to think it’s inconsiderate to leave a lifetime of clutter for your kids to deal with when you die?

[wirey]

My parents are in their 70s, both in good health, fully capable, still active. This isn’t about illness, frailty or anything like that.

They have a 5-bedroom house absolutely rammed with stuff. I’m talking decades of things such as old paperwork, clothes, random items, things they haven’t used in years (some of it honestly feels like it’s been there 30–40 years untouched).

I’ve gently raised it a few times and offered to help them sort through it. Not in a pushy way, just suggesting we could do a bit at a time. Every time the response is basically “you can deal with it when we’re gone.”

I find that really unfair. It’s not even about the physical effort (although that will be huge), it’s the emotional side too. Having to go through a whole house of someone else’s lifetime possessions while grieving is a lot. Plus trying to work out what’s important, what isn’t, what can be thrown away without guilt.
I get that it’s their house and their stuff, and they can live how they want. I’m not trying to control that. But equally, it feels like they’re knowingly leaving a massive job for someone else when they don’t have to.

I’m not expecting minimalism or a spotless house, just a bit of consideration in not leaving everything untouched for decades and then handing it over as a problem later.

AIBU to think that’s selfish?

I have reduced my own possessions by 75% as not to leave a mess behind for DH and my DC.

OP the clearance company I used were brilliant. They would put things aside for me to look at if they thought they were of financial or sentimental value. For example they found newspaper cuttings, costume jewellery and even more photographs which I checked and didn't want so they added them to their pile.

@Growlybear83 I actually think you are being unreasonable and controlling. These things are sentimental to YOU not your son and poor daughter in law (I bet she has to do the lions share of the clearing). By all means leave a list with your will of items you wish to bequeath to other people but leave everything else up to them. You'll be dead so you won't know if they do what you want anyway...

Well said. I count myself very fortunate that my parents were always extremely tidy and orderly, so sorting my Mum's house out, which we are about to do now she's gone into a nursing home, will be pretty straightforward. No risk that she has hidden jewellery in the sugar jar or wads of cash behind the bath panels, both of which I've read of on here over the years.

Things you can't change can often be stressful.

I'm somewhat impressed this needs pointing out.

The soup bowls will be passed on to charity shops by someone clearing out their parent's house then bought by someone as they remind them of their departed parents. To be continued for evermore!

Yanbu, I will be hiring someone to throw it all in the tip and yes it annoys me because we've discussed this with them and their answer is that we might want it. We don't want any of it, give it away, give it to a charity shop, take it to the tip now.

Aside from proper full-blown hoarding, I think it's a bit much to expect parents to throw out all the things that make their home feel cosy and familiar to them because they'll be dead 'soon' and it'll inconvenience you. It's nice if they can be organised and prune things down a bit, but it can't be expected and it's pointless to resent them for it.

The most important thing to do is to get them to keep all the important documents in a location you know about, and then just stop worrying about it.

When they die, hire a clearance firm, or toss it all in a skip, and the job's done. And for those saying 'but what if you miss something valuable/important' - unless you're actively looking for something you know they had, then that jewellery, photo album, or money, etc isn't something you'll miss, as you never knew they had it to begin with!

Why would everything still need to be gone through? It’s your parents’ stuff, not your stuff. What “need” would there be?

If it is bothering you this much, next time you feel you need to raise it with them suggest they alter their wills to put in place arrangements for someone else to deal with it.

Clearly someone who has never had to empty the house of a bereaved parent.

What exactly do you have in mind here? If you just mean don't deliberately smash them so as to maximise the chance of anyone who goes tip diving being able to usefully retrieve them, fair enough. But any more than that is an expectation that other people's time, labour and resources are available and best used in a particular way, which can be privileged in itself. I say this as someone who does get a lot second hand.

Im on their side.

It’s their house, their life. They could easily live another 20 years and they’re entitled to live how they like for that period of time.

You’ve had the conversation they’ve given their answer. I’d leave it for now. If you really don’t want to deal with it then you can either pay a company out of the estate to deal with it or you can sell the house at auction or sell it as is.

What an unnecessarily cruel (and inaccurate) comment.

@DistantConstellation bearing in mind he was housebound living on the ground floor when he died, I do not think there was much treasuring of stuff in his 5 sheds, loft and garage! He used to say to me proudly I have all the touch up paint for every car I ever owned (he did it was solid). He also randomly had a load of St Bruno tobacco tins which was odd as he never smoked.

It is weird what people have a lot of when you clear their house.
BIL had so many cable ties it was very weird.
MIL had loads of bits of tinsel and broken china
I am a regular chucker outer now in my home

That's a strange way of looking at things. My Mum had rings worth £3k, that we didn't know were worth that much.

That's not an "oh well, it went in the skip, who cares" moment!

I’ll tell you why everything needs to be gone through. Because you’ll have banks, pension funds, solicitors and more, breathing down your neck, and a lot of the information or evidence you will need will be found on some random piece of paper. You’ll have random extended family members call you and ask for something back from the house. You’ll need to ensure nothing private or confidential gets thrown on the street or ends up in the wrong hands. The clearance company will ask you to sort into junk, recycle, sell piles in advance.

