Ex MIL keeps asking me for money

[ellie09]

Hi all

I have a child with my ex husband and we have been separated for many years. Ex-H has DS a couple of times a week and in that time, he can also visit his grandmother etc.

The last few times DS has been at his granny's was because she had requested to see him and asked if he could stay (I havent initiated etc). Once DS arrives (this is usually after a night at his dads etc), then ex MIL will ring or text me that evening asking for £10 for the following day.

The past couple of times I have just sent it up as it was a novelty that DS was staying the night etc. However, its now every time he stays, even if she asks to see him and ita not me asking for a favour etc (which then I could see why giving a bit of money would be reasonable)

I asked DS what he got up to with his granny. They had took the bus into town and wandered around a couple of hours and came home. A bus ticket for DS is around £2. The rest of the day was at home.

I asked ex MIL this time why she didn't ask her own son for this money when he dropped him off. Apparently, she says its because ex-h pays me CMS so therefore it should be me giving this to her (I get £30 a week, so not exactly the big bucks).

AIBU to put my foot down and say no more money will be given to her unless its for a specific activity? And that the cost has to be run by me first before he can stay as well?

I barely have much money left now as I am paying off a wedding in two months time.

Send this exactly.

Just tell her she’ll either have to

1. do activities that don’t cost any money
2. pay for any costs herself
3. ask her son to cover any costs

Not unreasonable to refuse to give her any more money, at all.

Personally I would say the ‘no’ with a bit of explanation as her son may be lying to her.
’Dear MiL, your son pays me £30/wk. Obviously I am not able to feed, clothe and house DS with that. Are you able to live on £1.560 per year? Apparently to house and feed him, without taking into account any other costs, at £10 per night you would require £3,650 per year. Giving you 1/3 of that £30 each time he sleeps at your house would deprive my son for your benefit which I am not willing to do. If you cannot host your grandson without payment, you will need to either ask your son or stop hosting him.’

Just say no. However, not everyone has experience or knowledge of child maintenance. She has probably been led to believe that he's paying huge sums in child support.

BIL is a higher tax payer mostly working over seas tax free.

His first wife wrecked her career bringing up his kids as he got promoted with tricky long contracts.
She doesn't get enough CMS to cover that.

His kids don't get enough money because their friends have more stuff.

His second wife thinks that BIl gives too much money to ex wife and kids and she wants to retire early and go to Japan for six weeks.

My in-laws think the sun shines out of DHs arse and that first and second wives should just be grateful that they spent any time with him.

BIL has always been miserly, from childhood to student house shares, to buying a round to an ice-cream for his kids. Always small, always a win if he consistently gets the better end of a deal.

So interesting watching from a distance. £30 - I bet every one sees that differently so generous, so begrudging, so pointless. It genuinely goes nowhere in the huge pit of childhood expenses.

play her at her own game her son pays £30 for 7 days that’s £4.28 a full day so overnight is 1/2 of that send her £2.14

be money well spent just to piss her off

Tell her that her son gets a reduction in his CMS due to the overnights so he can pay her that money.

She has clearly been fed a sob story about his money grabbing ex taking him for all he is worth.

Next time she asks, just say no thanks. If she asks why, just say you have let him go because you thought she wanted to spend time with your son, but as it's something you have to pay for, it doesn't work for you. She's 100% giving the £10 back to her pathetic son.

What happens when he has contact is out of his pocket. Tell her that and how much CMS he pays

What sort of a DGM asks her DIL, whether current or ex, for money to see her DGC? You need to say no, OP, and explain that as it’s too expensive for her to see her DGS without financial input from you, she will simply have to forego seeing him as you can’t afford it.

Mental. I'd be tempted to say "yes he gives me £30 per week so you've taken a third of that for this one day. I will tell him not to eat for the rest of the week shall I?"

Oh do bore off.

Your ex husband is responsible for the expenses of his child where the child is with him. They are taking the piss, both your ex and his mother.

I was about to suggest that . Maybe minus about 50p- 70p for his clothes , shoes etc that can be put down as ongoing costs !

This !!!

Just block her calls. You don't need to talk to her. Let her deal with her son. IF any of this is coming from him (e.g. seeing it as a sneaky way of getting back some CM) he'll mention it to you and you can rip him a new one. If not, problem solved.

Just ignore her texts. Then if she wants to cause a fuss she will have to cause it with her son.

This is insane. There’s actually no reason for you to have any contact with your ex MIL at all; she can arrange with her son to see child during his contact time and the arrangements for that are between them. If I were you I would make that clear to ex MIL and ex DH, and hold that boundary in future. With the exception of major life events for your child where grandparents may attend, you don’t actually have to speak to her ever again.

Stop sending her any money at all. She needs to pay for the activities herself.

She is (and so is HE!) a CF.
Tell them when it’s his time, it’s his money. His time with the kids is taken into account when calculating child support payable to you.

Why would getting married impact on a totally different issue with OP's ex and his mother?

I wouldn’t have sent it the first time.

Tell her if she can’t afford to have him stop then he shouldn’t stop. Or she can ask her son for the money. Tell her the £30 you get has already gone.

I think she is a mean cow wanting a third of your child maintenance back off you. Tell your ex that he needs to pay you back for that and give her money what a witch . It's her bloody grandchild ffs

Tell her that if she wants to spend time with her grandson then that is great but she can’t spend your money whilst doing it. She either pays with her own money or if she can’t afford that/doesnt want to spend her money on her grandson then she does free stuff with him.

And why if she think £10 for having her grandson is a reasonable request is she ok with her son only paying £30 a week for his son. She clearly thinks it costs a lot to look after him so she should be analogy be encouraging her son to pay a lot more than he is.