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AIBU?

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Original poster

In despair. Husband is taking ages to find a role

503 replies

saminamama · 05/05/2026 19:06

a month ago today DH was told he may be made ‘redundant’, he was essentially sacked with a months notice and he signed a settlement agreement with enough money to keep us afloat for 2 months, after the end of this month.

It took him 2 weeks from finding out he was being made redundant to apply for his first role. Since then he hasn’t secured any interviews, and he’s had lots of ‘chats’ with so and so, but nothing material has happened.

I feel like he is way to slow when applying for jobs, and it’s not going quick enough and by now he should have a few interviews.

Posting as I’m really looking for a consensus as to if what I am feeling is valid, as I feel like I’m at the end of my tether. I darent ask him a question or distract him from anything as he takes so long to do.. anything.

im worried about our mortgage, I work but my salary only just covers the mortgage,

really lost and feeling resentful as it feels like he’s not pushing hard enough,

he’s a great dad and a loving husband most of the time.

looking for positive stories and advice as to how I get through this time.

im feeling so worried it’s affecting my sleep and I’ve been avoiding some of my friends, I don’t often feel in the mood to be around others who are sorted and settled when we are in this boat.

im carrying all the housework and childcare drop offs and pick ups so he has no excuse for not sitting and applying for roles, but feels quite futile to be honest, doing all the washing and cleaning.
if he is so slow and easily distracted/harassed and can’t cope no wonder he was sacked, awful thing to say but I’m wondering if it’s true

OP posts:
Original poster
saminamama · 05/05/2026 22:28

gillefc82 · 05/05/2026 22:21

Whilst settlement agreements are typically used in situations where the company want rid of someone quickly and without a fuss/prolonged process, it isn’t always the case.

At my previous company, a number of people in my department (including one of my direct reports) had to sign an SA, as their redundancy/exit date was more than 12 months in the future and therefore technically fell outside of the “standard” parameters of the redundancy package being offered to other impacted employees. So in order to receive the enhanced package, they were asked to commit to remaining in role for that whole period.

Certainly in the case of my team member (and I’m pretty sure for the others involved too), there was categorically no concerns around performance behind the SA. In fact, if I’d had my way, we’d have found a workaround so I could keep her - she was brilliant!

Show quote history

they wanted rid of him, I live and speak to Dh every day, I know new boss didn’t want him

OP posts:
LurgyMagnet · 05/05/2026 22:30

saminamama · 05/05/2026 19:34

Not eligible too much in savings, probably nearly as much on credit cards, so might need to look at paying off the cards so we can be eligible.

Show quote history

Before you think about applying for Universal Credit, get him to apply for New Style JSA, which doesn't have a savings threshold, just requires him to have paid a certain amount in NI over the last couple of financial years. It's hardly a vast amount, just under £85 a week for up to six months, but it'll give you a little bit of a cushion. It'll also mean you can pay off your debts a bit more gradually, so it'll look less like "deprivation of assets" that your savings have drained down to below the UC threshold.

CanSeeClearlyNowTheRainHasGone · 05/05/2026 22:31

Fluffyholeysocks · 05/05/2026 19:16

Draw up a list of housekeeper 'tasks' that he'll be able to do, pop in his calendar school pick ups, after school clubs and weekly grocery lists that he'll need to be responsible for until he's working again.

Yeah.
Great idea.

Not like he needs to use his time for anything important...

Like looking for a job.

If OP wants him to get a job quickly she has to accept that she cant just palm off tasks that she would normally do, or DIY projects that have been outstanding. He's not on vacation. He needs to work hard at this, probably more intensively than at his previous job.

And also to accept that job hunting is a new skill set he needs to master. It's not the old days anymore

lifetheuniverse · 05/05/2026 22:34

He has been out of work for 2 weeks, done his CV and spoken to lots of people- seriously OP are you aware the job market is hard at the moment.
I get you are stressed but getting this worked up after 2 weeks is a bit crazy. He also needs to get his head round what has happened.

Original poster
saminamama · 05/05/2026 22:35

Lavender14 · 05/05/2026 22:26

Honestly op, I can see why this is so completely daunting but I do think you are being somewhat unrealistic given that it's only been 2 weeks and you're expecting him to have created interviews already. The job market is not that fast moving and if you say he's in a skilled but niche role that is going to be harder.

