In despair. Husband is taking ages to find a role

[saminamama]

a month ago today DH was told he may be made ‘redundant’, he was essentially sacked with a months notice and he signed a settlement agreement with enough money to keep us afloat for 2 months, after the end of this month.

It took him 2 weeks from finding out he was being made redundant to apply for his first role. Since then he hasn’t secured any interviews, and he’s had lots of ‘chats’ with so and so, but nothing material has happened.

I feel like he is way to slow when applying for jobs, and it’s not going quick enough and by now he should have a few interviews.

Posting as I’m really looking for a consensus as to if what I am feeling is valid, as I feel like I’m at the end of my tether. I darent ask him a question or distract him from anything as he takes so long to do.. anything.

im worried about our mortgage, I work but my salary only just covers the mortgage,

really lost and feeling resentful as it feels like he’s not pushing hard enough,

he’s a great dad and a loving husband most of the time.

looking for positive stories and advice as to how I get through this time.

im feeling so worried it’s affecting my sleep and I’ve been avoiding some of my friends, I don’t often feel in the mood to be around others who are sorted and settled when we are in this boat.

im carrying all the housework and childcare drop offs and pick ups so he has no excuse for not sitting and applying for roles, but feels quite futile to be honest, doing all the washing and cleaning.
if he is so slow and easily distracted/harassed and can’t cope no wonder he was sacked, awful thing to say but I’m wondering if it’s true

I think you need to brace yourself for longer than a few weeks. Recruitment lead times are often 3 months with multiple interview rounds. He needs total into his network and really see what he can find. Tailoring his CV every time.

He needs to do this every night and look after the kids in the day. You need to go back to work.

If it's any help, I got 3 of my last 4 jobs through former work colleagues, so I wouldn't be too down on his networking efforts.

Agree with other posters saying the days of banging out a few applications, getting interview for everything you apply for and and then having a good chance of an offer are long gone. At every level the competition has gone up.

Facebook market place and baking bread I mean wtaf 😱

IMO if he’s not working and you are in financial straits then he should be doing childcare and household stuff so you can be work more hours. I appreciate it is time consuming looking for work but it’ll be worse if you lose your house. He can do background job hunting in the evening when you are back. Frankly, given the state of the country and job market, he doesn’t have time to feel sorry for himself/procrastinate/play the big man ‘chatting’ to people, he needs to hit the ground running and work with you to minimise the impact and make the best out of a difficult situation.

Hello OP, I really empathize with you. I went through this exact situation many, many times with my ex. One time in particular stands out: he lost his job and it took him nine months to find another. I know job hunting is hard, but I also felt he wasn’t trying nearly enough. I’d come home from work and find him doing random things instead of looking for work, and if I asked about it he’d get defensive, like it wasn’t my business.

I thought he should be calling former colleagues or dropping off CV in person, but he refused. He insisted he was applying online only. Meanwhile, I’d come home and dinner wasn’t even started. For the first three months he mostly worked in our garden, and it drove me absolutely crazy. He also would not take any job, but was picking and choosing and we were really broke at the time. But our relationship wasn’t great and our communication was already off, which made everything worse.

My suggestion is to sit him down and talk to him now. Losing a job is stressful, sure, but you have a family to support and not much savings to fall back on. You don’t have the luxury of waiting and hoping he’ll get moving on his own. Clear expectations and an honest conversation are really important here.

I could have written a lot of this, even down to my partner needing to swim!
We’ve had to be practical, I don’t want to have to work overtime but I’m picking up as many extra hours as I can to see us through.
I understand your husband being a bit down considering everything that has happened, but he can’t not work, not help around the house, and not apply for jobs! Practically, you might need to take on extra hours and he might need to be doing childcare and keeping the house going until he finds work - that’s what we’re doing.

He's been completely shafted on that redundancy payout why on earth did he agree to it? Is it even legal minimum statutory redundancy money?!

Are you sure there isn't more he isn't telling you. Is it possible he's known for longer that the job was going, or faced some sort of disciplinary action that meant he would realistically have had little choice but to take the settlement?

Yabvu to have expected him to have already got something lined up - I'd expect it to take at least 6 months in this job market. Cut your costs now, starting with nursery fees and anything else that isn't an absolute must.

He was earning 80k, you have too much savings to claim UC, so over £16k, £11k payout and you’re panicking you can’t survive 2 months??
Yes, he’s taking the piss with the swimming and bread making whilst you carry the household, time for a sit down and discuss finances and chores.

She is working, didn't you read that?

