AIBU to think their no-touching rule for the baby is OTT?

[Pretfeen]

Some relatives recently had a baby. They are quite a young couple in mid 20s and have set a rule that no one is allowed to hold or touch baby until he's at least 12 weeks old, not even grandparents. Before 4 weeks no one could visit. Now visits are permitted but only to look at baby, no touching.

For background baby is healthy, born full term so no issues like that.

AiBU to think this is a bit OTT and precious? Obviously it shouldn't be pass the parcel with a newborn, no kisses, wash hands, stay away if sick etc but I've never seen this level of protection before.

Obviously it's their baby, their rules and I'm not going to break them. I'll visit in a few weeks and keep my distance.

Is this a Gen Z thing? Or are they a bit extreme? I was never this way with my DC nor were any friends and relatives in my age group. We'd usually visit a week or two after and hold baby after washing hands. Maybe I'm just a bit blasé about these, I'm sure there will be plenty of sanctimonious parents in here who'll tell me AIBU

Because it's cruel to grandparents who've been excited for 9 months to see their first grandchild to them they have to wait three months see it! Are these parents going to barricade themselves in the house for three months and not leave the house at all? Dad not going to work? Are they literally not going to step over the threshold of the door for three months and let no one in? Otherwise why be so nasty to the grandparents?

I'd be concerned that this level of protectiveness means that the baby's immune system will be adversely affected. It's vital that our bodies learn to recognise and fight germs from an early age, developing a healthy and diverse microbiome. (Different for little prems who should still be in the womb, of course, or sick children whose bodies are already fighting off infection/inflammation).

Out of curiosity; why have so many PP jumped to this assumption?

Problem is many new parents discover that family can’t be trusted to only turn up healthy and well, so have to put blanket rules out.

There was a lady on here the other day whose MIL kissed the baby with a cold sore, despite repeated reminders not to.

My SIL keeps telling me how excited my niece is to come and visit my baby when they arrive in the hospital, despite her being full of infant school germs- as a family until they haven’t had a fortnight clear of sickness since Christmas, and I am dreading having to say no to them.

my father has had a cough for the last two months (possibly smoking related, but no diagnosis so could be something from my niece that he hasn’t been able to shake) and my parents are saying they will come and stay with us to help out once baby is here…they live 10 minutes away and haven’t helped me ever pre-baby.

You’re right immune systems need to develop, but the first stage of that is the creation of a healthy microbiome through skin to skin contact with other HEALTHY people. Not an introduction to Typhoid Mary. The problem is, as soon as shiny new baby is in the mix some people can’t be trusted to make the right call or be honest, so the parents have to be brutally strict.

If your family can’t be trusted, great. But many of us have experience of family that is entitled or has form for ignoring boundaries

I think it comes from some of the recent grandparents refusing to help out with young kids threads and how it shouldn’t then impact on access. There has been a lot on highly transactional relationships and if you want X you must do Y.

As with many things now, all completely over the top. 🙄

No idea.

We were told in pfb pg no babysitting or childcare - DH was taken back with babysitting bit but they kept to it and we've managed.

Due to some dangerous incidents with pfb as a baby it was around 5 before IL had her again without us around. They have a good bond and now she an adult she is still close to them and chooses to spend time with them herself as do the other two.

Two out of three of mine - eldest and youngest were velcro babies - ADHD found in one - and it was exhausting for me - I'd have happily handed them over but it caused huge distress till they were much older. Family were really nasty about it - all now forgoten by them.

Not holding without screaming till older and not doing babysitting or childcare hasn't meant a lack of interest or lack of bond with IL- there no difference between child we could hand over and two we couldn't. One we could hand over FIL was harder with till fairly recently.

My own family had less and less interest older they got anyway. Interesting though their favoured GC who my parents basically did childcare for and had over lots hasn't been near in recent years - despite serious illness and Dad death- doesn't seem interested at all and I wouldn't say now she an adult she is at all close with my remaining parent.

My sister in law did this too. I respected it because she was the one who just gave birth, IMO what I think about holding newborns etc. doesn't matter 🤷🏼‍♀️ I visited to see her, my new niece and my brother.
Years later I am very close with my brother and SIL despite the fact they do have some strange "preferences" (rules) and am clearly the favourite aunt to their kids. Other relatives who either voiced disagreement, visited but were clearly unhappy, or didn't visit until later on were at arms length from then on.

