AIBU to think their no-touching rule for the baby is OTT?

[Pretfeen]

Some relatives recently had a baby. They are quite a young couple in mid 20s and have set a rule that no one is allowed to hold or touch baby until he's at least 12 weeks old, not even grandparents. Before 4 weeks no one could visit. Now visits are permitted but only to look at baby, no touching.

For background baby is healthy, born full term so no issues like that.

AiBU to think this is a bit OTT and precious? Obviously it shouldn't be pass the parcel with a newborn, no kisses, wash hands, stay away if sick etc but I've never seen this level of protection before.

Obviously it's their baby, their rules and I'm not going to break them. I'll visit in a few weeks and keep my distance.

Is this a Gen Z thing? Or are they a bit extreme? I was never this way with my DC nor were any friends and relatives in my age group. We'd usually visit a week or two after and hold baby after washing hands. Maybe I'm just a bit blasé about these, I'm sure there will be plenty of sanctimonious parents in here who'll tell me AIBU

There are so many nasty replies on here insulting the parents. I can't understand why. I'm gen X and likely to be a MIL/grandparent one day and I honestly can't imagine feeling so furious at the mere idea of a rule like this that I would be as nasty of some of these replies have been. Is it that people feel they are somehow owed access to the baby? Why do people find something that's so clearly a general rule insulting, so they lash out, rather than just a bit disappointing or annoying?

I fully expect that by the time I am a gp if I ever am one then some guidelines and habits will have changed since I was a new parent myself, and also the range of things more or less cautious parents choose to do will have changed. I hope to god I haven't been taken over by then by the urge to insult and ridicule my dc and their partners if that happens. Is there no space, between agreeing with them and ridiculing them, for people to just say that they disagree it's necessary but remain kind and polite? Why this spiteful urge to look forward to them later complaining about having no helpful grandparents or no village?

There's also a scary amount of misinformation about the immune system on here. Exposure to viruses that cause illness does not strengthen a new baby's immune system or prevent allergies! Lots are really dangerous for young babies. Viruses that cause illness are not at all the same thing as more ordinary skin and environmental bacteria and avoiding too much sterility over the whole of childhood. I think some people who are congratulating themselves on how chilled they are about things are just not very informed.

Re the PP whose toddler was playing in a cowpat - I wonder if that should have scared you more than it did? It's not like ordinary garden soil - E coli 0157 can be lethal for children under five. I don't think I would be relaxed about that happening regardless of whether it was dry or liquid.

I can see this from both sides, with the parents' wishes winning out.

I do wondering perhaps these attitudes have increased post covid. I think sometimes we underestimate the marks it left behind.

Perhaps do not penalise her for trying to do what feels right for her. Yes it might hurt snd offend, but she's obviously trying to do right by her baby.

I suspect access to the baby is a red herring. It's a wider issue of exclusion, rejection and being kept at arms length at what is usually a time family comes together to celebrate and support a new family. It does send a message. We see that on here with all sorts of things - evening wedding but not good enough for the full day when people thought they were close, friendship group invited to dinner but they were excluded. Granted these are very different scenarios, but the messages are clear and received.

Shared experience is what builds relationship. I am closer to the children of some friends over family because I've been involved more closely.

@Pretfeen you’d never be inclined to babysit your niece or nephew because you didn’t hold them in the first 12 weeks?

Get a grip. Can’t you focus on your life for a bit? Insane people are bothered by this! Yes, disappointing for you but you’ll get over it.

The future babysitting is a moot point IMO. In my experience no one is ever interested in babysitting, regardless of when they met and/or held the baby.
The interest in the baby in general usually declines quite quickly. There will be a few people who visit during the early newborn days that just won’t ever bother visiting again.

What an odd choice or words - youre writing that as though we all go over and just prod a baby for hours on end!
Feel so sorry for the GPs missing out on that initial cuddle OP x

At 12 weeks the baby's immune system should have been exposed to a variety of people and won't develop properly. At 12 weeks mum and dad will be exhausted policing this nonsense. If I'd said anything this selfish and stupid in the midst of baby anxiety my mum would gently have pointed all that out. My mum my MiL and my sisters were incredible in the first few weeks after a bad childbirth left me unable to walk for 3 weeks.

It feels a bit OTT but it’s their baby so they can decide.

They must be a bit anxious and it’s not hard to respect this very small rule from them.

It's not a small rule, it's a big rule that deprived the grandparents of meeting their baby for four weeks and not being able to touch it for 12 weeks.

As a grandparent if have no choice but to respect it, but I'd have found it really upsetting.

Your commenting on virtually every post is annoying Wooville. You've made your stance clear that you're at batshit crazy as OP's younger sibling. Since time began, family members have held eachother's babies, it's natural. Look at primates, they do the same thing. These 'new' rules being followed by Gen z are bonkers. I totally understand being made to wash hands, no kissing etc, but to not be allowed to hold the newest family member is absurd. There's going to be a new generation of kids born to Gen Z parents that are dysfunctional with all the stupid rules being laid down by their parents.

