To feel disappointed DS was left out at his nan’s b’day party by his cousin?

[BoldMaker73]

We went to a family gathering today at my brother’s/SIL’s house for my mum’s 80th birthday with mostly older relatives (50+) and a handful of children there too, his cousin, 11, and his neighbours (about 10-13ish). We were outside on the lawn at first then most of us came inside as it got a bit chilly but the children were outside playing games and running around together.

My DS, 19, is an only child and ended up sitting on his own or next to me for most of the afternoon. The children were all playing together outside and didn’t really include him or ask him to join in, and he didn’t want to force himself into their space either, so he just stayed sitting alone. My mum and dad as well as DH and his parents were mixing with the family friends and distant relatives so he couldn’t even speak to his grandparents that much.

I know he’s technically an adult, but he’s a lot closer in age to them than to us in our 50s-80s and I felt a sad for him as when I asked him about it he said he felt rejected and excluded by his cousin considering last summer when it was my brother’s 50th, his cousin and these neighbourhood friends invited him to play with them in the garden and on the green behind their house and he was excluded today.

AIBU for feeling slightly disappointed with my nephew for ignoring DS at this event or is it just one of those things? I remember being that girl picked last in PE every time so I know how it feels to feel rejected.

Seriously? He's at the weird age where he probably doesn't know where he should be, I remember being there myself, just adult but the youngsters wouldn't dream of including me so sidelines it was. Why did he not take it upon himself to organise a game/include himself? Affect his self esteem? Goodness.

🤣🤣🤣

This is a whole new level. Well done OP! 🎣 10/10.

There is no way I would expect a 19 year old to go and hang around with an 11 year old or even 13 year old!

I would expect him to mix with the adults! regardless if they are 30 or 50!

That’s not the same thing at all though. You’re talking about playing with them to oversee them for the adults and your DD playing with her younger cousins to keep them occupied. The OP is talking about feeling aggrieved at an 11 yr old child and her 19 yr old son feeling rejected because they didn’t invite him to play with them. That is not behaviour that will stand either of them well in life and is probably why both of them have had problems making friends.

And of course you don’t go from a child to an adult overnight and there are different levels of maturity, but the OP’s son is far enough behind that it’s going to cause him some problems in life if it’s not addressed.

Ffs is this a joke? Tell him to get a grip and handle himself like an adult at events like this.

Please don't baby him, you could be doing real damage. There's nothing for you to sort out here. Does he have friends that he goes out with? Encourage him to go out and mix with friends. He doesn't have to feel rejected, if he wants to join in he can go to his cousins and interact with them.

Having said that I'm a bit gobsmacked at people saying it's "weird" or "odd" or even "perverse" for a 19 year old to want to spend time with primary school kids. They're cousins! It's very normal (not to mention healthy) for families to bond across different age groups. My daughter is the same age and in this situation she'd be lounging about near the kids on her phone completely ignoring them, or if they were doing something she fancied she'd jump in and join, then back to her own devices when she'd have enough. My older one at that age would spend more time with the younger cousins, organising things. Some people don't seem to know how to be a part of a family.

When I was at uni, if one of the other students had complained that they felt left out because their eleven-year-old cousin didn't invite them to play with him and his friends, I would have thought they were joking. If I'd realised they were serious, I probably would have avoided that person from then on because I'd be creeped out.

OP, you're repeatedly talking about your son as though eleven-year-olds are his peers, even throwing in comparisons to being the last kid picked in gym. This is very worrying and isn't helping him.

Why are you baby-ing him? He sounds a bit wet and you enable it. His “social anxiety” will never get better if he just expects to go play with children. He needs to get himself out of his comfort zone, get a job, grow up.

I agree with you that it's not as odd as some people seem to think that a 19 year old might enjoy "play". We have a big extended family with cousins ranging from over 30 to 3 in the same generation. At a recent family event I saw my 30 year old niece playing a computer game with a much younger cousin and my 20 something sons were running around with nerf guns in the garden with some of the others. All the older family members were saying things like "Oh aren't they good, looking after the little ones" and yes, they were doing it out of a sense of duty, but I think they had a bit of fun too! Nothing wrong with adults of any age enjoying games.
However, the differences are that a)the young adults were doing it for the kids and were "in charge" and b) they also spent time with their older relatives.
The issues here are that the OP's son is seemingly unable to communicate with adults he doesn't know and the OP seems to think that it is the responsibility of actual children to take the initiative and look after her adult son.
Now I have sympathy with anyone who doesn't enjoy this type of thing. I am an introvert who, given the choice, would never attend another social event again, and one of my DC is the same. We are always glad to escape! But no man is an island and social skills have to be learned. For most people family events are probably where that learning begins. Being able to put up with annoying kids relate to younger people is one of those skills and that's good, but not if it is a mechanism to avoid adult interactions. There are quite a few people that the OP could have reason to feel disappointed in here, but I really don't think the 11 year old should be one of them.

OP, so many posters seem to think that the second your child becomes 18, they turn into an adult who is totally different to a child.

