to think it’s inconsiderate to leave a lifetime of clutter for your kids to deal with when you die?

[wirey]

My parents are in their 70s, both in good health, fully capable, still active. This isn’t about illness, frailty or anything like that.

They have a 5-bedroom house absolutely rammed with stuff. I’m talking decades of things such as old paperwork, clothes, random items, things they haven’t used in years (some of it honestly feels like it’s been there 30–40 years untouched).

I’ve gently raised it a few times and offered to help them sort through it. Not in a pushy way, just suggesting we could do a bit at a time. Every time the response is basically “you can deal with it when we’re gone.”

I find that really unfair. It’s not even about the physical effort (although that will be huge), it’s the emotional side too. Having to go through a whole house of someone else’s lifetime possessions while grieving is a lot. Plus trying to work out what’s important, what isn’t, what can be thrown away without guilt.
I get that it’s their house and their stuff, and they can live how they want. I’m not trying to control that. But equally, it feels like they’re knowingly leaving a massive job for someone else when they don’t have to.

I’m not expecting minimalism or a spotless house, just a bit of consideration in not leaving everything untouched for decades and then handing it over as a problem later.

AIBU to think that’s selfish?

I have reduced my own possessions by 75% as not to leave a mess behind for DH and my DC.

I’d tell them the whole lot will be cleared by a house clearance company so if they wouldn’t mind pointing out any valuables for future reference!

The OP has mentioned doing quite a lot for her parents, including trying to find things in the house at their request. How can it possibly be overstepping the mark to offer to help with decluttering in those circumstances?

Our plan is to downsize in our early 70’s and thats when we will get rid of masses

as the children leave home (one lives in v small house, 1 rents and 1 lives here) we will go through attics and bedrooms and get rid of their stuff

It is getting rather boring, isn't it? 😂

If your parents are hoarders then you'll get better advice here by asking how to help them with that than complaining about having to clear their house when they die. It's not a simple thing to stop hoarding, there will be complex emotions and probably mental health issues or ND behind it. Be kind to them not judgmental, don't get hung up on your Mum 'joking' about leaving it all to you, and accept that this is really hard for them. I'd also say from your multiple posts on this thread that just because you've gone to the other extreme with your minimalism preparation for death doesn't mean you're less likely to be ND or have mental health issues than your parents. So you might not be the best person to try and help them reduce the clutter and it might be better to see you have another relative who could help or if they would cope with a professional (maybe talk to a professional yourself to see if they can give you advice even if your parents won't talk to them).

Mind has useful resources about helping hoarders. Concentrate on safety, if they have mice have a discussion about what could be done to deal with them, work on making the kitchen and bathroom usable and that there are safe paths to the front door. Don't tell them their things are junk, if they have lots of toasters then say 'which one is the one you want to keep?' not 'lets get rid of the broken ones'. You have to be led by them and what they can cope with, tidying without their permission may upset them and make them worse.

My mum lived quite a 'light' life re possessions, but it still took months to sort her out because of the emotions involved. Furniture was donated to charity if possible, passed on to anyone who needed it or given away via FB. Personal possessions harder, only now am I going through the 30 or so boxes that have been in my loft for 4 years.

I certainly am reducing my 'stuff' so as not to leave that responsibility on my DC. A parent saying that they are leaving it to you to deal with is not very kind imo.

I would say, if you have siblings, make a hiring skip fund and clearance company fund. To make sure they are on board with clearing everything. And keep it separately.
one problem can be other rellies deciding they’d love to have x,y,or z. You then need to find and keep said item until they come for it.

Just keep some phone numbers of charities, house clearers handy. It’s prob not as bad as you think - in my case everything went to charity, recycling, dump done, DB and SIL helped.

No. What is inconsiderate is expecting someone else to live their life for your convenience.

Clearing out houses is easy and relatively inexpensive.

If someone has a big house they are leaving then they are normally going to leave a large inheritance. If even a fraction of that is spent on skips and house clearance it will still leave a lot of money.

And no-one has to clear up anyone elses things. It is perfectly possible to walk away and leave it to someone else to do the job if it is not financially worthwhile.

