to think it’s inconsiderate to leave a lifetime of clutter for your kids to deal with when you die?

[wirey]

My parents are in their 70s, both in good health, fully capable, still active. This isn’t about illness, frailty or anything like that.

They have a 5-bedroom house absolutely rammed with stuff. I’m talking decades of things such as old paperwork, clothes, random items, things they haven’t used in years (some of it honestly feels like it’s been there 30–40 years untouched).

I’ve gently raised it a few times and offered to help them sort through it. Not in a pushy way, just suggesting we could do a bit at a time. Every time the response is basically “you can deal with it when we’re gone.”

I find that really unfair. It’s not even about the physical effort (although that will be huge), it’s the emotional side too. Having to go through a whole house of someone else’s lifetime possessions while grieving is a lot. Plus trying to work out what’s important, what isn’t, what can be thrown away without guilt.
I get that it’s their house and their stuff, and they can live how they want. I’m not trying to control that. But equally, it feels like they’re knowingly leaving a massive job for someone else when they don’t have to.

I’m not expecting minimalism or a spotless house, just a bit of consideration in not leaving everything untouched for decades and then handing it over as a problem later.

AIBU to think that’s selfish?

I have reduced my own possessions by 75% as not to leave a mess behind for DH and my DC.

I hear you OP. My parents are the same. I am 50, they are mid 80s, and for at least a decade I've encouraged them to get rid of some clutter so they have more space and can organise current things easier. 4 bed house with garage and 2 attics. Some examples:

A whole filing cabinet of not useful things like brochures or paperwork from DGM's days (died over 20 years ago)
Odd things like a trunk, old rugs, clothes that DM wore before I was born
Books / notes from DM's early nursing days (1960s)
Just loads of old books that noone reads

It's not about having nice things. Things are not in a good condition, often dusty or broken, eg torn clothes. Worn furniture. Or packs of photos which are not labelled so not useful.

They don't use this stuff or look at it. DM is nearly blind and has dementia. has no awareness of the existence of her old books.

So it's only dad who can get rid of stuff now but it's never a priority - always has something else to do. And he admits it was awful sorting his own parents' stuff when they died. So instead of sorting through it all, he brought some of it back and it is still in the attic.

I must admit, it is a battle not to feel bitter. I will be heartbroken when they pass, and on top of that, I will have to deal with the whole house and its clutter. Alone, because my brother won't help, and dad knows this. And I already have a lot of stress in my life. So whenever I go and visit, I look round and feel despair.

This is where I disagree with you.
Labelling them as ‘selfish’ doesn’t help anyone. Is just raises resentment in you and doesn’t give any meaningful way forward, which you seem to want. I’m guessing there’s stuff from the past leading you to lean towards feeling like this. I’m feel for you for whatever that was.
can you take a step back and approach it like you would at work, just looking at the behaviour and where it’s coming from, to guide a way forward. Hoarders always have a reason, whether it’s psychological, behavioural or due to increasing difficulty with thinking and planning skills.

edited to correct typos

Nobody is forcing you to deal with the problem. It's entirely up to you whether you deal with it or not.

It'll be tedious to hear it again but you can choose not to get involved at all orv use professional house clearance or carry on moaning about it.

My husband just wanted to throw a lit match into his late mother's house.. luckily I was there & we got it cleared!

I do see OP’s point but I think some patience and understanding are called for. Personal circumstances as children may be at play, my mother was only young when WWII broke out, I think that’s why she kept stuff, she didn’t have much as a child and the uncertainty of life in wartime left scars.

Maybe a little discrete winnowing of the excess may help. Especially if you have sight of the will and can be careful not to throw out anything that is part of a bequest.

We downsized my mother twice, each time it was a nightmare. She was a hoarder, not to the point where you couldn’t get into rooms, but of books and lots of small and often useless items. The first time was the worst, as she wouldn’t engage early enough before moving. The second time was a little better. When she died, we still had a fair amount to go through but just chucking everything into a skip meant we would have missed out on items of interest, letters, stories, and family history.

Everyone is different, I have too much stuff but am trying to accept the need to start dispensing with some belongings, to make it easier.

They do own the house, the OP has said so. The OP was talking about clearing the house because they were dead, not any other situation. You're the one making things up, not me.

If it's going to be sold to fund care then paying a clearance company one month's care home fees to clear it isn't going to make diddly squat of difference.