I agree it takes a village. Probably easier to take advice from the grifters on social media than to communicate directly with family and friends. I think Covid increased the isolation and fear with people working from home and no longer interacting in society as much. It’s all a bit sad really and does suggest a weird control factor too. They will not be able to ask for help even if they start to struggle now they have set the rules.

As a health visitor I’d be struggling not to say the above.

It takes a village to raise a child. Causing rifts within your family with little to no tangible benefit is going to make things far more difficult in the long run.

This is ridiculous. Babies should develop immunity, anyway, if they are healthy and are to live in the real world. I know someone who did this with their first-born, added to sterilizing the whole apartment and spraying any visitor for one year after the birth, and the girl now has every possible allergy you can think of. They've lived to regret it.

But it shouldn’t cause a rift, and if it does, that is on the person who has chosen to think they are above the rules and spit their dummy out of the pram and not the parents.

The NHS says it’s fine and normal to want to limit contact for the first 1-2 months or until the initial vaccinations. John Hopkins in America says 3 or until initial vaccinations and to encourage all visitors are up to date on their vaccinations.

All these people saying exposure is what develops the immune system are wrong. Yes in toddlers, children and adults. In newborns it comes from skin to skin wi the parents, breast milk and vaccinations. They have been in a bubble for 9 months, they have no immune system or microbiome.

We are sociable creatures. We are designed to live in extended family units, not isolated nuclear families. This includes sharing childcare, even of small babies. Breastfeeding is a huge protective factor in this.

I’ll bet you anything that these parents will want to go out to coffee shops and supermarkets before long, completely negating any benefit that not letting a loving grandparent give baby a cuddle will have had.

The NHS saying that it’s normal to want to limit contact doesn’t mean ‘don’t let anyone else hold your baby’. Vaccinations only cover a TINY number of potential infections anyway.

Just wait til they're crying out for help and saying no one's there for them...! What goes around comes around.

They sound completely OTT. I'd just stay away. Eventually they might invite you to meet baby. I'd certainly not visit them with a list of rules. Maybe they don't want baby bonding with anyone but themselves.

The child is going to be in their lives for a very long time. It is such a short period in the grand scheme of things.

I would be disappointed but not feel deprived or upset!

Ah this is so sad. I loved cuddling my siblings newborn babies then watching them and my parents cuddle mine. What do they think is going to happen?

Ours was born before COVID. We were always out and about right from the beginning. I had never had any interest in random babies so I was totally shocked by the amount of strangers that appeared asking questions or giving compliments and multiple times somebody offered to hold to give me a break while I ate my food or paid for goods or whatever.

I guess I'm a terrible parent because I usually said yes.

How do you know how you'd feel?

Just as I had no experience of what it felt like to become a mother, until it happened, I had no idea what a huge emotional response is have to being a grandmother. Of course I was excited for my daughter throughout her pregnancy, but I had no idea that when my granddaughter arrived, I would feel a rush of love that was so primal, it was almost the same as when I have birth to her mum.

So you can't say what you would feel. And in fairness when I gave birth I didn't realise just how massive a thing it was for my baby's grandparents.

I just hope that the mother in the OP has some kind of revelation and recognises that those who love her, will feel almost the same instinctive love for her baby, and let them in.

But you do have to wait for an immune system to calibrate. It isn’t about just getting protection from everything- it’s about the body learning appropriate levels of response to various viruses, bacteria and other pathogens. It’s why “mucky” kids are thought to have fewer allergies, because soil archea help calibrate the immune system. But it needs to be done slowly so the system can develop and learn. It’s why they don’t and can’t just give all vaccines at birth, because the body isn’t ready quite yet.

Primal love is about protection not access.

They are the parents so their wishes should be respected. New parents are very worried about what people saying regarding their child’s care and health.
Why do people want to touch the baby. Do these same people allow strangers to touch them and cuddle them?
Some grandparents live far away but the baby doesn’t mind, it doesn’t know they exist, they have no memory so a few months will not matter.

It's not about touching the baby. That often doesn't work out with newborns anyway. It's about being able to give the new parents a hug, say congratulations, give them a gift, drop off some meals and baking and do a chore to help them out. Baby cuddles would just be a bonus. All very normal and usual stuff. That is what cements you as part of their village and lives. If I'm meeting a three month old for the first time, that time has past. It would just be a visit as per normal. I think it does make a different bond when you aren't part of people's big events.

I suppose it saves me some effort and there is no way I'd be getting any vaccines to make the new parents feel better if it's at that stage where they will have had some of their own anyway. I don't make people a priority who make me an option. Don't jump over oceans for people who won't jump puddles for me.

I wouldn't say a thing to the parents and would honour their wishes, of course. That's their choice to make. I'm allowed to quietly think they are bonkers though.

Ah it's sad! I had a baby in lockdown and I wish I could have had some visitors to cuddle my newborn! My DD really struggled when she was eventually held by family, took ages for me to be able to leave her with DGPs for even an hour.