to think it’s inconsiderate to leave a lifetime of clutter for your kids to deal with when you die?

[wirey]

My parents are in their 70s, both in good health, fully capable, still active. This isn’t about illness, frailty or anything like that.

They have a 5-bedroom house absolutely rammed with stuff. I’m talking decades of things such as old paperwork, clothes, random items, things they haven’t used in years (some of it honestly feels like it’s been there 30–40 years untouched).

I’ve gently raised it a few times and offered to help them sort through it. Not in a pushy way, just suggesting we could do a bit at a time. Every time the response is basically “you can deal with it when we’re gone.”

I find that really unfair. It’s not even about the physical effort (although that will be huge), it’s the emotional side too. Having to go through a whole house of someone else’s lifetime possessions while grieving is a lot. Plus trying to work out what’s important, what isn’t, what can be thrown away without guilt.
I get that it’s their house and their stuff, and they can live how they want. I’m not trying to control that. But equally, it feels like they’re knowingly leaving a massive job for someone else when they don’t have to.

I’m not expecting minimalism or a spotless house, just a bit of consideration in not leaving everything untouched for decades and then handing it over as a problem later.

AIBU to think that’s selfish?

I have reduced my own possessions by 75% as not to leave a mess behind for DH and my DC.

Things can change very quickly; my mum was playing golf in the July and died in the November so they may not have as long as they think. We'd never considered we had so little time left.

It took DF a good year before he was ready to start really sortng out. Her handbag is still by the bed, 2 and a half years later.

But we've made a start. I try to bring a couple of bags away every time I go, some to sell, some I bin because he can't. He's accepted that one day he will die and DB will get a skip and dispose of everything if I don't sort it first. There's a lot of stuff but very little clutter, his paperwork is all in order and I know where the list of bank accounts etc is.

Hopefully your DPs will realise in their own time that they need to get rid of things and not leave you with an extra burden.

I am scared of what will happen to my marriage when we have to do this again. MILs house gives me the fear.

I have done this in the past. Took over a year and cost thousands in skips and clearance vans. I footed the bill for this and it took a long time to get only a small amount of money back.

Charities are not interested in most things as they are bursting at the seams here. Clothes are hard to recycle and you can only take a car to the recycling centre twice a month. Your licence plate is recorded and you make an appointment online to go to make sure.

Clearance companies?? Again hard to find, mainly blokes with vans who are most likely dumping the stuff down a lane somewhere and the serious ones do need you to pre sort before they start. There was no such thing available to me as a 'full service' option.

I got shouted down the last time I posted this on here by mumsnetters who said things like, 'Why are you doing this', 'Pay a company', 'You dont have to do it'?
The reality is, you do have to do it and its horrific.

My children will never suffer the same way and anyone who keeps a house full of rubbish and clutter when they have the ability to sort it before they depart this earth is very selfish indeed.

This is a kindness. Thank you from an 70+ year old who is doing her best to Swedish death clean.

Who would take on that responsibility in a will though? I dont understand who this mystery person could be?

Exactly this.

Yes people die at any age. They are in their 70's. The likelihood of them dying is higher than if they are in their 40s.

I am not expecting then to clear everything out right now but maybe slowly start to go through their things. There are dusty, broken items from decades ago that they never look at or touch or even remember.

Why is a house cold because it contains few memories? I also regift or get rid of unwanted gifts quickly. I keep on top of things so it will not end up like my parents house. I have one box of items that DC may like or want. It is upto them but they will not have to go through a house full of broken dusty stuff.

Just a word of caution about what constitutes 'clutter' though. I'm not particularly sentimental but I did have some of my kids' school stuff, just a few old exercise books, planners etc. They were very much 'Oh mum, just chuck it out' when I downsized from a five/six bedded house to my tiny two bedroom cottage, but I kept their stuff.

Since I moved, two of my children have had children of their own and they are suddenly more invested in having some of their old school stuff/baby pictures etc to pass to their children. (They were fascinated when my mum gave me some of MY old school books, reports etc). So I'm going to pass these things on.

What feels like clutter at one point of life can seem like a fun thing to keep later on, that's all I'm saying.

Yeah I'm dreading it tbh. There's still all my dad's books and he died 34 years ago! And my mum is hoarding paperwork from decades before she retired. Which was 15 years ago. Whole rooms crammed full of dusty old stuff.

It's pretty upsetting but she won't do much about it sadly.

Broken dusty appliances do not make their home feel cosy and familiar.

I never told them to throw everything out. DM still talks about hard she found it to clear her DM's flat yet she and DF are happy to leave everything in a mess for others to sort.

Not going to comment about get a clearance firm as many people have already posted about how it is not a magic bullet.

They get to choose how they live and what they keep, asking people to prepare for death and part with things they like to make your life easier later is savage

But if these photos/letters/poems are important to you, why haven’t you found them out in the last 40 years? I get that you want to keep them, but are they really that precious if you’ve left them in a dusty box for decades? And then what happens to them when you die? Are you expecting your kids to keep them forever too?

My Mil had boxes and boxes of cards from birthdays, engagements, deaths, anniversaries. Every card ever sent to her basically! All in a box and never looked at again, but considered one of a number of ‘‘precious possession’ that couldn’t possibly be got rid of when she moved from a 5 bed house to a two bed…there was so many boxes of precious unlooked at possessions that there was hardly room for a chair and tv in the living room!

In which case you don’t have that big an issue? There are house clearing companies that will deal with the lot.

@OtterlyAstounding this is the whole point of the thread. I’ve asked my Mum a million times, and offered to help. But she refuses. So I’m resigned to going through this awful task when she’s died, by which time I’ll be dealing with grief from her loss too.

What makes you think I am going to inherit anything? 😂

I can well believe it.

my mother’s jewellery has sentimental value to me, whether or not I like it, but if I ever really need the money I would sell it. My mother in law’s jewellery isn’t mine to sell - my husband wants to keep it and will sell it if we need to in future. But it’s not just the obvious things like jewellery, Ive collected a lot of china over the years, and many of the items are now worth three figure sums - my daughter woukd probably have no idea if a particular item was bought from Dunelm for a fiver or if it would sell for £200 on eBay, hence my reasoning in putting stickers on the base of things.

People have already commented how house clearance is not a magic bullet.

@user7463246787 why haven’t I found them? Because it’s not my house! I can’t just turn up and say “Hi Mum, I’m just going to turn your house upside down to see what I can find”.

Their cluttered house = their problem not yours.

Their cluttered house after they die = a house clearance company’s problem not yours.

Just because they live in a way you don’t like, doesn’t make it a problem they need to sort.

I asked them to clear some of the clutter not buy a coffin.

People have already commented how house clearance is not a magic bullet.

House clearance companies where I am do not work like that.

They do, in effect sort it themselves because when they die, their estate pays for the house clearance, so their money is used to clear the house. It's just done after they die, not before.

Why did you leave your stuff there in the first place?
My DF took 5 bin bags of my DSis clothes that she left 25 years ago to the recycling centre. She’s very minimalist in her house!
My DP have antiques that we know to sell and photos that me and my DSis will keep.
I will skip everything else.
I’m decluttering my house, but lots of the paperwork I use to have is now in my thousands of emails on my phone!

The thread is about going through the house and throwing heaps of belongings/junk out. But could you not just hunt through it for the sentimental items you want in the places your mum indicates they might be, and leave the rest? Or is she against that too?