Stick your fundraiser - the hardest test will be leaving my children for so long

[LifeIsAMeatball]

I’m yet again avoiding a community fundraiser for a man’s ego. He’s cycling Africa with some friends. It’ll be tough but the hardest bit “will be not seeing his kids for three or four months.”

Give me strength. I’ve already had to endure years of the group of school dads who spent every summer on the lads “fundraising trips” - Lands End to John O’Groats, London to Paris, Africa (yeah, it’s been done already), cross Europe, some of Europe that’s a bit vague but conveniently ends in Ibiza during party season.

I’m assertive enough to say no but these things get the whole community behind them. You can’t go to the pub, shop, hairdressers or even the bloody dog groomers without someone rattling a tin for the local hero.

Meanwhile, there’s yet another woman at home about to solo parent with no plaudits - and would she even dare to argue her lot given the whole community thinks he is amazing?

This particular fine specimen enjoys free drinks at the pub to celebrate him before he leaves in 3 weeks. His wife is at home with a four week old, a 3 year old with additional needs and a six year old.

Why are you interpreting me being irked as outrage? What’s making you so invested in my online post?

Slightly horrified by the ages - and needs- of the children and the amount of time he'll be gone.

200 people donated, 100 of those paid for the flights, vaseline and kendal mint cake.

Whatever OPs reason, it surely has made me think twice about supporting events that take months to complete. I will now think about who they are leaving the daily grind to whilst they’re off on a jolly good holiday, before donating!

Well done @LifeIsAMeatball for making me aware.

You won’t be the only one who thinks he is an insufferable, selfish twat.

“What special skills do you think you have that the locals need and don’t have access to already?” These people simply want the glory and social recognition of their wonderful deeds! Far from altruistic.

I went on two trips in my teens to deprived parts of the Caribbean. We paid for the work being done (fundraising through offering of services, cake sales, social nights, not just crowdfunding) which was predominantly completed by locals. We supported this but actually they were teaching us. They could have achieved the same results faster without us there being inept. I realise this now as an adult with brain capacity to see beyond my own privilege.

Top to bottom of Africa rather than around it and a much loved and in fairness, very deserving local charity will benefit

Any time wr watch those documentaries about free climbers, or mountaineers summitting Everest for the 15th time, or sailors traversing the Atlantic in a row boat, I start muttering to DH about how selfish these people are leaving their spouses behind, potentially leaving their children to face bereavement, all in the selfish pursuit of their own fulfilment or whatever. It’s a strategic move on my part.

That said, I’m now pushing DH to do one such endeavour between jobs because we’re through the tough times with D.C. and he’s been sitting in an office non-stop for nearly 30 years. He’s saying he can’t go because “what if they [dc] need me” 🙄. Wish I could go!

Its all the "being irked on someone else's behalf"
How do you know his wife didnt encourage him to do it. Has she confirmed she is irked/not irked about it?

OP is allowed to feel how she feels without understanding how the wife feels.

And I agree with her.

I agree @LifeIsAMeatball what bloody twats. So much ego. It would be so satisfying if the community sponsored the women facilitating the men's holiday instead.

I think the same when I see men out cycling, or playing golf, or at the pub in the middle of the day... I always imagine the wife running around getting the food shop in and cooking and doing the washing and sorting the kids while he's having a whale of a time.
I very rarely see women out in the same sort of way.

Is he Julia's husband from Motherland?

No. I am irked by the regular pressure to donate and also for his wife (it’s really by the by that I know her and it seems to be a repeat of similar I heard 10 years ago with another set of dads).

What’s your skin in the game here? What’s motivating you to post? Are you particularly passionate about big cycles across Africa or just a deliberately tedious contrary Mumsnet poster?

I’m with you on this OP. We need to start calling it what is, Glory Seeking. Am sick to the back teeth of it.

Oh and relinquishing of responsibilities - as well as the glory seeking.

I get annoyed by school kids raising funds to go and help in some far flung place, this is a glorified holiday, I refuse to contribute. If they felt that strongly, then send the few thousand pounds it costs to the charity, rather than send teenagers to piss around and take photos for their social media.

She should be putting her foot down with him! If he cared that much about not spending time with his kids he wouldnt be doing it.
Sounds like one of those immature blokes who wants the perks of parenting without all the hardwork, and still expects to have the same freedom as before having kids.Men like that need firm boundaries from partners!

I'm invested too ...as it clearly relies on a default parent and surprise surprise it's the mother...beginning to see how our society is structured to the disadvantage of women???

Seriously has noone on MN heard the phrase "the personal is political"?

My DH went with three colleagues to walk Hadrian’s wall to raise money for a charity for a disease affecting a couple co workers. They raised over £65k. They did it in four DAYS. Taking months is ridiculous and self indulgent.

Mine would be an ex partner.

I don’t think I’d go that far…

If his wife is "looking forward to a break" from DH despite having a newborn then he's even more fucking useless than OP already made him sound, which is very useless indeed.

I work in Local Government and we're allowed to take up to 6 months unpaid leave after we've been there for 7 years. Some people use it to go travelling etc. I've never taken it because we can't afford to lose my income.

This man sounds incredibly selfish. He's leaving his poor wife to effectively be a single parent, and presumably it's costing a fortune in lost income. If I was the wife it would be a hard no.

Yes, I’ve often wondered why I should pay for someone taking a hobby holiday. I’m happy to donate to a good cause, but if I’m sponsoring someone to do something I’d rather it was something useful like litter picking or bulb planting.

Just not something fake-useful like teenagers building a community hall in Africa. Which of course takes work away from locals who need the wages, and will either be useless or have to be rebuilt by actual builders.

It is other people's business because they're being told to donate money to this "worthy cause".

Which in real life, as you seem to understand, is just a private holiday.

Strong agree from me OP. Fair enough if his kids were teenagers, although I still wouldn't be sponsoring him.

But to piss off for 4 months on a lads holiday leaving 3 young children at home, insane.

Oh and not to forget he's probably been off "training" every weekend for months in preparation. His wife decides to say something - but what about all the people that donated money darling, I can't let them down (but yes, it's absolutely fine for me to abscond of all parental responsibilities and continually let you down).