Stick your fundraiser - the hardest test will be leaving my children for so long

[LifeIsAMeatball]

I’m yet again avoiding a community fundraiser for a man’s ego. He’s cycling Africa with some friends. It’ll be tough but the hardest bit “will be not seeing his kids for three or four months.”

Give me strength. I’ve already had to endure years of the group of school dads who spent every summer on the lads “fundraising trips” - Lands End to John O’Groats, London to Paris, Africa (yeah, it’s been done already), cross Europe, some of Europe that’s a bit vague but conveniently ends in Ibiza during party season.

I’m assertive enough to say no but these things get the whole community behind them. You can’t go to the pub, shop, hairdressers or even the bloody dog groomers without someone rattling a tin for the local hero.

Meanwhile, there’s yet another woman at home about to solo parent with no plaudits - and would she even dare to argue her lot given the whole community thinks he is amazing?

This particular fine specimen enjoys free drinks at the pub to celebrate him before he leaves in 3 weeks. His wife is at home with a four week old, a 3 year old with additional needs and a six year old.

Yes, it’s all her fault. Silly woman. 🤦🏻‍♀️

His employers might be getting some good publicity and social capital out of it. That’s what social value actually means I think.

I get annoyed when people say they’re doing a charity skydive. No! You’re going skydiving and want it funded. If it’s genuinely for charity, just donate the money.

Exactly this!!

How is she supposed to stop him? He’s an adult. Of course she could divorce him but that’s not that easy and is unlikely to benefit the children, financially at least.

And to pretend she gets some reflected glory… No one is going to be patting her on the back. That’s just not how it works.

Of course we’re all judging by our own experiences but most of our experiences seem to show that women by and large are not taking three months off from the children for a vanity charity event. And if they did they wouldn’t be praised they’d be judged.

Tbf I did one for my best friend who had a Brian tumour for her medical costs and was genuinely TERRIFIED. It wasn't on my bucket list at all but raised so much more because of this than if I'd just done a just giving.

Another friend did it with me and said it had always been her dream to do one AND accepted the money from my Dfriend when she very kindly but pointlessly transfered us both the money to cover the dive. I transferred it straight back telling her she was a twat, that's dipping into the money you need you maniac 😂

She died in 2024 but I'll never forget her other 'friend' doing that.

Jesus. If a woman with a tiny baby, 3yo with SEN and 6yo decided to do this, well first she'd be publicly lambasted as a selfish cow, and the father left behind to hold the fort would have a string of people offering to help him, delivering casseroles to his door, nominating him for parenting awards etc.

Well tbh, she needs to take at least 50% responsibility. Him: ‘Sweetheart, can I go on a three month jaunt abroad?’ Her ‘No. Stop being a twat - of course you can’t opt out of parenting and partnering for three months. What makes you think that’s acceptable?!’ All sorted….

Because marriage is a partnership, with respect and consideration on both sides. She shouldn’t have to resort to stopping him. Presumably she knew his character when she married him. He’s not suddenly turned into a self centred arse. If she married him knowing who he is, then I’m afraid that’s who she has accepted.

It is actually quite conceivable that he told her he was going and ignored any protestations. I'm not saying that's what happened, it's one of a range of possibilities, but that does mean nobody should be assuming she was fine with it. You can't actually force your spouse not to do something. The leverage is to decide whether you want to stay in the relationship or not.

Also worth pointing out that she could've okayed it and been genuinely correct that his presence wasn't going to make much difference, or worse. Maybe she's glad he's going. Which wouldn't say anything good about him!

This sounds like a whole new scam.

My brother got a new job in the north just after his wife had gone back to work after their second. I finally lost it with my parents the 80th time I heard how amazing he was: getting up early to drive there on a Monday morning… Staying in a hotel all week… Driving home on a Thursday after work… Negotiating so he would WFH on a Friday. His (safeguarding lead in a primary/deputy headteacher) wife did her FT job with a 9mo and a 3yo. But yeah. He is a hero.

What a knob

It really annoys me as well. So he's just pissing around cycling raising money and/or "helping" out there. Neither of which help anyone.

These kids that fund raise to go somewhere to help villagers annoy me as well. It doesn't help.

Like a poster up thread said, just send money.

You really think he asked her?? Strewth.

You also don't seem to understand that once a woman is "trapped" sometimes, just sometimes, men change their behaviour from the lovely person they were once beforehand. It is a known thing.

I agree with you OP, but it's not just the 3-4 months for the trip it will be the endless practice rides daily to ensure he has the stamina to complete the trip. Selfish bastard.

I've signed up to the London Legal Walk next month. I'm fully prepared to donate to it myself rather than asking people to donate as it's about raising awareness for a cause but also, frankly, sounds like a fun evening.

Social value leave! Now I’ve heard it all!
Every time I hear of a man fundraising to get his jolly paid for, I think of the wife keeping everything going at home. She is the one who is the hero in this situation.
I love to ask the man who is looking after his children while he’s away.

For anyone who might think I’m jealous, I take a lot of time away for myself doing endurance events, but I’m certainly not cheeky enough to ask other people to pay for them.

There is a group of dads at our school who do cycling events to apparently raise money. It’s a very exclusive group though, it’s invitation only, and no women allowed. So just a group of mates going on bike rides.

Of course he must have asked her. They have a four week old. Cant imagine even the worst arsehole man amongst us wouldnt have asked in this situation. They have a newborn, presumably the question arose during the pregnancy.

I would imagine the women are quite relieved not to be invited 😉

Recognising patterns in men's behaviour is fundamental in bringing women out from under their boot.

I'm not sure about the general sneering about fundraising. People saying 'just donate the money' are missing the point a bit - I know a girl who for example done a particular event to raise money for the illness that her mum died from. She donated more money than she could have by just taking £20 out her wages. It meant a lot to her. Nobody was obligated to donate. Some people like to challenge themselves and yes it can be their hobby, but generally the more difficult or challenging, the more you can raise. I'm all for it.

That's very different from a man just taking off and leaving his wife to manage multiple children for months on end.

Are you a man who left lone wife and small children at home while going on a sponsored jolly? No? then what the feck any of this has to do with the OP??

The only thing that is annoying about you is the total inability to read/ comprehend what is written.

I can well imagine a fair bit of manipulation in those situations whether she's happy with it or not. Men like this generally want the plaudits above everything else.

“He’s not suddenly turned into a self centred arse. If she married him knowing who he is, then I’m afraid that’s who she has accepted.”

This is obviously not true of the majority of men, but it is well known that abuse often begins during pregnancy. Abusive men do suddenly change.

Think about it, you’d HAVE to start off being nice - otherwise the majority of people wouldn’t have a bar of you. You have to get them hooked first.

Um, they and quite a few of their 'mates' exist on here solely to goad women... sad, so sad...