Stick your fundraiser - the hardest test will be leaving my children for so long

[LifeIsAMeatball]

I’m yet again avoiding a community fundraiser for a man’s ego. He’s cycling Africa with some friends. It’ll be tough but the hardest bit “will be not seeing his kids for three or four months.”

Give me strength. I’ve already had to endure years of the group of school dads who spent every summer on the lads “fundraising trips” - Lands End to John O’Groats, London to Paris, Africa (yeah, it’s been done already), cross Europe, some of Europe that’s a bit vague but conveniently ends in Ibiza during party season.

I’m assertive enough to say no but these things get the whole community behind them. You can’t go to the pub, shop, hairdressers or even the bloody dog groomers without someone rattling a tin for the local hero.

Meanwhile, there’s yet another woman at home about to solo parent with no plaudits - and would she even dare to argue her lot given the whole community thinks he is amazing?

This particular fine specimen enjoys free drinks at the pub to celebrate him before he leaves in 3 weeks. His wife is at home with a four week old, a 3 year old with additional needs and a six year old.

LOL 🤣 I clearly had a food shop on my mind.

We have one locally, about to take off on some long bike ride in Europe - I don’t think he’s been asking for money though. Dh however was banging on about what a great thing it is - for this man to indulge what is clearly a favourite hobby!

’I dare say his wife (two young children) is over the moon about being left with the kids, too,’ was my sole comment - since when dh has kept quiet about it.

Why is it still a deal I’m trying to raise money for a charity?

I always think that is a fucking cheeky

Dont know he could be diagnosed with an illness or uncertain future. Who knows thing is I am always happy for people to do what they want. Of Course if his wife isn't happy Im sure he is going to find out either way. none of our business. If she had come here and got upset that would be different I would support her thought process and try and get her to talk to her husband and find a solution

I feel like if a mum did this (leaving kids for 3-4 months for a fundraiser) they would be judged so harshly - including “the community”. It would be talked about for ages.

But men seem to manage it and are actually celebrated for it.

He’ll be leaving an 8 week old baby for 3/4 months as well as a 3 year old with additional needs and a 6 year old. What a prince. Surely the mum will be spread very thin. Poor her, and poor kids. Esp the oldest who in this scenario you’d assume would have to have less attention.

I agree.

I don’t understand why she’s letting him go and why he thinks it’s ok to.

I hope his wife takes out agood life insurance policy on him before he leaves.

I also agree it is the height of selfishness to leave his wife at home alone with three young kids.

If I was diagnosed with a terminal illness, I'd be wanting to spend more time with my children, not less.

Surely this is some sort of joke? Most employers offer a couple of DAYS for this kind of thing, not months

He's a tosser of course, but you have to hand it to him: he's got the community paying while hailing him a hero, his employer giving up his services and his wife shouldering all the burden, and all this for some lads' jolly

Takes some rare persuasion skills, that ... or a bunch of complete saps

Maybe the wife is afraid that if she puts her foot down about this Africa jolly he’ll sulk and grumble and eventually bugger off anyway (permanently) on the basis that he’s “stressed, depressed” and things “aren’t how they used to be”.

She might’ve decided that agreeing to this fundraising nonsense is the lesser of two evils.

Maybe there is more to the story.

Trying to raise money for charity? What a load of tosh. It’s a bloke clearing off from his wife and kids and doing something he loves.

Sponsoring people for this sort of thing is becoming a joke.

Totally with you OP.

i have a relative who is a keen cyclist, and he raised over £3000 for a local charity by doing an insanely difficult cycling challenge that he devised himself.

The difference was, it was done in the hills around a 30 mile radius of where he lives in the UK, and started at his back gate. it was completed over one day and all his kids are adults. All money raised went to the charity - he supplied all his own kit and food and some of us took time out to meet him at different points to do food and water drops.

you can use your hobby to raise money for a good cause without being a selfish prick and leaving your wife with three kids including a newborn.

Maybe he’s a useless dick at home and she’ll have an easier three months without him!

I’d like to think I’d be supportive of my DH doing things for charity but I’d be really pissed off with the timing. Even if it had been planned for a year and it was an unexpected pregnancy, I’d expect him to change dates tbh!

I wonder how much of the fundraising actually funds the trip, and whether they’d still do it even if they raised £10. (I originally thought you meant he was raising money to actually do the trip). I thought charity trips were supposed to involve some challenge or hardship, Ibiza in party season doesn’t sound too challenging to me

I love a quick retort like that to a sponsorship request. When asked to sponsor a colleague to do the Race for Life, I overheard the reply of “Why on earth would I pay you to walk a shorter distance than I walk to and from work every day?”, said with utter disdain. (Said colleague was definitely not intending to run any part of the ‘race’.)

I do hope this man realises how crap and even non-existent African roads can be and that they will exact quite a toll on his bike.

Maybe present him with a puncture repair kit or two and send him on his way.

I would love to see what would happen if the wife of this man suggested doing the same thing. Guarantee everyone would be saying how can she leave her young kids for that long and everyone would be offering endless support to the husband.

Re Tim Peake - that was his job, and im sure Mrs Peake and the children would have been looked after.
Alison Hargreaves - makes me rage. She chose her hobby over her children.

Why are people so keen to pretend the double standard women have to live up to doesn’t exist?

It’s there for anyone to see, check the SM comments of any woman who leaves their kids for a period of time, service personnel, mountaineers, astronauts, and you’ll see that double standard. In fact, just put “female astronaut” into google and see what the suggested searches are. Almost all of them involve children.

You don’t even have to look any further than MN. Any post by a woman suggesting she has a few days away from her children will see judgy comments about how “I could never leave my children for that long” despite the fact they are left with their father. You would absolutely never see that on a post by men talking about leaving their children. Great for her that your friend has done this. Great that her close friends have not expressed outrage. Hugely naive to think that at least two or three of her neighbours, friends, family etc haven’t kept a thought to themselves about “her poor kids”

Tbh, you’re treated how you allow yourself to be treated. Clearly his DW has given him the green light, or it wouldn’t be possible. Maybe she likes to be part of all the back slapping her dh gets, which also includes her by association. Maybe she doesn’t need anyone’s sympathy, nor does she want it. Who knows….

Friends husband was doing some mountain climb abroad years ago for a charity. He had to cough up £3k to be allowed to go expenses, accommodation.

It's scamming IMO.

I know. Men are so often raised to hero status.

My husband was regularly away for weeks working abroad (staying in nice 5 star hotels and business class flights etc) including for weekends leaving me to do all the childcare even when I was ill. I was away one weekend leaving him alone with the kids. A couple we knew actually invited him round for Sunday lunch to ‘give him a break’ when they had NEVER invited me.

The double standards are infuriating.

And yes OP we shouldn’t be funding middle aged men’s hobbies out of our family budgets, especially those leaving their wives and kids to just get on with it. Let alone treating them as conquering heroes.

We have one locally - ex athlete. He says he's an inspiration!🤣
Every sentence starts with, 'I'. He ran 100 marathons last year all over the world but has 2 children with complex special needs that he leaves for weeks at a time. He was bitching that he hadn't been given a lifetime recognition award a few months back. The local community fawn round him, yet he's the most selfish man I know!