to think it’s inconsiderate to leave a lifetime of clutter for your kids to deal with when you die?

[wirey]

My parents are in their 70s, both in good health, fully capable, still active. This isn’t about illness, frailty or anything like that.

They have a 5-bedroom house absolutely rammed with stuff. I’m talking decades of things such as old paperwork, clothes, random items, things they haven’t used in years (some of it honestly feels like it’s been there 30–40 years untouched).

I’ve gently raised it a few times and offered to help them sort through it. Not in a pushy way, just suggesting we could do a bit at a time. Every time the response is basically “you can deal with it when we’re gone.”

I find that really unfair. It’s not even about the physical effort (although that will be huge), it’s the emotional side too. Having to go through a whole house of someone else’s lifetime possessions while grieving is a lot. Plus trying to work out what’s important, what isn’t, what can be thrown away without guilt.
I get that it’s their house and their stuff, and they can live how they want. I’m not trying to control that. But equally, it feels like they’re knowingly leaving a massive job for someone else when they don’t have to.

I’m not expecting minimalism or a spotless house, just a bit of consideration in not leaving everything untouched for decades and then handing it over as a problem later.

AIBU to think that’s selfish?

I have reduced my own possessions by 75% as not to leave a mess behind for DH and my DC.

We are about to enter the zone of decluttering as we get ready to sell our lifetime family home (we've lived in it for 27 years) but we are also very excited about moving. I think we shall throw away a tonne or two of crap before we leave. I dither a bit about stuff like my PILs crystal glasses. We have never used then; I don't like them aesthetically, so I could smash them without regret. I have bought friends and relatives beautiful sets of crystal glass from my local market, that they have enjoyed using. No one is making more now.

However, my DS rather loves beautiful cut crystal glass and uses it, and he handwashes it, so my instinct is to let him choose what he keeps and what he junks.

My big issue is a dining table and ten wildly uncomfortable chairs. MY DMIL sent them to us as soon as she saw the size of our dining room, 27 years ago. Her parent's furniture, sentimental for her, hideous to my eyes. But I still have them. When we were given them, they were valued at £000s, now I think you'd struggle to get more than £100 for the entire set. Any ideas?

What would happen if your DM didn't have family?

To bring some humour to this thread, I’ve just been reminded by my DH that his mother shipped out a huge, old fashioned side board when she retired abroad even though everyone told her it was madness. She then shipped it back when she returned many years later. Cost a fortune to ship. She filled it with thimbles and other similar stuff. She had a conversation with him about what to do with her stuff after she’d gone and he was straight up and said that the massive sideboard would be going in the skip and she laughed. He said during the clearance he tipped the monstrosity over and all items slid off it into a bin bag in one neat swoop 😂 To be fair he was dealing with several work calls during the clearance, and the sub floor rising up, so it was desperate measures and he was stressed out of his mind.

It happened to my neighbour (she was estranged from her sons). The housing corporation cleared the house. I seem to remember she was an undischarged bankrupt so they probably weren’t able to take it out of her estate. (Neighbourhood gossip is the reason I know this.)

It took four of us every Saturday for six months straight to clear PIL three bed semi and garage. MIL is now in care and never asked once where any of her belongings went. Not once. Skip after skip and several trips to the tip that’s where. I can’t begin to describe what we found. Generations of mostly tat, with the odd solid gold pocket watch all mixed up, not even well looked after.
Its left a very poor legacy.

We recently had to clear DMs house and, despite the fact she had cleared a lot herself over the years, it was still a mammoth battle so I do sympathise.

I read something recently that suggested different generations have different attitudes to money and possessions. It said that the Silent Generation wanted money as they often grew up in hardship and craved security, the Boomers grew up more securely but often with not much in the way of luxuries or possessions so wanted "stuff", then Gen X and Millenials grew up with more security and stuff so want better experiences Your parents are in the "craving stuff" group and having it around may make them feel secure but I can see your point too.
When they ask you to look for something, could you try saying no politely? Just along the lines of "I'll never be able to find it in all that" because, until their clutter starts to inconvenience them too, they will never address it

I don't know what happens in that case.

My mum is a huge hoarder & their 4 bed house is in a terrible state, carpets need to be ripped up but can’t as the furniture can’t be moved , cabinets are full ( of crap ) .
I’ve given up now tbh as last time I tried to gently broach the subject my mum cried and said I didn’t understand , I absolutely dread the day coming where we have to clear the house out

I used to work for a HA, they send workers in and everything goes in a skip.

Laughing at a ‘couple of hundred’ for house clearance. My FIL’s last month was £4k

Depends on where you live. My brother only paid a few hundred pounds but he lives in a very rural place where house prices and everything else are surprisingly cheap.

Then just hire a skip and some furniture movers to carry out armfuls of the hoard and throw it all in.

Well, that's Christmas sorted then - I'd buy them this book.

(Not being entirely flippant - I asked for this for Christmas some years ago.)

So lucky! In fairness it was a 5 bed filled to the rafters and a garage. We haven’t started in the garden yet, I reckon that’s going to be another thousand,

Why are people obsessed with if someone will inherit? I won’t inherit as I’ve had to empty houses for relatives going in to care. However, I’ve already got my ducks in a row for my own death (not sure why as Brits we shy away from talking openly about death) and as a result, I’ve already sorted the house with a life interest trust, meaning my children will inherit at least half the value of the house. I still will go out of my way to be not leave them the hell of a huge house clearance. Having been through it, I know how traumatic it is. It’s totally irrelevant that they will definitely inherit from me. If you love your children, one of the last loving acts you can do for them, is not leave them a heart breaking, back breaking task to do when they are in the depths of grief. I’m in my 50s and I deliberately and regularly declutter to avoid causing them pain further down the line. Seems really shallow to me that people seem to think their children must suffer if they are going to inherit. This has nothing to do with money.

Great tip!

Yes, I kept telling him it would cost a few thousand and I was very wrong!

If you have a local auction house, I'd get the table and chairs auctioned off. Even if they go for buttons (they may - I've seen lovely tables and chairs sell for as little as £10) they'll still be out of your way.

What's the issue then? Just bin it all!

People aren't obsessed about whether op will inherit or not - it's the fact that op is avoiding this question that's suspicious.

As many have said - if the estate has money not a problem and if not also there are ways of dealing of with this. It feels like op is making a bigger issue out of this than necessary.

It doesn’t matter if the OP is going to inherit £5 million or £5. It’s about not knowingly causing your children extra trauma and grief and exhaustion when they least need it. It’s just cruel.

My dad’s house is falling apart as well as clearing out a life time of junk we will have the option of selling it for next to nothing or spending around 30k on getting it to a sellable position. But would unlikely make much more on it so really the purpose would be to make it sellable. He’s a builder so perfectly capable but can’t be arsed.

the OP doesnt know if she will inherit!

Two parents, one house.....the money wont last long if they both need care. So its not so much dodging a question as not knowing. My parents have a house worth about £300k, if they both need care that will be gone in a matter of months. So at the moment I am due to inherit but chances are I wont.

I think saying not clearing out a house before you die is cruel is a massive over exaggeration. But I appreciate that’s your view and you’re entitled to it, just as I’m entitled to mine.

Why didn't I think of that? I will bin all the identity documents too!