to think it’s inconsiderate to leave a lifetime of clutter for your kids to deal with when you die?

[wirey]

My parents are in their 70s, both in good health, fully capable, still active. This isn’t about illness, frailty or anything like that.

They have a 5-bedroom house absolutely rammed with stuff. I’m talking decades of things such as old paperwork, clothes, random items, things they haven’t used in years (some of it honestly feels like it’s been there 30–40 years untouched).

I’ve gently raised it a few times and offered to help them sort through it. Not in a pushy way, just suggesting we could do a bit at a time. Every time the response is basically “you can deal with it when we’re gone.”

I find that really unfair. It’s not even about the physical effort (although that will be huge), it’s the emotional side too. Having to go through a whole house of someone else’s lifetime possessions while grieving is a lot. Plus trying to work out what’s important, what isn’t, what can be thrown away without guilt.
I get that it’s their house and their stuff, and they can live how they want. I’m not trying to control that. But equally, it feels like they’re knowingly leaving a massive job for someone else when they don’t have to.

I’m not expecting minimalism or a spotless house, just a bit of consideration in not leaving everything untouched for decades and then handing it over as a problem later.

AIBU to think that’s selfish?

I have reduced my own possessions by 75% as not to leave a mess behind for DH and my DC.

My in-laws are hoarders. Well-off hoarders, so every time they full a room in the house they stop using it and have an extension built. Their house is miserable. Clutter everywhere, piles and piles of "stuff", doors you can't open because the room behind behind it is rammed.
It's selfish, but also bloody dangerous for them. They'd struggle to evacuate in a fire because if clutter in the stairs, and it'd go up in minutes with all the boxes, papers, etc.

Then, when the time comes, you give yourself perhaps 3-4 days to rummage around the place. Find whatever you find, and mentally give the rest of it over to the universe. If your parents would be desperately upset if you didn't find great-aunt Judith's ring that you never knew existed, let alone where to find it, then that's a "them problem".

"Look, parents, I know no-one wants to think about this stuff, but is there stuff you'd want me to have-slash-deal with when you're gone? If there is, I need to know what there is, and where it is. Otherwise, let me be honest with you, most likely it'll fall into the pockets of the house clearance people."

If they still then fail to act, then it's not like they didn't know. If other people query it in years to come, you can say with a clear conscience, "Yeah, well I did ask them multiple times if there was anything of value in the house, and where to find it, and they just wouldn't give me the info. I spent 3 days trying to find anything obvious, but things might have got missed. It's a shame, but I did try."

You can pay someone to clear a house for a reasonable payment. Just dont worry about it.

I’ve just had to clear out my mum’s one bedroom flat as she’s moved into a care home. It took a good few weeks and we’ve still got stuff I’m not sure what to do with!
A 5 bedroom house?!! 😬😬😬
I would tell them that you’ll just a house clearance company in if they’re not prepared to address it now.

Honestly I worry about this too. My DM lives in a bigger house, double garage, three sheds, all full. It will mainly fall to me to sort it all. My parents took in belongings from a great aunt's flat in 1992, their respective parent's houses in 1998 and 2012, and they sold a house in France after Brexit and brought the contents home.

It will be an enormous undertaking and will probably sour my memories of my parents and my ongoing relationship with my sibling.

That surprises me tbh. I think you are selfish and unreasonable and concerned about the inconvenience it will cause you after they are dead.

I've just read all your posts - they are all about you and how much inconvenience your parents will cause you. And protestations that professional house clearance isn't "a magical bullet". It kind of is for clearing a house.

About 3 pages in mice were mentioned but up until that point it was all about the inconvenience to you. You do know uncluttered houses can get mice?

My parents bought a house a few years ago, probate, that the deceased's family didn't clear. They sold the house with all the possessions included. A lifetime of memorabilia, medals, photos, furniture (some of it g-plan!). My dad sold the g-plan stuff for a fair whack and tossed everything else in skips. So there's an option OP.

Otherwise, my partner's dad not long died. For that, because he had so much stuff (hoarder) and lived so far away, my partner picked through what paperwork he thought he needed and got a house clearance company to deal with the rest. Easy. Thankfully there was a small amount of £££ in the estate to cover it. Not sure what you'd do for an insolvent estate in a rented home.

My friend’s parents died about 10 years ago. She was an only child. She really struggled to get rid of their things and anything she could keep, she did.

She took it to her own house and put 99% of it in her loft. It remains there to this day, along with her own lifetime’s worth of nonsense. This will now fall to her own kids to sort.

We talk about this fairly often. It stresses her out but she doesn’t do anything about it. It’s nuts.

I have had to clear out my parents' huge 6-bedroom Victorian house, plus attics and cellars, plus 2 equally large houses they rented out, and never bothered to check what crap tenants left behind. Then I had to clear my sister-in-law's hoarder house after she had a stroke. It is horrible, bloody hard work, and emotionally wrenching, so I agree with you and am trying hard to ensure my children don't have to do anything like that.

More completely unnecessary expense!

It’s not unreasonable for you to feel what you feel, but based on what you’ve said you probably can’t influence them either 🙁

My Mum (70) has had to deal with an extended family member’s house clearance as well as the death of both her parents. She knows. She’s been adamant that she won’t leave her children to deal with “a house of stuff”. (She and my Dad moved house downsized 10 years ago and got rid of lots then. Since then Dad died from cancer and she’s blitzed even more - all his stuff especially). Even then, there’s a whole house full.

It makes me extra mindful of the size of my own “stuff”.

