to think it’s inconsiderate to leave a lifetime of clutter for your kids to deal with when you die?

[wirey]

My parents are in their 70s, both in good health, fully capable, still active. This isn’t about illness, frailty or anything like that.

They have a 5-bedroom house absolutely rammed with stuff. I’m talking decades of things such as old paperwork, clothes, random items, things they haven’t used in years (some of it honestly feels like it’s been there 30–40 years untouched).

I’ve gently raised it a few times and offered to help them sort through it. Not in a pushy way, just suggesting we could do a bit at a time. Every time the response is basically “you can deal with it when we’re gone.”

I find that really unfair. It’s not even about the physical effort (although that will be huge), it’s the emotional side too. Having to go through a whole house of someone else’s lifetime possessions while grieving is a lot. Plus trying to work out what’s important, what isn’t, what can be thrown away without guilt.
I get that it’s their house and their stuff, and they can live how they want. I’m not trying to control that. But equally, it feels like they’re knowingly leaving a massive job for someone else when they don’t have to.

I’m not expecting minimalism or a spotless house, just a bit of consideration in not leaving everything untouched for decades and then handing it over as a problem later.

AIBU to think that’s selfish?

I have reduced my own possessions by 75% as not to leave a mess behind for DH and my DC.

Good for you but my comment wasn't addressed to you because it would be irrelevant as you have already decluttered.

I think from what you've written on this thread that you're doing that at your age because you are personally wired to dislike clutter and because it makes you feel good and/or more in control of life.

Your daughter may be pleased or she may not, you are steadfastly ignoring the opinion of everyone who posts that they found the clearing process cathartic.

I think her daughter is going to be super pleased 😀

Exactly this! It costs a fortune and is VERY stressful even if a company is involved.

Houses full of clutter usually come with some other problem such as mice or moths.

You can then add all the costs of having to pay gas, electric, council tax for months on end too while the house is slowly emptied. Then more costs to even think of selling it, as the hoarding has caused all sorts of damp, leaks, smells…

There is nothing left at the end and no solicitor is going to organise anyone to do it, despite the claims on this thread of ‘you don’t have to do it’.

You don't have to do any of this.

You can auction a house "as it stands with contents" and walk away 2 weeks later.

The continual gas lighting by @Imdunferis wild 🤪

Just because you (for some bizarre reason) don’t want to believe something, doesn’t mean it isn’t true.

Loads of people (myself included) have posted on this thread giving advice from our own experience to how people can make it easier for themselves.

Some others (yourself included) are determined to be martyrs anyway. As the saying goes “you can lead a horse to water …”.

You say you have raised it 'gently' several times. So, yes, they may well feel chivvied.

Look, I understand that the hoarding seems to be a problem but your post is not about their quality of life but yours. You think they would be happier without the broken appliances - as I would be in their position - but they disagree. Instead of accepting that or worrying about them in the here and now, you are complaining about how hard it will be for you in future if they don't go along with your wishes. That comes across as selfish on your part, not theirs.

And, yes, clearance companies are a solution. I know, I have used them. You can't have it both ways. Either the stuff has meaning, in which case, they are entitled to keep it or it is junk and you can get rid when the time comes with a clear conscience.

i suppose they dont want to think about dying. it probably would cost something, I never did it before, but if it was me in the position that I am left with a bunch of stuff I would just take what I like and want to keep and just hire someone to remove and dispose of everything else. Probably a good idea to get a quote for something like that for a piece of mind and just plan for it. This could be paid from
their estate also.

"you can deal with it when we’re gone.”

Yes, and I will hire a skip to bin it all

So how does it work, for example, when the new owners are suddenly in possession of bank cards and ID documents you had no idea existed in the piles?

Or there is a fairly new car in the drive and it takes weeks to find keys, insurance documents, V5 and then weeks until you realise it’s got outstanding finance? Does the car count as part of the house auction?

I didn't mention a daughter.

I am not particularly wired to dislike clutter. I was brought up with a lot of clutter. But I have discovered life is easier without all the clutter. My parents are keeping all their clutter but it doesn't make their life easy.

80% of people say I am not being unreasonable.

You are steadfastly ignoring the opinion of the majority who say it is inconsiderate to leave clutter for others to deal with.

You seem a bit over invested in your parents lives and home.
They're really quite young for you to be hung up on their deaths

You are back.

Why do you care?

You would disinherit someone for suggesting they get rid of a dusty broken appliance 😂

Don't worry, the magic house clearance company do absolutely everything!!!!

You OK Hun?

I am fine hun but not so sure about you hun

I lost a very dear relative last year who led a very simple life and had pared down his stuff to almost nothing in the last few years of his life. He was so active out in the community until his final days and led a really rich life, always learning new stuff, always helping people out - I don't think it was a coincidence that he wasn't weighed down with loads of stuff from the past.

This makes a lot of sense actually. Pleased to hear he lived a rich and active life.

OP please try and insist they clear and help and understand.

My poor DH is now in the middle of this, his horder mentally sick parents proper TV worthy hoarders are both now in care after refusing and living in a shithole they are finally safe and fed and clean - they live 7 hours away and they have kindly left him the job of sorting through not only rubbish and litter but books, paperwork, random unopened items.

They didn’t arrange anything no POA nothing sorted so he’s got courts, social services and this shit show to deal with, no wills no bank account records just guesswork. (They both have dementia)

They have outbuildings as well, personally I’d set fire to the whole lot. But he needs to spend our family time and his annual leave week after week dealing with this it will take about 12 + months with auctions, moving, selling, binning etc.

it’s totally avoidable and it causing all kinds of issues.

Going through my parents stuff, what I really regret is not knowing who people in old photos are.
Get them labelled before it’s too late

They may end up needing to sell the house to find care which means it will need clearing sooner

I don't think you understand what gaslighting means.

Apologies I misread DC as daughter somehow.

I'm not ignoring anything. I completely get out how awful it can be to have to clear a house and that's exactly why I keep telling people who say they have to do it how they can avoid doing it.

The people I really feel sorry for are those with genuine hoarder parents in rentals with little to no inheritance.

So how does it work, for example, when the new owners are suddenly in possession of bank cards and ID documents you had no idea existed in the piles?

The person on the ID is dead, so the ID is not particularly useful. The bank cards are for closed accounts.

Or there is a fairly new car in the drive and it takes weeks to find keys, insurance documents, V5 and then weeks until you realise it’s got outstanding finance? Does the car count as part of the house auction?

Well, off the top of my head, a probate solicitor could confirm vehicle registration with DVLA, get a new V5C issued with the new keepers details, and confirm outstanding finance. Missing keys can be ordered from a locksmith. It would be up to the person auctioning the house whether they included the car, but it would be unusual.

But you’re not really asking in good faith are you. For some reason you are gleeful about the idea that it is “just too hard”.

It works exactly the same way as if someone with no relatives dies or as if they disinherited all their relatives and left it all to a charity. It happens all the time.

If they leave it all or a percentage to a charity you might not be able to throw it all away, Some charities are quite ruthless in wanting the best price for everything to get their full whack