In reality most have started the transition before their turn 18 - there's a point where they actively try to move away from 'childish' things and want to act more grown up and independent - often around 15/16. It's okay to still want to be a child at that age, but by the time you reach adulthood, it shouldn't be to the extent that it prevents you moving forward.

Hes 19 why would a 10-13 year old group of children want to play with a 19 year old man?
I say man because although hes a young man he is an adult!
The way you started i expected your son to be 6 or 7
I think you are being unreasonable honestly its just odd
Turn it around and imagine the comments if your 19 year old was trying to play with 10 year olds and the 10 year olds parents didnt agree? All quite innocent but its not normal is it

Apparently not on MN where anyone under 25 is a child 🙄

Hes nearly twice their age - it’s one thing being the one to organise a game for them to play but sitting there waiting to be invited to play by primary age children is not good

You didn't seriously expect a 19yr old to play with the kids? 😂

I have older nieces and nephews 23-16 age range the older boys will play football or might play chases with the younger ones for about 15 minutes at a family gathering the older girls will paint their nails or do their hairs. It's lovely for older cousins to bond with their younger cousins. But it's all instigated by the older ones and not for long- please get him help there is obviously something underlying.

Good lord. When I saw the title I thought I was going to read about a child that hadn’t been invited to a grandparents birthday do by an organising cousin.

I did NOT in a million years a weirdass Mother who is concerned that her ADULT child was not asked to play with children!

It’s just all so bizarre! An adult OP! Jeez, do you tie his laces for him? Fasten his bib at lunchtime?

Your child has social anxiety but you haven't done anything about it. You have wondered if he is ND but haven't done anything about it. You are blaming an 11 year old for not having the forethought to invite his cousin to play who is in cousin's eyes and adult. Kindly, you are looking at this all wrong. Get your son tested for ND so he has techniques for dealing with social settings Get him therapy so he can interact in social settings and more importantly that he can go up to his cousin and say wotcha up to? Can I hang out here cos the oldies are boring! And not leave it to an 11 year old to ask him to join in. This does not look like a skill set he will otherwise grow into

Sitting next to you and not interacting with anyone at a party isn’t appropriate. It would have been a good way to practice social skills.
If he genuinely hasn’t got anything to talk about then that’s a big part of the issue. What are you doing now is a very common opener. If his answer is gaming in his bedroom sponging off mum it’s not a good look.
If this is genuine Op you’ve done him a massive disservice and need to wake up and treat him as an adult.
If he genuinely can’t work, study or cook/do laundry and isn’t capable of doing things like learning to drive or going out with friends then you need to encourage him to seek treatment and a diagnosis.
Keeping him at home like a young child isn’t in his best interests.

Even if the cousin were fifteen, not eleven, it would be odd that the OP's nineteen-year-old son felt rejected at not being invited to hang out with him and his friends.

She’s missed boat on getting him tested. He’s an adult it’s up to him if he pursues a diagnosis.

Family gatherings like this are dull as dishwater for late teens. I have a 17 year old who would much rather stay at home than be dragged to something like this! In fact if probsbly have to bribe her to come.
I'd let it go and stop overthinking it. Encourage your son to get out there and enjoy life.

Op actually said he wouldn’t know what to do at home on his own!

Being the only socially awkward young adult at a party with older adults or kids isn't always the easiest social situation.It's quite normal that some people find that, and the small talk that comes with it, challenging.
Expecting an 11 year old to invite an adult to 'come and play' with them though is wildly inappropriate. Both you and DS need to change your thinking around this, to protect him as much as anything else. I don't think it's too much of a stretch to think another parent would interpret his intentions with the kids he expects to play with as being very dark. He, and you, might see himself as their peer but the kids don't, their parents won't and society doesn't.
You need to stop seeing him as an old child and as the young adult he is. He's not 'technically an adult', he is an adult. He needs to understand why that makes playing with kids like they are his peers inappropriate. He needs to be helped to find work. He needs to not be babied.

It sounds as though your son is on the socially anxious/ awkward side of things - I think the useful lesson here would be to use it to have a chat with him - my duaghter is autistic and we have to talk these situations through (and yes I'd be looking at ND traits here)

Say to your son - the others were a lot younger than you so the expectation would be that if you want to join them - you go in and offer to organise a game, or just say hey can I join. The NORMAL social expectation would NOT be that 11 year olds would have a 'burden'/duty/ responsibility' towards a MUCH older cousin who is now an adult.

If your son is hurt and offended, he has misunderstood social rules that - as you can see from this thread - are completely understood by most people.

I wonder if you are also neurodiverse - you sound to be carrying sadness from your own childhood and then projecting it as well .

It's never too late to learn in life - and I think your son is going to really benefit if you can help him navigate these situations.

Oh, ffs.

This! No they don't become an adult overnight @skyeisthelimit but I wouldn't expect it of a 16/17 year old either. Around puberty they slowly start growing out of childish things and it's a gradual transition from there.