To think almost every woman in the world has suffered some form of sexual harassment by age 30?

[Fearlesssloth]

I was having a conversation with a friend the other day. She claims never to have experienced any kind of sexual harassment at all. She’s 37, grew up in the UK, has lived a normal life. I just don’t believe her. Never been groped, never had a sexual remark made to or about her, never felt threatened by a man trying to chat her up, not even a wolf whistle apparently! In her words, “it must be because I’m so ugly”! Still, I find it hard to believe any woman could get to 37 and escape any kind of sexual harassment. So I’m wondering, AIBU? Has anyone on here never experienced any kind of sexual harassment? I’m a similar age to my friend, and I’m lucky in that I haven’t experienced anything really serious, but all the smaller things do add up and give me the rage at men and their sense of entitlement. When I was about 13 and in my school uniform, a man started touching himself on the seat on the train next to me, another man showed me his erection through his trousers on another train, lots of wolf whistles and sexual comments shouted at me while in school uniform (which is just so gross 🤮 ) this was early 2000s. Anyone know if this stuff still happens a lot to school girls? When I was 16 a man I was giving directions to on the street randomly groped my boob. Worst part about it though was that I instinctively slapped him (which got rid of him sharpish) and my friends acted like I was the unreasonable one, ‘why was I acting crazy’, I ‘need to chill out’ etc. which reinforced the idea that women just have to put up with this stuff. Other times I’ve been cornered by men, pinned to the wall, forcibly kissed, had my bum grabbed SO many times, I caught a man filming me once while I was getting changed in what I thought was a private area. What women have to put up with gives me the absolute rage. I just hope that it’s at least better now than it used to be. I wouldn’t really know cos I’m married and rarely in the drunken kind of situations anymore that a lot of these situations occurred in. I haven’t been wolf-whistled at or harassed in the street for a really long time, but that may be because I’m late 30s and it’s all the school girls that are having to put up with it…So tell me about all your experiences of sexual harassment over the years. And if you are that rare person, like my friend whose never been harassed, tell me why you think that is

I’m sorry that happened to you and sorry you had to carry it around for so long without support. I hope you have found your own healing over the years.

I have a theory that all male driving instructors are pervs

Probably not helped by the fact that 70s/80s porno 'storylines' often featured said driving instructors shagging their way through willing and compliant young girls. Up there with bored housewives and visiting tradesmen.

I'm 57.......so many incidents,especially in the 80s/ early 90s... men pushing their erections into your leg in a busy pub...openly squeezing your boobs..Wolf whistling and shouting stuff out of car windows..... I worked behind a bar and the crap I had to put up with was obscene. And was supposed to just laugh it off as it was part of the job....
My daughter is 22 and the shit she's had to put up with is worse.....although she's got a mouth on her so retaliates very quickly!

What a load of shit.

What’s wrong with you? You’re a massive part of the problem if you’re actually a woman.

I don’t think attractiveness is not a factor at all. Yes, some men are just on a power trip but a lot of the time it is a direct result of a woman being very attractive and it wouldn’t have happened if she wasn’t. I used to have a friend who was absolutely stunning, like jaw-droppingly. Both men and women stopped to stare at her. She modelled occasionally and also had ginormous boobs. And my god, going anywhere with her was an absolute nightmare. The comments were relentless, stuff like ‘hello gorgeous’, ‘oh my god, I’d give anything to fuck you’, ‘give us a shot on your tits’, guys following her into shops, trying to start conversations with her, constantly asking for her number. They were honestly like starved dogs who’d just seen a big juicy piece of meat. It was gross and pathetic. But a lot, not all but a lot of those same guys would’ve walked straight past an average looking woman

I had a friend who declared the same. The crucial reason we’re not friends anymore is she dismissed and minimised other women’s experiences as a result of her insistence. It was very much a vibe of “if that counts as sexual assault then I cannot claim to have never been assaulted” and she very strangely started to treat it as part of her personality. It was around the time that “me too” kicked off.

