to think it’s inconsiderate to leave a lifetime of clutter for your kids to deal with when you die?

[wirey]

My parents are in their 70s, both in good health, fully capable, still active. This isn’t about illness, frailty or anything like that.

They have a 5-bedroom house absolutely rammed with stuff. I’m talking decades of things such as old paperwork, clothes, random items, things they haven’t used in years (some of it honestly feels like it’s been there 30–40 years untouched).

I’ve gently raised it a few times and offered to help them sort through it. Not in a pushy way, just suggesting we could do a bit at a time. Every time the response is basically “you can deal with it when we’re gone.”

I find that really unfair. It’s not even about the physical effort (although that will be huge), it’s the emotional side too. Having to go through a whole house of someone else’s lifetime possessions while grieving is a lot. Plus trying to work out what’s important, what isn’t, what can be thrown away without guilt.
I get that it’s their house and their stuff, and they can live how they want. I’m not trying to control that. But equally, it feels like they’re knowingly leaving a massive job for someone else when they don’t have to.

I’m not expecting minimalism or a spotless house, just a bit of consideration in not leaving everything untouched for decades and then handing it over as a problem later.

AIBU to think that’s selfish?

I have reduced my own possessions by 75% as not to leave a mess behind for DH and my DC.

I honestly don't know, hopefully there is enough to cover it, none of us want the headache but they're convinced we will want their stuff even though we've told them we won't. It makes no sense to us.

‘Dusty’ broken appliances. 🤣

I have a neighbour and a hoarder friend. She spends over £200 a week on stuff from charity shops and has 2 storage units full up costing £400 a month. one day her daughter will just have to clear the lot and deal with the loss of her mother. But it will all need checking as I know she has rare books worth several thousand and dresses from Dior and Chanel from the 1950's all buried in the mountains and heaps of clothes and shoes. A clearance company would earn good money just clearing this house if the items are not checked out.

Quite 😂. “If you offer kindly once more to take that broken crap old bread making machine to the tip, I’ll be disinheriting you!” 😂 😂

@wireymassive respect at how you’ve held your grace across 1800 votes.

If they know it will go in a skip and they don't mind, I'd accept that that is how they want to live, smile when you see them and try not to dwell on it and have this issue as the main focus when you see them. Please accept them as they are, even though as a tidy person it must be difficult. In a few year's time they won't be around. They probably had much less growing up and the "clutter " may be a form of comfort to them.
You can pay house clearance companies to save you the trouble when the time comes.

Yes I agree - this is on my own list to do.
thankfully my parents in their mid eighties are organised with paperwork.

Wirey, I have to thank you for starting this thread. It's like watching an episode of Hoarders in that it really gives me the cleaning and declutter bug. I've cleared out some more stuff and eldest is getting a couple things they love and will use.

When you get older, your stuff is like leaves and you're supposed to shed them in autumn.

I think it's inconsiderate to expect people in their 70s to live as if they are about to die in the next few months, purely to satisfy your own minimalist tastes.

They could easily live another 20 years in reasonable health.

I suppose same person it would be if the person had no relatives to do it.

But it doesn’t need checking, that’s a choice. The person who is next of kin is living without the second hand Chanel and Dior currently so can carry on living without it.

Agree.

Also, having gone through this with relatives we found it very hard to find clearance companies that didn't just use landfill, and actually sorted through items. The issue of hoarding and clearing clutter is so huge right now that most don't have the storage it takes to do a thorough recycling job. All the items our relatives thought they were saving for the next generation pretty much made it to landfill. Even the ones we did try and save.

The world has changed.

People massively over estimate what second hand stuff is worth, the clearance firms will be lucky to make £100 from most houses. As if anyone will want a dress that’s been sat in a hoarders pile, Dior label or not it won’t be in good condition! The only think I’d look for is any gold or silver jewellery that can be sold for scrap.

Thank you ❤

Some of the responses were so OTT they made me laugh 😂

You are welcome. Really glad it helped you.

I have also given items away now that people have wanted. It is more joy to give it to them now.

Whoever sorts your stuff out will thank you. We have no idea of how grief is going to affect someone and it is considerate to make things as easy as possible if possible.

Love the comment about our stuff like leaves being shedded in the autumn 🍂

Quite.

The only people I feel sorry for in this situation are the landlords if people die without anyone to take responsibility, or the relatives if there's no money in the estate to pay other people to do the work.

