To feel disappointed DS was left out at his nan’s b’day party by his cousin?

[BoldMaker73]

We went to a family gathering today at my brother’s/SIL’s house for my mum’s 80th birthday with mostly older relatives (50+) and a handful of children there too, his cousin, 11, and his neighbours (about 10-13ish). We were outside on the lawn at first then most of us came inside as it got a bit chilly but the children were outside playing games and running around together.

My DS, 19, is an only child and ended up sitting on his own or next to me for most of the afternoon. The children were all playing together outside and didn’t really include him or ask him to join in, and he didn’t want to force himself into their space either, so he just stayed sitting alone. My mum and dad as well as DH and his parents were mixing with the family friends and distant relatives so he couldn’t even speak to his grandparents that much.

I know he’s technically an adult, but he’s a lot closer in age to them than to us in our 50s-80s and I felt a sad for him as when I asked him about it he said he felt rejected and excluded by his cousin considering last summer when it was my brother’s 50th, his cousin and these neighbourhood friends invited him to play with them in the garden and on the green behind their house and he was excluded today.

AIBU for feeling slightly disappointed with my nephew for ignoring DS at this event or is it just one of those things? I remember being that girl picked last in PE every time so I know how it feels to feel rejected.

As PP have said, you are infantilising your adult son, and placing unreasonable demands on children. He is not technically an adult, he is an adult, including the legal sense.

Socialising is like a muscle, you need to use it to develop it. As a child I spent a lot of time with my grandparents and their friends, people 50+ are not an alien life form. It's awkward and uncomfortable at first, but you get better with practice.

What you need to do as a parent is help your son to thrive.The volunteering is good, but he (and you) have to realise that it's unreasonable to expect literal children to include an adult in their games.

A ND diagnosis isn't a flack jacket to avoid discomfort, but exploring this may help him understand himself better if he is undiagnosed.

I’m wondering why you have higher expectations of the 11 year old (to ‘include’ your son), than you do of your 19 year old (to make the effort to lead some games/join in with the children)?

Lots of older teens will enjoy interacting with younger children but not as peers playing. They’ll organise games etc. There was nothing to stop your son going over and saying do you all fancy a game of football/cricket whatever. There’s lots of young leaders in scouting and guiding (or as full leaders from age 18)
Nothing inappropriate about that. Lots of teens enjoy working with kids, mine is back at Camp America this summer.
What isn’t age appropriate is expecting to be invited to play by an 11 yr as a peer.

He’s 19, the kids see him as an adult.

My youngest brother in law is 21, there’s a big gap between him and my husband. The older cousins are all around the age in OP’s post. If brother in law gets bored of the adult chat he will go off and ask the kids if they want to play a game of cricket / kick a ball around or something - they love it but it’s clearly an adult joining them to muck about. Next time suggest he goes off to organise a game of something for the kids to keep himself entertained if he’s bored?

Getting on with adults of all ages is a necessary skill for workplace. I’d really encourage him to get a job.
My vivid memory of my grandads funeral is all his young apprentices turning up (he died shortly after retiring)

Exactly this. There’s absolutely nothing wrong with a 19 year old initiating a game of football for example with his cousins. It’s a nice thing to do. What’s weird is for a 19 year old to sit waiting for his much younger cousin to invite him to come and ‘play’.

I’ve read a lot of daft things on mn over the years but this has to be the silliest.

Why on earth can’t your adult son be part of a conversation with other adults? Surely you’ve brought him up to be able to chat with family friends?

If you haven’t, it’s time for some serious remedial skill-building. You have to teach social skills, not just vaguely hope children will acquire them. This is doubly true if he has nd issues.

Stop hoping children will play with him and teach him the skills he needs to be a functioning adult!

YABU. He was in a situation where his age group wasnt represented, that's all. It happens.

At 19 I would much rather have been enjoying a beer with my 50 year old relatives than play (/babysit) with 10/11 year olds. If he was unhappy he would have said something.

I really think this is a made up joke. What 19 year old would want to play outside with 11 to 13 year old? Unless maybe they had special needs.

I feel so sad for your son that despite the struggles he's had over years, as you had detailed, you have never seriously considered his potential neurodivergence, or sought support for him in terms of his social anxiety, lack of friends, and the issue around the younger cousins. He sounds very young for his age.

At 19 he is an adult, and most 19 year olds are happy to converse with other adults in a social setting and would not want to hang out with their young cousins in the way you describe at a social event. It would be odd to do so.

What are his future plans if he has left college and isn't working? What are you doing to support him if he isn't able/willing to do anything for himself?