My experience is that my bond with the babies wasn't affected in the slightest - they don't remember who held them at 2 weeks old but they remember their parents always being comfortable enough to invite me to stay often - but my relationship with the baby's parents would have been damaged if I hadn't respected them.

Personally I think it's a bit extreme, it's not something I did. However, it's not new - a couple we are friendly with had a child 17 years ago and did this. If someone put these rules in I'd respect them, I'd just go along with it - it's their baby after all and they have to feel comfortable. I wouldn't feel aggrieved, it's got to be up to them. They may also worry about germs/infection generally and therefore be concerned about their baby.

They clearly have some worries and they are adjusting to being parents. Just let them get their baby to 12 weeks, let them adjust and be supportive rather than judgemental.

People don’t need to cuddle the baby. I think that the sanity and secureness of the new family is the most important factor here.

And my kids are adults so I’m not projecting any of my own feelings here.

Come back to this when one of your adult children gives birth to your first grandchild!

But yes, no-one on here, even the OP, is suggesting that she should defy their rule, however nuts it is. But theirs really isn't a wise decision.

The best thing to do is for no-one to visit until the child's 21st birthday.

I certainly wouldn't be calling until a year has passed and don't give any gifts. If the baby catches a sniffle, you can bet your bottom dollar that there will be a full stage investigation to find the culprit-or the gift- that passed it on.

Once found, nothing will satisfy them until said cilprit is stripped naked and whipped through the market place.

Leave them to and encourage your relatives to do the same. The situation will fast produce its own stew for them to simmer in in splendid isolation,

Don't reward Pricks, whatsoever form those pricks may take. They sound stupid and ignorant. Don't get involved

It was a question about risk, and the rationale behind restricting cuddles.

You've answered the question, so thank you. I'm sorry you have struggled so much with anxiety.

If this is the case with the OP, that the sisters rules are based on anxiety, might it be better to support her to get help, rather than unquestioningly going along with rules that have been set by her anxiety rather than a reasonable appraisal of risks? Obviously Im not saying ignore her rules - if she's not happy with people touching the baby that should be respected. But if close family members are acting in bizarre ways it's not always helpful to just go along with it.

The vast majority of people don’t want to do anything other than cuddle the baby. Come on now!

It’s the primary reason for their visit. Not to see how the new parents are, or help them in any useful way.

Problem is mumsnets “reasonable appraisal of risk” is based on GCSE level understanding of immunity development- exposure to bugs = good, means you develop an immune system. And doesn’t take into account the gradual approach with a newborn.

New mums will be sold all sorts of sterilisers and cleaning fluids and told to keep a clean environment in the first few weeks especially- and then equally be expected to host the circus at home so family can get their cuddles.

This is so so true!!!

@MermaidofRye you’re pleasant

I’ve seen people on here say it’s rude to not offer visitors a drink or that they’d be taken aback if they were asked to do the dishes.

Being able to see and cuddle a newborn, so that in the future you will be more inclined to babysit, isn’t what being a village is! It’s helping the new parents out in the moment, in whatever way they need - including staying away - so that in the future they will help you out when you need it.

I’d be glad to have you out of my life TBH if you’re going to be this horrible

I don't think you're being reasonable or not reasonable so I haven't voted. It does seem a bit extreme to not let anyone else hold the baby for 12 weeks especially the grandparents. However he is their baby so it has to be their rules. None of you are being unreasonable.
I guess for the parents once baby is three months old no one, apart from the grandparents and very close family, won't be that bothered about wanting to hold the baby anymore. Just a thought... that might not be the case at all!

My mum has given me a whole list of ways she is prepared to help me when my baby is due and once they are here. Not one offer is actually helpful- they are all just things she is excited or wants to do, but rather than saying that she tells me they are help.

I will help you to both pick a name.
I will help you decorate the nursery, you need to find out if it’s a boy or a girl (we want a surprise and my partner is perfectly able to handle the painting of the nursery-she just wants to know the gender)
Lets go shopping and you can choose a their home from hospital outfit…(again she thinks this will mean she finds out gender, and I have already been handed down a dozen plain white baby grows, and I don’t need baby to have a special going home outfit)
I will help you with feeds (we want to EBF, cue “dont be ridiculous you have no idea how hard that will be).
I will come to the hospital and stay with you during labour (nothing to add, just no fucking way).
Tell me what car seat you’ve bought so I can check it fits into my car so I can drive them back to mine (errr where the hell do you think you are taking my newborn without me?)