I used the term people here rather than my parents. There are several posters who have mentioned how their parents laughed at them saying they will have to sort everything out even when they told their parents that they would find it difficult.

I don't feel resentment to people I do not know.

Sorry, I hadn’t seen the quote history.

DH felt the same when he cleared his DF's house. HIs DM's house was done very quickly as she had cleared and organised everything. DF's house was a cluttered mess. DF had tried to help his DF for years to go through it but he refused. His DF also complained a lot when he had to clear his own parents things!

My DMILs house was full of every receipt and letter sent for over 50 years, plus cupboards full of broken and out of date things. My DBILs wanted to skip everything, but I took all the paperwork home - it was all in boxes and one room thankfully- and went through it all, sorting into sections and date order.

50 years previously their DF had died intestate. After a lot of legal wrangling after his death which certainly left its mark on my late MIL, the house was held in trust with the eldest son. My sorting of the receipts for all the work his DM had done to maintain the property helped reduce his massive capital gains tax bill.

The whole family knew it would be difficult when clearing the house, but all the DCs pulled together well and got it done.

My advice is to not go through it but just throw it all away. I admit I feel disgust for people who clutter to this extent so I wouldn't want to be preoccupied with it for too long. I will keep a distance and then sell the house. All done.

You reduced your possessions by 75% when your parents are in their 70s? So you are 40s/early 50s? That's... a lot. Why are you so fixated on this?

Anyway, maybe buy them this subtle hint? ; )
https://amzn.to/4tWCoy4
I haven't read it but I've heard good things about it.

To be fair, how many of us nowadays will routinely end up keeping every letter and receipt too - but because they're all digital, we don't give it a moment's thought? Previous generations didn't have that convenience.

Will you also feel disgust at gaining a hefty share of hundreds of thousands of pounds from the sale of the disgusting people's house, or is that part of it not disgusting?

You think my parents are rich? Or that myself or any of my siblings even need their money? Absolutely deluded.

Agreed

True, but the OPs question is still a fair one about how inconsiderate it is to leave loved ones to clear a lifetime of mess because they can’t be bothered to sort it during their lifetime. My late MIL at least kept all her stuff together, but it was two full estate car loads of paperwork to take home to sort through. She had been retired for over 30 years and could have gone through all the obsolete stuff like owners manuals for stuff long gone, thousands of envelopes with shopping lists on, supermarket receipts…. The important stuff only filled one shoebox.

I agree OP, and have experienced first hand the amount of strain clearing up after the death of elderly relatives puts on people. I would not expect my children to carry that burden.

We've moved 7 times during our 40 year marriage, and each time I have a good clear out. I find it really cathartic. We're in the process of moving again, possibly our last move, and I've had another good clear out. Nothing will be going in the loft and we no longer have a garage, so there won't be too much clutter for the kids to deal with.

I was very thankful that my mum was still alive though in a nursing home when I had to clear her house and sell it. She gave full permission and was largely indifferent to wheat happened with stuff. Which surprised me. After taking essential stuff (250 miles away) and asking nearby cousins and brother to take what they wanted I found a firm that cleared into three categories, auction house, charity shop ( my mums choice of charity) and landfill. So the house was entirely empty when I put it on the market.
I think it is unreasonable to expect people to get rid of their fond keepsakes as no one knows when they are going to die. Part of us doesn’t believe we are going to die, not going to exist, it’s a bit insensitive to keep reminding them and just seeing it as a chore.

It doesn’t have to be one extreme or the other. Just reduce SOME of the clutter and definitely some of the ancient paperwork that takes ages to go through.

I’ve had to shred the original vasectomy letter from the consultant for a parent. “Dear X, I am
writing to confirm, you are now infertile, Best wishes, Dr Y”

🤦‍♀️

Does anybody who starts a topic mean they are fixated?

Yes but do receipts need to kept for bread and milk from 10 years ago? It is a bit late for a refund.

Have they ever watched a "Sort your life out!" type show? Maybe the advice coming from someone else might help them look at it differently. A lot of people will take the exact same advice from strangers that they've rubbished when it's coming from a close family member.

Thank you. That is worth a try. I will watch it with them!

I voted you are being unreasonable. In the grand scheme of things their posessions may be giving them comfort in their older years.

As long as they accept that when the time does eventually come you will be cold and decisive to reduce your workload. Take out whats important and pay a company to get rid of the rest.

That way everyone wins.