To think almost every woman in the world has suffered some form of sexual harassment by age 30?

[Fearlesssloth]

I was having a conversation with a friend the other day. She claims never to have experienced any kind of sexual harassment at all. She’s 37, grew up in the UK, has lived a normal life. I just don’t believe her. Never been groped, never had a sexual remark made to or about her, never felt threatened by a man trying to chat her up, not even a wolf whistle apparently! In her words, “it must be because I’m so ugly”! Still, I find it hard to believe any woman could get to 37 and escape any kind of sexual harassment. So I’m wondering, AIBU? Has anyone on here never experienced any kind of sexual harassment? I’m a similar age to my friend, and I’m lucky in that I haven’t experienced anything really serious, but all the smaller things do add up and give me the rage at men and their sense of entitlement. When I was about 13 and in my school uniform, a man started touching himself on the seat on the train next to me, another man showed me his erection through his trousers on another train, lots of wolf whistles and sexual comments shouted at me while in school uniform (which is just so gross 🤮 ) this was early 2000s. Anyone know if this stuff still happens a lot to school girls? When I was 16 a man I was giving directions to on the street randomly groped my boob. Worst part about it though was that I instinctively slapped him (which got rid of him sharpish) and my friends acted like I was the unreasonable one, ‘why was I acting crazy’, I ‘need to chill out’ etc. which reinforced the idea that women just have to put up with this stuff. Other times I’ve been cornered by men, pinned to the wall, forcibly kissed, had my bum grabbed SO many times, I caught a man filming me once while I was getting changed in what I thought was a private area. What women have to put up with gives me the absolute rage. I just hope that it’s at least better now than it used to be. I wouldn’t really know cos I’m married and rarely in the drunken kind of situations anymore that a lot of these situations occurred in. I haven’t been wolf-whistled at or harassed in the street for a really long time, but that may be because I’m late 30s and it’s all the school girls that are having to put up with it…So tell me about all your experiences of sexual harassment over the years. And if you are that rare person, like my friend whose never been harassed, tell me why you think that is

Wolf whistles and being respectfully chatted up was part of growing up in London in the 60s and no, I didn't see it as sexual harassment. Male attention does seem to be more intimidating these days and I feel sorry that women no longer enjoy the freedom we had.

Mine was after 30 but a man from work told me he fantasized about me doing porn with other men because he thought I was gorgeous.

I never spoke to this freak before, I'm married and had been happily married for over 20 years, which he knew.

I was over 35 years of age at the time.

Told other men at work when it happened, some laughed it off, some said they thought he was gay (my boss) and the women were appalled and asked me if I was okay.

I was okay. I told him at the time that he needed to back off the alcohol and step away and then, afterward, when he tried to apologise at work, I told him to never talk to me again.

He cried in the office during this conversation. I was his superior. It was all weird.

Edited to add: he didn't say this in front of everyone, he literally whispered it in my ear in front of everyone, thinking they were all distracted, I guess

He is gross.

I’d find it hard to believe a woman hasn’t had at least one incident.

I think I’ve led quite a sheltered life (60 years), and yet even I’ve had wolf whistles, teacher touching us up, bosses trying it on, a ‘friend’ climbing into bed with me after a night out, my friend’s one night stand climbing into my bed….

i struggle to believe this too. Too many incidents to list. Now my teen girls are getting the same treatment. Then men whine and ask why women are scared of them!

And no it’s not “wolf whistles and being respectfully chatted up”. It’s obscene graphic comments too disgusting to even type, being flashed at and even wanked at.

That said I realised last week that one of my many grim experiences was quite possibly a serial killer so I’m grateful to be alive frankly.

I don't know that I'd call wolf whistling and catcalling sexual harassment (seems to be a diminishment of the term), but yes, I have also had the odd weird and random grope, comment, and so on.

My first job was in a newsroom sitting next to a lecherous elderly reporter. But frequently groped, sexual comments, being exposed to since mid teens I guess. This was the 80s.

