To feel disappointed DS was left out at his nan’s b’day party by his cousin?

[BoldMaker73]

We went to a family gathering today at my brother’s/SIL’s house for my mum’s 80th birthday with mostly older relatives (50+) and a handful of children there too, his cousin, 11, and his neighbours (about 10-13ish). We were outside on the lawn at first then most of us came inside as it got a bit chilly but the children were outside playing games and running around together.

My DS, 19, is an only child and ended up sitting on his own or next to me for most of the afternoon. The children were all playing together outside and didn’t really include him or ask him to join in, and he didn’t want to force himself into their space either, so he just stayed sitting alone. My mum and dad as well as DH and his parents were mixing with the family friends and distant relatives so he couldn’t even speak to his grandparents that much.

I know he’s technically an adult, but he’s a lot closer in age to them than to us in our 50s-80s and I felt a sad for him as when I asked him about it he said he felt rejected and excluded by his cousin considering last summer when it was my brother’s 50th, his cousin and these neighbourhood friends invited him to play with them in the garden and on the green behind their house and he was excluded today.

AIBU for feeling slightly disappointed with my nephew for ignoring DS at this event or is it just one of those things? I remember being that girl picked last in PE every time so I know how it feels to feel rejected.

You're disappointed that your 19-year old son wasn't invited to play by his 11-year old cousin? This has to be a joke but if it's not, you need to give your head a wobble, OP. How embarrassing for you both. Your son is an adult and it's time for him to sit at the adult table, instead of playing hide-and-seek with a bunch of primary schoolers.

When I was 19 and visited my much younger cousins I would lead in a game like an adult, not a peer, for some time and then join the adults, drink a beer and participate in the conversation. Sitting in a corner waiting for my 8 year old cousins to come and "ask me to play" is just so weird. And i say this as someone who is reserved. I was more like a cool auntie.

I would definitely investigate ND with your son. Mathematically I understand that he is closer in age to your nephew and his friends, but it sounds like he struggled to mix/talk/interact with anyone. Even though they are older, most adults can hold a conversation with other adults, regardless of age - they just taper the conversation appropriately. It doesn't sound like DS could do that. Nor could he go over and talk to the younger ones, and just join in without an invitation. This does sound like ND to me. DS14 can be socially awkward at times, but at family gatherings he will talk to older family members about anything (usually school, football etc) and he'll go join his younger cousins playing in the garden or playing computer games. He won't be the life and soul of the party, but he can and will interact. From your posts, its possible that you are both ND, perhaps looking into this would be a good place to start.

YABU for expecting the 11yo to manage this social situation in a way that would make your son happy. That's a big ask for a child.

I know lots of older teenage boys who do enjoy horsing around with younger children (and the younger children love it to) but the dynamic is different and usually you end up peeling the younger children off the long-suffering older boy who has had enough by that stage.

I agree 19yo is still young and normally young people that age flit between the children and adults depending on what's going on, but it's always going to be awkward for them if they're the only one in that age group at a party with children and older adults. I find it's best to get them helping with something - serving food and drinks etc. - if things are a bit awkward.

I’m sorry OP but this is very very odd. A 19yo should not feel left out because an 11 year old - very much still a child - hasn’t invited him to come and play. Not saying they can’t interact / but it would be extremely odd for an 11yo to be taking the lead in interacting with a 19yo. I think you need to really need to find ways to increase his social confidence.
And if there’s anyone to be upset with about your 19yo being left alone at a family party, it’s other adult family members who could have added him to a conversation - not a child! (Although ultimately at 19 he should be able to take responsibility in socialising with family himself).

Your complacency is life has enabled a disadvantaged life for your son. He became an adult when he turned 18. He's not -almost- an adult, he -is- an adult! You need to cut the apron strings because you're not doing him any favours!

This is utterly bizarre. For goodness sake get off your backside and get both of you assessed! It might be nothing to do with ND, and even if you are...it still doesn't explain this bizarre behaviour. It's no wonder he doesn't have a job. You're enabling his self-pitying. Both of you sound precious.

I'm imagining I’m a fairly typical 19 year old at a family party. There aren’t any other older teenagers or young adults there but there is a bunch of younger kids.
So who do I chat to?
I am a bit awkward with chat as are many young adults, so it’s probably mostly with my parents’ friends and our close relatives.
I’m probably bored out of my skull after a while. I might consider bestowing my presence on the younger kids for a bit. But I would not be particularly interested in them and nor would I be at all surprised at not being invited to join them.
I probably did have some self esteem issues at that age, many young people do. Lack of interest from much younger children would not have been on my radar.
This lad seems very young for his age.
.

19 year olds don’t ‘play’. He might be closer in age but there’s a MASSIVE difference between 11 and 19 years old.

If they were playing football/ similar he could have tried to join in but I wouldn’t expect 19 year olds to want to hang around with 11-13 year olds or the 11-13 year olds to want to hang around with the 19 year old.

