Am I being harsh to finish with my date over his ‘home cooked’ dinner?

[WeeksJa]

I’ve had a few dates with a man over the last couple of months, and he invited me over to his last night for what he promised would be a ‘home cooked’ dinner. He knows I like my food and eat healthily/well.

This is what he served up:

Starter - Gyoza’s from the supermarket
Dinner - Curry; one of those kits where you fry off the spices and add provided sauce etc
Desert - chocolate brownie (supermarket purchased)

It just felt a bit…low effort. Not what I’d describe as ‘home cooked’.

My friends are divided - a couple say to finish it, a couple say to give him the benefit of the doubt, feedback my disappointment and see if he can redeem himself.

Thoughts welcome!

Yikes. She is not “punishing” somebody because she chooses not to have sex with them. You seem to think he is entitled to her body.

Low effort ? Really? A pizza in the oven is low effort, the date put a three course meal in front of you for free … sheeeesh

The first time my now husband came to mine for dinner I cooked everything from scratch because I was trying to push the boat out and impress him. He can’t really cook - he can throw together a kit, he’s not incompetent, but cooking isn’t something he excels in. He never invited me for dinner at his house though.

Once we were a couple he would make me food when I was at his, he does make a good bacon sando, but if I was invited over for a “home cooked meal” I would expect it to be home cooked and I’d expect the person to be a good cook. I’m with you OP I would be disappointed. It’s the third date, you’re still supposed to be pulling out all the stops imo. Don’t get me wrong if DH made me a curry from a kit now I’d be happy with that, but if he hyped up a “date night” and did that I’d be a bit disappointed.

In the end, you’ve discovered what matters to you. You need a partner who cooks from scratch every time. I love cooking and cook from scratch - my cupboards are bursting with ingredients and inspirational cookbooks. On the other hand, my partner hasn’t got a history of much cooking from scratch but is great at things like simple pastas or using a spice tailor curry mix and then adding protein and vegetables. I’m so grateful for these meals cooked with love for me and they are tasty! He’s utterly brilliant at things I’m not, things that are nothing to do with his desk-based day job, and he never complains that I don’t have skills in mechanics, plumbing etc. Like you, though, I did discover when dating that there were things I couldn’t cope with and ironically one of them is badly used apostrophes. However I know some people just don’t understand the apostrophe rule. So that issue is no problem for me when they’re not my partner. And I think the only thing that is unforgivable is being snobby about our dislikes or putting someone down for their differences. And certainly I think using sex as a reward is a pretty unpleasant trait.

A couple of months is nothing. It’s fine to want to know you are on the same page as somebody before having sex with them. Gives the trash time to take itself out.

The gyoza are supermarket pre-packed and microwaveable. They taste like rubber. In no way are they part of a 3 course home cooked meal.

For not having sex?

Been married over thirty years; husband has never made a home cooked meal. He will do things on toast, bacon sandwiches etc., but never anything like a ‘proper’ dinner. (He makes a great cheese and tomato on toast)! He has absolutely no interest in cooking and it would mean me having to explain to him in very minute detail what to do, how much, how long, which pans to use, what temperature etc. etc.It’s easier for me to do it.
I have never serviced our cars, cleaned out the gutters, added electrical sockets or plumbed in our washing machine, so for us it works; he does what he’s best at doing as do I.

Maybe he’s just not a great cook ? Maybe he was tired ? Long day at work ? My DH made me food on our first date & completely burnt it . He really is a rubbish cook but we have been married over 30 years … so look for other positives . To me that is as other PP said a ‘ home cooked meal ‘ I think you sound like a bit of a princess tbh , however , I think if this is bothering you about him he’s not for you, as there will be other stuff that comes up .

How is using the spice packet recipe mixes co tributing to an “obesity problem”?

I love the spice tailor kits. Really good quality. They are my go-to for making curries.

I can see how it might’ve sounded that way, but it’s not what I meant. She can definitely choose to not have sex for any reason. But a poster said:
“A couple of months together and you don’t want to have sex with him? Why on earth are you wasting your time then?”

And OP replied: “Lol I wasn’t going to reward such a low effort was I?!”

Which makes it sound like OP saw sex as a reward (for home cooked food) and that not having sex was a punishment (for making bad food). I personally don’t think not having sex with someone is a punishment, I was just going by what OP said

This is the kind of meal my ex used to cook for me, when we were 17. It sounds like his heart was in the right place, but if it was me dating a bloke my age (mid-30s) I'd be questioning why his cooking skills are so basic and what other domestic tasks he's never learnt to do.

By DH's standards, that would be a serious effort on his part and I'd be thrilled. By mine, less so.

But for me, a man who can cook as well as I can is NOT a priority so I'd be more than happy with that. If, however, this IS important to you, then sure, dump him. You can dump someone in the early stages for anything. if they love pink shirts and you hate pink shirts. If they use the word "salient" incorrectly. if they once winked at you. It's fine. That's what early dating is about and it's not a judgement on either party.

I don’t think that is what she was saying at all. But it’s fine for her to nor have sex. Choosing not to have sex is never a “punishment”.

What will you do @WeeksJa ?

I kind of think give him the benefit of the doubt if everything else is alright

You call it standards, I call it daddy's little princess.

Poor bugger

It's very low effort I agree but I would not dump him just because of this, I would need to see the rest of his behaviour.

I used to cook delicious home made mediterranean food to a guy I started dating (expensive red wine included), one day he invited me to his place with promise for 'delicious diner' (his words). A deliveroo biker showed up with chicken wings, fries and two cans of coke. I didn't break up with him because he was a good guy and great in the sack but he got demoted to 'friends with benefits' that night. We had different values and it was not going to work. We're still friends to this day (sans the benefits).

Sounds like a perfectly tasty meal to me. Maybe my standards are low because I'd put out for a decent chocolate brownie.

If the meal had taken more effort but been less edible would that have been acceptable? If he doesn't meet your standards, let him go. Do him a favour.

Exactly. Why are people on here so shocked when someone doesn’t have sex date 3 or whatever.

Oh for goodness sake. You're talking to grown women here. We know that no-one should EVER have sex when they don't want to. Of course we know that ffs. It was the OP who mentioned that 'she wasn't going to reward him' that made it a problem statement.

Are you dating or running auditions for Masterchef?
i’m sure that counted as home cooked food as far as he’s concerned, anyway. At least it wasn’t a takeaway!

There’s a difference between “low standards” as you put it, OP, and not giving people an opportunity to learn and grow. Perhaps that meal was comparatively special and high effort compared to what he normally cooks; maybe he actually stepped out of his comfort zone and would be willing to try more in the way of home cooking because it’s something he’s never done before. Frankly your arsey attitude doesn’t really merit someone making an effort for you, because you’re too far up your own backside to recognise when someone is willing to try.

I hope you leave him to it, and go off and find yourself someone who’s equally matched in the sneery superiority stakes

The more I think about this, the sadder I feel, actually.

We all have our own boundaries, and that’s a must. But relationships are all about compromise and give and take and where one person isn’t so great at one thing they probably nail it in another area that their partner doesn’t.

I feel bad for this chap. He tried.

I’m now left wondering what age OP is.