No “I’d like to help with that or I’m so excited to do this”. Just be grateful for all these ways I’m offering to help, none of which actually seem helpful, particularly the undermining on the breastfeeding- I feel like I need a cheerleader and encouragement, not someone hoping I’ll fail because it means they get a chance to do feeds themselves.

Dont get me wrong, I won’t be holding back access, provided they are well. But I am not under the illusion that my parents are going to be of any help or lighten the load at all. And inviting them to come round and visit is going to be of any benefit to me or baby for the first couple of weeks.

While I think they’re being a little OTT but I also thing people’s obsession with holding other peoples newborns is also a bit odd. What difference does it make to you if you have to wait a while?

I think one of the problems here is the current rhetoric that new parents must be put on a pedestal and no one should question them, regardless of how ridiculous they are being.
At then end of the day, women have been having babies for ever, and while it used to be seen as a standard life event, it has somehow become regarded as some amazing achievement, as if no one has ever had a baby before. I'm not sure it's a good thing to be honest.
To go back to the famous MN village, new parents used to look to their parents and wider family for advice and help in the early days and months but this has changed immeasurably now. Today's new parents regard themselves as experts from the get-go and seem to think no on knows the correct way to parent but them. Hence years of experience is brushed aside as if it means nothing as the new parents always knows better.
The reluctance to question this means these silly trends gain ground. To question means the relative risks being cut out of the baby's life as the parents are convinced they are all the baby needs in its life and anyone else is a irrelevance.
It's all completely mad.

I think one of the problems here is the current rhetoric that new parents must be put on a pedestal and no one should question them, regardless of how ridiculous they are being.

When did this happen - my DC are late teens and just 20 - but I got nothing but cristism and I wasn't alone in that - other mothers I knew had similar

A lot of advice has changed but everyone seems to want you to do what they did as if it somehow made what they did more valid. The most extreme I had one friend whoes mother would wake baby because she thought front sleeping was better for baby not the back sleeping recommended.

I do think the couple here are being OTT - but I wonder if there is some undelying cause - a velcro baby like I had joy of - pnd making mother particualr anxious a lot of undermining family or illness.

My MIL was ripping DH only female cousin to spreads after she had a baby saying she was lazy and OTT about things and everyone was pandering to her- I did say to her are you sure there isn't more like pnd going on got told Oh no I'd have been told - couple of months later came out cousin has particularly bad pnd to point she was hospitalized.

I've seen so many threads on here over the years (in which time I've gone from being a new parent to a parent of adult children) where people are frustrated by parents or ILs not listening and insisting on doing things their way. Don't people remember how frustrating it is as a new parent to have your own parents or ILs rolling their eyes at what you did and insisting or pressuring that their way is better? I'm surprised so many people seem to want to repeat that pattern for their own gc - did they enjoy it being done to them that much??

There never was one single time when everything that was done was right, and there is no single correct way to parent. Having been a parent two or even a few times does not make anyone the expert in how their gc or nieces or nephews should be parented - at most they're just a bit more experienced, but mostly only with their own children, and IME there's an awful lot of poor remembering going on too.

I get the temptation to want to go right to telling people what to do because you're really sure that you've nailed parenting, so if your kids and partners just all do what you're sure is correct parenting then everything will be good. There's no solid basis for thinking this though - some things do change, and will change again, so today's new parents will be no more justified in insisting that their way is right, in 25 years, then today's gps are in insisting that now. Sometimes good things go out of fashion and then come back, or the current advice changes back to be previous advice. It doesn't matter - everyone just does their best with current knowledge.

General advice and support from more experienced parents is great, it's not that it has no value. It can really help and is an essential way for gps to support their dc as parents. But not "they'd better do it my way or I'll sulk and withhold future contact"? If anything is going to damage long-term relationships it's surely that.

Thankfully most gps I think are pretty sensible, and don't assume that only one way of doing things is right, to the extent that new parents should be punished if they deviate (especially when any one individual family may have an individual good reason for doing something), but there seem to be some pretty horrible ones on this thread who do think like that .