I haven’t. I’m 51. Not overweight or unattractive, but into bodybuilding / weight lifting. Men at gym treat me as one of the gym bros. They compliment me on my muscles or how much I can lift but in the same way that they’d speak to a man.

I work in finance. I’ve had some stupid comments - like when are you having children etc but nothing ever that I felt physically intimately and even the comments could be laughed off (some would describe as harassment but more like colleagues asking when I am having kids etc).

i think it’s because I am very strong (ripped) and I say what I think, so no one would want to risk it? Also I have small breasts and almost always dress in unisex clothes. I don’t think I’m especially unattractive but my hair is in a ponytail I don’t wear make up etc.

the only thing I can think of is some builders wolf whistling at me aged 16 on holiday in Italy? Or in a park and some strange random man was standing on a bridge with his pants around his ankles. But i don’t view these as harassment - maybe my bar is too high.

I'm 34. I can honestly say I've never had any form of sexual harassment. Including cat calling etc. Saying that I accept I'm a minority

Yeah @MeridaBrave your bar is too high.

Why do you think that is?

Yeah if you think someone flashing you is not harassment your bar is definitely too high!

I was going to say I haven’t - I’m 39 - but then all the cat calls came back to me. A lot of “give us a smile love” which quickly morphed into aggression.

The worst was when I was a teenager, in my school uniform, an old man with a stick asked me to help him across the road, tried to grope my breasts as I did so, and then used his walking stick to lift up my skirt as I walked away from him. I was so shocked but mostly embarrassed and ashamed, like I’d done something wrong. Reading some of these I feel lucky that that was the extent of it.

I'm 60 and have never been harassed- never touched and no lewd comments. I had no male attention at all until I met my first boyfriend at 24, who became my husband. I think I often have a grumpy, off-putting face, and am flat chested. I don't think I am ugly but probably come across as unfeminine. I also never went clubbing or partying (lots of friends and parties, but just with people I knew, really).

I suppose on the belief or not. I do believe the OP's friend thinks nothing like this has happened to her but I also believe it's important to call out misogynistic behaviours and harassment when you see it. And some aren't seen because we grew up in a society where it's been normalised.

I've shared this campaign before, it's all about men calling out other men but there's also a page of behaviours to look at:

The Issue / What's the Problem - You're Right, That's Wrong

For the person who claimed men can't do anything nowadays. I'd question anything where a man is behaving in a certain way because the person he's behaving around is a woman.

So would he wolf whistle a male friend? Would he stare at a male friend's genitalia intently? Would he follow a friend who had refused to go out and not take no for an answer? Some of these behaviours seem quite mild but if you switch them in your head, you can soon see that they are not always as innocent as often portrayed.

I would be surprised too if a woman genuinely hadn’t experienced anything - but also pleased for her.

So many things, here’s some of them:

around 10/11 walking to the park with my little sister, an adult man pressed himself up against a window so we could see his dick.

Age 13 I was DJ’ing in my parents pub. I looked younger than my age. An adult man in his late 20’s was chatting me up and kissed me. Of course at the time I was so flattered…

Age 15 I overheard customers describing me as “jailbait”.

Age 15 1 customer told me because I had been horse riding I must have had my first orgasm. He later played a game of pool with me and grabbed my boobs and rubbed his hand between my legs when I bent over to take my shot (I was wearing jeans luckily… his heavily pregnant wife was at home)

Age 17 raped by the above customer

Age 18 had my crotch grabbed in a different pub by someone I worked with

Age 18/19 when I was very drunk a guy I knew took me outside and said to meet him outside Boots at 11:15pm but don’t tell anyone where I was going. I wasn’t THAT drunk.

unsure of exact age but 16-20 ok the way home on the bus from a football match, I was trying to fall asleep. The guy I was sat next to started caressing my thigh.

Age 19/20 my boyfriend raped me

Various unwanted sexual texts etc from male “friends” or husbands of my friends.

