to think it’s inconsiderate to leave a lifetime of clutter for your kids to deal with when you die?

[wirey]

My parents are in their 70s, both in good health, fully capable, still active. This isn’t about illness, frailty or anything like that.

They have a 5-bedroom house absolutely rammed with stuff. I’m talking decades of things such as old paperwork, clothes, random items, things they haven’t used in years (some of it honestly feels like it’s been there 30–40 years untouched).

I’ve gently raised it a few times and offered to help them sort through it. Not in a pushy way, just suggesting we could do a bit at a time. Every time the response is basically “you can deal with it when we’re gone.”

I find that really unfair. It’s not even about the physical effort (although that will be huge), it’s the emotional side too. Having to go through a whole house of someone else’s lifetime possessions while grieving is a lot. Plus trying to work out what’s important, what isn’t, what can be thrown away without guilt.
I get that it’s their house and their stuff, and they can live how they want. I’m not trying to control that. But equally, it feels like they’re knowingly leaving a massive job for someone else when they don’t have to.

I’m not expecting minimalism or a spotless house, just a bit of consideration in not leaving everything untouched for decades and then handing it over as a problem later.

AIBU to think that’s selfish?

I have reduced my own possessions by 75% as not to leave a mess behind for DH and my DC.

I found it helped with the grieving process. When my Dad died, we found little handwritten notes in his terrible hand (he had dementia) within his papers setting out his wishes for dealing with his death, which were comforting.

There was also something about working through belongings thoughtfully and methodically in the days after death but before the funeral. Something practical to do, is occupying and feels useful in those weird peculiar ‘non’ days.

I think I've heard, that the sweet spot to move is between 60 and 70, as leaving it much later can mean you aren't physically able to actually pull it off.

@OtterlyAstounding my brother died when he was 20. I was 19 and away at university. I’m 58 now. My Mum hasn’t been able to look at photos of him, or the poems he wrote, or the letters I wrote to him from uni. Her house was full of junk 40 years ago, and there’s even more now. It’s all spread through her 4 bedroom house and garage. No one knows what’s there.

Are you seriously saying that in my position, when she dies, you’d get a house clearance company in to get rid of everything? It would honestly feel like a second bereavement to me.

My parents had those hideous soup mugs. I threw them all in the ‘hardcore/rubble’ container at the dump.

Here’s a top tip for people who are willing to de clutter to save their adult children the trauma and stress of emptying their house.

It’s not the large items. It’s not the beds, tables, white goods, large rugs or bikes in the garage. It’s really not.

It’s the contents of drawers. Contents of boxes. Contents of desks. Contents of shelves.

I feel really anxious reliving the memories. Every box I opened, not knowing what I might see or find. It was so awful. I’m never going to put this on my own children.

I listen to the amazing the minimalists’ podcast. They talk so much sense about this ridiculous obsession we have with owning ‘stuff’

https://www.theminimalists.com/podcast/

I'm just talking about people who say they have to go through every item, in case they find something hidden away, while clearly resenting it massively and bemoaning the task.

If a person feels that way, it seems more sensible to give the house a quick sweep (unless they have reason to think something is hidden away) for any valuable or sentimental items, and then let a clearance company handle it.

If people don't want to do that, then they don't have much reason to complain, as they're choosing to hunt through every last thing.

There are companies that do this - they bring skips and you can do it in a few days. A few days' work for a free 5-bed house (or a half-share in one, or whatever it is) seems like the easiest money you'll ever make. Try thinking of it in those terms and maybe it won't seem so bad.

I don't think it's reasonable to ask people to tidy themselves into the grave. They spent a big chunk of their lives doing stuff that was hard work - and sometimes emotionally gruelling - for you. When they go, it's your turn. You've offered to help, they've said no, time to accept it. You don't know how things will pan out anyway - maybe one of them will die and the other will become a demon declutter. Or perhaps one will lose capacity / need to go into care and you can sort it then. Cross bridges when you come to them.

