to think it’s inconsiderate to leave a lifetime of clutter for your kids to deal with when you die?

[wirey]

My parents are in their 70s, both in good health, fully capable, still active. This isn’t about illness, frailty or anything like that.

They have a 5-bedroom house absolutely rammed with stuff. I’m talking decades of things such as old paperwork, clothes, random items, things they haven’t used in years (some of it honestly feels like it’s been there 30–40 years untouched).

I’ve gently raised it a few times and offered to help them sort through it. Not in a pushy way, just suggesting we could do a bit at a time. Every time the response is basically “you can deal with it when we’re gone.”

I find that really unfair. It’s not even about the physical effort (although that will be huge), it’s the emotional side too. Having to go through a whole house of someone else’s lifetime possessions while grieving is a lot. Plus trying to work out what’s important, what isn’t, what can be thrown away without guilt.
I get that it’s their house and their stuff, and they can live how they want. I’m not trying to control that. But equally, it feels like they’re knowingly leaving a massive job for someone else when they don’t have to.

I’m not expecting minimalism or a spotless house, just a bit of consideration in not leaving everything untouched for decades and then handing it over as a problem later.

AIBU to think that’s selfish?

I have reduced my own possessions by 75% as not to leave a mess behind for DH and my DC.

But it’s the going through it all to find the important stuff that’s the hardest task.

I think it is unreasonable to expect people to get rid of their fond keepsakes as no one knows when they are going to die.

No-one is suggesting doing this in this thread, though.

Yes dusty broken appliances and condiments decades out of date will be bringing them so much comfort in their older years. They are constantly getting upset they can't find things. But it brings them so much comfort.

Yes the house clearance company do absolutely everything. They can even sort out all the paperwork!

No, true, it is a bit pointless keeping those!

With letters and cards, I'm definitely in the camp of keeping letters from loved ones forever (not that there are many new ones of those these days). Not so much the Christmas card from your milk delivery person or the fully-printed, non-personalised one from the dealership where you bought your car three years ago!

I still remember a thread where the OP was incredulous at the idea that she might remotely want to keep the birth congratulations cards that were sent to her DPs on her birth, which she found after they had died. Her reckoning was that they weren't even sent TO her and were pretty much on a par with pizza takeaway leaflets or ancient magazines. Each to their own, but I wouldn't dream of binning anything like that, personally.

Of course, letters from corporations about mundane stuff are a very different matter; but I suppose it doesn't help that we're advised/told to keep things like bills, bank statements, accounts stuff etc. for 6 or 7 years, 'just in case'. If you receive a junk letter about PPI claims, that can go straight in the recycling and job done; but if something important has already been stored away for 7 years, it's maybe not nearly as straightforward to remember and dig it out to bin it come the eighth year.

I'm not sure If be too happy if my kids started asking me to clear my stuff out to save them a job when I'm dead. Seems a bit tactless

Depends how you approach it. I have not long done it so i know it can be pretty easy.

My parents family home. I went in one day with my 2 siblings and we took what we wanted. We gave the rest of the family a weekend if they wanted to visit and take anything. Things like garden equipment and DIY equipment were offered to the gardener free of charge. Another neighbour asked if he could have the 2 metal sheds. My parents had the common sense to put everything legal paperwork wise in a briefcase which we took.

We then made the call to a company to either dispose of everything else, sell it or whatever they wanted with it. We obviously paid for the job out of parents estate.

Took me one visit to the house to meet my siblings and collect the things we wanted. A few more phone calls and it was all done.

Lovely but it is not like that for everybody. People have reported very different experiences. Sometimes it has taken months or years even.

Just because it was pretty easy for you does not mean it is pretty easy for everyone else.

I mean it is pretty tactless to ask to get rid of dusty broken appliances. How insensitive!

They are struggling to find things and ask me to help. I suggested getting rid of broken items to make it easier. How tactless of me.

A lot of these jobs are all about how hard you want to make them.

If you want to spend a lot of time moaning, huffing and puffing about how difficult it all is and moaning on the phone to people about it then it will be hard.

If you just want to, get on with it then it will be easy, espeically if you spend the time instead of using your energy moaning and complaining about it to just get on and do it.

For me after all my parents had done for me during their lives disposing of their stuff, arranging their funeral etc was a minor inconvenience. They would have had to be pretty mean to me during my lifetime in order for me to resent helping them out doing that final thing for them.