I think you need to be a little less gentle about it. It is a big task clearing out your last parent’s belongings. I just had to deal with a well kept flat but there was still a huge amount of work involved and years of paperwork, so I know it’s going to be big task for you in the future if they don’t pull their finger out now, it’s really quite selfish of them. It has made me very aware of my own children’s future dealings so I am making a conscious effort now to declutter and keep things as simple as possible (even though I’ve hopefully got another good twenty years ahead of me) but I’m starting now. I’m also going to buy a notebook called My Final Wishes which logs all the important information they will need to know.

The thing is, clearing a mountain of crap is (generally) all part of the deal when a loved one dies. I don't think you can evade it by forcing them into a new lifestyle and habits, which they're unlikely to sustain for long anyway.

Part of the "hanging on to rubbish" is that older generations were less inclined to dispose of things, however ugly or useless. My parents held on to things for life, as thier own parents had; the whole idea of upgrading/replacing just never occurred to them.

No doubt when you are older, your children will be aghast at the things you still have that they see no value in keeping.

The only way to be absolutely sure of minimising the inconvenience when they die is to ask their permission for you to make a start on it all now, even though this might easily be ~20 years premature. Maybe you could measure them up for their coffins while you're at it! 😜

Are you my sibling??? I think it’s common, I’ve suggested downsizing to a 2 bed bungalow which got met with a “we’re not old” but my point to them was you aren’t elderly and frail but I’ve seen so many people who have one slip, one bad bug, one infection and they can’t even manage the move themselves. At least I’ve signed the power of attorney forms finally. I work with the elderly and have seen it all.

But asking them to do something about it several times and getting the same response from them- can you not just accept their view?

My Mum has a very large house and it also has a lot of stuff in, stuff that she probably doesn’t even remember she has anymore.
She likes surrounding herself with it so I just leave her to it.
I don’t hold of stuff myself, regularly declutter the house/get rid of things no one is using/grown out of, because I prefer it.
My Mum knows that when she passes if it’s my job to sort I will call a charity it to see if they want any of the furniture, then I’ll get a big skip and things that can’t be donated will end up in there.
Ive promised I’ll look after her dogs if they are still around, give some special items to family members ie a clock that was her Mothers and jewellery to her grand daughters etc but that’s it.
I was looking for some paperwork she needed the other day and amongst the stacks of dated things there was a quote for a new bathroom in 1992….
I asked if she wanted me to shred and she said just to put it back in the folder.
I would hate to leave my children with an overwhelming amount of stuff, but my Mum like yours wants it all sorted when she’s no longer around.

Yes I agree, quite an odd attitude. I found a box containing rings I didn’t know my mum even had as she never wore jewellery other than her wedding band. I wear one of them now.

I’ll try my best to declutter for my kids - but they currently seem reluctant to move their left behind clutter since they moved out !

@redboxer321Of course prices could change, but knowing that a gold bracelet weighing 40 grams was worth £x in 2026 will at least help her to avoid throwing something of value out. We inherited a lot of jewellery from our mothers which is not to my taste or my daughter’s, but it is here to be sold in the future.

@BerryTwisterin our case, no, Im not talking about what most people would class as rubbish and apart from my husband’s bloody wood collection in the shed, we haven’t got any things like you've mentioned. But my mother in law did keep things like that, and whilst it was a real pain sorting through everything, I never begrudged her keeping everything.

My Mum was exactly the same, but she died in Covid. My Dad has loads of old clutter, but every week I persuade him to get rid of a few things. For example 80 Carte D’Or Ice cream containers.
He said they make useful containers, but I showed him all his Tupperware containers. I clean his house, so I have a pretty good idea of what is where. My mum would not let me have got rid of anything and she managed to hoard hundreds of old newspaper articles, which she carefully cut out….

Well, unless they were hidden in the sugar jar, that's not quite the same thing as what I'm getting at. Obviously people will look through the basics, such as jewellery boxes, etc.

But my point is that someone hates the thought of looking through their dead loved one's hoarded belongings, but feels they can't throw it all in the skip in case there's something valuable or sentimental hidden somewhere... Then maybe they should just shrug and bin it, without worrying about the tiny chance there might be a hidden treasure. After all, they've spent decades without those things - why fret about the loss of things they didn't know existed?

Or they could ask if they can hunt for those things in their parents' house now, without tossing anything out, and get them organised before their death.

Personally, I love sentimental items, so it's not an issue for me, but it seems like a fairly easy fix for most people.

Because you’ll have banks, pension funds, solicitors and more, breathing down your neck, and a lot of the information or evidence you will need will be found on some random piece of paper.

This is literally the only thing that needs to be in order. And even then, it only needs to be in order for the executor. OP can decline this job if she is so inclined.

You’ll have random extended family members call you and ask for something back from the house.

You say no.

You’ll need to ensure nothing private or confidential gets thrown on the street or ends up in the wrong hands. The clearance company will ask you to sort into junk, recycle, sell piles in advance.

You instruct them that it can all be disposed of.

Ultimately this comes down to money. People want to maximise their inheritance while not wanting to deal with the admin.