When my parents died, I got rid of pretty much everything. It was their stuff, their memories, not mine.

@FrLarryDuff that’s fine for you. But memories of my brother are my memories too. Can you really not see that?

There will be no inheritance for me. Many adult children are left to do this awful task and all the money will go to fund care home fees. I’ve done two house in the last year. This will be the case for both.

You have no idea what you are talking about. House clearing is horrific. You can twist it, minimise it, gaslight me, whatever. The fact is it is traumatic.

Not at all. But then I love sentimental items, and I'm not bothered by the thought of going through everything. My mother is a bit of an organised hoarder, so it's all tidy, but there's a lot!

Personally, if I were you (and my sympathies for your loss) I'd ask if I could go through her house for those things now rather than waiting, and take it home with me.

Your daughter would have to be a bit daft to not know that a gold bracelet is likely to be worth a reasonable amount! Not sure why you wouldn't sell your mothers' jewellery now too? Why leave it to your daughter to do? I'm not trying to be argumentitvie, I just don't understand. Get yourself on Dickenson's Real Deal!

Are you missing the part, where this poster says, that amongst all the clutter will be items of sentimental value, that belonged to her deceased brother?

I am sorry for your loss.

The difference here though, is that you know that there are sentimental items that you want to keep in amongst the "junk".

I, and PPs, don't have that. When my DM dies, if it isn't in a box marked "sentimental" I am not going to go hunting for it.

I bet you'll be happy enough to receive money from the estate though wont you 🤣

I've told my DM that if she doesn't clear out all her junk before she dies I will take what I want and get a house clearance company to come and shift the rest. It's up to her. And yes, I do think it's massively selfish to collect junk your whole life and then leave a house that is rammed to the rafters for your descendents to clear when you die. Thank God MIL has already chucked out 95% of her possessions. She is ready for the Good Lord to take her, in fact impatient!

But it isn't a need is it. It's a want. Which is fine to have but not if you are impacting someone else. The correct answer is no daughter I don't want to clear out but I also don't want you to be impacted so please feel free to just get a house clearance company or, to have paid your solicitor to sort it along with the will.

Yep. Since when did everyone get inheritance?! It happens with parents who were in rental properties and owned nothing of any real financial value too.

Totally selfish and I can't understand why anyone would do that to their children.

I take back what I said, and I'm sorry that I clearly struck a nerve.

TBH, I'm surprised that you couldn't see the neccesity of going through stuff.

We had loads of stuff that had to be gone through, unfortunately.

I am lucky in that there is a British Heart Foundation collection point at my gym, so I can regularly go through my own stuff and have a clear. It is surprisingly difficult to get charity shops to take books or dvds
I thought I was reasonable good at chucking out but when we moved house 5 years ago I found a thermal fax machine!

I sympathise with you OP as my parents left a house stuffed to the rafters - we used a house clearance company.

I'm 66 and in good health but decided several years ago it was time to start clearing a lot of stuff. I realised I had reached a point where I had little sentimental attachment to possessions and was also partly motivated by the wish not to leave too much for my 3 DDs to clear.

I found it also had the effect of decluttering my mind, so to speak - it made me focus more on the years I have left and what I hope to do with them.

So all round, a good thing!

It’s called a burden for a reason…

The Minimalists (Joshua Fields Millburn and Ryan Nicodemus) address the emotional and physical burden of emptying a deceased parent's house by focusing on the distinction between memories and material possessions. They advocate for retaining the memories without needing to keep the physical items.

https://shows.acast.com/the-minimalists-private-podcast-8/episodes/362-simplifying-death

Why is there always an assumption on here that many people will be inheriting lots of money when their parents die?

Some people here may have parents with plenty of money but many of us don’t.

DH and I are decluttering, not that our house is full of clutter as I hate it, but we are also simplifying our finances.