What you both need to do is sit down with a free financial advisor and discuss your situation and what you are hoping to do financially and actually work through what's a practical way to do things. For example jumping to dispose of your savings in order to get some help from uc is probably not a sensible option. Especially if your debts are interest free. What you need to work out is your absolute survival number how much you need to spend each month to cover the basics before you're defaulting on essentials and then you look at your savings/salary and how many months you can meet that figure for. Then I would be immediately cutting back on anything luxury such as trips to the pool/gym membership. If you need to pick up extra hours temporarily then he needs to be the childcare to enable that to happen.

Personally I think you're having a ( very understandable) knee jerk reaction and it does sound like your anxiety is spiralling a bit here. I've no doubt your husband must also be feeling a lot of pressure to make things work while also navigating the fact he's just lost his job which is a huge confidence blow for anyone. So it may be really hard for him to engage in conversation with you if you are coming at it from a place of your own stress and anxiety if he doesn't have capacity at present to hold both.

So what I would do is tell him you're very conscious that you're both in a really stressful situation and it would be very easy for you both to end up at odds so suggest that you set aside a time each week when you know you won't be distracted to go over things together so you aren't feeling in the dark on where he's at and he isn't feeling alone and pressured. I'd be using that time to go over any family spends in the week to see where that can be cut back, and I'd be expecting him to explain what he's been doing to secure work.

I also think you need to be realistic in terms of what jobs he can actually apply for that will not be a big step back. It's not always helpful to immediately apply to all and sundry straight away and then be listing tesco as your current employer until you are at the point where that's essential. Plus it can detract a lot of time and energy for applying for things you actually do want to be going in for if you're working longer hours in something unrelated. It's going to take time op and things are going to need to look very different for a period and I think you need to brace for that.

In the meantime, you need to start factoring in some self care even as small as doing meditation before bed or leaving the kids with him so you can get a walk or something. Clearing your head a little to improve the lack of sleeping as that's a killer for anxiety and becomes a destructive cycle. Talk to friends about it without bad mouthing him and use them to discuss the worries you have without making out that he's just lazy.

I'm a bit torn as to what the state of your relationship was prior to this op. You say he's a good husband and father most of the home - why not all of the time? And you've been very quick to jump to the conclusion they just wanted rid of him. That's making me wonder if he has overall form for lazy, poor behaviour in general that's pointing you to that conclusion?

What a lovely response thank you, in answer to your last question,
i love my husband but he can be a tricky character, harsh tone to his voice even though he doesn’t mean it

OP posts:
givemesteel · 05/05/2026 22:36

Gosh. What I am curious about is why does he think his current situation requires 24/7 job searching + follow up when that is clearly not possible. And allowing you to become burnt out in the process.

I think you need a realistic appraisal of how long job search takes per day (3 or 4 hours?) and then divvy up all the other tasks ie. If he's job searching for 4 hours he still has 3 hours for childcare, housework, errands and also fit in a bit of bread baking and swimming (but not every day).

You need to divvy up the tasks so he's got a purpose for the day and ticks stuff off.

Tbh the fact that he shows so little interest in keeping your family afloat would make me question my relationship tbh. I'm not sure I'd want to continue in this situation

Cycleaway · 05/05/2026 22:36

it seems fair for him to prioritise job searches (even if these are speculative chats) but completely unreasonable that he isn’t picking up the slack with any of the household jobs that need doing, or childcare. It sounds like the only way to change that is to have a very direct conversation. Would there be scope for you to take on more hours with your job? (if he was pulling his weight/you weren’t run ragged) all of these extra hobbies he’s picking up aren’t cheap - it sounds like he’s burying his head in the sand. Do you have the kind of relationship with anyone in his family where you could reach out to them to speak to him?

gillefc82 · 05/05/2026 22:37

saminamama · 05/05/2026 22:28

they wanted rid of him, I live and speak to Dh every day, I know new boss didn’t want him

Show quote history

Sorry @saminamama I wasn’t questioning if that was/wasn’t the case with your DH (you know your circumstances better than I do), was just clarifying that it isn’t the only reason for a company wanting a settlement agreement in place with someone who is leaving the business.

Wishing you luck and hope your DH finds a new job soon.

