to think it’s inconsiderate to leave a lifetime of clutter for your kids to deal with when you die?

[wirey]

My parents are in their 70s, both in good health, fully capable, still active. This isn’t about illness, frailty or anything like that.

They have a 5-bedroom house absolutely rammed with stuff. I’m talking decades of things such as old paperwork, clothes, random items, things they haven’t used in years (some of it honestly feels like it’s been there 30–40 years untouched).

I’ve gently raised it a few times and offered to help them sort through it. Not in a pushy way, just suggesting we could do a bit at a time. Every time the response is basically “you can deal with it when we’re gone.”

I find that really unfair. It’s not even about the physical effort (although that will be huge), it’s the emotional side too. Having to go through a whole house of someone else’s lifetime possessions while grieving is a lot. Plus trying to work out what’s important, what isn’t, what can be thrown away without guilt.
I get that it’s their house and their stuff, and they can live how they want. I’m not trying to control that. But equally, it feels like they’re knowingly leaving a massive job for someone else when they don’t have to.

I’m not expecting minimalism or a spotless house, just a bit of consideration in not leaving everything untouched for decades and then handing it over as a problem later.

AIBU to think that’s selfish?

I have reduced my own possessions by 75% as not to leave a mess behind for DH and my DC.

When my dad died unexpectedly I found going through his things really comforting. It wasn’t a chore at all. Kept loads of his stuff and then over the years (he’s been gone 20+ years) have slowly got rid of most of it. I wouldn’t have dreamed of asking him to ‘sort his stuff out’ when he was alive. But having said that, he had all his affairs in order, neatly filed in his filing cabinet, so everything was straight forward.

What I would do, is tell your parents that you’ve put a folder with all your important/legal stuff in your home office/bedside drawer (wherever) so in case anything happens to you, that’s all they’ll need. You can then ask them where theirs is. If they haven’t got one, you could encourage them to create one. Because, really that’s all you need. Anything else can be thrown, sold, kept… whatever you want.

It’s very insensitive to keep asking them to have a clear out because you don’t want to deal with it. Asking them to get their affairs in order is a reasonable request. As they’re not both likely to die at the same time, whichever one is left will no doubt have a different view on things once they’ve lost their spouse. So ease back and it’ll all fall into place. To be honest, I do find this a very strange thing for you to be worrying about.

Oh but it is ..... if you are not bothered about your inheritance.

Just ask for some memorabilia now, then either reject the inheritance altogether or call a clearance company, hand them the keys and go back with the estate agent once the end-of- rental cleaning company have done a top notch clean.

I'm sorry but this topic pops up regularly and I really can't be doing with people wanting their parents to live differently at the end of their lives so that their legatees have an easier time getting hold of their money.

What would happen if nobody emptied the house etc, if you had on one? But I think it’s the least you can do if you are going to inheritances.

Then why worry. Just chuck it when she's gone and leave her be while she's alive

I'd just toss it all out then, if it's mostly junk and your parents are fine with that. Yes, it's irritating, but it's their house and their belongings while they're alive.

Personally, my mother and I went through my grandparents' house together, and we found it quite cathartic and good in processing the grief - but then they weren't hoarders of broken items (just had a lot of stuff).

So simply tell your DP’s that you’re gonna send in a house clearance company when they’re no longer about?
(I’m near 70, & my offspring told me several yrs ago they’re just going to make a massive bonfire of ‘everything’! when parents aren’t here 🤷‍♀️!)

Honestly? It’s their life. It’s what they want around them, what makes them happy

And you want them to ‘clear the clutter’ or rather what YOU see as clutter because they don’t, just so that it makes your life easier.
Youre asking them to get rid of the stuff they’ve surrounded ded themselves with, because they want to, first your own convenience.

Not one though about how your parents might feel about it, how important those things are to them.

Fir me, that’s the hight if selfishness tbh.

Why not? These things seem important to you. Your mum hasn’t looked at them for decades. If I’d have wanted anything from my mum/my DD wanted something of mine we’d have done our best to find it out for each other. Odd, to me, to have something you’d really value stuck in a box unobserved.

My DC have already chucked out their schoolbooks etc of their own volition so if they regret it later, that is on them.

I voted YANBU as I think ideally it is something people should sort out themselves, and it's very hard dealing with vast amounts of someone's clutter after they die. (I dread to think of it as regards my ex MIL, her house is HUGE and absolutely stuffed. And my own mum's is bad enough...)

But, I agree with PPs it can be very hard for people to face doing it, for both physical and emotional reasons. And the older you get the harder it is. I know an older couple who openly admit they are hoarders, and have a problematic amount of junk all over their house, but now they're both incapacitated by illness they can't do anything about it. They have DC but of course they have busy lives, jobs, kids etc. It would take weeks or months of full-time work to go through everything, dispose of stuff and rationalise the rest and no one has that time.