Early 30’s - I was alone working behind the bar and the one male customer told me he would beat me, rape me and I would like it. And he meant it. I actually felt more scared of him than I did when I was raped.

My boss at the pub (after my parents left it, new owners) hit on me then kissed me out of sight of anyone. I had thought the flirting was just the usual pub banter.

God knows how many cat calls, sexual comments, inappropriate hugs over the years. Men are arseholes.

When it happened to me it was at work, on the train during the day time, walking down the road during the day, minding my own business chatting to my friends, coming home from school aged 12. I wasn’t wearing a thong and boob tube and in micro skirts at four in the morning (although it still wouldn’t have been my fault anyway).

We need to get away from the idea that it’s something to do with what we were wearing, when we were out late, where we chose to go. It can happen anywhere by any aged men, whatever we’re wearing.

By saying you weren’t out clubbing then you’re introducing the idea that that somehow makes a difference. But it doesn’t. And it suggests that the victim has a potential degree of culpability which mitigates the offence. We should of course be able to wear short skirts and go clubbing and be free from harassment. If we’re groped, SA’d, harassed, assaulted the only person whose fault it is is the person doing the groping, abusing, harassing and assaulting.

BTW I’m not having a go at you, it’s just an important principle that shouldn’t be ignored.

Thank you to those who have sent me 💐

So similar profile. Never went clubbing (have tinnitus so always hated loud music) never wore short skirts or anything low cut. Flat chested.

I am just stating my experience.
I am not blaming anyone for the harassment they have been subjected to!

When I was young, I thought that there was something wrong with me because no man had ever shown any interest in me- I never went on a date or kissed anyone until I was 24. Of course I didn't want to be hassled- was horrified by the idea of that- but I would have liked to have a boyfriend, and was upset that I seemed to not come across as female. There was something very off-putting about me when it came to men.
.
I do think people are more likely to be groped at a club than walking down the street, though both kinds of groping happen, of course.

Yes I am aware my bar is high but for me I think for it to qualify as harassment I would have had to have felt threatened or scared or intimidated - the man in the park had been there for ages - so it wasn’t personal. The work colleagues i could laugh off.

This is veering very close to victim blaming.

I’ve lost count of how many times I was harassed from the age of about 12 to 40’s- flashing, touching, groping. In was constant and much worse when I lived in France and Spain.

I’m 51. I can’t even begin to count or record the amount of horrible things that have happened. By far the most weird is a very recent episode. I won’t detail it because I definitely don’t want any chance of the poor wife whose husband is doing what he’s doing when she was heavily pregnant. I don’t know her thankfully and I hope for her sake someone tells her. The world is a horrible place at times.

I do think people are more likely to be groped at a club than walking down the street, though both kinds of groping happen, of course

What do you base that assertion on?

As I said, it’s exactly the kind of thing I find problematic. In principle as well as your reasoning and my own personal experience.

Ive never been groped in a club or party. It’s always been in the street, on transport or in the office. Almost always in the day time.

I am not saying you are blaming women deliberately. However can you not see that by stating it’s more likely to happen in X place where women are more likely to be drinking, wearing revealing clothing etc. then you’re both leaving the door open to people who hold women responsible for their own assaults/harassment (she shouldn’t have been drunk and no wonder it happened when she was wearing that skirt) and minimising the ubiquity of it.

If it’s never happened to you how can you know where it’s most likely to happen?

If it hasn’t happened to you I’m pleased for you.

I think a lot of people don’t notice it.

The figures for women being the victim of some sort of sexual harassment or assault are disturbingly high (hence the push to retain single sex spaces)

I’m nothing special to look at but I’ve certainly been wolf whistled when younger, I’ve also had men grope me in pubs, make comments about my breasts, had a man try and force his way into my hotel room at a conference because he was under the mistaken impression I wanted to sleep with him, had a family friend try and snog me when I was 14. That’s just me!