Ex MIL keeps asking me for money

[ellie09]

Hi all

I have a child with my ex husband and we have been separated for many years. Ex-H has DS a couple of times a week and in that time, he can also visit his grandmother etc.

The last few times DS has been at his granny's was because she had requested to see him and asked if he could stay (I havent initiated etc). Once DS arrives (this is usually after a night at his dads etc), then ex MIL will ring or text me that evening asking for £10 for the following day.

The past couple of times I have just sent it up as it was a novelty that DS was staying the night etc. However, its now every time he stays, even if she asks to see him and ita not me asking for a favour etc (which then I could see why giving a bit of money would be reasonable)

I asked DS what he got up to with his granny. They had took the bus into town and wandered around a couple of hours and came home. A bus ticket for DS is around £2. The rest of the day was at home.

I asked ex MIL this time why she didn't ask her own son for this money when he dropped him off. Apparently, she says its because ex-h pays me CMS so therefore it should be me giving this to her (I get £30 a week, so not exactly the big bucks).

AIBU to put my foot down and say no more money will be given to her unless its for a specific activity? And that the cost has to be run by me first before he can stay as well?

I barely have much money left now as I am paying off a wedding in two months time.

What a bizarre response to the OP.

She can see her grandson on her son’s time, not yours.

YANBU. She seems to think children are a woman’s responsibility so is making you pay for her having then dc.

Don’t even give money for an activity, tell her to ask her son.

Tell her to piss off. You don't owe her anything.

Just say no when she asks to see him from now on. She can see him on your ex’s time.

Wtf ? So a single parent is somehow ‘neglecting’ their child because they are getting married. ? The misogyny from women to women on this site beggars belief sometimes

Exactly! This needs pointing out to the Grandmother if she’s so keen to use the CMS payment as justification for her asking for money.

So child maintenance is calculated to how many nights you have DC to how many nights your ex does. So if your ex has him 2 nights per week say and you have him 5 that £30 is to cover those 5 nights/days. If exMIL is having DC on exs night that does not come from your £30 as its not on your day its on exs therefore his responsibility to cover costs.

If exMIL expects you to cover cost then that night then becomes a day you are responsible for then your ex is only having him 1 day a week and your maintenance would therefore go up to allow for you now having him 6 days per week.

So tell ex if MIL has DC on his timetable he is responsible for all costs during that time.

Hope this helps 😊

Ask how they calculated £10pn and reverse the conversation, so you agree x should be paying £10 per night.

Don’t rush into a wedding, this will only get worse with ex /Mil

If he is staying with Grandma instead of his Dad then your ex has already had a deduction for his contact time anyway.

If she is seeing him on effectively “your time” then she is still ridiculously out of order. I would remind her that the £30 is the legal MINIMUM your ex has to pay and is nothing compared to the £x it costs you to provide for DS needs. If she can’t afford to have DS at her request then she needs to ask her son.

Personally, I’d be tempted to send DC with his bus fare next time then at least she can’t moan about having to pay to take him into town. Perhaps give him a couple of pounds too but fuck the tenner every time….she should cherish the time spent with her GC, not benefit from it.

I would say 'I'm sorry X won't be staying with you as I can't afford to give you £10 out of the £30 pw that his Dad gives me for CM. If you want to see X, then arrange this with your son, on his time'. If she protests say that '£30 pw doesn't even scratch the surface of the cost of bringing up a child, and as your brought up X, then this is something you know very well'. Then disengage.

She's a cheeky mare.

The issue has gone right over your head hasn’t it ? What’s your point here - that the OP should just put up with this shit because ‘think of the child’ ?

Just say "it's on Ex's time, Ex needs to pay for anything DS needs." If it was on your time and she's living in poverty then contrbuting £5 or so might be reasonable but it sounds like she asked you for more than she spent anyway?

I would be temped to divide the £30 into an hourly rate and transfer her the £1.40 or whatever it equates to for the time your son is there but then I can be very petty.

I would try to enable a relationship with grandparents as much as possible, and think it's fair any genuine costs are covered (so when they were little that would be nappies, milk etc, and when older, about a fiver to cover food and anything like bus ticket). It's obviously trickier if the parents are split, so I think you should talk with your ex and agree who covers it. It is fair enough MIL isn't out of pocket, presumably she's near retirement and might be watching the cash. But she shouldn't be profiting out if it.

Why should this impact on OP getting married again ? She has no earthly reason to continue contact with ex MiL if she doesn’t want to. She can simply refuse to hand DS over to her and tell her to arrange contact with DS on her son’s time, and ask him for the money. Then block and ignore.

I agree to stop giving money, but I have learned over the years that it is best to avoid an explanation. When she asks again just say no. If anything tell her to ask her son.

Once you start giving a rationale there is the option for this woman to come back with “yes but…” type response. Keep it simple. Say what you mean say “no!”.

It still shouldn’t come out of OP’s pocket. MiL’s access to her grandson should be facilitated and paid for by her son on his time. His access costs have already been deducted from CMS and OP shouldn’t be giving what amounts to one third of her CMS to MiL every time this happens.

I wonder what her circumstances are, and if she knows how small the maintenance payments are. I am a grandmother with a separated son. I’m trying to think of any circumstances in which I would ask my ex dil for money. Possibly if she wanted us to take them on holiday but we couldn’t quite afford it? but no, we’d just choose cheaper options.
But if your son likes going and is well treated, maybe you could ask her if she’s particularly skint, and tell her that you only get £30.00. If she’s poor, and really can’t afford to feed him, I would happily hand over a tenner. And I know my ex dil would do that so that I could see them.

If granny is having your DS during your ex husbands time then your ex husband should be the one “paying” her if required.

If you are asking granny to help out and baby sit for the day during your allocated time then it would be fair to give her a little bit of money towards a day out.

Neither of these scenarios are happening so YANBU. Granny is taking the mick and you need to nip it in the bud, in fact the first time she asked you should of said no.

Ridiculous.
just say the £30 our son gets per week doesn’t begin to cover half of his food clothing and activities, there is no child maintenance spare to send you unfortunately. If you need money for when you’re with your child please ask his father in future. Then ignore any more requests.

Tell her you can't afford to pay her for seeing her grandson so won't be sending him to her any more.
If she wants to see him, she can ask her son to take him round and if she wants to be paid for it, thats between the two of them.

Or send a pack lunch and bus fare

Thanks for all your responses

Yes, I have been a bit of a mug and facilitated this in the past - maybe 3-4 times now.

She used to ask to see DS and have him overnight in the summer break, then told me to bring him dinner - which most of the time meant I was going out and buying dinner items for him to take to his granny's house. I put a stop to this, and if she had mentioned it, I just said that he was having dinner with me, etc then will be dropped off. It was costing far too much buying dinner items this frequently when there was dinner items at home.

I will put a stop to providing money and just tell her from now on that if she requests to see him, she will need to contact her son for anything that she may need.

I never really questioned it until my new DP was asking me why I was facilitating what he called "absolute nonsense".

I pay out my own pocket for all the usual living costs, childminder, 121 swimming lessons, jujitsu lessons, play therapy etc (he is SEN).

Just today, I had to buy DS a new coat before school because his dad had forgotten to bring it home with him yesterday and ex MIL has the other one she forgot to give back also! So now £30 down this morning!