For the rest, it all comes down to money. If you want the money out of what might be in the loft then someone has to go through the loft. If you aren't worried about the money then you can auction the entire property as it stands and leave someone else to sort it.

I am sorry if people feel driven to sort through all the stuff their parents have left them and it makes coming to terms with their death harder for them. But as an older person I would, as I think is clear from my contribution to this thread 😆, be, at the least, annoyed at being reminded of my own impending mortality by anyone suggesting that I should make it easier on my death for them to identify what is and isn't valuable in my possessions.

Yes it is purely my minimalist tastes being satisfied by suggesting I get rid of broken dusty appliances.

They would definitely need those in their next 20 years of reasonable health.

Some people seem very frightened of being reminded about death. We all need to come to terms with it to a certain extent as it is inevitable. But how does holding on to endless amounts of stuff and clutter help?

It is like they say you can't take it you when you go (unless you want to be buried with it all I guess).

People hold on to clutter because it causes them emotional harm to get rid of it.

I'd wait until you get to your parents age before you start commenting about how you will feel about being in your end years and seeing your own children planning for the day you die.

And then expect their child who is now in their 70s to clear out a 5 bed house while grieving and trying to sort out a funeral and all the admin. That's not very considerate either. A bit of consideration on both sides would be ideal.

Except the child doesnt have to do any of that, they can just say no. Luckily the thought of inheriting a 5 bedroom house is usually enough of a balm to get them through though.

Perhaps more elderly people should start bequeathing their estates to charity? They seem more than happy to arrange for house clearances and sales.

Why does everyone assume older people are selfish when they don't do as commanded by their children?

Why is it selfish to keep their things with them while they're alive even if that makes you upset when they're dead? Why is it their job to protect you from upset?

Even one photograph might upset you so, really, I feel like it's not about the upset and more about your convenience.

When I'm old, I'm piling my stuff to the sky if I get even a whiff of entitlement to my belongings and all my cash will be going to a stray cat.

It's not all about money though. Inheriting money doesn't make grief magically disappear. Sorting out a parent's estate is an incredibly difficult thing to do even if you get money at the end of it. You can't just say no, I'm not doing it as it's just not that simple in real life.

A lot of people seem to think that if I throw out this little geegaw which I got from dear mama I'll forget her. No, you remember her as long as you have a memory and can recall her.
If you lose your memory and are gaga, a geegaw or ceramic duck "from bonnie blackpool' won't mean Jack to you.

My parents are massive hoarders. To the point that if you visit they clear you a seat on the sofa. Not the whole sofa - 1 seat!! Ive sat before now (years and years ago) with stuff piled higher than my head on either side of me scared to move in case I get buried.

From my point of view, its very selfish. With that amount of stuff the dirt accumulates along with grime and dust. You cant clean piles and piles of crap so they just don't bother. It means we rarely visit, as there is nowhere to sit or stand. They have no intention of changing so I have stopped trying. I worry about in their twilight years when their home is an absolute health hazard and they are old and doddery. What happens then? How do we care for them? Do I have to go in and clean it and face their wrath so that they can have home help if needed?

My child and my nieces don't visit their house for obvious reasons. My nearly three year old has been to their house once and was made to stand on the driveway.

They are in complete denial though, when other family come to visit they always engineer it so that everyone ends up back at my house. Theres been a couple of occasions when I didn't even know people were travelling 90 minutes to visit and they just ended up on my doorstep with my parents, oh can we come in? I had to cook and host all day and it completely derailed my weekend plans. Ive put a firm stop to that now, if you want guests you host. Don't even think about coming over uninvited!

The saddest bit is my husband comes from a huge family, and everyone goes home at Christmas to their childhood home, to their childhood rooms, and relives beautiful memories. Its bittersweet for me because whilst wonderful, I will never have that with my home. My child will never experience a sleepover at nannys house, because there is nowhere to fucking sleep!

Sorry that turned into a bit of a rant

It’s not their job to ‘by law’ - but it’s cruel parenting to knowingly subject your children to extra trauma when they are in grief. I’ll do anything I can in advance to lower the trauma to my children when I die. Because you know - it’s kind to do so.

Nothing to do with inheritance or money they might receive. You don’t feel less trauma at emptying your parents house just because you receive money after their death. It seems like a lot on this thread are manipulatively using the inheritance card to deflect from what is unkind behaviour to their children.