to think it’s inconsiderate to leave a lifetime of clutter for your kids to deal with when you die?

[wirey]

My parents are in their 70s, both in good health, fully capable, still active. This isn’t about illness, frailty or anything like that.

They have a 5-bedroom house absolutely rammed with stuff. I’m talking decades of things such as old paperwork, clothes, random items, things they haven’t used in years (some of it honestly feels like it’s been there 30–40 years untouched).

I’ve gently raised it a few times and offered to help them sort through it. Not in a pushy way, just suggesting we could do a bit at a time. Every time the response is basically “you can deal with it when we’re gone.”

I find that really unfair. It’s not even about the physical effort (although that will be huge), it’s the emotional side too. Having to go through a whole house of someone else’s lifetime possessions while grieving is a lot. Plus trying to work out what’s important, what isn’t, what can be thrown away without guilt.
I get that it’s their house and their stuff, and they can live how they want. I’m not trying to control that. But equally, it feels like they’re knowingly leaving a massive job for someone else when they don’t have to.

I’m not expecting minimalism or a spotless house, just a bit of consideration in not leaving everything untouched for decades and then handing it over as a problem later.

AIBU to think that’s selfish?

I have reduced my own possessions by 75% as not to leave a mess behind for DH and my DC.

The broken appliances and condiments decades out of date are not precious items.

I have no joy in remembering these items now or after they have died and will not find it fascinating,

How on earth did you draw that conclusion? MN is fully batshit.

Did I write this 20 years ago???? My DM is mid 90s and used to keep warning my sister and I of the mountain of stuff waiting for us to sort. I think it was disrespectful of her to expect that of us. I would say to at least sort the photos.

Now Mum has dementia so recognizing who is in the photos is too late. I think it is a shame that grandchildren and great grandchildren will never be able to see pics of their past.

My sister is in the opposite camp and says I should not say that it is “just junk” - but I have been visiting 6-8 times a year for a couple of years. We could have done some sorting during that time to make the home less of a trip hazard and easier to clean. Stuff has little value these days, maybe things like my father’s school reports from the early 1940s could go to the local archives but mugs, tea towels and even cut glass who wants it???

Since retiring I am working through my own years of clutter. It is not helped by us not needing to move or downsize. I also have a big attic that is easy to access so is easy to use as a dumping ground. It is an effort but every black bag booted from the house makes me happy.

There are things that have been nice to save - it is lovely to see the current generation playing with all the Sylvanians and the Brio train set that I hoarded. The babies play with the Tupperware shape sorter.

So I empathize but have no answer. The only thing is that we can learn from previous generations and take responsibility of our own possessions.

They do not need to be 'gently reminded' ie chivied into preparing for deaths that may be 20 years or more in the future.

Because I said to get rid of the dusty broken appliances? How is this gently reminding or being chivied into preparing for death?

I’ve cleared two houses - my parents’ and ILs’. Both were a distance away. Hired a van and took valuables on one day. House clearance for the rest. Honestly, it wasn’t too bad at all and meant they could live as they wanted until they died. At their ages and with their health, it would have been much tougher for them. It’s part of the process and I couldn’t resent doing it for someone I love. Shed a few tears and kept some things they probably would never have thought I would have wanted too.

Our bank holiday Monday plans have fallen through - this thread has inspired me to get up in the loft today and have a good clear out!

Being in your 70s and being reminded how few years you probably still have left is rarely a pleasant experience, never mind having it made very clear that your offspring are looking towards that event (not looking forward to it, necessarily!) and actively planning for it.

I never did any reminding or making it clear that I am looking towards that event or planning for it. DM complained a lot when she had to clear her own DM's flat and said she was selfish.

They asked me where was all my stuff when they visited. I said I have got rid of most of it to make it easier for DH/DC when I die. DM said she found it hard when she had to clear her own parents stuff. I didn't then say why don't you clear your stuff?

I am not sensitive about dying. I know some people are and that is fine. I don't want to leave a mess for DH/DC.

Why else would you be suggesting that they're cleared out when your parents are quite happy to give them house room?

And you've said yourself on here, that IS what you are doing, and they aren't stupid.

Because it's odd behaviour? Most people don't give house room to useless stuff that's obviously unfixable and can't have any sentimental or artistic value. Seems a perfectly normal reaction to me - 'Oh, that's broken. That's a shame. The council has a recycling scheme now for small electrical items. I could drop if off at the collection point on my way home.'

When moving house, i photograph things i want to shed but have a memory of. It helps
I can look at the photo and remember

Fwiw

But what business is it of anyone to suggest to anyone else that they throw out something they have happily given house room to? What it is is irrelevant. It's the presuming that you have any sort of right to even suggest it in someone else's home.

And in any case, the question the OP asked and I was answering, was why they would interpret that as preparing for their death, when she's made it quite clear on this thread that that is exactly what she was doing!

When I decluttered my parents house when they were around 80, they were so grateful afterwards. Initially they were a bit anxious. They didn’t think they had much rubbish but when they saw how much stuff we removed, they were astounded. They were happy to get rid of lots of unworn clothes and they discovered old photos.

