Am I being harsh to finish with my date over his ‘home cooked’ dinner?

[WeeksJa]

I’ve had a few dates with a man over the last couple of months, and he invited me over to his last night for what he promised would be a ‘home cooked’ dinner. He knows I like my food and eat healthily/well.

This is what he served up:

Starter - Gyoza’s from the supermarket
Dinner - Curry; one of those kits where you fry off the spices and add provided sauce etc
Desert - chocolate brownie (supermarket purchased)

It just felt a bit…low effort. Not what I’d describe as ‘home cooked’.

My friends are divided - a couple say to finish it, a couple say to give him the benefit of the doubt, feedback my disappointment and see if he can redeem himself.

Thoughts welcome!

They are in happy and fulfilled marriages though because they are happy to do all or the majority of the cooking. It isn't going to be happy or fulfilling if you aren't going to be happy to do all of the cooking.

Nope, cooking is a basic life skill. Same goes for keeping yourself clean and keeping your space clean and tidy.

Why should women accept less than the bare minimum.

The only meal my husband has ever cooked for me consisted of fish fingers and frozen vegetables. I thought it was very funny. 25 years later, I am still (happily) the cook, and he pulls his weight in other ways. It sounds as if your boyfriend tried his best and probably did cook what he thought of as a home cooked meal. This seems like a very petty thing to judge someone on.

Some people aren't great cooks, and as long as they can do the basics in an emergency, then I don't see a problem. In a lot of relationships, couples divide tasks and one might do the majority of cooking.
But if it is a big deal for you, then that's your choice, just as if you'd dump a man for not wanting to run 10K every night/not enjoying doing DIY and gardening to an expert standard. It's not anyone else's choice, it's yours, if you feel very strongly, so your options would be to give him the chance to learn to prep food how you want, finish it now and find a good cook, or to say you'll just live with it if he's a decent person.

Poor sod, don’t leave him to suffer the judgement

I can manage a multitude of things in my life, multiple children at different settings, help run a business, work outside the home at a totally different job, remember everyone's birthdays and who needs to be where at any given time.
I cannot cook properly.
I can do homemade food, but it's usually disappointing. If I can provide a nice dinner using supermarket help then why would I disappoint everyone by trying to prove my worth (or not it would seem) with my poor culinary skills?

It's like the whole a fish can't climb a tree thing..

Obviously if from scratch style cooking is what you want from a future husband then let him go. Maybe he did put less effort in, or maybe he didn't want you to served something inedible or give you a false sense of his abilities. We can only speculate.

You sound quite young and as if you've not quite worked out what is important in a relationship although if being to rustle up a 3 course 'home cooked' meal is on your 'must have' list, then you don't need to ask here, surely.

My DP can't cook much.
However, he can do loads of things that I can't. Too many to list. DIY, IT, earns a lot, fantastic with our kids and will do anything for them.

He's a lovely kind person, who (one example) jumped in his car and drove miles to help me when I'd broken down en route to see him, years ago when we were dating.

You need to look at someone as the whole package, in my experience, not just whether their cooking matches your ideal.

He's clearly not for you, so it's not case of being harsh dumping him, it's doing him a favour as you clearly aren't that keen. Let him go.

Haha honestly, the audacity of it! I'm out, not dealing with this nail tapping narc type any more :) good luck!! x

Is this a form of reverse and the OP is actually male and wondering if he should dump a woman who can’t give him a ‘proper home-cooked meal’?

If culinary skills had been something you needed to get a bf. I think I would never have married.

I ate out a lot. Mainly because exh wanted to eat and to save another insurance claim for kitchen fire (6 kitchens) over 10 years

I had undiagnosed ADHD so when I tried to cook or make anything and I didn’t have an ingredient I would improvise. Or I would get bored and wander off and forget what was in the oven

I think he may be guilty of overselling, perhaps unintentionally. Your definitions of 'home cooked' differ. You were expecting fine dining effort and he had planned eat something at my house.
I personally don't think it's a lack of effort. You got three courses. I love cooking/hosting but I know people who would consider heating up food as home cooked.

Sounds as if you are not that into him if you are prepared to bin him off for his offering. Have you cooked for him? Perhaps a 'cooking date or class' to show him your standards.

But some women aren't good at cooking and don't enjoy it either. Would you be okay if a man posted to say he was dumping his girlfriend because she was a rubbish cook?

No, it’s really simple. You don’t cook. That’s fine, of course! Don’t offer to cook!!
If you’re amazing at DIY, or gardening, or whatever, offer to do that instead. Don’t oversell and disappoint.

I would expect a "hey hun, I'm sorry for the low effort but I had a crazy day full of x, y and z so I'm getting you a microwaved curry, hope you don't mind", then proceed to talk about his busy day, end of story and no big deal. If he's been dating the OP for a while he should know by now that she's a foodie, a bit of a health nut and a microwaved curry is not her thing, and herein the red flag: he hasn't picked on this or he has but can care less.🚩

I'm trying really hard hear, but I'm really struggling to ascertain what you would like. It seems to me that some blokes are not so simple minder and can change.

Except it wasn't a microwaved curry it was something like Hello Fresh' kit with fresh meat and a sauce.

This response will reassure you you did the right thing. If that was making an effort, then a relationship with him would have you cooking every meal. It’d be like having children. No thanks.

Or he might live with his mum…

Or his wife…😁

Hopefully, and hope he’s a chef. 😂

It’s the dinner parties where my guests found each other eating in the nearby restaurant before they came round.

Or when it was kindly suggested I get M&S sandwich’s and cans of soup for the next dinner party and the relief I felt. Especially when exh said he would put himself in charge of opening the soup cans and heating them up

When you read the thread you ll see that 95% of responders do indeed think this kind of food is home cooked. It’s been a parallel world thread for me. But does explain why three quarters of supermarkets are packets and jars.

Or the relationship could be with her accepting that not every meal is 3 course cooked from scratch.

The basics are that a partner should be kind, caring, decent, honest, faithful, and whatever else floats your boat regarding your interests/ hobbies and of course you fancy the pants of them.

Not cooking a 3 course meal from scratch would not be on my list of priorities. A great 'extra' but not essential.

Yep, if the OP was a man I’d be ok with it too.

That wasn’t the “gotcha” you thought it would be 🤣

That was the right move.

Life's too short for disappointing food.

95% of posters think she was unreasonable. That's not the same as 95% saying the meal was 'home cooked' - it was cooked in an oven at home but 2 courses were ready to heat.