Am I being harsh to finish with my date over his ‘home cooked’ dinner?

[WeeksJa]

I’ve had a few dates with a man over the last couple of months, and he invited me over to his last night for what he promised would be a ‘home cooked’ dinner. He knows I like my food and eat healthily/well.

This is what he served up:

Starter - Gyoza’s from the supermarket
Dinner - Curry; one of those kits where you fry off the spices and add provided sauce etc
Desert - chocolate brownie (supermarket purchased)

It just felt a bit…low effort. Not what I’d describe as ‘home cooked’.

My friends are divided - a couple say to finish it, a couple say to give him the benefit of the doubt, feedback my disappointment and see if he can redeem himself.

Thoughts welcome!

You were given home cooked food. He cooked the food, at home.
You may be telling yourself it's just your 'standards' and want to be 'treated how you deserve' but in reality you are self indulgent and probably aren't half the catch you then you, are acting like this.

Yes just end it.

You are not compatible, it doesn’t matter the reasons why.

It’s quite concerning that you don’t seem to know your own mind.
You are unhappy with him but have had to ask multiple friends and now strangers on MN and still haven’t made up your mind.
You sound quite naive.

Just end it.

Your attitude and the language you have used in your post and replies reek of snobbery and entitlement. Offering sex as a reward? So classless. Saying that 'I have standards' is just an excuse for you to look down upon people and justify your own poor behaviour. The company you keep speaks volumes as your friends seem equally entitled. Maybe reflect on your qualities and try to be a better human.

Poor guy. At least he made an effort to do something nice. I think its him who should running as fast as he can, in the other direction 😅

Surely we all bring different skills to a relationship?

If he’s not really that interested in cooking, I’d say that’s a pretty good effort. That main course requires the chicken/meat to be cooked and the sauce “built” by cooking it all off in stages. The only difference is that everything you need is presented in one kit - ideal for someone who doesn’t have a well-stocked pantry.

I think it’s fairly important that a partner can bang a simple meal together. But that doesn’t need to be particularly complex. I think it sounds like he’s more than capable of cooking when needed. And if this is really important to you, then he might even be willing to learn how to cook completely from scratch. He’s clearly got pretty good rudimentary skills.

I love cooking but DP doesn’t. I usually cook and he cleans. I hate cleaning up so it works well. But he can put a simple meal together for us and/or the kids if I’m knackered, busy, or unwell. And that’s all we need.

I think what you had OP more than qualifies as a home cooked meal - lots of people cook but don’t bake so picking up a dessert is fairly normal I’d say.

I really don’t see how it’s low effort when he’s literally had to stand and cook the curry?? It’s not as if it’s a ready meal.

He doesn’t need to “redeem himself”.

Is he kind? Thoughtful? Considerate? Emotionally available? Sense of humour? Shares your life vision? A good communicator?

^Those things matter from the start. Anyone can learn to cook.

And I’m not even getting into your comment about treating sex as a reward. Hopefully he’s getting advice from him friends on that.

All the OPs post needed was “plate of food” and we’d then definitely know they have delusions of Masterchef

Oh the poor bloke. Let him go!

This!!!

Gyoza’s - the infamous red flag that so many women have ignored in the past only to fall to ruin

Have you been watching those 'feminine energy' videos on YouTube?

If he'd made a huge effort I'd be thinking he was probably a psychopath love bombing me.

You sound like a gross snob and you should do this guy a favour and set him free to find someone less judgemental

👏 👏 👏

Do him a favour and end it. He’ll have dodged a bullet.

Honestly, what ever it is, food, gifts, trips, holidays, tidying etc. it doesn't matter, they can all have vastly different expected levels of effort.

I dated a few people who were "low effort" on the things I cared about.. and I didn't really care. Until I met someone who was matched my effort, and cared about the same things as me. It was shocking how much I had been missing how simple it makes a relationship when you can trust your partner to put a similar amount of effort into what you both care about as you. Married them, and happy ever since.

So yes, if I was young and single, I doubt it would have bothered me.

But now having experienced someone who gives me just as much as I given them, any example of a missmatch of effort on the thing I (and they) care about, would be a deal breaker.

Do you usually use sex as a reward? That’s grim. That wouldn’t even occur to me. Please dump him and give the poor guy the chance to find someone better than you.

To him that was a home cooked meal. It may have been how he was brought up, he may have been lazy, or he may just not have known that your definition was different from his. He didn’t buy a microwave curry box, or chuck a frozen pizza in the oven, or do dish fingers and chips in the air fryer. He made an effort, even if it wasn’t to your taste or standards.

That said, it doesn’t sound as though you’re compatible, and he might be better off with someone who appreciates him more.

I can’t believe this post is real!

I suppose if he believes that's what home cooked is, he's trying, maybe some discussion around next meal. But if he's mansplaining cooking, bigging himself up for being a chef, when he really should know better and expecting proper rounds of applause for ding stuff in microwave then that's more an attitude issue which I wouldn't be happy to sit and listen too.

Perhaps that is his version of home cooking, lots of people would use a jar of dolmio or similar and call it home cooked, maybe he wanted something slightly easier/less time consuming so he could spend more time with you.
Either way this would not be something worth ending things over for me. DH and I both cook, I used something like a 'just cook ' or spicentice the first time he came round as it was just easier.

I reckon in his mind he’s bought food, cooked it for you, making it home cooked food. Maybe your next date if you decide to give him a chance is to teach him how to cook something from scratch.

Oh @WeeksJa your verbiage is insane!

Dont promise a home cooked meal
Are you saying it was cooked somewhere other than his home? Was it cooked in the neighbours shed? Or are you conflating the story and expecting a meal from scratch (which is a totally different scenario). It isn't his fault that grammar isn't your best friend.

feedback my disappointment and see if he can redeem himself.
Again, he didn't do anything wrong so no need to redeem himself.

I'm not going to reward such low effort
Honestly that's fucking vile and you are the ref flag for even thinking this is acceptable 🚩

Calling him a red flag
Absolutely absurd. The fact his cooking skills are lower than you'd like is NOT a red flag and to call it such is nothing short of crass.

It's perfectly fine to end a relationship because you are not compatible. It's 100% right that if you have very different standards and preferences that it's probably better to call it now than trying to manipulate him into the future. Please, end it with him, for his sake. But also don't date people who you think so little of.

Christ. Guy’s dodged a bullet

The meal isn’t an issue. Using the term “home cooked” is.

I hope the OP sets this poor guy free. Hopefully he has standards of his own and knows he deserves better.

It was home cooked…in his home 😜