to think it’s inconsiderate to leave a lifetime of clutter for your kids to deal with when you die?

[wirey]

My parents are in their 70s, both in good health, fully capable, still active. This isn’t about illness, frailty or anything like that.

They have a 5-bedroom house absolutely rammed with stuff. I’m talking decades of things such as old paperwork, clothes, random items, things they haven’t used in years (some of it honestly feels like it’s been there 30–40 years untouched).

I’ve gently raised it a few times and offered to help them sort through it. Not in a pushy way, just suggesting we could do a bit at a time. Every time the response is basically “you can deal with it when we’re gone.”

I find that really unfair. It’s not even about the physical effort (although that will be huge), it’s the emotional side too. Having to go through a whole house of someone else’s lifetime possessions while grieving is a lot. Plus trying to work out what’s important, what isn’t, what can be thrown away without guilt.
I get that it’s their house and their stuff, and they can live how they want. I’m not trying to control that. But equally, it feels like they’re knowingly leaving a massive job for someone else when they don’t have to.

I’m not expecting minimalism or a spotless house, just a bit of consideration in not leaving everything untouched for decades and then handing it over as a problem later.

AIBU to think that’s selfish?

I have reduced my own possessions by 75% as not to leave a mess behind for DH and my DC.

"they have at least 10 years in front of them"

No offence, and I hope for OP's sake that you're right, but how do you know they will live till their 80s?

Seriously... you're not coming across well op.

I don't think you understood my post...I'm getting tired of your posts...

Yes, she is. She's asking very normal questions. I think a few have been triggered who are hoarders themselves.

And actually not that many people need care, though to read threads on here you would think it was most of the old folk.

Quite possible but so what.

She comes across like she does not like her parents particularly, which is fine not everyone does.

People suggest solutions and she is just dismissive or rude which isn't necessary - just appears to want everyone to agree to with her and say how terrible it all is..

How do you "ensure" that other people "get therapy"?

If you could let me know that would be hugely appreciated. It's much needed with my family member but I thought I had exhausted all avenues.

My Dad is constantly saying to me you don't have to rush sorting out my house you can take your time. (He doesn't have a lot of stuff) I just nod. He lives the other side of the country to me. I will make 1 trip to grab anything I want and the rest will be a house clearance.
My inlaws house is crammed with stuff and they know it but they think its all worth money, its not. I'll be ordering a skip for their house.

This is not true. Not many people end up in a care home. But m many people need care and they have it at home. Four carers a day for one hour visits, is often more expensive than being in a care home. The majority who do not end up in a care home are getting free, soul destroying care from (mainly female) adult children. Who have usually run their lives for them for years so that to outsiders it seems like they are independent, when they are not. And as life expectancy has increased, but HEALTHY life expectancy has not increased, more people than ever are needing care or end up in a care home.

79% of people do think it’s terrible

My DM was a hoarder - not too extreme but definitely had tendancies. When she passed away a few years ago, the last thing she said to me was "please don't throw all of my things away".

It nearly killed me sorting out her house. She didn't hoard rubbish, but rather "nice" things, so it felt even worse throwing things away. We're talking 50 duvet covers, some still in the packets because they were "too nice" to use. Ornaments everywhere. Thousands and thousands of photographs. Bookshelves crammed with books. So many craft supplies. This was in a 3 bed terraced house with a loft (full), two sheds and a greenhouse.

I tried so hard to be respectful and gave as much of it to charities etc that I knew she'd approve of, but it took me 2 months to sort and by the end I did have to throw a lot of stuff away. I had no choice, I just couldn't do it any longer. And I couldn't afford to have someone come and do it for me, plus the guilt would've been unreal. She always said she'd hate anyone doing that, so I felt that I couldn't.

I kept so much of it too. We've recently moved house and I'm feeling massively overwhelmed by our own things, plus hers on top. She also kept loads of her DM's and her MIL's clothes, jewellery, ornaments, etc. I had no problem donating the clothes and ornaments, but now I've got three huge plastic boxes full of jewellery in my shed and it makes me anxious just thinking about it.