I'm a much older adult and I still enjoy playing hide and seek with the kids rather than sitting at the adult table 😂.

But I think the difference is very much that when you're an adult, the onus is on you to read the situation as to when the children want to play with you and when they just want to be left alone to get on with stuff. Sometimes kids welcome interaction from adults, sometimes they just want to play by themselves. And I think most 11 and 13yos wouldn't want adults playing with them!

I agree - it's the adults not the children who should have made sure he was included.

If he was the fun big cousin you'd normally expect them to pick up a ball etc etc and take the lead joining in, and that wouldn't be odd.

What is odd is expecting the children here to take the lead and invite - essentially - an adult to play with them.

You would serve your 19 year old better to help them learn how to engage in normal social situations.

He’s 19!!! Why on earth would he want to play with 11-13 year olds? If he feels rejected I’d say that says something about him not them! He’s an adult and could have been chatting with you… his parent!

Agreed - even expecting 11 -13yos to interact with a 19yo is perverse. I don't care they they're cousins. I don't care if they apparently played together 12 months ago. Your ds is an adult, and at worst could have scrolled on their phone to kill time, gone for a walk, etc. You as the parent need to reassess your expectations on young people.

Do you not have friends with sons of thr same age, or any current experience with young adults?

Trying to understand how you are so out of touch with the "norm" here.

Your son is an adult. You are infantilising him and it is very damaging to him.

Who has been bankrolling him for the last 11mths that he's not been in education or working?

Expect that he's living at home and you're still giving him pocket money.

What's the plan long term though? And for after you're gone?

If his social anxiety is so bad that he cannot speak yo any other adult then why haven't you spent the last year fixing it?

If he's not been on benefits for the last year then he'a missed out on a year towards his pension.

I would syrongly suspect that this is you holding him back here, and you really need to address (truthfully) if that is the case.

I'd argue this was neglectful.

Very odd question

I'm with everyone else on this. I have cousins on one side who are 10/11 years older than me. At family gatherings when I was about 10 and they were your sons ahe they were very much with the "adults" . The idea that I would have asked them to play is laughable and if they had it would have been very much in a leader scenario

If your child does have social anxiety, that isn't on his younger cousins to facilitate. At his age, its good for him to learn to be with older adults and converse with them. Though if it's relatives he knows well I can't see the problem. We never had these segregated family gatherings where you only spoke to those the same age!

OP, so many posters seem to think that the second your child becomes 18, they turn into an adult who is totally different to a child. In reality, a lot are still very young for their age and still enjoy the company of children. Some teens also don't spend every second glued to their phones, especially if encouraged by the parents not to.

My DD has never been the sort who turned her nose up at younger ones, and has friends still from primary who were in the year below her.

Your DS should have gone out and asked to join in, or set up a game etc, and he could have been playing with them/overseeing them for the adults. My DD is 18 and was "playing" with my cousin's kids aged 10 and 7 at the weekend to keep them occupied.

I find it quite worrying that at 19 any additional needs aside, they don't have the skills to sit and talk to a 50 year old. You're completely infatalising him by insisting he goes plays in the kiddie corner instead of actually interacting with older adults.

This is how you learn social skills. His social anxiety is never going to improve if he's completey molly coddled by you. At 19, all my aunties and uncles and parents were around the 50 mark. And any of their friends or distant older relatives were around that age too. At family gatherings, I spent most my time conversing and having drinks with people of all ages on all sorts of topics. I had a job where I worked with people of all ages and spent time with friends parents too.

I find it completey bizarre, that a 19 year old with no additional needs is somehow incapable of making conversation with someone older than them and furthermore his mother encourages this sort of childish behaviour.

Please get your son help

He’s 19, not just turned 18. It is also not a much younger child’s job to entertain him? Why do you think an 11 year old should be in charge of organising an immature 19 year old to play with them?

the situation you explain is fine, overseeing them, organising them, but that’s not what OPs wants, is it? Otherwise she’d have told her DS to do that and not expect a child to invite him to “play”, as if it’s a level playing field.

Why does your DS want to play with little kids rather than engage in adult conversations? I can understand that he might be invited to join in with a kids game and have fun spending time with them from time to time, but he isn't one of them. He's an adult, and they are children. Having an adult involved in a game that children are playing completely changes the dynamic. Asking to play is very unusual for a man of that age.

At 19, I was a regular in my local pub, and I could hold a conversation with no problem with 40, 50, and 60 odd year olds. I was in no way anything other than an average 19 year old except I was quite shy. I realised, though, to get on with people and be accepted by my peers, I had to speak to people.

“play”, as if it’s a level playing field. 😎

This, OP. This.

You didn't want him to grow up like you, but he has grown up like you. 🤷🏻‍♀️

Weird and precious. How does your man child function normally?