My DH is not looking for and won't be taking a NMW job for several reasons:

• he wouldn't be available for interview easily as most NMW jobs are not particularly flexible.
• lack of availability for interview increases the risk the company will hire a different person
• he'd be unavailable for calls with recruiters which is how he will get his next job.
• the time taken to apply for, interview for etc a NMW job would be better spent looking for a long term prospect.
• NMW jobs are harder to get than most people realise
• NMW employers are skeptical as hell when a high earner comes knocking
• The effort required and child care we'd need would largely negate any pay he got, especially when commuting costs are taken in to account.

The jobs market is the hardest I've seen it for a long time. I've been looking since October, also made redundant. There are a lot more people looking than roles available - I've never been without a job, even after redundancies, and this is a very difficult time atm.

Nope. Sorry but this is just wrong.

40 hours of prep? Or a few hours each day over the course of a week, with breaks for coming up with ideas etc?

Are people seriously saying it would take them a full-time working week to prepare for an interview? What do you do in this case, take a week’s worth anual leave to prepare?

He needs to apply for new style Jobseeker’s Allowance. It’s not means tested and he should be entitled to 6 months at £90 a week. It’s a benefit for everyone who’s contributed NI regardless of wealth.

Switch your mortgage to interest only. Ours let us do that for 6 month. Very easy to apply.

A month isn’t long at all. He needs to step up massively with his fatherhood and household duties though.

Also sales roles are hard to come by. What qualifications does he have? He might need to retrain.

The current job market is harsh. Many people chasing fewer jobs. It's an employer's market. Even getting a job stacking shelves, or casual warehouse work is very hard to come by.

I would allow 3 to 6 months for your husbsnd to get a job, if not longer.

His CV will need to be outstanding. Register with agencies and bin the less professional ones. Try to apply to companies directly.

Many vacancies have multiple stage interviews and competancy tests. Expect to have these interviews, and long nerve wracking waits in between. In most cases, post interview, you never hear from the company again. This is now standard practice. It is soul destroying.

Also, your husband has not been 'sacked'. This word implies wrongdoing. He has been made redundant as his role has been outsourced.

Agree. Id feel the same OP.

Making bread would drive me insane!
(My sister's DP spends hours and hours baking bread, he is in a well paid role, as is she, and ahe seethes when she's doing all the kid/life admin etc. etc. And hes baking bread!)

We have 25k in savings, 11k redundancy payment coming and 10k credit card debt (interest free),

I’m carrying all the housework and childcare drop offs and pick ups so he has no excuse for not sitting and applying for roles, but feels quite futile to be honest, doing all the washing and cleaning.

hes not taking on most of the domestic work? Apart from being difficult at work he’s a lazy arse at home.

No wonder you’re stressed @saminamama

He’s always ‘very busy’ but it’s a chat with an old colleague at the last company who just let him go about day to day work there, or it’s a tenuous link of some well off bloke his dad knows in a random company and field who might have work for him, or it’s this item on marketplace is never for sale this cheap I have to buy it, or it’s chats on the phone with family members, or it’s marinating chicken, baking bread etc

OP is on maternity leave, and is going back to work early. That's a bit different to not having a job.

Lots going on here...

Selling the house isn't an ideal back up plan for when the money runs out as the housing market is slow and the process could take a year or so.

Remortgaging - you're taking a massive risk doing this and not being honest about the job loss.

11K - even with a 2K mortgage, that should last at least 3 months if you live frugally.

Crazy that you both didn't have at least a 6 month emergency fund when he was earning £80K.

I think you are being harsh to have expected him to have had interviews within 4 weeks. The job market is very slow and harsh right now. My DH's colleagues were let go 2 months ago and both are still out of work, one has had one interview. I think you need to be prepared for him being out of his 'normal' work for at least a year. I say 'normal' because he will need to get ANY type of work at some point soon.

Now for your DH, I think the first couple of weeks, he can be cut some slack, I've lost a job myself and know how it feels. However, my sympathy has run out for him after that when he's refusing to do childcare, pick ups/drop offs and housework. Surely even when he was working, he was doing his share? No?

He should be spending a good 3-4hours per day job hunting and applying for roles, that's seriously searching, adjusting CV, applying, not scrolling the internet and getting distracted. If he's not spending 3-4hrs daily as a minimum, then he's taking the piss.

He needs to stop with the days out meeting friends or whatever, you can't bloody afford it right now.

It really does sound like he's getting too comfortable not working, and knowing you're going back to work, I think he's got it in mind that you are so worried that you'll go back full-time, and he can do what the fuck he wants except for the housework and childcare.

