Am I being harsh to finish with my date over his ‘home cooked’ dinner?

[WeeksJa]

I’ve had a few dates with a man over the last couple of months, and he invited me over to his last night for what he promised would be a ‘home cooked’ dinner. He knows I like my food and eat healthily/well.

This is what he served up:

Starter - Gyoza’s from the supermarket
Dinner - Curry; one of those kits where you fry off the spices and add provided sauce etc
Desert - chocolate brownie (supermarket purchased)

It just felt a bit…low effort. Not what I’d describe as ‘home cooked’.

My friends are divided - a couple say to finish it, a couple say to give him the benefit of the doubt, feedback my disappointment and see if he can redeem himself.

Thoughts welcome!

You call it arrogant. I call it having standards.

Don’t get me wrong - I’m the first person to shake my head at what some women will put up with from men. And having standards which mean that you insist upon being treated with kindness and respect and as an equal partner will always serve you well. But I suspect that I am older than you are - and what I would say is beware the list of “standards” that are just that bit too specific. I have a friend who was very much out of that mould and nobody was ever quite good enough. Not over six feet tall? She had her “standards”. Not dark haired and conventionally handsome? No - the standards ruled him out. Not working in a pretty narrow list of professions? Same. And she’s been single all her life and not through choice, despite being a very attractive and successful accountant. Absolutely - don’t sell yourself short. But make sure that your focus is on what really matters (which, in my opinion - for what it’s worth - isn’t whether someone has bought food from the supermarket).

I mean there are so much more important qualities to actually look for in a partner. Yes, it not meet your definition of 'home cooked' but so what if he is a good person and you get on well. I think too many people see every interaction/relationship as being transactional. No wonder the dating pool is the absolute cesspit it is.

I absolutely love cooking and am generally considered a really good cook. But I don't expect everyone I am friends with to be exactly the same and tbh I am bloody grateful when someone else takes time to cook for me.

Dh isn't exactly a brilliant cook but he makes an effort. My best friend, God love her, is a terrible cook. Both are obviously fab in other ways.

There's absolutely nothing wrong with that menu. I have to be honest, I'm not so into making dessert, so you might well get a shop bought pudding at my house. I also want to spend time with you and not be chained to the stove, so you might not get my most complicated recipes either. None of this signifies that I value my guests any less.

I assume he added meat or veg to the curry kit. Just wow. Wanting to finish with someone because the three courses weren't cooked from scratch

My ex could burn water. He was a twat too - that's why I ended it. Not because of his cooking

What do you mean by this "one of those kits where you fry off the spices and add provided sauce"

I've used Simply Cook who provide the spices. I can't see the difference between that and pulling the spices out of your own cupboard.
But I don't think this is what you mean. Do you mean a supermarket kit?
If so, then yeah...the sauce would def not 'count' as home made.

But I'd still call something a homemade if I used a spice kit and a jarred paste - they are more time-saving measures (and cost if you don't have the ingredients at home by default). I mean like a Thai curry paste, not a jar of Dolmio.

I think if you've made the main course yourself you could still the meal homemade even if your bought the starter and pudding.
I made friends Thai fish curry on Friday. From scratch. I then served a fancy shop bought mousse for pudding. Still homemade IMO.

"My girlfriend came over to mine and I thought about what healthy food she might like and made her a lovely meal. She then told me I hadn't tried hard enough and withheld affection because I hadn't tried hard enough with the three course meal I had made and is now threatening to dump me"

Can you see how your behaviour is positively damaging? I hope your partner can and dumps you.

It's you OP. You're the red flag.

Low effort for some, possibly high effort for him? The man clearly does not know how to cook. His standards may also be very different from yours, if he's never been exposed to anything better outside of restaurants. Is he willing to learn? Joint cooking lessons might be a good date idea.

Being a bad cook isn't in the same league as someone who beats their wife or cheats. It's not a red flag

My DH cooked dinner using a Gousto recipe box. Should I LTB?

Hahaha

Is this a joke?

Good one if so!

(I'm a 'foodie' who loves cooking fwiw)

Ignoring the obvious twattery, it is interesting how people see ‘home cooked’ in different ways. Some as extreme as got to be their own home raised meat and grown veg all the way to someone like me who simply whacks a ready meal in the microbe and opens a bag of salad. I mean it’s made in my home! Lol.

then when you get into what is ‘from scratch’ and what isn’t. A lasagna that’s made with pasta sheets and a dolmion sauce I’d still consider from scratch cos you are still putting it all together. Others may think you’d have to make the Tom sauce yourself, cook fresh pasta and roll it out (Jesus who does that?) and some maybe would consider if the toms we’re store bought or herbs were dried that’s not from scratch.

I mean it’s all bollox really can’t believe I just bothered to write all that

100%. Hopefully this thread is a bit of a wake up call to her.

Friendy reminder to anyone with this kind of attitude: you aren't any more special than anyone else in life, so stop treating everyone you meet as below you.

I agree with this.

My DH ate like garbage when we met but when he cooked for me he made a special effort ... he made one memorable (for the wrong reasons) meal that was almost inedible but he had tried hard.
I also cooked nice things and made an effort. We like trying new recipes and cooking together- it went by the.wayside with kids but now youngest is 2 we are starting again.

Maybe that IS a big effort for him? Maybe he hasn’t a clue about cooking and thought this was quite a big deal?

If you want someone with better cooking skills then ditch him but I don’t think it’s fair to assume this was “low effort”.

It depends. Does he hide all the packaging and claim he made it all himself?!

It was home cooked, it just wasn't from scratch.

Perhaps he didn't want to spend all evening in the kitchen and wanted to spend some time with you?

There was some effort, it's not like he busted out a microwave lasagne, is it? Do him a favour and end it. You sound very difficult to please.

Good luck achieving your high standards!

Get your pans in a row, and check whether your local takeaway does a free 30mins?

He's to redeem himself too? No just dump him and he can find someone who would appreciate the effort.

I assume he paid for it too?

You should end it and let him go because you clearly neither like, respect nor fancy him; all of which are essentials for a successful relationship.

You should focus on finding someone you like and fancy first (otherwise you're just wasting your time and this should be determinable on the first date/meeting) then find out if they are worthy of your respect and go from there.

If you do find someone you really like, respect and fancy you will find that their minor shortcomings and your tick list mentality fade away in comparison to your feelings.

This is quite disturbing....

This is why some people stay single. Sweating over the small stuff. How do you deal with real problems, goodness only knows!

In an adult man who has lived either alone or with others it’s not the same as beating their wife, but not being able to cook is definitely a red flag. Definitely.

I can imagine thinking "oh, I want to focus on the conversation, not the cooking, I'll do something easy."

So if this is your only signal that he's low effort, I wouldnt panic. But you obviously have richer context than the commentors here. Whats the highest effort thing you've done so far?

I find it funny that she considers sex with her a reward