Oh gosh yes a few times. My ex FIL groped me at a party at his house and tried to kiss me. Similar groping incident on holiday by a man from entertainments team at a hotel. Another time, out with friends and I was standing at a bar and a man we’d been chatting to earlier with friends suddenly pulled my hair at the back, pulling my head back. I was literally trapped - I could hear him breathing. Very scary but after a few seconds he let go.

And of course, on every one of these occasions, as a young woman, I stayed silent. Hideous.

Growing up in London in 70s, started around 11 years old...vile. I remember the dustmen shouting down the road at me 'show us your knickers! get 'em off!' I was 13. I told my mum and she laughed (she was always an idiot, though) so I knew I was on my own with it all. Horrible, horrible. I remember men groping in the cinema, a man exposing himself to me when I was on my way to school.. and later, when I was 18 and a barmaid, men thinking it perfectly ok to discuss my appearance and figure TO MY FACE in a way that suggested that I was less than human. Then I remember my daughter, then 14, and I walking along the road together and men catcalling us both. It was vile.

Loads more incidents. And no, I didn't like being whistled at and hustled everywhere I went. I wasn't particularly attractive. Men in 60s and 70s (and I'm sure throughout history) were vile. the only reason some have kind of stopped doing it is because they know it's an arrestable offence now. Many men think that women only exist for them. They don't really see us as people.

I have been fortunate enough not to experience anything very traumatic, but yes, plenty of lower level stuff and 2 incidents that I would class as sexual assault - one in my teens and one in my twenties.

Sadly, I know that my young adult dd has also had some uncomfortable experiences, though again, thankfully nothing too traumatic.

I would love to think that there are women who never experience this, but I think they must be quite unusual.

It blows my mind that it might be the case for someone, certainly. Unwanted touching has been a pretty universal feature on my life since early secondary school. I suppose I'd say I'm a pretty standard girl next door tomboy type who doesn't wear make up, anything remotely provocative or ever look put together. Not to say those things would necessarily make it more likely, but it's certainly not just pretty, slim, 'conventionally attractive to the male gaze' people they target like she's suggesting. Does she give off a 'fuck with me and I'll mess you' vibe or something? I'd love to know her secret!

I think your title is right and I agree, almost every woman. But you’ve said in your OP that you don’t believe her which really isn’t ok.

Now maybe something happened and she hasn’t noticed or been bothered but maybe it never has.

I know a woman who says the same and whilst it’s surprising I don’t think she’s lying.

If any woman grew up in the 80's/90's I would be surprised if they made it to 20 without some form of sexual harassment. I was hoping it had got better for the younger generations.

Also you’re caught either way if you’re deemed attractive to them you get grim sexual stuff if you are deemed not attractive you get cruel mocking semi sexual abuse. Maybe the small minority of women in the middle who are not noticed slip under the radar get away from it?

I’m 62 and I can honestly say I’ve never had what I’d refer to as sexual harassment. I remember walking past building sites and getting wolf whistled at. I worked in offices and yes there was banter (on both sides) but no one took offence. I’m not saying more serious stuff didn’t go on, but it’s not something I’d witnessed.

Sunshine it’s got worse. We have had to go to the police twice for incidents with dd2. Not that anything has been done but we felt we needed to do something.

I'm over 60 and things have changed beyond recognition since I started work in the 80s. Prior to leaving school, the only experience of what is now considered harassment was wolf whistling and it never happened to me when I was in uniform. My memory of the attitude to wolf whistling in those days was that some women liked the attention and some didn't, in general we neither equated it with groping in offensiveness terms nor considered that those who whistled might also grope.

In my first job, there was a major office pest. I was not afraid to resist and give the signal that he could not get away with it with me. Some were, if they confided in their colleagues we'd advise them to stand up for themselves, if they didn't he got away with it.

I went through the rest of my 20s without any other incidents other than seeing a flasher in a bedroom window when I was cycling one day. The attitude to that kind of flasher was amusement/pity.