He needs to be signed on for JSA to keep up with his NI for his state pension.

You both also need to discuss at what stage he starts applying for ANY and ALL jobs. You cannot be choosy in this current climate.

You both also need to discuss him taking on childcare and housework, not necessarily all, but if you go back full-time whilst he's unemployed, he needs to be doing the bulk of it all.

You both also need to discuss ditching the nursery and him looking after the children, it's an expense you cannot afford right now. You may have to give a term's notice, so this could be something to seriously consider.

I think you need to sit him down and make it very clear the severity of the situation, and that he has NO excuse not to be doing housework and childcare whilst also job hunting.

Frankly, he's taking the fucking piss.

Whilst settlement agreements are typically used in situations where the company want rid of someone quickly and without a fuss/prolonged process, it isn’t always the case.

At my previous company, a number of people in my department (including one of my direct reports) had to sign an SA, as their redundancy/exit date was more than 12 months in the future and therefore technically fell outside of the “standard” parameters of the redundancy package being offered to other impacted employees. So in order to receive the enhanced package, they were asked to commit to remaining in role for that whole period.

Certainly in the case of my team member (and I’m pretty sure for the others involved too), there was categorically no concerns around performance behind the SA. In fact, if I’d had my way, we’d have found a workaround so I could keep her - she was brilliant!

It can be tough - two years ago DH was looking something and he couldn't so much as get hold of an agent for 9 months (when previously for his type of role he could apply to multiple things and day and have an interview or at least an agent conversation at least once a week), not a single interview until finally an agent called him back just before Christmas for a short contract he started in the new year.

Last year he was looking again and it was better than the year before and he's now in a longish contract.This is in software, don't know what field OP's husband is in, but, certainly at the moment, sad to say a month is not a long time to look. The positive you can get from that is that I'd say is that not to worry he'll be 'left on the shelf' if he's looking for too long - it's pretty normal.

Honestly op, I can see why this is so completely daunting but I do think you are being somewhat unrealistic given that it's only been 2 weeks and you're expecting him to have created interviews already. The job market is not that fast moving and if you say he's in a skilled but niche role that is going to be harder.

What you both need to do is sit down with a free financial advisor and discuss your situation and what you are hoping to do financially and actually work through what's a practical way to do things. For example jumping to dispose of your savings in order to get some help from uc is probably not a sensible option. Especially if your debts are interest free. What you need to work out is your absolute survival number how much you need to spend each month to cover the basics before you're defaulting on essentials and then you look at your savings/salary and how many months you can meet that figure for. Then I would be immediately cutting back on anything luxury such as trips to the pool/gym membership. If you need to pick up extra hours temporarily then he needs to be the childcare to enable that to happen.

Personally I think you're having a ( very understandable) knee jerk reaction and it does sound like your anxiety is spiralling a bit here. I've no doubt your husband must also be feeling a lot of pressure to make things work while also navigating the fact he's just lost his job which is a huge confidence blow for anyone. So it may be really hard for him to engage in conversation with you if you are coming at it from a place of your own stress and anxiety if he doesn't have capacity at present to hold both.

So what I would do is tell him you're very conscious that you're both in a really stressful situation and it would be very easy for you both to end up at odds so suggest that you set aside a time each week when you know you won't be distracted to go over things together so you aren't feeling in the dark on where he's at and he isn't feeling alone and pressured. I'd be using that time to go over any family spends in the week to see where that can be cut back, and I'd be expecting him to explain what he's been doing to secure work.

I also think you need to be realistic in terms of what jobs he can actually apply for that will not be a big step back. It's not always helpful to immediately apply to all and sundry straight away and then be listing tesco as your current employer until you are at the point where that's essential. Plus it can detract a lot of time and energy for applying for things you actually do want to be going in for if you're working longer hours in something unrelated. It's going to take time op and things are going to need to look very different for a period and I think you need to brace for that.

In the meantime, you need to start factoring in some self care even as small as doing meditation before bed or leaving the kids with him so you can get a walk or something. Clearing your head a little to improve the lack of sleeping as that's a killer for anxiety and becomes a destructive cycle. Talk to friends about it without bad mouthing him and use them to discuss the worries you have without making out that he's just lazy.

I'm a bit torn as to what the state of your relationship was prior to this op. You say he's a good husband and father most of the home - why not all of the time? And you've been very quick to jump to the conclusion they just wanted rid of him. That's making me wonder if he has overall form for lazy, poor behaviour in general that's pointing you to that conclusion?