AIBU to think their no-touching rule for the baby is OTT?

[Pretfeen]

Some relatives recently had a baby. They are quite a young couple in mid 20s and have set a rule that no one is allowed to hold or touch baby until he's at least 12 weeks old, not even grandparents. Before 4 weeks no one could visit. Now visits are permitted but only to look at baby, no touching.

For background baby is healthy, born full term so no issues like that.

AiBU to think this is a bit OTT and precious? Obviously it shouldn't be pass the parcel with a newborn, no kisses, wash hands, stay away if sick etc but I've never seen this level of protection before.

Obviously it's their baby, their rules and I'm not going to break them. I'll visit in a few weeks and keep my distance.

Is this a Gen Z thing? Or are they a bit extreme? I was never this way with my DC nor were any friends and relatives in my age group. We'd usually visit a week or two after and hold baby after washing hands. Maybe I'm just a bit blasé about these, I'm sure there will be plenty of sanctimonious parents in here who'll tell me AIBU

I don't think the issue is the holding of the baby, it's the not being able to visit at all for weeks to months. That seems sad to me. It seems so natural to bring around dinner and some baking, do a chore or two and a gift. That's all part of celebrating. Holding the baby is nice but optional.

I think the whole no touching baby thing is ridiculous! I was having my first grandson overnight when he was 7 weeks old... so bathing, changing, feeding, the whole lot! It meant his parents got a night when they could recharge their batteries and be together without worrying about the baby.

Not speaking for the poster but I'd imagine grandparent's want to hold their grandbaby before they're 12 weeks old.. I understand few days old or even few weeks but dp they really need to wait 12 weeks, what for?

Reminds me of those weirdos you see in museums who despite the “no touch” signs, just have to reach out and touch the object…just because.

why can’t you go and visit and see and spend time with? What’s the obsession with touching?

I'm 32. It's obviously ridiculous, and, from an evolutionary pov, non-sensical. We are designed to raise babies in groups, with older women (your mum!!) supporting younger women. Obviously that's not a thing in modern life, but still. I can't comprehend why you wouldn't let your immediate family hold your baby, with the obvious exceptions of having a very vulnerable premie or your relative having a bug. People have been holding each others newborns since the dawn of time.

And as for people saying 'why would you want to hold a newborn', you are being the weird one. We are hardwired to want to hold and nurture babies, because that's how babies survive. It is human nature to want to give them a cuddle and feel their weight in your arms. Babies are lovely 🤷

There's being cautious about germs, and then there is being ridiculous. Yes no one will implode or struggle to bond because they haven't held the baby, but it's just daft behaviour.

Yes but you're neither selfish, or controlling. I wonder how people's relationships are with the new parents who make up these rules. Does it get better, or is it more of the same throughout the child's upbringing . . .

This. They seem to be intent on sucking the joy out of bloody everything.

I think she said people are allowed to visit, but not to touch the baby. I am not sure it is about recovering from the birth.

OP said no-one could visit for four weeks.

@Pretfeen Report back in a few months when they're desperate for an evening out and happy for pretty much any family member to babysit!

One of my clients gave me her newborn to hold at a few days old - she is a nurse. Another, who is a gp, also gave me her new baby to cuddle. I am so confused at all these rules these days - what with stressing over what to wear for weddings (I chose my best dress out the wardrobe) and not cuddling new babies, life was simpler back in the day.

In Australia you are advised to be immunized against whooping cough and influenza at least 2 weeks before visiting a newborn . It's called cocooning and most people here do it to protect for around 6 months . My neighbour would not let me near her child until I was immunized .

All well and good but, if I'm not allowed near a baby for three months, there's no need for me to get the vaccine to protect them. They will have had two of their own by then.

While I would respect the rules I would be devastated if either of my siblings did this. If I were the baby's grandparent I think I would have to take myself off on a nice holiday during the wait to get over it.

I'm normally the first to criticise grandparents who play favourites but how can you relax and bond the same with these DCs as the ones you were allowed to cuddle as babies and enjoy without extreme rules?

It's not "advice from their midwife" at all.

Nowhere in the OP does it say that, and no midwife is giving out such daft suggestions.

They are making up their own daft rules.

I would try and have a chat with the mum and find out if she’s ok. Having a newborn is incredibly anxiety inducing, and you are being bombarded with so much information these days it’s hugely overwhelming. And the social media aspect is not that helpful. People see it as just more information but it all has an agenda, whether it’s a product or service to sell or just to drum up some publicity, but people don’t always see it for what it is, especially if you fall into an algorithm bubble and just see content reinforcing one opinion.

I can also totally also understand new parents just wanting to have a bit of a bubble where nobody is around expressing yet more opinions. Their stance might change after a few nights cluster feeding and IMO it would be nice for family just to sit back and see what happens but be on hand, and ask a few gentle but probing questions if appropriate.

When I had my babies I was asked what support network I have and was advised to visit groups etc. It was never suggested that I should isolate myself, quite the opposite.

Well yes it seems like an unwise idea in many ways but I also think it’s something people are free to do if they prefer.

It’s not that long after all.

No wonder there are so many people with allergies and suchlike nowadays. If babies and children are not allowed to be in contact with any germs, how do they develop resistance to them? We are not meant to live in a sterile world.
Common sense is in short supply and not helped by all the brainwashing on the internet. Grandparents could be so insulted by this rule, the child (and parents) might be ignored by them in future.

My new neighbour who I have only recently met had a baby last week and I popped over with a card and gift ,absolutely not expecting a cuddle. After a few minutes baby started fussing and she asked me to pick baby up so she could finish task with toddler. It was lovely and just normal behaviour and expectations.

There's no indication that it's advice from the midwife. And it would be a very strange midwife who advised that the grandparents shouldn't hold their grandchild until it was three months old.

It would seem that this generation are determined to suck the joy out of every situation 🙄🙄 it’s such a shame.

‘Weirdos’ you are likening Grandparents and close relatives to people who touch random objects in a museum? It’s not an object, it’s a baby and wanting to hold your newest family member is not ‘weird’ it’s natural. My Dad was the most reserved and undemonstrative man, not tactile at all and even he held my son when he was born. Babies are not museum pieces, they are flesh and blood. Honestly, someone stop this world, I want to get off.

People are certainly free to do it. They can do it for a year or more if they want. There are no rules about being ridiculous. It is a long time for people who presumably are regularly involved in your life, such as grandparents.

I tend to take my social queues from the messages people send me about my place in their life and will step up accordingly. You do more for people you are closer to. I'm not one to impose myself on someone. If that later doesn't suit them, they set the standard.

Well that's one new mum heading down the post natal depression route. Making so many rules already implies they have a controlling tendency, which will only get stronger as time goes on. The strong urge to protect, beyond the reasonable. is going to overwhelm them sooner or later.