It is not always about how hard you want to make a job.

There was a world of difference between my MIL and FIL. MIL made it easy for DH because she thought it was selfish to leave him with all her mess and financial affairs to sort out. DH managed MIL's affairs easily. FIL left a mess, no will, paperwork missing or a mess. No approach could have made that it easy and it dragged on a long time. It was not a minor inconvenience for him.

Now you're going to sit them down in front of the TV to "educate" them?

Make sure you buy some of those things they used in Clockwork Orange to keep their eyes open and so they have to watch it.

Reference your comment above about about house clearers not doing the paperwork. No, but accountants, probate managers, solicitors and some banks will. Nobody with money in the estate or of their own is forced to do any of this stuff themselves.

I’ve said yanbu as it’s not very kind of them to dump it on you.

They want to enjoy their retirement and not have the anguish of deciding what to keep or chuck.

Yes. I do.

Ok fair enough but speaking from my own experience this is how it went. Surely when you ask if your parents are being unreasonable its fair for someone to point out they are being reasonable and to justify that comment with their own findings.

Maybe change you post next time to it being about your own ability to deal with it. Some can deal with these things in a black and white fashion, others understandably may find it more difficult.

The reality is that most people’s stuff is just junk in the grand scheme of things. Very few things are worth much, if anything. In fact, it costs more to clear than the value for many.

For every amazing vinyl collection, there are thousands of poor quality record collections that nobody wants. Or thousands of old magazines that nobody could care less about. Even old tea sets that may have once been seen as nice at one point are no longer of much interest to the average person. Very few people have a stunning Rolex or diamond collection.

I also think that hoarding is a symptom of a deeper problem that often goes along with various mental health problems. In my experience, hoarders tend to be quite miserable people but this could just be my experience.

If you feel you are getting nowhere with them, then leave them to it and, when the time comes, just pay the money to get a professional to gut the place.

How awful that I take someone's suggestion and watch a TV show with them. Don't worry I will tie them up and threaten them until they get rid of the dusty broken appliances. I will then call armed police.

Send me the link for the clockwork orange things.

You sound certain about money in the estate. I didn't know you had access to all the financial details.

Sorry I can no longer take this suggestion up as @Imdunfer said that is trying to educate them and I should order those things from Clockwork Orange to force their eyes open.

wiry - you are splendid and have hung on in there with wit, tenacity and patience. Loving your work! Sorry about the clutter and brick wall - very frustrating.

Wirey even!

Thank you. Nice to have some appreciation! ❤

I don't know if keeping your possessions until you die is necessarily selfish as long as everything is neat and orderly.
Hoarding situations are different in my opinion! All of the literature about Hoarding suggests it is a mental health condition, so where is the help for the sufferer and their family during their lifetime?
It boggles my mind that people are 'allowed' to stack their homes with entirely useless crap to the point it is an unsanitary fire hazard and nothing is done (unless the family manage to get a TV show interested in the situation! ).
If you are mentally unwell enough to be living like that services should be available to help (I know there isn't enough money before anyone jumps on me!) and families shouldn't be dealing with the hoarded homes of dead relatives.

They very likely aren't rich per se - but if they have a house that you will be selling, as you said, even modest houses tend to be worth a large amount of money.

But if none of you need the money and are already decently off, it's very simple for you, then: just go and take anything that you might happen to want and get professionals to clear the rest. I presume there must be at least enough equity in their house to cover that?

It is interesting isn't it? At work, we have the fire team come in and do reviews. We been told to get rid of excess paper, cardboard and to ensure easy access towards fire exits. We have to remove appliances that are not working.

They would be totally shocked at my parents house!

I have read every comment here. I still
don’t know why any decent person would not want to try to make their kids’ lives easier by reducing clutter. That doesn’t mean throwing out all your possessions and favourite keepsakes. It means chucking out the junk.

As I said before, I have done it for my parents in their 80s, and in our fifties we are already conscious of not leaving too much. I have already told my adult kids that they are free to get rid of everything when we die and they don’t have to hold on anything for the sake of it. I’m determined not to leave them with any kind of significant physical or emotional burden. It’s liberating for all of us.

Then again, I don’t shy away from talking about death. I guess in families where it’s taboo, that makes it more challenging.

Ridiculous comment.

There is some really OTT language and hyperbole on this thread. The OP has been talking about removing broken appliances, junk and clutter, not precious heirlooms.