What do you mean “what else would he do at home?” He’s 19, do you never leave him home alone?

This is honestly one of the strangest things I've read on mn.

Of course an 11yo isn't responsible for scaffolding your adult ds' social interactions.

It would be very very strange for an adult to join children's game as an equal.

I'd imagine a 19yo would have far more in common with a 50yo than a prepubescent child. Surely you should be encouraging your ds to strengthen his social skills with other adults?

I genuinely thought 19 was a typo - that the OP was going to put 10 but changed it to 9 for anonymity.

This is batshit. I have an almost 19yo and 13yo nieces and nephews. My DD would never want to ‘play’ with them - they chat and get on but there’s a chasm in age between them and the 13yos would never ask her to play.

Very strange.

Why didn't you suggest to your DS that he took along his collection of Action Men to play with. Then maybe he cousins would have wanted to play with him.

This post is really odd, surely a 19 yo would have plenty to do at home. I have 18/19/20 yos. They would mix with grandparents, random relatives they dont know or if they wanted to join in with kids (i mean they wouldnt) as they are adults they would sort joining in themselves.

I think your expectations are causing the issues.

At 19, not only would I not play with children, I wouldn't be seen dead on a family holiday at that age. I was a man at that stage of my life, and I wanted to be a man with all the benefits and opportunities it brought me.

This with bells on!

My 19-year-old was at university partying at that age. Not a chance in hell he would’ve wanted to hang out with children at any event.

I don't think it's weird that a 19 year old still wants to play. My 17 year old absolutely still plays. He'd want to kick a ball about with younger cousins, for sure, especially at an event where the alternative is listening to what happened to someone he doesn't know's next door neighbour's daughter's husband when he went in for his eye operation.

But the onus would very much be on the older teen to go and try and co-ordinate some fun that's appropriate for someone his age, and theirs.

The idea that an 11-year old is expected to invite a 19-year old to play, is weird.

Yes that comment is very telling about how op views him. Like a child who can’t stay home alone.
It’s nice he wanted to go to the party but not all teens could eg may be away at uni or working.

You are being unreasonable(thats the politest term i can use for this ridiculousness) to expect a child of 11 yrs to make an effort to include an adult in their games.
Tbh i suspect you are trolling.....

Like others, I started reading and assumed the 19 was a typo and you meant 9, until you went on to say that he was an adult.

Unless there are significant additional needs issues - which presumably there aren't or you would have mentioned them - this is truly bizarre.

If that had been my DS I would have expected him to make polite conversation with the other adults. If he'd wanted to start a game of football or something with younger cousins then fair enough, but in no way would I expect children to try to entertain a 19 year old.

OP there are lots of people voting on this thread and over 99% are of the view that you are being unreasonable. You need to take note of that.

Why would you not have looked into it, surely its a parents responsibility to ensure their DC have access to help they may need and understand why they may struggle with things. My 18 and 19 yo are both ND and we have given them the tools to ensure they have the best opportunity possible to be able to mix, work etc.

This is just bizarre. Your disappointment is misplaced with your nephew. Your son is a grown MAN. What kid is gonna think..Oh hang on till I go in and ask my man cousin to come out and "play" with us.
The fact your son felt rejected and excluded is very sad and more than likely down to you. How you have let him get to this age, have seen his struggles and done nothing about it is just awful.

At the age of 19, it’s quite unusual for a 19 year old to want to ‘play’ with anyone, let alone with pre teen children, which is why I think people are wondering about neuro diversity, especially as you aren’t picking up on that either, and you describe yourself as having similar problems at his age.

He would have been fine with his grandparents as he’s close to them but wouldn’t feel comfortable in the three-way conversation with an unfamiliar adult there I mean this in the kindest possible way, but you don’t seem to understand that at the age of 19, very few people feel comfortable talking to people they don’t know. But that’s how you develop social skills. You swallow it and you put yourself out there. Instead of blaming an 11yr old for failing to take responsibility for entertaining an adult cousin, perhaps you could help matters by wondering around the party with him, talking to people and bringing him into the conversation? Just so he starts getting some practice at basic social skills. Because no 19 yr olds are going to come knocking on your front door, introduce themselves and ask if he fancies coming out for a game of football down the park. If he wants friends, he has to ignore the feelings of awkwardness and discomfort and get out there. He talks to some random friends of his grandparents today. Tomorrow he joins a karate class (which is nothing about fighting and everything about developing confidence) or gets a job in a bar. If you don’t have that in built confidence then you have to learn it.

I know it’s harder for some rather than others, but you can’t sit in a corner, refusing to step outside of your comfort zone, then complain that people aren’t flocking to be your friend.