The side effect of the whole process was that after six months, they decided to have their entire house redecorated. Before it had seemed an insurmountable task in terms of prep. But then they realised that they could actually have a nice house for the rest of their years and it was all nicely repainted! And another effect was that they started inviting people to their house more as it was no longer a house of junk. These two effects alone have made it worth it for their mental health, never mind that it will help my workload when they die.

They asked me where was all my stuff when they visited.

Are you an ex-hoarder @wirey?

People seem to be deliberately misreading the OP. She's not gone in to her parents and said "I want to get rid of your stuff so it's easier when you die".

She started the conversation about maybe getting rid of old rubbish, now, while they're here.

This would have the consequences of benefiting them: the house would be more liveable, have more space, make it easier to prepare for any change of plans (eg downsizing or redecorating), and start what would probably be a long and protracted job.

The parents are the ones who have said the only time this will happen is when they die. So of course OP is now thinking about the job it will be when they die, because that is the time that the parents have stipulated she's allowed to do it... without them and their input.

OP has seen how much of a job it was for her DM when she was left with the same job and is now trying to reconcile her parents deliberately giving her a job they know is unpleasant while they're grieving, when she's offered to help now. And it's not because the old bottles of sauce have precious memories attached, despite many posters' insistence it must be the case.

I've suggested to my relatives that the boxes of VHS tapes they can't watch any more and dont care about should be recycled, along with manuals for appliances they threw out decades ago.

Because that's generally a good, practical thing to do, especially when they're short of space for things they actually need - not because I'm reminding them of their death or depriving them of cherished possessions.

My mother did a big declutter at one point.
When she died my father allowed me to sort some of her clothes for my DIL grandmother who had nothing after a house fire.

When he died it took me weeks to go through the paperwork alone my mother filed, bank statements and insurance policies, everything kept going back 30 years. Dad added to the pile by not even opening bank statements so I had the added issue of opening everything just incase it was needed for probate.

My brother did nothing but stomp around the bungalow demanding that he had various items and that in-fact some furniture was actually his because he bought it for when he moved from his flat in the future (he wanted to move back into the family home until the solicitor explained this wasn’t viable). This I knew because my father moaned about the bureau and display case frequently and my brothers intention.

House clearance isn’t cheap even after selling some furniture, charity shops are very fussy so that was a waste of time.

My brother still hasn’t moved and although he removed his furniture out eventually on the day of the clearance I noticed it was all back! He decided he didn’t need them after all! Dad would have been furious.

It was really stressful for two years of clearing, cleaning, house selling and paperwork. I totally see where you’re coming from on this.

I have warned my son what to expect, he will have our property, my brothers and my cousin (who is in a nine bedroom house at the moment with 18 cats!!)

The long and short of it is that I realise that stuff is just stuff.
My intention is to let my children know the few things I hold important and why. Then they can make an informed choice. I want them to know they have my blessing to get rid of anything they don't want guilt free, even the important things.
I intend that they will know where my "important" things are, and that my paperwork is all together so they don't need the anxiety of feeling they need to go through things with a fine tooth comb in case they accidentally get rid of something they shouldn't.
I want to make a point of letting them know something of my life, and their family, and where they come from, whether this be verbally or written down, so there aren't lots of unanswered questions when I'm no longer here.
It is beyond me why parents wouldn't want this for their children. I think its disrespectful of their childrens time and energy to do otherwise. I don't want to be a burden. I think getting your affairs in order is an act of love for your children.
If this hasn't been done for you by your parents, I think the best thing is to accept there must be reasons or trauma or fear of scarcity or whatever, and make a decision to do things differently yourself.

Why are you equating getting rid of dusty broken appliances with chivvying for death? They regularly cannot find things and ask me to look for them. So I suggested clearing a few things.

No. I had quite a but of stuff I no longer needed but it wasn't difficult to find anything or access wasn't blocked.

Thank you for assessing the situation correctly. You expressed it better than me!

OP said They asked me where was all my stuff when they visited. I said I have got rid of most of it to make it easier for DH/DC when I die

OP's parents are in their 70s so OP could be as young as in her 30s or at most 50s. Obviously we all die but unless one knew for certain death was imminent getting rid of possessions at those ages for that reason seems a bit extreme.

If you are unhappy doing it, get somebody in an pay them.

Thank you. I don't think anyone has suggested that so far.

623 posts on the thread and every three or four posts someone says 'Just get a clearance company'. So original!

I agree with you my Dad 80 is slowly offering things away, donating to charity or binning. There will still be a lot left but he recognises it needs tp begin.

It's a difficult conversation to have, my parents had separated before they died, My mother seemed to take comfort in being surrounded by wardrobes of unworn clothes kitchen tools, knick knacks, old vinyl records, 50 year old Christmas and birthday cards, so much pointless clutter. The attic was chock a block with 50 years worth of unused/unusable junk. It was hellish clearing her house whilst coping with grief and funeral arrangements. Dad on the other hand cleared everything down to the absolute bare minimum needed for his comfort. It took one day to sort out compared to the gut wrenching fortnight of emotional trauma at mums. I think very carefully about what I bring into my house, it's easy for me though, I hate clutter. I could never put my children through all of that .