Well that's what I was thinking. This thread is making less and less sense to me🤔

When my uncle was diagnosed with pancreatic cancer, my aunt gave away all his winter coats, because he had such a short life expectancy. Then he lived an extra two years and had to buy new!

You can't predict how soon people will go, and many of them don't want to let go of things they still want need...

You can't predict how soon people will go, and many of them don't want to let go of things they still want need...

Nobody has suggested anyone gets rid of things they need. My parents do not need broken dusty appliances or condiments decades out of date.

Is there any chance your parents have already reached the point where thinking about arranging to get these old appliances collected already feels too challenging, so they just ignore it/them? Could this be part of it? Have they given up any other activities?
How would they react to you taking control, booking removal and taking time to be there to manage it on the day? It may still be scary for them but reassurance you won’t be removing anything else may help.

I am not sure what it is. I have said I can take the broken appliances to be recycled. So they don't have to do anything. I would only take what they wanted me to with their permission. If it is too challenging, I don't know why. They have to keep moving things they don't need trying to find things.

They don't want me to take control. They say leave it or do it when we are dead.

This thread has inspired me to clean out my study!

They say leave it or do it when we are dead.

It's time to put your listening ears on, OP.
It's frustrating, annoying, exhausting and doesn't make any sense that they won't tackle the issue but they won't and can't, and the best thing you can do is accept that, and set some boundaries for yourself, eg refuse to help them find things.

What is inconsiderate is expecting someone else to live their life for your convenience.

Because I suggested throwing out dusty broken appliances because they struggle to find things?

Clearing out houses is easy and relatively inexpensive.

How much for a 5 bed house filled with stuff and two garages?

If someone has a big house they are leaving then they are normally going to leave a large inheritance.

Do you know my parents finances?

I think you are right. I am not going to help find things anymore and will stay quiet when they don't know where things are.

Been there with 95yr old grandpa, refused any help with clearing, 3 bed house full of crap, minutes from meetings in the 70s, books specific to his job that has obviously moved on since 50s, all went in the skip bar a tea set and one box of photos, it was exhausting and took weeks.

it's good for everyone to have regular clear out of lofts and things.

But almost impossible for some for a multitude of reasons.

DM has her own clutter, plus clutter from her parents house and my Dad's parents house.

She laughs about it and says "ooh you'll have your work cut out after I'm gone!"

I work full time and have health issues. I find it difficult sometimes keeping on top of my own home. Sister lives abroad and would be unlikely to help. It's going to be a mammoth job for me to sort out. DM just chuckles and says it'll keep me out of mischief!

I have broached the subject and suggested we could start throwing the obvious junk away a bit at a time but she refused and claims it's all useful.

DD is thinking about going to university and DM keeps saying it won't cost anything to get her kitted out as she's got loads of stuff up the loft. I don't want to send DD away with years old cutlery, crockery, bedding etc., that belonged to my grandparents and has been festering up in the attic for years.

A few posters have mentioned that their parents are laughing and thinking it is funny that their children will have deal with their clutter.

When I reminded my DM once of how she complained when she cleared her own DM's flat full of clutter, she said I had to so you have to.

sounds selfish, and she's proud of the fact she's got all that stuff and making comments about. you having to sort it. Weird.

To be honest, if that’s what it takes to get the loft cleared, I’d take it ‘for DD’ and take it straight to the tip. Annoying but you might be able to get DD to help and then that is some clearing stated at least.

It's obvious you've never had to clear a house. You can't know that at the bottom of a seemingly innocuous box of stuff, there isn't paper work from some additional building society savings accounts you didn't even know your relative had, with 10's of thousands if pounds in.

An aged relative in our family passed and when sorting through his home we gradually found paperwork for no fewer than 13 separate accounts with varying amounts of money in the, totalling 100's of thousands of pounds. He lived in an extremely modest 2 bedroomed home and grumbled constantly about the price of things in the shops, did not go on holiday and lived very, very frugally. We all assumed he must only have a small amount to live on and small savings, if any.

Its easier said than done, not bothering sorting through the house when someone dies.

Its very selfish when people leave a mess - they simply didn't want the work of doing it themselves so have burdened others with the task.