to think it’s inconsiderate to leave a lifetime of clutter for your kids to deal with when you die?

[wirey]

My parents are in their 70s, both in good health, fully capable, still active. This isn’t about illness, frailty or anything like that.

They have a 5-bedroom house absolutely rammed with stuff. I’m talking decades of things such as old paperwork, clothes, random items, things they haven’t used in years (some of it honestly feels like it’s been there 30–40 years untouched).

I’ve gently raised it a few times and offered to help them sort through it. Not in a pushy way, just suggesting we could do a bit at a time. Every time the response is basically “you can deal with it when we’re gone.”

I find that really unfair. It’s not even about the physical effort (although that will be huge), it’s the emotional side too. Having to go through a whole house of someone else’s lifetime possessions while grieving is a lot. Plus trying to work out what’s important, what isn’t, what can be thrown away without guilt.
I get that it’s their house and their stuff, and they can live how they want. I’m not trying to control that. But equally, it feels like they’re knowingly leaving a massive job for someone else when they don’t have to.

I’m not expecting minimalism or a spotless house, just a bit of consideration in not leaving everything untouched for decades and then handing it over as a problem later.

AIBU to think that’s selfish?

I have reduced my own possessions by 75% as not to leave a mess behind for DH and my DC.

Try and start the process as early as possible if they’re in good health.
I’ve just cleared my Mum’s 2 bed house (moving into a care home) and it was insane. Can’t believe how much stuff she hoarded over the last 5 decades or so.
We had a tight deadline to get out for the new buyers and the whole family had to work almost around the clock for 7 days straight.

I hired a house clearance firm when my Dad died recently. They were superb, charged far less than I’d expected and cleared the entire 4-bedroom absolutely rammed home in a day, with another half day for garage and shed. I spent a couple of days going through things there with my brother prior to the clearance. Honestly it was far less bother than I’d expected. Use a house clearance team when the time comes.

I’m currently clearing my dad’s two bed flat after clearing their 4 bed bungalow three years ago when mum died. It’s far easier to do after the person/people have died.
All the stuff at dad’s flat survived the initial sorting out.
But it’s easy to call stuff clutter when really to its owner it’s precious family memories. I have photo albums from the 1800s and have no idea who the people are - dad didn’t either - but they’ve been important enough to pass down through the generations.
I can’t keep everything but will save a sample for posterity. My kids will just know that they are relatives.

Just tell them that when they die the whole lot will be dumped in skips without looking through it. If they are happy with that then so be it.

I think they would find it overwhelming hence starting with easy stuff like broken appliances. I would clear them so it would be no stress for them. But they still say no.

If you are that petty, then I wouldn't want anything from your will.

They can leave it to whoever they want. I am not fussed.

Good job we're not related then, @wirey. You think I'm petty, I think you're overbearing in trying to impose your will. Are you like it in other relationships?

Yes it is so overbearing to suggest parents get rid of dusty broken appliances. I suggested it, they said no. Broken dusty appliances still remain.

I mean they should call the police on me because I was overbearing and trying to force my will. Can you call 999 on behalf of my parents please?

You've not just respected their decision and moved on though, have you @wirey ?

I’m exactly the same as you.

The dusty broken appliances are still there along with condiments decades out of date.

So how was their decision not respected?

Don't you need to call the police because I was overbearing and forcing my will on my parents for suggesting they get rid of dusty broken appliances?

It makes life so much easier, doesn't it? I will have birthday cards etc up for a few days then in the recycling they go. Unwanted gifts sold or donated. I get rid of things fast! House is so quick to clean now.

How's the moving on part of respecting their views going, @wirey?
After all, you seem pretty pissed off that they want to live how they like in their own home.

I feel your pain, im 60, my parents are in their 80’s and been in their current home since I was 6. I know their loft is bursting.

I’ve asked them to try and dejunk but it falls on deaf ears. My own DH passed a while ago and I’ve been ousting our crap ever since. I want the loft empty apart from Christmas decorations and I’ve written a notebook of things DC might want to sell or keep etc that have value.

I try and throw five things a day away at the moment. Our tip has a reuse section that goes to a local charity shop and I take a lot of stuff there and it’s sold to help local charities.

Could you post the photos onto Ancestry.com etc?
Seems a shame that these people are lost forever (yes, i know we all are.)

Took my husband and I a year to clean out his mum’s house. Every weekend - every long weekend. Obviously I knew her but cleaning out stuff, meant I got to know her in another way. What an interesting lady but I would say it was hard work and I keep very little now as I just don’t want my daughter to have to do anything like that for me! (Saying that I kept her baby hair etc) she can decide what she wants to do with it when she is old enough and chuck it out! My mum gave me my hair and baby teeth when I was 21 - hmm it was worth a little look and then straight in the bin!

I understand where you’re coming from OP . My DBs parents in law died within 6 months of each other . They were only in their late sixties and the house was full. Sister in law and her siblings spent about a month clearing it all out . They were heartbroken at losing both parents and clearing the house devastated them . Afterwards she had a big clear out in her own house as she didn’t want their son to go through that when she and my brother died . As it happens she did die a few years later but luckily my DB is still going strong in the same minimalist house .

How about another approach? ‘Oh mum, did you know you can get some money for that X. Do you want me to sort it for you’?

If they agree, you could arrange for a scrap metal merchant to pick the appliances up and bump up what they give you. Or just arrange to get rid and give them £20 out of your own pocket pretending there was a sale?

Its basically how Vinted is helping low level hoarders start clearing their house, incentive.

We are still clearing out DHs deceased relatives house. She died nearly two years ago. She wasn't married, had no kids and was of the generation where everything was kept to be reused (envelopes, yogurt pots etc). Old photos of my FIL and their family have been found in the stangest of places, so we can't just tip things out. It's getting to the point now where we just want to bulldoze it down as it's been so frustrating.
Along with MILs will being a bit of mess, we've agreed to clear out as much as we can, make sure the kids know where any documents are and do any gifting/signing over in very good time - it's the least we can do at a very difficult time.

I had a health scare recently and already had these sort of "nesting" urges to get things organised in the house in case the worse happened (it didn't and i'm fine thankfully!).

Having said all that, the relative was quite old and was poorly for the last 2 months or so, so couldn't declutter even if she tried. It does just happen like that sometimes.

There are some very touchy people who would disinherit their DC just because they suggested getting rid of broken appliances on this thread.

Thought you didn't mind who they leave it to?🤣

They sound very selfish, but unfortunately I don't know what you can do if they refuse to get rid of it.Some people are in denial i think.
Hopefully you could make some money from some of the items to compensate for all your hard work...

I think it is selfish for people to deliberately leave a mess for others especially if they are able to sort it themselves.

2 years is a really long time. I am not sure how you keep going when it is taking that long.

Sorry about your health scare 💐