to think it’s inconsiderate to leave a lifetime of clutter for your kids to deal with when you die?

[wirey]

My parents are in their 70s, both in good health, fully capable, still active. This isn’t about illness, frailty or anything like that.

They have a 5-bedroom house absolutely rammed with stuff. I’m talking decades of things such as old paperwork, clothes, random items, things they haven’t used in years (some of it honestly feels like it’s been there 30–40 years untouched).

I’ve gently raised it a few times and offered to help them sort through it. Not in a pushy way, just suggesting we could do a bit at a time. Every time the response is basically “you can deal with it when we’re gone.”

I find that really unfair. It’s not even about the physical effort (although that will be huge), it’s the emotional side too. Having to go through a whole house of someone else’s lifetime possessions while grieving is a lot. Plus trying to work out what’s important, what isn’t, what can be thrown away without guilt.
I get that it’s their house and their stuff, and they can live how they want. I’m not trying to control that. But equally, it feels like they’re knowingly leaving a massive job for someone else when they don’t have to.

I’m not expecting minimalism or a spotless house, just a bit of consideration in not leaving everything untouched for decades and then handing it over as a problem later.

AIBU to think that’s selfish?

I have reduced my own possessions by 75% as not to leave a mess behind for DH and my DC.

This.

my mum is the opposite and has binned or given away a lot of stuff I would have liked to have.

my mil is of the generation where crystal glasses, china tea sets “for best”, wedding dining sets, silver cutlery sets, doulton ladies etc were all a sign of affluence. Then all the “china cabinets” and display sideboards to keep them in. It’s a shame to get rid of it in some ways, but I have no need for it so will get a house clearance in. They aren’t worth anything now.

Never said it was 😂

I didn't think house clearance people sorted through everything so I have no idea why it keeps coming up as a solution.

My parents do not use computers or the internet so it is a case of locating the paperwork. Hope the mice didn't eat it!

My parents did this. "You'll have to clear all this out when we're gone" chuckled Mum in about 2015. 45 years of accumulated possessions, and we couldn't just tip it, because some of it turned out to be worth money. 4 months of hard labour, and during the COVID lockdowns because Dad died in April 2020, Mum having preceded him about 18 months previously. How we all laughed.

Unnecessary work - to who?

The OP that will have to go through her parents stuff?
The parents that will be asked to separate from stuff they want to keep?

That work is ‘unnecessary’ only if you consider that what they have isn’t acceptable/is junk/should be in the bin.
And I doubt it’s the case in the eyes of her parents. Otherwise theyd have put all of that in the bin already?

We all need to remember that a treasured possession fir one person is junk to the other.
Its fine fir the OP to think it’s all junk.
Its not ok to insist her parents treat their possessions the way SHE wa sees them.
And tbh, tough if she thinks it’s unnecessary work etc etc… it’s their life. She shouldn’t be telling them how to live it (just like them telling her how to live, that she is too unemotional, too minimalist etc….’ Would be out of line too)

"Pressuring living parents to start binning their possessions in preparation for their deaths, to save you a job is cold, selfish and ultimately strips them of the dignity of living fully in their own space, on their own terms, while they are still here."

Oh come on. She's not asking them to throw away the bed they're sleeping on, she's talking about shit they've hoarded over the years.

So sorry you had to go through this ❤

That work is ‘unnecessary’ only if you consider that what they have isn’t acceptable/is junk/should be in the bin.
And I doubt it’s the case in the eyes of her parents. Otherwise theyd have put all of that in the bin already?
We all need to remember that a treasured possession fir one person is junk to the other.

My parents do not value the dusty broken appliances or use condiments that are decades out of dates. It is not the case that these are their treasured possessions.

"That work is ‘unnecessary’ only if you consider that what they have isn’t acceptable/is junk/should be in the bin.
And I doubt it’s the case in the eyes of her parents. Otherwise theyd have put all of that in the bin already?"

OMG if only that were true! If it were, people would keep their actual cars in their garages instead of junk.

@wirey that’s going to make your life easier then! Admittedly finding them is the hard part. After we did the emails, we then had to double check paper work. We had to wade through every single bill, bank account, credit card, and I lost count of how many insurance policies from 1969 to present. I think unless you have a loved one who is a not so borderline hoarder, I don’t think people realise quite how daunting it is. It’s not just a matter of getting a skip or some house clearance who’ll magically sort it. It’s not how it works!.

💐 for you!

You can get house clearance specialists who will sort valuables and arrange resale. It’s not uncommon for people to come in, pack up then sell anything not obviously valuable at auctions- they sell them in boxes of “House clearance” , they’re quite popular.

it doesn’t have to be sort it yourself or bin the lot.

Just to say that I have helped clear out the possessions of two deceased relatives and in both I found large sums of money hidden in various places e.g. in books. It’s not a great idea to just let clearance firms in unless you are sure there is nothing hidden away.

If you hire the clearance company and tell them get rid of everything - they will. They'll send the executors a bill, which is payable out of the executry estate.

We had accumulated so much stuff from my mum and dad (and my grandparents) plus our junk so for my birthday this year (early 60s) I asked all the children to help us clear the loft. Fun evenings with food, wine and board games provided. We still have a pile in the dining room ready for auction but we did 11 tip runs and loads of charity shop drops.

Just the garage to go... my dh is somewhat of a collector of rubbish and finds it hard to let go.

It was very cathartic.

You're right. There's zero reason for all the moaning about having to clear it. You can pay someone else to sort out just about any problem.

Because everyone has lots of money to throw at a problem 🙄

If you are clearing their house to sell, you will have. If not, just refuse the inheritance.

But you can't tell someone how to live their life OP. They can do what they want. It's not your stuff. Stop stressing about it. Once they are gone you can happily bin it all. Until then, let them live their lives the way they want to.

You have a problem for every solution, op.

Then hire a skip and/or a van and go through the house like locusts. That's what I had to do when my stepfather died in 2011. He had a five apartment house and there was 50 years of clothes, ornaments, furniture, paperwork, and clutter in it. Some things are incumbent upon you as a son or daughter and this is one of them.

Accepting that you don't think you are pressuring them, don't you think that your parents would view any question about clearing their clutter as exactly that, preparingfor their death?

Why do you think there is any inheritance?

If they don't work, they're not solutions, are they?

I honestly don't think me offering to take a broken dusty appliance is considered as preparing for their death. They have never said that. They just leave it or you can sort it out when we are gone.

Hoarders are a blooming nightmare.
My grandfather was one and his house was a dirty mess. My grand,other would have turned in her grave to see it. It took weeks, then I got the house clearance people in to remove the furniture. There was no worth in any of it.
My dear mum was minimalist and no clutter, even then it took a few weeks. Council place with council very keen to quickly replace the tenant- so was glad it wasn’t too onerous. Her furniture (again no value but nice) went with Facebook marketplace.
At the extreme end of the spectrum my friends parents died and it took them and their siblings 18 months to clear the house- every weekend was spent on it. Friend and siblings unfortunately inherited the hoarding trait so all items were carefully deliberated over- again, most of it was worthless.