To feel disappointed DS was left out at his nan’s b’day party by his cousin?

[BoldMaker73]

We went to a family gathering today at my brother’s/SIL’s house for my mum’s 80th birthday with mostly older relatives (50+) and a handful of children there too, his cousin, 11, and his neighbours (about 10-13ish). We were outside on the lawn at first then most of us came inside as it got a bit chilly but the children were outside playing games and running around together.

My DS, 19, is an only child and ended up sitting on his own or next to me for most of the afternoon. The children were all playing together outside and didn’t really include him or ask him to join in, and he didn’t want to force himself into their space either, so he just stayed sitting alone. My mum and dad as well as DH and his parents were mixing with the family friends and distant relatives so he couldn’t even speak to his grandparents that much.

I know he’s technically an adult, but he’s a lot closer in age to them than to us in our 50s-80s and I felt a sad for him as when I asked him about it he said he felt rejected and excluded by his cousin considering last summer when it was my brother’s 50th, his cousin and these neighbourhood friends invited him to play with them in the garden and on the green behind their house and he was excluded today.

AIBU for feeling slightly disappointed with my nephew for ignoring DS at this event or is it just one of those things? I remember being that girl picked last in PE every time so I know how it feels to feel rejected.

I had to read this twice to check it didn’t say he was 9. He’s 19!!!! He’s an adult. Why on earth would he have any interest in 11 year olds and vie Versa

Thinking about it OP I wonder if he needs someone to be like a wingman? Like an aunt or uncle that could help him with making conversation with unfamiliar people at events like this until he gets more used to it.

These situations why my kids always have a pack of cards with them @BoldMaker73

They can then either play solo games or ask others to join in. It always works as most people love a card game

Isn’t that what a parent would have done before now?

A lifetime ago Op, at 16 years and 9 months old , I began work at an Engineering works as an apprentice. From that moment on, I was no longer a child (I put away those childish things) and more importantly my parents treated me as an adult from then on. When will you do the same with your DS?

A 19 year old upset that he didn't get to play with the children 🤔

OP, you say your DH and both sets of GPs were mixing, chatting to various friends and family whilst your DS was sat next to you all day.

Is there a reason you weren’t also mixing and chatting to other people? Because that’s what you need to do with your DS. Or your DH needs to. Get him involved in the conversations. Show him how to ask questions, be interested in people etc.

They played together at the last event?
Does your son have additional needs? Because he’s an actual adult and should not feel the need to play with 10 year olds or feel rejected when they quite rightly treat him as any other grownup instead of inviting him to play 😳

What am I reading? You're upset because an 11 year old made your 19 year old MAN feel left out? I vote wind up.

It could be that OP is suffering from the same issues with anxiety and social skills here. Otherwise I'd have thought if she's noticed her son was just sitting with her she'd have tried this.

This has got to be a joke. Surely?

If not, how strange.

I meant the parent should have tried this several years ago. Just because the children played with him last year she thinks they should this year.

Yeah..my bad. DN is Nephew, not niece...she's trying to put the blame on an 11 year old...for not accomodating her 19 year old adult child.
She's wired to the fkn moon.

Then you should reassure him that it wouldn't have been remotely normal for a child to worry about whether an adult man was 'left out'. That his cousin acted in the way children would be expected to, and left an adult to their own devices. That this wasn't personal or a rejection, just typical of the different behaviour of children and adults.
I do think its important your son understands the difference between himself and a child, and if he's struggling with that, you should be helping him to see it rather than reinforcing it by acting like he's a child yourself.

This is a hilarious post.

Thanks for the giggles @BoldMaker73

I’m relieved that this ‘issue’ has had a unanimous response on here. The oddest thing I’ve ever read and really quite concerning.

I think the people you should be disappointed in is you and DH for not encouraging DS into conversations with other relatives - it’s not o. His 11 year old cousin to involve him when he’s almost double their age and it’s unfair to put it on a child!!

in future why not find someone else who was an equally awkward teen or had issues with confidence and introduce them to your son and the 2-3 of you chat together; talk about how things improved or changed. If there’s no one like that at the gathering, then you reminisce about family holidays, summers or events when you were younger and how they were different to today. Or make sure to invite someone nearer DS age that he is comfortable around so he’s not alone for much of the day!!

I think a lot of parents see growing up and acquiring adults skills as a passive thing. My parents did, they were very insular in my teenage years and I think that they realised far too late that I had such poor social skills because we so rarely socialised with their peers.

Watching this for when OP comes back and explains herself. Cos what are you on about OP? 😂😂😂

This has to be a joke. There’s no way it’s real 🤣🤭

Most 19 year olds I know would be getting pissed not wanting to play tag with the kids and I mean that in the nicest way possible

It sounds like that ship has sailed. The time to learn this has passed and it’s already affecting his life. The OP’s anxieties have transferred to him to the extent he seems primary school children as his peers.

There is nothing wrong with being bored at a family do - as a grown adult he shouldn’t be relying on children to help his self esteem

They dont but I would expect the transition from child to adult to evolve from 12/13 really, if you dont prepare them for adilthood then of course its not an overnight transition. Presumably your DD did not sit feeling left out, waiting for the kids to ask her to 'play'.

To not have this expectation of your children is actually very unfair and sets them up to fail socially. My 19 yo has friends of 17/18 up to mid 40s. None of them 'play', they may hang out at the beach, go for drives, go to the pub, play sport.

@clearly just popped back on now

I spoke to DS about this over lunch and he said he is now over it but I’ve taken on board what has been said on here. He said he prefers children because they are easier to talk to because they are more inquisitive and less judgy which I agree to a certain extent as I work in a nursery. I do believe his volunteering may help with social anxiety eventually as he’s interacting with older people mainly but he still struggles to talk to them there and mostly does his bits and bobs alone so it’ll probably be baby steps.

DH mostly agrees with you guys but I said he should have helped him interact with the older people if he feels that way.

Its not on your DH, you both should have been preparing your DS for adulthood years ago surely?