Am I being harsh to finish with my date over his ‘home cooked’ dinner?

[WeeksJa]

I’ve had a few dates with a man over the last couple of months, and he invited me over to his last night for what he promised would be a ‘home cooked’ dinner. He knows I like my food and eat healthily/well.

This is what he served up:

Starter - Gyoza’s from the supermarket
Dinner - Curry; one of those kits where you fry off the spices and add provided sauce etc
Desert - chocolate brownie (supermarket purchased)

It just felt a bit…low effort. Not what I’d describe as ‘home cooked’.

My friends are divided - a couple say to finish it, a couple say to give him the benefit of the doubt, feedback my disappointment and see if he can redeem himself.

Thoughts welcome!

My ex boyfriend's first meal at his place was frozen burgers and oven chips. He said 'sorry it's not great, I didn't have anything else in'. I mean, he knew I was going round, he could have gone to the shop... I stayed for 3 years despite a myriad of (not quite red) flags. My now husband, by contrast, used to come round and slow cook lamb shanks while i was at work and served up with creamy mash and red wine.

Anyway, I digress. The point being, if he's right in other ways then you can overlook this. If you're looking for an excuse to leave him, then you can use this.

🥟🍛🍪🧌
HTH

What do you cook for him?

My husband of over 20 years used to make a dreadful dish with a dolmio carbonara sauce, it was awful and we laugh at it often but I liked him, we were in the first throes of love and I never thought twice about it, just glad we were together. If this is annoying you so much then I doubt he’s the one, in the grand scheme of things, it’s not worth bothering about.

I am always surprised when people from advanced economies buzz off food. It is as if they arrived from a starved desert country and discovered 'eating well' for the first time in their lives. People are too concentrated on food and not in a good way, they are not embarrassed to harp on about food, they can have a whole conversation about food!!!! Years ago some journalist said about us that British people know all about focaccia and nothing about Bocaccio. I hate 'catchy phrases', but he did sum up well the sorry state of affairs.

Maybe that is what he considers home-cooked food? Did he promise it would all be made from scratch?

Fantastic!

Poor bloke. At least he made an effort. I'm a woman who can't cook at all, my partner appreciates having a hot meal put in front of him after a long day at work - even if it was just put in the air fryer.

He deserves better, you sound hard work

Sounds like he meant something at home rather than going out. Perhaps badly worded.

I don't associate home-cooked with warming a couple of things from packets, so would be unimpressed with this meal. I also don't do meal kits, so that wouldn't work long term.

Dumping him though, would depend on the experiences from your other dates; and if he's okay with you telling him you don't fancy packet foods.

If this is a deal breaker for you though, drop him. Ultimately, you're the one who must decide what works for you in a relationship and what doesn't. And it's okay to be 'stuck up'.

Surely sex should be something that you both enjoy and both want to do, not a reward for made-from-scratch Gyozas. It certainly shouldn't be this transactional at this stage in the relationship.

Maybe he dislikes people who stick random apostrophes in plurals. So he wasn't rewarding such low effort.

So he's never done a gourmet cooking course. If that is your criterion for a relationship, you should have made it clear from day 1.

If I was kind enough to go to the effort of inviting someone into my home, and I purchased, prepared and served them a three course meal, and they confronted me about my "lack of effort", I'd finish with them immediately, happy I had learned early doors how ungrateful and rude they were.

I'm also surprised that you see having sex with him as "rewarding him". Don't you enjoy sex yourself? Do you see it as something you trade to men in return for them providing you with things/behaviours you desire?

Someone who thought of sex like that would be a big red flag for me. You do you, of course.

My DH is no good at cooking. It’s just not one of his strong suits. I love cooking and like things my own way so this has never bothered me. When we were first dating (admittedly we were early 20s) he made me pasta with a jar sauce and shop-bought garlic bread. Things of that level. I still appreciated that he was interested in doing this for me. He’d wash up, make me hot drinks, clean and tidy etc. He hasn’t changed. I mean, he’s not Gordon Ramsay but he has loads of skills that, for example, my best friend’s DH who loves to cook, doesn’t have. His personality and his outlook on life, his values, his sense of humour, our chemistry etc are all much more suited to me. If you find it this offputting, I’d say you’re not really that into him.

My late OH was an awful cook and I always said I would rather he didn't try, we managed to stay married for 50+ years! In the evenings I would cook and he would clear up the kitchen, it came as a shock after he died to go into the kitchen and see dirty pots and pans still there!

Don't judge him so harshly yet, what you think is low effort may be all he is confident with or capable of right now, give him some encouragement if you like him otherwise. Perhaps suggest a date where you cook together and see if he's willing to try and learn to do a bit more as you go along. If he doesn't want to try then chuck him back in the sea

Why don’t people communicate these days? What are you going to do, just dump him without any pretext or discussion because you didn’t like his food? That’s going to sound like a ridiculous reason.

What’s wrong with saying you were a little disappointed with the food because you were expecting home cooked and were looking forward to sampling his culinary skills. See what he replies.

If he says he’s not much good at cooking, perhaps suggest you cook dinner together some nights so he can learn? Or let him try and redeem himself (but there is the chance he might just hide the packets 😂

I do understand the posters saying it’s low effort and might get a worse but I don’t think it’s an immediate dumping offence yet. I’d re- evaluate later.

I could not get myself worked up about this. Not least as it is the kind of thing I do myself if I have to cook (senior in the City, don't enjoy cooking).

Even in the early dating days, I would just shove something ready-made in the oven for my boyfriend at the time. And I ended up with the kind of DH/boyfriends I believe dating agencies call "unicorns" (and lovely blokes to boot).

Of course there are exceptions but generally?

I'd wager there is a decent percentage of Mumsnetters who would be happy to serve store bought food with minimum 'cooking' to others, never mind single men!

Date a chef.

If that doesn't meet your expectations and standards finish with him. In my opinion he'll be dodging a bullet.

If you are that shallow that this matters more than anything else then yes finish with him for both your sakes

Do him a favour and finish it with him

What did you cook for him last time he came round for a meal?