to think it’s inconsiderate to leave a lifetime of clutter for your kids to deal with when you die?

[wirey]

My parents are in their 70s, both in good health, fully capable, still active. This isn’t about illness, frailty or anything like that.

They have a 5-bedroom house absolutely rammed with stuff. I’m talking decades of things such as old paperwork, clothes, random items, things they haven’t used in years (some of it honestly feels like it’s been there 30–40 years untouched).

I’ve gently raised it a few times and offered to help them sort through it. Not in a pushy way, just suggesting we could do a bit at a time. Every time the response is basically “you can deal with it when we’re gone.”

I find that really unfair. It’s not even about the physical effort (although that will be huge), it’s the emotional side too. Having to go through a whole house of someone else’s lifetime possessions while grieving is a lot. Plus trying to work out what’s important, what isn’t, what can be thrown away without guilt.
I get that it’s their house and their stuff, and they can live how they want. I’m not trying to control that. But equally, it feels like they’re knowingly leaving a massive job for someone else when they don’t have to.

I’m not expecting minimalism or a spotless house, just a bit of consideration in not leaving everything untouched for decades and then handing it over as a problem later.

AIBU to think that’s selfish?

I have reduced my own possessions by 75% as not to leave a mess behind for DH and my DC.

There's a 5 bedroom house to be sold and whatever else they leave. The cost is a charge against the estate.

Why mention it then.

My mum (my dad died before her) also refused to throw anything out before she died. She always said she wanted me to enjoy going through it all. Every time she said that, I pointed out I would be grieving, working full time and doing it alone. I do have a sibling but he’s worse than useless. Well, she died last year and I’m not going through it all, I’m just throwing most of it away and I’m not enjoying it either. I am feeling equal measures of guilt and rage about throwing everything away and being the one left to do it all. Not sure that helps you OP but a wee rant helped me!

You can change how it affects you now, OP, but it might be worse than ushering them into an early grave by suggesting they throw away a broken toaster.

If they are upset they can’t find something and ask you, tell them you can’t find it amidst the clutter. Offer to help declutter. If they refuse, tell them that’s a shame and whatever it was they were looking for will have to remain lost. End of story.

If you don’t like eating amidst the clutter, refuse to eat in their house. If you can’t do jobs they want you to do (fix their guttering, etc) then say you can’t. If you’re worried about your children being exposed to dangerous clutter, dirt, or mice, refuse to take them to your parents’ house.

Tell them the state of their house stresses you out so you’d prefer they come to you / you meet up at a museum or art gallery or restaurant.

All of that seems much “colder” to me than what you’re currently doing but presumably that’s what the posters telling you you’re being awful would prefer.

I am sorry for your loss 💐

This sounds so hard. It sounds strange she wanted you to enjoy going through it when you said you would be doing it alone.

This is where it makes no sense. It could have been made easier for you even if things were ordered properly.

What is their reasoning for not letting you take a broken toaster?

Maybe you could ask to borrow some of the broken stuff and slowly take more and more.

They just say leave it there and that I can deal with it when they are gone. I have no idea of the reasoning.

I can't come up with a good reason for why I would want to borrow a broken toaster.

You know what? I agree with you. I don’t even want to think about it but there’s just me, and my elderly parents have already told me their stash of collectibles will be my problem. They just “can’t bear” to throw anything out.

My mum died a few years ago and my dad died last yea. We cleaned out my mum's stuff when she died but dad wouldn't touch anything else.

Then he died and it turned out that my brother was the sole executor of the will. He had turned quite sour against my parents and didn't want anything from the house. I was able to go through it and take what I could fit in the car. He got a house clearance company in. I only recently discovered that they basically smashed up all the furniture and everything went into skips.

I am quietly furious with him but anyway, you too can do this.

DM is neat and tidy, and DF was a hoarder.
DF died suddenly earlier this year, and my mum was doing tip runs with his stuff the next day. I am kind of glad he went first TBH, as horrid as it sounds. If DM had died first, then his hoarding would have got worse (along with his drinking), and we would have had to deal with a right old mess.

DM is in a council house, so I know we will have 2 weeks to erase her existence from her home when she dies (which, touch wood, wont be for years... I am more worried about what would happen to her business if she suddenly passed... she has contracts and employees etc).

I have hoarding tendencies and my house is a tip. No kids though.

Yes I found several quite large amounts of money when
I cleared out my mum’s house. One envelope was hidden in a book, but she had told me many times thst she hid money like that, so I shook every book as I took them out of the bookshelf. But there were there other envelopes with lots more money hidden in the top of a wardrobe, in a box in a cupboard, and another sellotaped to the underside of a bedside cabinet. I also found various pieces of jewellery tucked away in unlikely places.

I lost my parents in a similar time frame and while you always miss them attachment to their stuff or heated differences with siblings do drift off.
I have a little important box for each of mine. For both there’s a pair of glasses and the mobile phone they were using. My dad’s has his comb and my mum’s has her favourite lipstick. If I ever need a reminder I only have to open them and I remember exactly who they were.
My mum left me what felt like a thousand ornaments - you would look after my Wedgewood won’t you? - and I didn’t. I gave it away.
And the thing is I nodded at the time, so she never knew.
I have things now and think of who might like it and check myself. Most stuff you can’t give away now.

On the off chance you are being genuine rather than snarky, it would be a probate solicitor who would deal with lost paperwork. Not literal paper, but identification of bank accounts, investments and property.

But I think you said there is nothing to be inherited, so you wouldn’t need to bother with this either. You could literally just walk away.

Presume you'll be happy to take the value of a 5 bed house in your inheritance... you just don't want to part with a couple of hundred quid for a house clearance company? Nice.

Sure, but I can imagine that not everyone has weeks/months to spare going through everything in case there is money there.
I have heard of people finding money in pianos and (somehow) in a door.

Who said I was getting any inheritance?

But just make assumptions. Nice.

People on this thread have said is costs thousands.
Also, what if they go to a home? Is OP still expected to pay for the clearance and not have a house to inherit?

If the people going into a home have no family or the family doesn't want to, will the council empty the home?

Well will there be any money from the estate, that you will inherit?

If not you can just walk away and not worry about any of it - as other posters have said

Well if you're not inheriting the house it's not really your problem is it?

"What is their reasoning for not letting you take a broken toaster?"

Oh dear. You don't understand hoarders, do you? They don't even have to be serious hoarders.

If they go to a home the OP doesnt have to do anything, let alone pay for anything.

If they die, the OP doesnt have to do anything unless she's a) an executor and b) she's wanting to inherit. If not, the estate will pay for the clearance and the OP can just walk away.

Maybe I've missed it but it seems op does not want to say whether she will inherit...

What sort of child could just walk away in those circumstances? I don’t believe anyone could be so cold and emotionally detached if they had a normal relationship with their parents.

DM is in a council house, and removing her belongings will still be down to me and my siblings. 2 weeks to erase her existence from her home of 40+ years.

You don't have to be inheriting the house for the contents to not be a problem.

"If they go to a home the OP doesnt have to do anything, let alone pay for anything."

Who will do it then? The council? If the parents, own their home it will likely be sold to pay for their care so will need to be emptied, unless it can be sold with everything in it for the buyer to dispose of.

If they die, you say the estate will pay. What if there's no estate?

What happens if they rent? Will the LL be stuck with their stuff?