AIBU to think our current grandparent visits are fair?

[Pinkmondays]

Trying to keep this as short as possible, is the following - in your opinion - adequate time with family (we have 3 sets of grandparents). There's me, DH and our son.

-Grandparents 1- live 5 mins drive away..we see them on average every other week, sometimes more.
-Grandparents 2: live an hour's drive away, we see them once a month for a full Sunday usually

• Grandparents 3: live a 2 hour flight away. We see them at least every 2-3 months for a week, and the whole summer holidays plus every Christmas.

Is this fair? I'm asking because grandparents 2 make noises about not seeing us enough!

I don't think it's completely unreasonable but it does feel like you see a lot of Grandparents 3 when they live an actual flight away.
1 hour is really not long, can Grandparents 2 travel to see you more often?

Well, it certainly sounds like you see Grandparents 3 far more than the others - if I'm understanding it right, you spend at least four full weeks a year, plus Christmas and the whole of the summer. That's pretty impressive given they live a 2 hour flight way.

But on the other hand, do grandparents 2 ever come to visit you? Or is it always left to you to travel to them?

The grandparents abroad are mine - I miss them a lot hence going so often!
Yes, I should maybe ask grandparents 2 to visit us more. They are quite elderly though and I don't want them to have to travel far (it's a horrible drive on an extremely busy motorway)

I don’t think you should have to share out attention in equal measures. If in the area then drop by. If not don’t. Your not some pie to be divvied up and any parent that thinks otherwise is being extremely childish and needs to grow up.

It does seem to be weighted towards Grandparents 3. I think Grandparents 2's visits would be absolutely fine if it wasn't for the comparison with GP3.

I think the summer holidays and Christmas could be shared more. Plus maybe an overnight with the middle lot occasionally.

Grandparents 1 - 26 days
GP2 - 12 days
GP3 - 70 days roughly

I think it’s bizarre so much time is spent with GP3 (are they your parents?)

We teach children that comparison is the thief of joy but I think more adults could do to remember this.

The grandparents abroad are mine

This is what makes the difference, I guess - perhaps your DH could arrange to see grandparents 2 more often.

On the face of it, you are spending an average of almost a week a month with grandparents 3, but just one day a month with grandparents 2.

I agree with a PP. You're not a pie. Make sure you keep enough of a slice back for yourself.

If you’re happy, your DH and kids are happy then it’s what works for you. You don’t have to be fair. You aren’t a cake to be divided and shared. in my experience, some relatives are always unhappy with the time you spend together. It’s more a reflection on their ability to fill their own time rather than down to you.

There's surely another route on normal roads even if it takes them a bit longer? fwiw I think you have a lot of grandparents and see them all plenty, so with gp2 it's probably more that they're bored (if elderly and not able to to travel much) and waiting for you to go to them, which isn't v reasonable when you've got a young family and busy lives.

Maybe suggests taking turns of who travels the 'road'?.
I am a dgm and see my dd tying herself in knots trying to be 'fair'.. It's ridiculous.. As is the other dgm...

I think people are flight away are always going to have less visits but longer ones.

If grandparent set number two feel they want more why don’t they come to you.

Thank god it’s not four sets as it’s trying to please so many that’s causing issues 😅 Is set number two mil and step dad by any chance.

GP 3- so 5 weeks in the summer and yes at least 3 other weeks.
It is most of the time up to us to visit the grandparents 2, in fairness though they're coming down on inset day to help.

So grandparents 1 & 2 never get to see you at Christmas or during the summer holidays. And outside of that you also stay with gd3 for at least 4 weeks during the year. That does seem pretty unfair, especially Christmas. How does your DH feel about it?

Oh my goodness yes!! How did you know? I do sometimes feel DH is still resenting his mum for leaving his dad in his childhood....

DH loves it as he says he then doesn't have to disappoint either of his parents by spending Christmas with that other ones, if that makes sense!

Also, as we don't see my parents for most of the year I think it's only fair.

Because as sexist as this sounds let’s face it no Fil complains he doesn’t see his grandchildren enough.

Mils however 😬😬 especially if they compare to their dils own mother.

Add in the not really visiting yet wanting it all and I took a huge but correct leap 😅

I completely understand the struggle! I have the same issue but four sets.

All in their mid - late 70s. How old are yours OP?

I only ask because we find that ours won't visit us and we have to visit them!

I take it your son is rather young though as the whole summer away once at the age of playing out with school friends might become an issue.

Enjoy it while it’s good and your child is enjoying it.

This is an example of how the woman's parents tend to get the lion's share of time. Even if they live a flight away, it turns out.

I am a parent to adult daughters, so there's no resentment behind this post. But I do feel for the PILs of the family when it comes to contact.

But you see your parents way more of the year than the others?

GP 2 probably feels left out. Can DH visit without you?

Also, as we don't see my parents for most of the year I think it's only fair

But you see your parents far, far more than any of the other grandparents. I mean, see who you want at Christmas, but don't use this as justification.