I’m sorry you’re probably going to have to deal with sorting it all 😕

At the very least, however, make sure you know where all the important paperwork and legal documents are, and make sure you have access to passwords and accounts. Dealing with a digital footprint and online legacy after someone has died can be as much of a headache as the physical stuff.

Reading all the drama on this thread makes me very grateful my DM has already started Swedish Death Cleaning. She's adamant that she doesn't want to leave me and my siblings any more trouble than necessary when the time comes.

Just for the record, we haven't requested this or tried to get her to declutter, she's just decided this herself and is very happy to do it. Personally I think it's very considerate to think about what we'll go through when she dies.

I suspect that those PPs saying leave the elderly alone and be respectful about their stuff have never had to clear a house or deal with an estate.

I’ve had to do quite a few and it can be gruelling. My DF recently died and his finances were in good order, me and my sibling had LPAs for while he was alive and were executors of his will. However, every cupboard, storage place, loft, out-building and wardrobe was crammed with his stuff, plus stuff from my DM, DGPs and his DB. It took the best part of 3 months to clear it all, every weekend, evenings and holidays. We still have several box loads of decent stuff being held for family members who have ‘no space but they can’t bear for it to go’. Fortunately, I’ve got a major building project coming up soon so the sentimentalists have been given a hard deadline for taking the stuff they wanted. And that’s before I’ve even started on photos!

My plea to anyone, is chuck out broken and out of date stuff (no one needs 30 years of electronic gadgets!), file paperwork properly, catalogue photos effectively and chuck the blurry out of focus pics, and make a habit of regularly selling or donating unused things. It is utterly unfair to leave it all for loved ones to deal with. And the bonus is you will enjoy your home so much more without the clutter.

Yes, but 79% of Mumsnet posters is hardly representative of the man or woman in the street, ffs...😆

Slightly light hearted but - I wish, when my kids left home and abandoned bedrooms that were FULL of stuff that they didn't want to come home and sort through so I could clear the rooms out, that I could just have hired a clearance firm to come and empty the place out.

The kids would have been up in arms if I'd tried it though. They NEEDED that stuff (but never came to collect it). Eventually they very reluctantly came to look through it when I was moving - and ended up leaving most of it for me to dispose of. Perhaps I will get my own back by cramming my house and letting them sort that out when I'm gone...

And how would incapacitated parents do that?

"concerned about the inconvenience it will cause you after they are dead."

Why shouldn't she be concerned about that? We're talking about unnecessary work here, not the 'inconvenience' of their death or funerals.

Apologies if mentioned already - but a decent one will help you with this too. The company we used for my FIL (proper hoarder) helped us locate his important paperwork that he’d hidden in a safe place. Bloody miracle considering where he had put it.

we worked with them for a couple of days clearing the house, and all drawers and cupboards were checked as it was removed from the house. It was usual practice for them.

And they did find a number of things that were relevant, or sentimental. We took those away, and the company took everything else. Worth their weight in gold! Lovely people - made a horrid job easier, great attitude, respectful, and worked like trojans!

This was almost exactly our situation. In our case BIL did not want to do anything - was named as an executor but decided to go 'with power reserved'.

Everything was everywhere. Good jewellery with her costume stuff. In amongst paperwork dating from the late 1950s we found some First World War medals. In amongst all the tatty clothes, some real vintage gems (Laura Ashley, Liberty).

We would have liked to have handed it over to a house clearance company, but BIL would never have gone for this. As it was, he thought we'd only need one skip. He wanted to keep everything and at one point said the MIL had mentioned him keeping the house and contents.

However, the house was sold - with his agreement - and he moved into a one-bedroom flat. He never looked at the boxed up stuff again.

I have lost both my parents, I helped my mum clear my dads things and also then cleared my mums house.

It was an important part of the grieving process going through their possessions, the silliest of things provoking memories.

It doesn’t need to be hard, dig out the things you want or need, and hire someone to do the rest.

Pressuring living parents to start binning their possessions in preparation for their deaths, to save you a job is cold, selfish and ultimately strips them of the dignity of living fully in their own space, on their own terms, while they are still here.

When in-laws died house was rammed they even had the old style radios with valves and clothes from 50’s. Hubby isn’t good at parting from stuff either took us nearly 2 years to be ready to sell and then loads came to ours as he wanted to check through it before getting rid of or selling, still have some now 7-8 years on. So I sympathise with you.

Wow is that a thing - Swedish death cleaning!! You learn something new everyday. Just looked it up interesting...

@wirey House clearance people literally just come and chuck everything in bags, throw it in the lorry and go to the tip, if it’s furniture they may sell it on. They don’t sort through for anything important like documents.

If your parents have any computer devices or email etc you really need to be able to get into them. We could t have done anything with my FIL’s account without access to his emails, everything was on there electronically. All his paperwork was a decade out of date. So get that from your parental at the very least, something like a password book is ideal for that.

I have mixed feelings about this because I am extremely sentimental about things, as are my parents so I could never ask them to clear their things but I will also find it extremely hard, probably impossible, to do it after they're gone.

I would probably be quite a hoarder if it wasn't for my DH (who is completely the opposite), I quite often ask him to sort through things because I can't bear to get rid of them.

Pressuring living parents to start binning their possessions in preparation for their deaths, to save you a job is cold, selfish and ultimately strips them of the dignity of living fully in their own space, on their own terms, while they are still here.

I am pressuring them to start preparing for their deaths by suggesting getting rid of broken appliances? OK.