I'd say by the late 80s and early 90s office pests in well run places if employment were realising they were not going to get away with harassment and would end up reported to HR.

Where I work now, there's not many who would dare to grope even if they thought they could get away with it.

I'm age 62. I was flashed at when I was age 8. Age 14 at school one of my male classmates crept up behind me and pressed his erection into my back then there's the usual "erection section" from the 70s where slow dancing always involved an erection being pressed into you. There's loads more over the years but too much to list. Even at my current (old) age there's still the occasional remark. The older I get the more contempt I feel for the male sex. This has been contributed to by my career as a midwife watching men not step up, calling their pregnant partners fat and other derogatory comments. They are not very impressive as a group.

Believe it or not I am happily married.

Agree with this.

I started reading and thought how lucky I was never having been sexually assaulted or harassed (I'm not counting catcalls which were normal when I was growing up). Shockingly, I then remembered that I've been flashed at very many times. This is a sex crime of course and I should have reported each incident at the time but I didn't reason like that then. I was living elsewhere in Europe and very obviously not local so I wonder if I stood out as a perhaps more vulnerable or somehow more exotic target.
Once I was on a beach and looked up to see a man wanking next to me. Repulsive.
It was all so unpleasant at the time that I've tried hard to bury the memories.

I find it hard to believe too. Just in the last couple of years, I've been sexually harassed by a colleague and by a client, but over my lifetime, there are simply too many incidents to list. I would say I'm neither attractive nor unattractive.

I agree every woman has been sexually harassed.

I do think a lot of women don't think the lower level stuff like Page 3 pin ups in the workplace, wolf whistles and cat calls, pressing against our bodies unnecessarily on public transport or clubs or passing in the corridor, a pat on the bum, comments about our bodies, being flashed at in public or having some bloke find and excuse to hug or kiss you, etc etc etc...

...as real sexual harassment. And therefore "It's not happened to me." They put the bar high up, with a full on grope or whatever.

But it is all sexual harassment. Would they do the same to a young lad? No. It's sexual harassment.

I'm not especially attractive and used to be quite fat. It didn't stop the middle-aged Italian (I was working abroad on university excavations during my first summer as an undergraduate - this man was associated with the dig) who was giving me a lift to the end of dig dinner from stopping the car in the middle of nowhere and sexually assaulting me.

Nothing too serious for me, thank goodness, but certainly lots of low level stuff throughout my teens and twenties, in the 80s and 90s. I got my first wolf whistle when I was still at senior school; also regular remarks about my bum from the age of about 14 onwards (these came from adult men, by the way). I had the assistant manager at my Saturday job rub himself up against me in the store cupboard when I was 16, and had my bum groped in nightclubs by strangers on more than one occasion.

I also find it very hard to believe that your friend has not experienced even one incident of sexual harassment. Maybe she's just been oblivious to it 🤔

I’ve never really had anything - even though I had low self esteem in my late teens and early 20s and was practically begging for male attention. I wasn’t particularly attractive though, and I always had resting bitch face so I think hostility puts men off from even trying their luck.

I’ve always taught my dds not to give men unwitting signals that they may misinterpret such as giggling (lots of women do that out of nerves) and listening politely and patiently to men’s utterances (men think you find them fascinating).

As it is my two very attractive dds do seem very confident and self assured. They only surround themselves and entertain young men who are gentlemen. Anybody pestering or pushy gets blocked and blanked.

Unfortunately I still think they’ve had their share of unwanted male attention whilst out and about. Grimly, one dd said it happened most to her when she was walking to school. One time a man pulled up and told her aggressively to get in the car. She was terrified. Thankfully saved by other pupils. As an adult she has had her fair share of being deliberately brushed passed closely in bars, pestering, being followed etc. She doesn’t put up with it though - she’ll happily speak to bouncers and get men ejected if they get too much.

Not sure about your “unwitting signals”. Every time it’s happened to me or dd we have been minding our own business walking along the street / sitting on a bus 🙄.