to think it’s inconsiderate to leave a lifetime of clutter for your kids to deal with when you die?

[wirey]

My parents are in their 70s, both in good health, fully capable, still active. This isn’t about illness, frailty or anything like that.

They have a 5-bedroom house absolutely rammed with stuff. I’m talking decades of things such as old paperwork, clothes, random items, things they haven’t used in years (some of it honestly feels like it’s been there 30–40 years untouched).

I’ve gently raised it a few times and offered to help them sort through it. Not in a pushy way, just suggesting we could do a bit at a time. Every time the response is basically “you can deal with it when we’re gone.”

I find that really unfair. It’s not even about the physical effort (although that will be huge), it’s the emotional side too. Having to go through a whole house of someone else’s lifetime possessions while grieving is a lot. Plus trying to work out what’s important, what isn’t, what can be thrown away without guilt.
I get that it’s their house and their stuff, and they can live how they want. I’m not trying to control that. But equally, it feels like they’re knowingly leaving a massive job for someone else when they don’t have to.

I’m not expecting minimalism or a spotless house, just a bit of consideration in not leaving everything untouched for decades and then handing it over as a problem later.

AIBU to think that’s selfish?

I have reduced my own possessions by 75% as not to leave a mess behind for DH and my DC.

We had a skip when we had our kitchen redone and the contents don't go to landfill. The skip company sorts through what is in there to separate recycling and waste.

100% correct.

Parents in this country are not compelled to live the lifestyle their children want them to have.

Children in this country are not compelled to clean up any consequences of their parents lifestyle after their death.

This is the way it should be, and in fact the only way it can be. Unless you believe things like children should bear the consequences of their parents actions.

Yep selfish AF , get them the Swedish death cleaning book

But the OP will still need to clear the property for the finance company before the house can be sold to clear the debt.

No she won't. How do you think the finance company would enforce that against the OP? They have no contract with her and she owes them no obligations. The finance company will formally call up its debt, same as a lender does with any lifetime defaulting mortgage, and sell the house.

If there is money left over after repaying the debt, the cost of the clearance comes out of that before it's distributed to the debtor or debtor's representatives.

Yes, OP, your parents are indeed selfish. I am in my 70s & am appalled by this. I regularly reduce my possessions & de-clutter. I really try to avoid buying anything new except replacing essential items. It is rather sad, thinking of my collectibles, that I like, but will my children? Probably not.

Absolutely this - just hire a house clearance company to get rid of the lot. It’s so selfish to leave the next generation to deal with your rubbish.

my mum isn’t exactly a hoarder, but she’s sentimental and has a lot of nick nacks, souvenirs and photo albums. Also years of paperwork…
When my two sets of grandparents died she also took in lots of their china, photo albums etc…

tbh the idea of getting rid of any of this makes her sad. And I’ve told her that if it helps her to feel she still has it, put it in the attic, and I’ll deal with it later. It’s rammed up there and every cupboard in the house is full, but the process of decluttering would upset her so if it brings her comfort then I’m fine with it.

my siblings and I will go through it, binning the majority, or hire house clearers….
for me it’s not worth the upset it would cause her now….

Me too. I have already cleared my collections from the attic, all went to auction, what is left is for Dd to decide what she wishes to keep or get rid of. I am.constantly going through draws, wardrobes and cupboards paring everything down.

Maybe make the task smaller / more manageable rather than thinking about large scale decluttering. Try to take the emotion / morbidness out of it.

You could start with broken appliances - or get them to try out a repair cafe if they think the broken appliances are repairable.

I wonder if there are fashion museums that might be interested in your grandmother's clothes.

Why don’t you tell them what you have said on here?

Totally I'm glad my dad moved the retired flat as he had a sort out then for rid of more when he got to the flat.

My in-laws passed within quite a short time of each other so although one had the intention of starting to declutter when the other passed, they never got the chance. The result was it took us over a year to go through their house and even then we had to call in a clearance company at the end. They had pretty much every type 70s/80s gadget going (we even found one of those enormous home sun-beds buried in the attic!) and, for reasons best known to them, thought that it was essential to hang on to the complete service history of a car they owned in the 70s 😂. I’m determined that our son won’t have to deal with anything like that!

If you had that conversation with me I would cut you out of my will so you wouldn't have the problem

Put it in your will that your collectibles are to be auctioned (ebay or auction house) and they will go to somebody who wants them.

I'm close to your age and there's no bloody way I'm going to stop buying things I want to save somebody else the problem of dumping them!

I think sorting the paperwork out so that it can easily be taken away and dealt with is an essential. However I disagree about the material things. When I had to clear my parents house I didn't do it immediately. I removed all the paperwork and then invited my close relatives down to choose some items they might like to keep. It was surprising what people chose and had memories about. I'm sure neither myself or my parents would have guessed that my niece wanted an old school bell she had played with as a child and my biker brother wanted the bow tie my dad wore with his evening suit!
Left to my own decisions I would have thrown both items away.
Having had a week of relatives visiting and choosing their items, I then let an auction firm in to clear the lot ( my parents did have some quality furniture and other items so the auction proceeds paid off the house clearance).

I think it’s wrong of your parents not to make an effort to clear out some of their stuff.

At least you will have time to clear things. When my da died (sheltered housing) we were given a week to clear his flat, or would have had to pay an additional £500 a week to retain the property - with a limit on how many weeks we could have. He was a hoarder, and whilst I would have lived to go through for s metal items it just wasn’t possible. Grabbed a few bits I found, gave the books to a specialist library (they collected), and the rest went to a clearance company.

I constantly get rid of stuff, sell or give away, i hate clutter and junk. over the years i have had to clear 2 houses totally full of junk. i got friends over and we sorted items, anything valuable was sold, other items to charity shops and then the 4 skips. most charity shops now are full up and dont want items, a big skip is over 600 quid, so i take items to the council dump when i can.

My parents split up and got with other people so clearing their things is not my problem. Would it be nice to have access to stuff from my childhood? Of course, but I've done without it for the past twenty years so would be difficult to argue that I actually need it. And I don't have any descendants to pass things down to so it's all going to landfill one day anyway.

As the OP's parents are fine with everything going in a skip there's no need for them to curate anything. Just let them enjoy their lives without having to worry about decluttering. It's not going to be fun either way, so you may as well put it off as long as you can.

Best not to expect anything of others. If they prefer not to sort things out that’s their choice. Maybe they will decide to leave their possessions and wealth to a charity, then you won’t have the bother.

Perhaps they don't own the house? Perhaps it will be sold because one or both of them needs to fund care? Perhaps you could not make so many assumptions...

Absolutely. If my DC said they were going to dump my things in a skip without looking at them I might be inclined to leave my 5 bedroomed house to someone else.

My dc can dump everything in a skip if they want.

if there's anything valuable or sentimental I want them to have I should have sorted that. Expecting them to sort through a lifetime of junk is unreasonable.

what would get them disinherited is if they started telling me I needed to get rid of most of my belongings, because I am going to die soon and they cba to skip it all when they inherit the house.

I could not give a hoot if my kids dumped everything in my house in a skip. I’d be quite proud if they did. It’s my shit, not theirs. I also care not how they choose to dispatch me.

As I said upthread, I dumped/donated 99% of my parents’ belongings. I wasn’t going to bring it home to clutter up my house or loft.

Me and my husband and man with a van have just moved my mum and she has bags of stuff from her 3 bedroom house to a 2 bedroom flat with less storage. If she died tomorrow I would probably go through and bin most of her clothes as she has far too many and most wont suit me or fit in my house. They find it hard I know but maybe just keep trying to help them downsize.