Stick your fundraiser - the hardest test will be leaving my children for so long

[LifeIsAMeatball]

I’m yet again avoiding a community fundraiser for a man’s ego. He’s cycling Africa with some friends. It’ll be tough but the hardest bit “will be not seeing his kids for three or four months.”

Give me strength. I’ve already had to endure years of the group of school dads who spent every summer on the lads “fundraising trips” - Lands End to John O’Groats, London to Paris, Africa (yeah, it’s been done already), cross Europe, some of Europe that’s a bit vague but conveniently ends in Ibiza during party season.

I’m assertive enough to say no but these things get the whole community behind them. You can’t go to the pub, shop, hairdressers or even the bloody dog groomers without someone rattling a tin for the local hero.

Meanwhile, there’s yet another woman at home about to solo parent with no plaudits - and would she even dare to argue her lot given the whole community thinks he is amazing?

This particular fine specimen enjoys free drinks at the pub to celebrate him before he leaves in 3 weeks. His wife is at home with a four week old, a 3 year old with additional needs and a six year old.

Can you imagine if a mum did that? There’d probably be a fundraiser for the poor bloke left to look after the kids while she’d be treated like a pariah.

A male friend of mine was always doing ultramarathons, while his wife did all the parenting of their three children. She divorced him. He was absolutely heartbroken.

Fair enough, the poor woman was tricked into having the 6 year old, how did the other two children come to be? My vagina clamps shut in the presence of selfish wankers, especially anyone fundraising holidays away from their kids.

The wife has been put on a guilt trip - she's not freely able to complain because he's doing it for charity and is a local hero...

The local charity would be a lot better off if he donated his pay for the 3-4 months -he can afford to give it up (instead of having unpaid leave)! But that would be a lot less fun for him and he wouldn't get all the adulation (unless he shouted about it, which he probably would!)

OP has already said they have done several of these trips before, including one across Africa.

Even if it was his lifetime ambition, why does it have to happen when he has a newborn child and not a couple of years later?

The acid test for if I'll give money is how much goes to the charity, if you raise £5K but only £2K goes to the cause then you've got no chance. If you want to be a hero then do something at home that improves your area, lots of people will give money for that without leaving your wive and children

If i had proof or a relationship close enough to believe someone who said that I may feel different and contribute.

I am prepared to donate to the charity of someones choice for completing something. I am not prepared to fund their adventure. I dont like the idea of someone pursuing a passion or adventure and getting to do it cheap by dressing it up as charitable is all.

This reminds me of one of the wisest sayings I've ever come across (and actually remember word for word). It's a hard bit of medicine, but might come in handy in your situation, if you haven't heard it before:

'There is no virtue in charity.'

This changes things for me. How much do they raise for this charity? Is is the same charity they raise for with each event; is this charity reliant on these big events for fundraising and income? If so, I’d be donating and cheering them on. I’m sure the partners make plans for their absence well in advance.

It annoys me when celebs go off and do things like run 7 marathons in 7 days without acknowledging that they have infinite resources to support it, so YANBU.

Surely it's everyone's business if they're being asked to donate to and fund this?

The question was asked about whether Forces children forget their parents... yes my toddler did forget her father.
She also forgot she had forgotten him within a few weeks of him getting back.

Those blaming the wife for "not putting her foot down"... of she did she would be called controlling etc. You see it all the time ln here women being called out for "not allowing" their partner to play football, or take up running etc.

As for charity events like this.. why dont people just give money to the charity if fhey consider the charity worthy?

Eh?

I’m assuming he’s always been like this but she decided it was a good idea to have 3 kids with him so there’s that.

So true, one friend arranges her life around dh completing 4 or 5 day competitions. Often he's away for the same amount of time volunteering to secure his place in the next race. She works full time, 3 young kids. Another friends husband took up cycling when their second was born. He started commuting to work which added 45 mins to each commute. When she complained about not having support in the evenings he lectured her on how much petrol money he was saving. They're both doctors. Im fairly certain the cost of getting to work was never a huge concern for them. He now fills his weekends training for iron man competitions while she drives the kids to their various clubs.

I'm increasingly convinced that men aren't real. An awful lot of them seem to be a kind of ego led cardboard cutout, who performatively exist, shunning responsibilities and actual needs of their families in order to look good and artificially inflate their "selfless credibility".

All I get is cognitive dissonance though. They are actually in suspended development, leeching off the actual female adults who pick up the pieces.

And insulting and making presumptions about the locals when they prance off to fit a roundabout for a play park in Azerbaijan, or weave ropes to create pathways for crossing gorges in the mountains of Tibet, or to otherwise prove their manly usefulness by inserting it roughly into places they don't understand like some weird ominous reverse colonialist white knighting (showboating their "skills" that they can find literally zero applications for in their own world.)

I get you, op. It should be lovely! Helpful! Thoughtful! But it's actually very often weird and hollow and exploitative.

I totally agree, I’m not paying for you to enjoy yourself!

I have an issue with people raising awareness/funds for dementia charities with time consuming activities, because their parent has dementia.

My Mum has dementia. What actually makes the difference to her is the time I spend with her. The people doing all the fundraising/awareness raising are detracting from the remaining precious time.

I can see the appeal of running off and spending time doing something else, but that doesn't benefit my Mum. There will be plenty of time for raising money for charity when she's gone.

Although I do have an issue with some dementia charities, but that's another thread...

This.
You see features on the likes of breakfast news about people of are venturing on months’ long fundraising expeditions around the world. They basically must be using the fundraising/sponsorship to pay their salary instead of working. So essentially they have found a way to get paid for doing their hobby!

Magically these holiday hobbys only start when children coming. Sadly my brother is like this, years ago he cycled the Fisherman's Trail in Portugal (although at least he didnt do the charity spin) leaving my SIL lumbered with three young children. He was never interested in cycling growing up/as a young adult.

Am NC with him now as he is a prized twat, but he's still married as his wife refuses to divorce him based on her Catholic faith.

I have an issue with being bombarded by sickly sweet ads from Alzheimer’s Society but that is a different subject.

Bet there's no newborn involved. This isn't just a lengthy trip, it's a lengthy trip at a particular stress point.

No you're grand. I'd happily donate to this. As others have said it's the ones who aren't transparent about whether the donations are to cover their costs before any money is passed on to the named charity that get me.

😂

I think it means being charitable doesn't make you virtuous, because if you can do it (for someone in need) you should do it without expectation of things like admiration or sainthood. In OP's case, she could hurl it at her DH to take the wind out of his self-satisfied sails!

But it was in a book of spiritual teachings so yeh, sounds a bit obscure 😬

Round here there are multiple middle-class teens fundraising for guides/scouts trips abroad. Trying to raise thousands of pounds to go to India or Korea by doing cake sales and accosting people at school events with raffle tickets. These kids are, without exception, from very well off families.

Just fund your own holidays and leave me out of it.