OchreSnake · 05/05/2026 22:39

I'm 65 and was made redundant in March of this year. I have just got my first invitation to interview after 1 application. I have been half - arsed about looking for jobs as I really don't want to work any more. If I was seriously looking for work in my 30's I would be devoting at least 8 hours + a day. He needs to up his game. He maybe stressed at his being made redundant but so are you, tell him to apply himself more fully every single day.

Original poster
saminamama · 05/05/2026 22:39

gillefc82 · 05/05/2026 22:37

Sorry @saminamama I wasn’t questioning if that was/wasn’t the case with your DH (you know your circumstances better than I do), was just clarifying that it isn’t the only reason for a company wanting a settlement agreement in place with someone who is leaving the business.

Wishing you luck and hope your DH finds a new job soon.

Show quote history

Thank you

OP posts:
SpiritAdder · 05/05/2026 22:42

cracking on all day on the job game.

Sorry, but there are not enough job adverts to fill more than 1-2hrs a day. The more senior and niche the position, the fewer jobs there are to apply for.

Channel the anxiety into sitting down with him and doing an essentials only budget so you can make the 11k last as long as possible.

As chats with recruiters have come to nothing, he should ask for feedback. Maybe he is missing some new qualification that is the current fad for his job area. He could then get started on it while between jobs.

PurpleNightingale · 05/05/2026 22:44

saminamama · 05/05/2026 19:16

Thanks for this, but we don’t have enough savings to last us 18 months , with 2 young children and a mortgage to pay:

really really worried

Show quote history

My husbands contract finished in January. He was too busy finishing up to start to apply until it was finished. It was a longish slog of applications before an interview and he had around 10 interviews for different roles before receiving an offer. He starts the new role next week, so it will have been 5 months without him working. It feels endless while you are in it and each application was the equivalent of an small essay between the cover letter and the mandatory questions! I think you have to plan like it will be a few months at least, it feels tough out there, but something will come along.

Edited to add- I can't believe he is leaving so much on you though. While he has been off work my husband has taken on all the cooking, dishes, and school runs. It's been good to have the breaks away from the computer and it has made me less resentful when I am working long days and he isn't.

WimbyAce · 05/05/2026 22:44

Why do you have credit card debt when you have savings? So odd!

CanSeeClearlyNowTheRainHasGone · 05/05/2026 22:46

CornishTiger · 05/05/2026 20:19

He can apply for contribution based JSA regardless of income or savings.

He need me to do that. Maybe then he’ll realise he’s a job seeker. He needs to be prepared to do any work at this point.

The 11k settlement sounds low tbh. What was it 2 months notice and statutory redundancy payment. Hopefully the solicitor appointed for you looked through it.

If he's been paid X months as redundancy pay then he can't claim JSA until that time is up.

ThatLemonBee · 05/05/2026 22:48

saminamama · 05/05/2026 19:24

I’m on maternity leave currently, baby 8 months old, going back from next week because of this; 2 days a week to get some money coming in. I don’t have the childcare to do more, my husband ‘can’t possibly do the childcare as he’s too busy applying for jobs’

yet where are the interviews then

Show quote history

Why do you need childcare if he is home ? Make snil sense . Get childcare for when he has interviews

Nutmuncher · 05/05/2026 22:54

Respectfully OP you sound like a nightmare. He’s just lost his job which can be incredibly damaging to a persons self esteem and morale. You nagging him relentlessly is not going to have the desired effect, most likely the complete opposite.

ReadingSoManyThreads · 05/05/2026 22:56

CanSeeClearlyNowTheRainHasGone · 05/05/2026 22:46

If he's been paid X months as redundancy pay then he can't claim JSA until that time is up.

Show quote history

Not relevant to this situation as he has had a settlement, not actual redundancy.

Shelleyblueeyes · 05/05/2026 22:57

NotAWurstToIt · 05/05/2026 19:25

I would suggest he needs to have a good look at his CV - is he applying in the same field? How niche is it? How transferable are his skills.
Lots of roles come from contacts rather than cold applications, so he needs to be really proactive on LinkedIn - update his profile, show recruiters that he’s available for work, contact his existing connections and make new ones in areas / organisations that he’s interested in.
I don’t think you said how old he is, but, if ‘older’ he may want to only show the past 10 years’ experience on his CV plus relevant qualifications. I say that as someone in their 50s who was made redundant last year and did this. Has he contacted recruitment agencies for contract work as well as perm?
If he struggles to get organised maybe a daily list or dedicated time each day to get these things done would help?