I'm determined not to leave too much for my DC to deal with. It made me resent DM and even now when I think about her, sometimes I think about all of her things and how it nearly drove me insane dealing with it all. That's not the way I want to remember her, tbh.

Both dgms spent time in a care home as did my dggm right at the end when she was over 100. My dgfs both died earlier, but one was already living downstairs only.
As you say, some are not in a home, but only because they're cared for at home.

Maybe some families are healthier, but I definitely see needing some kind of care as quite likely if I make it past a certain age.

I know it is hard... I have had to do this before but I feel like it is the least I can do for my loved one. If it makes them feel safe and live in denial by not addressing it, then so be it... I wouldn't feel comfy even mentioning it whilst they're alive because you know, they do know! They aren't dull but they clearly, for whatever reason cannot do it so let it go. My Nana went as far as not making a will and it was a nightmare, she didn't own anything, no property but it also meant my awful uncle just rode roughshod despite having done nothing all her life.. yes I'm pissed off, yes I wished she'd done it and got her shit together but she just couldn't, even after her husband died before her, she just couldn't face it and as difficult as it is it is what she needed to maintain control. It all got sorted in the end, it was trash and treasure but I did it because she didn't everything for me and I felt I should do this for her.

It’s really traumatic and I’m sorry you had to experience this. Everything you said resonated. Totally understand the part where you say it was the fact it was largely ‘nice’ stuff. It’s the nice stuff that is the hardest. It is such an awful thing to have to do and takes so much mentally and physically to continue to do. Every time I’d been to my DM’s house to empty another box or room, I’d come home late at night and feel totally bereft and depressed. Nevermind exhausted because I had to do it after work each day. Couldn’t do weekends due to having children I needed to take places etc. You just want it over with as soon as possible. But houses with lots of things take forever to sort through and empty.

((HUGS))

You I can relate to, not the OP though.

It's very sad for you that was the last thing your Mum said to you 😢

I think you did amazingly well respecting her wishes & donating as much as you did. 💕🌷

I think to restore as much good feeling as you can now, you could sort out the jewellery. Keep anything that means something to you. Separate out anything that's obviously 'decorative only' (somethings are really really obvious!) then take the other things in 2 separate loads to a reputable jewellery dealer. One load of things you're sure have monetary value & the second load you think are only costume jewellery or low value.

Use the money to frame some important photos or do something nice with some of your inherited items that YOU love. (Such as a display cabinet).

you have every right to make your home how you want it & only keep what matters to YOU. Your Mum did it her way, now it's your turn to do it your way. I would say that selling/donating/giving away as much as you can IS honouring her wishes that you don't 'throw all her things away'

xx

People suggest solutions and she is just dismissive or rude which isn't necessary - just appears to want everyone to agree to with her and say how terrible it all is..

Most people already do agree according to the poll.

I have had helpful advice but also a few people have no idea what they are talking about.

Yes goid ones ARE worth their weight in gold!!

a slightly different thing but in a similar vein my GFIL wanted to sell some of the things of value tgat they owned that my MIL & DH weren't bothered about keeping. We had a valuer come to the house & put all the things on the dining room table. He looked them over & gave valuations on some of them individually & said he could take the rest if GFIL wanted him to, but could only offer a small amount as although they were interesting or lovely (GPIL had lived in some very interesting places & had been well travelled) they wouldn't fetch much, but he'd seen a few things in the living room that were worth a lot of money & if GFIL ever decided he wanted to sell then to get in touch.

he told us which items & after GFIL, MIL & DH choosing a few bits that meant the most to them the guy came back & bought the rest.

it was all very respectful & the guy was so so knowledgeable & kind. One in a million maybe, but they do exist!

MIL was a hoarder, albeit a very, very organised one. Stuff labeled, boxed, in date order etc.
Sadly a lot of it was in the (very organised) loft - hot in the summer, cold in the winter.
For instance there were dresses from the 1920s carefully hung in wardrobes there - no moth damage - but the fabric ruined by the temperature extremes and the long, slow strain from hanging vertically.
The shoe box of cup handles broken from their cups got chucked right away... I think that was the weirdest!
The pure silver teeny tiny Christmus pud charms I sold on Ebay, the first edition Peter Pan, the 1900s hypodermic syringe, the 1930s bikini, the South Shields holiday guide from 1966, a big bag of embroidery thread, dress and knitting patterns from the 1910s to the 1970s ...
If you have the patience it can be fun and profitable to dispose of these things and also nice to bring back memories of your relatives' experiences and their tales of their childhoods.