It's something I think about for myself and I'm still in my 50s - I hope I will eventually downsize, get rid of a lot of stuff and have everything sorted. But I don't have time to declutter at the moment so I can see how it happens.

Agree.

My mum has thrown out a lot of stuff but there would still be a lot if she died tomorrow.

In fact I was looking around my own house a few weeks ago and thinking about all the stuff (also in the garage and the shed, fortunately not much in the loft). I was wondering what would happen if DH, DS and I all got wiped out together and a more distant relative inherited all the stuff and had to sift through a load of stuff they had no idea about. I imagine a lot of decent stuff would get thrown out but I suppose we wouldn't' be around to care!

So I guess the solution is to make sure any decent stuff/collectibles are clearly labelled/listed somewhere.

People have already commented how house clearance is not a magic bullet.

So your issue is what exactly?
that you’re going to spend two days putting stuff in a skip?

If they are hoarders, asking them to do a clear out is one of the most difficult things you could ask them to do.
But it’s fair to ask that but unfair to ask you (and siblings?) to spend two days chucking everything out - which shouldn’t be that much of an issue as you say you’re not sentimental.

I really don’t get it

Agree with this 100%
I am a minimalist, my mum's house - to my eyes - is a cluttered mess, full of stuff at the end of its useful life or downright broken. Broken toaster? Buy a new one. Throw the old one away? Oh no - it may be useful or someone might need a toaster that doesn't work.
It's not the way I live my life, but then my life is not the way my mum lives her's . Maybe I am the way I am because of her, I don't know.
But I despise this modern way of thinking that younger people always know better and older generation should just meekly do as they are told and bow at the alter of their superior knowledge.
You want your parents to disrupt their life so that your life is easier when they die. Just hold that thought.
Is MN is to believed, once someone hits 60 they are a dribbling wreck anyway and should do as they are told and hand all their money over to their ever-suffering offspring.

I completely understand. My dad has a fully stocked garage with inspection pit, every tool imaginable for any type of car or house repair (inc. cement mixer!), keeps every scrap piece of wood or metal in case if comes in handy in the future & also old furniture in case it comes in handy (including neighbours old kitchen units, my old dining table & chairs, old hoover etc). And this is just the garage!

He also has nearly every classic car magazine, brochure etc that has ever been printed. I frequently ask him about what Im supposed to do with it all when he's dead (he doesn't take offence to this!) & he's leaving me specific instructions about who/where to sell it all. Its going to be a full time job when the time comes.

You have my complete sympathies. Me & DH are already making sure we don't leave anywhere near this level of stuff for our DC to deal with when we're gone (only in our 40s).

Lovely that you found it comforting.

I already know I will not find broken dusty appliances and condiments from decades ago comforting.

But I despise this modern way of thinking that younger people always know better and older generation should just meekly do as they are and and bow at the alter of their superior knowledge.
You want your parents to disrupt their life so that your life is easier when they die. Just hold that thought.

What a strange attitude. It is nothing about young people knowing better. I saw both sides when my DH's parents died. MIL was very organised and sorted out her affairs and possessions was very easy and straightforward. MIL's life was not disrupted because she was organised. She lived a happy life with lots of hobbies and activities. DH was very grateful his DM made things easy for him.

His DF left everything in such a mess and it caused DH a lot of pain to figure everything out and clear all the clutter.

I completely agree. I was having a conversation with some friends a few years back to this effect and I used to keep every birthday a Christmas card. Now I just keep last year’s ones. I had to sort through a pile of rubbish when my dad died and now my brother is hoarding in my mum’s already cluttered house and I know it will be down to me to deal with. It’s awful.

Luckily my parents (in their early 70s) have started getting rid of stuff now after having to clear out four houses after elderly relatives passed away. I have an aunt who is very much not doing this and her house will be my problem someday which I am dreading...

and if it was me I would say "fine"

Thank you

YANBU. It took DH months to clear 50 years worth of stuff from PIL house when they went into a care home. Fifty years of old sheets, towels and duvet covers in the airing cupboard. Plus a full loft of stuff.

It has confirmed for DH and I why we don’t want knick nacks.

The broken dusty appliances do not make them happy. They just can't be bothered.

Interestingly DM said her own DM was selfish for not clearing her own stuff. Now she is doing the same.

As someone who is a minimalist and abhors clutter, I don't think you're being unreasonable. I wouldn't like to go through someone else's lifetime of 'junk'. That said, you can't force them to declutter either. You have to come up with something to incentivise them, ie that there might be few bob in getting rid of some of the stuff to pay for a holiday somewhere nice?

those people are the ones who have commented "oh but there are things I might want"