This is really good advice it's really hard to get a job and covering all bases is the way to increase your chances.

I guess your mortgage is your biggest worry so I would call the lender and explain. Discuss going on interest only or extending the term if only temporarily but it might help you sleep easier.

You're energy provider might be able to cut you some slack too.

Good luck with it all. X

ButterYellowFlowers · 05/05/2026 22:59

fundamentallyauthentic · 05/05/2026 21:41

There is temp work. Not as much as there used to be but it’s there.

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I signed up with one in March. Yet to be offered more than a single role and I couldn’t do that one as it was over a day I had an exam.

BooneyBeautiful · 05/05/2026 23:01

saminamama · 05/05/2026 19:12

They wanted to relocate his job to the continent he works with (Asia - he was working with Asia remotely for 4 years, but they want someone on the ground there) was the official reason, unofficially his boss had it in for him, he can be very outspoken and pig headed, I’m wondering if he was also too slow and too into details and not able to crack on, as seeing how slow he’s been with job searching…
it took him around 2 weeks to get his cv done, and therefore 2 weeks to apply for the first role

Please make sure he has claimed Contribution based JSA (not a means-tested benefit), and also use a benefits calculator to check on any other benefits to which you/he may be entitled.

Twooclockrock · 05/05/2026 23:01

Have you pit your mortgage on the mortgage charter, you get 6 months grace no effect on credit rating. It was a godsend to us during redundancy issues.
Speak to utilities they have help plans, speak to step change for any credit card debt.
He also needs to sign on for jobseekers allowance.

Crikeyalmighty · 05/05/2026 23:02

saminamama · 05/05/2026 22:35

What a lovely response thank you, in answer to your last question,
i love my husband but he can be a tricky character, harsh tone to his voice even though he doesn’t mean it

Show quote history

I do think That poster was correct - it can be very hard to actually get a job in his sphere and salary range if you are out there doing 7 hours in a warehouse etc - you aren’t available to take calls, can’t get time off for interview etc etc - it’s not straightforward as people think and usually means they haven’t been at that level - I appreciate though Theresa finite amount of time so I would say the following - see if you can take a 3 month break off the mortgage . In the meantime he must put at least 3 hours a day effort into searching, contacting head hunters in his area, make sure he is on linked in , look at contract as well as permanent . Make him pick up the domestic load, at least for nursery pick ups and drop offs plus keeping on top of house - he will have plenty of time - I wouldn’t not use childcare because otherwise he will struggle to actually do interviews if not on a day you are at home or take calls etc -.give it 3 to 4 months and cut back on non essentials and ideally have a mortgage break if possible , if nothing doing at that point work out whether more sensible for him to just do anything, you to up your hours etc

TTCbabynumber22025 · 05/05/2026 23:10

You sound very anxious but if you have £25k in savings plus an £11k payout coming in and your mortgage is £2k per month, then you’re okay for a while.

You do need to speak to him though and tell him to stop wasting money on market place. Cut back on everything you can. Why are you paying for nursery if you’re only using it 2 days per week, don’t you get the free hours?

I don’t think he’s BU to not have got an interview just yet as it’s still early days and recruitment takes forever and is so disheartening sometimes. But he is BU for not being more supportive of you and your worries.

Lavender14 · 05/05/2026 23:10

WimbyAce · 05/05/2026 22:44

Why do you have credit card debt when you have savings? So odd!

Not odd at all. Ensuring you have savings built up is an essential part of paying debt off responsibility and consistently. If you had no savings you'd be significantly more likely to default on a loan repayment. I have had debts previously and before repaying I built up a long term and short term savings pot so there could be no surprises that would have had me unable to make a repayment. Leaves you in a better position long term.

Happyjoe · 05/05/2026 23:11

saminamama · 05/05/2026 19:24

I’m on maternity leave currently, baby 8 months old, going back from next week because of this; 2 days a week to get some money coming in. I don’t have the childcare to do more, my husband ‘can’t possibly do the childcare as he’s too busy applying for jobs’

yet where are the interviews then

Show quote history

He's not working with you here, he's being bad, you guys are supposed to be a team. Of course he should step up the childcare while you earn, especially as he's not actually applying for jobs very fast.
Good luck OP, sorry.