I work in probate and occasionally I have to deal with estates where there is no family and there are specialist firms who will go through the house and collect paperwork or whatever you instruct them to find, obviously they’re not the £200 man with a van clearance firms though.

My parents are also hoarders, although quite organised ones so at least all the documents are in filing cabinets, the rest will go straight to the tip I’m afraid, I have no desire to sort through tonnes upon tonnes of ‘useful’ items they’ve got carefully piled up everywhere, if something expensive gets disposed of accidentally then so be it.

A relative died and my sister had to get the house cleared. They were hoarders. The house was absolutely crammed with piles of horrible dirty junk. It cost £8000 to get the whole place cleared and sanitised (there were vermin too).

OP i really sympathise with you

It sounds like you do an awful lot for them OP, and like there's some real resentment there on your part (understandably).

A solution might be to put your foot down, and tell them you're simply not helping them hunt through mountains of broken junk anymore to find the things they need anymore - if they want your help with things, then they'll simply have to let you get rid of all the broken appliances etc in the house. They might protest, but if they need your help, then that might be the leverage you need to clear the worst of it out.

I didn’t get that impression. I think OP is being sensible and her parents are being a bit rude to expect her to just sort everything when they go as if she had plenty of money and time on her hands to do so.

I get on with my parents but I would be pretty annoyed being told I’m just going to have to sort all their stuff when they die when they are able and capable of tossing broken things out and storing important papers properly so I wouldn’t be having to waste time searching for things while grieving their loss.

It took being carers for my maternal grandparents and sorting out their affairs to realise what they didn’t want to do with their daughters when they eventually died, especially both my sister and I having young children and living 10+ hours away from their house with me in another country. They already started going through things and remodelling their house for their benefit and ours. They are in their early 60s.

I agree that it’s selfish. I had to clear out my family home which was floor to ceiling stuff in most rooms. It took took me 6 months as mum was in hospital at the time and I wanted to go through everything. I felt like my life flashed before me - mum had literally kept everything! I will not be selfish and do this to my dcs! If we keep things, we use them or at least look/talk about them so everyone knows why they are special.

I’m not sure how best I can explain this again. Not everyone has the money or the means. They just leave the earth and depart leaving a hoarders nest behind them.

There was no house of value to sell, no money in the bank, no magical companies locally who offer a complete service. No way of finding paperwork easily in the mess and no will. Just a stuffed full property that had to be cleared.

There was no forward planning and just a total disaster to deal with when it all happened.

I’ve spent a day free cycling another car load of an elderly parent’s junk having spent last summer clearing an entire storage unit for them and I really feel for you.

Hoarding is horrific for the family. It’s that they just don’t care about you knowing that you’ll deal with it all so they don’t have to. Unbearably selfish.

I felt so much love when we found my other dparent had left a list of all the passwords. It made dealing with all the bureaucracy so much easier while grieving.

I think that pp are right that you should try to use your leverage that they need you to at least get them to make a file of paperwork.

I’ve just had to sort out my parents’ stuff as they’ve downsized and the parent who was previously more active is now mostly incapacitated.

In some ways, I think it’s been worse than if they’d been dead and left it up to me, as I’d have removed a few favourite things then got in a house clearing company. Because they’re still alive and downsizing, there’s been all kinds of complications and I haven’t been able to launch in and just chuck stuff out.

I have come to the conclusion that my parents (and my mum in particular) have become less rational as they’re aging.

I doubt there’s any good way forward, OP. My parents decided to move, with the assumption they’d sort it out, then it completely overwhelmed them. Sounds like yours are stubborn too.

I’ve compared notes with many others my age and it seems reasonable aged parents are incredibly rare. I look at what’s happening and think that I really don’t want to get old. My parents have been generally good parents, so I have been as patient as I could, but it’s been an awful experience and I hope the lack of space in their new house will mean that next time, it won’t be so traumatic.