to think it’s inconsiderate to leave a lifetime of clutter for your kids to deal with when you die?

[wirey]

My parents are in their 70s, both in good health, fully capable, still active. This isn’t about illness, frailty or anything like that.

They have a 5-bedroom house absolutely rammed with stuff. I’m talking decades of things such as old paperwork, clothes, random items, things they haven’t used in years (some of it honestly feels like it’s been there 30–40 years untouched).

I’ve gently raised it a few times and offered to help them sort through it. Not in a pushy way, just suggesting we could do a bit at a time. Every time the response is basically “you can deal with it when we’re gone.”

I find that really unfair. It’s not even about the physical effort (although that will be huge), it’s the emotional side too. Having to go through a whole house of someone else’s lifetime possessions while grieving is a lot. Plus trying to work out what’s important, what isn’t, what can be thrown away without guilt.
I get that it’s their house and their stuff, and they can live how they want. I’m not trying to control that. But equally, it feels like they’re knowingly leaving a massive job for someone else when they don’t have to.

I’m not expecting minimalism or a spotless house, just a bit of consideration in not leaving everything untouched for decades and then handing it over as a problem later.

AIBU to think that’s selfish?

I have reduced my own possessions by 75% as not to leave a mess behind for DH and my DC.

My God, you've only stopped short of asking them to apologise for eventually inconveniencing you by dying.

They will not co-operate so I can't do this.

Like people keep saying, just get the house clearance people because they deal with insurance, passports and all paperwork too.

A solicitor can do all the admin side. If the documents are lost, they can be replaced.

I did a quick once through and took anything I needed, then I just paid a house clearance company to come and clear the rest (and I literally let them in and hid out at home until they were done!)

I think they should just be allowed to live their lives whilst they're still alive. Funnily enough, some people don't like the idea of actively planning for their death!

Exactly. They can't find things in their own house because of the clutter so they ask me to look. I find it hard because there is so much stuff. I suggest getting rid of broken dusty appliances - BINGO - I have just only stopped short of asking them to apologise for eventually inconveniencing me by dying.

I think it's incredibly selfish. My FIL (in his 80s) died suddenly of a heart attack, leaving a whole house of furniture, linens, paperwork, knick-knacks and heaven knows what else. Not only that but he had also kept all of his deceased wife's possessions too. The emotional and physical toll on my poor husband was tremendous, particularly as the FIL lived several hundred miles away.

Conversely, my mother is shedding items she considers to be superfluous with evangelical zeal!

You're an enabler, OP. You can choose to stop if you like. Hard as that may be.

A once through would not be quick in my parents house. It also has mice.

They are living their lives while they are still alive (with the mice). Nobody is saying to do not live your life.

You really don't have to worry if the estate has money...you do make them sound like a massive burden which is probably why you are getting some flak on here.

Try reading your thread title and opening post and perhaps you might understand how you're coming across.

79% say I am not being unreasonable.

Ps I had to deal with all the legal admin myself, and I really wasn't in a good way, and I'm not good with that sort of thing at the best of times, and I don't remember it being onerous. Thinking about it, I probably paid the solicitor a ridiculous amount of money to just deal with it for me....

If they won't even sort out the basic paperwork, there's nothing you can do except let it go and wait to see what happens. Frustrating because a bit of action now could save a lot of time later.
I haven't heard of house clearance people locating things like passports and birth certificates and bank account details. Sounds expensive if it means wading through piles of paperwork. I hope it works out for you.

Yes, it’s selfish. If they leave enough money, get a house clearance service, if not then hire a couple of skips and chuck everything in there.

I am 66. I downsized 5 years ago from a large 4 bed house to a one bed bungalow. So I was ruthless and kept only the essentials and treasured memorabilia
I was prompted to do that after seeing my first husband die and our daughter having to deal with his house. He always said there was plenty of time to sort it but became ill and died within four months
He was a hoarder who threw nothing away.

But you're not living with their mice! You've said yourself they're of sound body and mind - some people are just grubby 🤷‍♀️

FWIW my parents' house was also pretty awful. I literally walked through marking anything I wanted to keep (very little), I didn't bother going into wardrobes/cupboards, and I just let the clearance company get rid of everything. Probably not the best decision financially I suppose - if I desperately needed or wanted the cash I would have had to do it differently, and I don't know your situation.

Would your response have been different if her parents weren't living in a 5 bed property and were struggling?

This seems to be the main point in your responses, how much money is in the estate which could be eaten up by care fees at any rate.

The solution is straight forward then. If you want to tell them you can, but it’s not really necessary. The reason for them to clear out their stuff is to improve their own lives.

But if you inherit it, and have enough money to do this before selling the house, get professionals to come in and throw all of it away for you. The money can be offset by the sale of the house.

My colleague was in a similar situation.

Her parents expected her to sort it as did her brother.

She was appointed executor as her brother wasn't interested.

She handed the whole clearing out of the house to a company who charged a fortune.

She told the solicitors to handle probate and charge the estate.

Her brothers had been the favourites and she refused to be used by her parents after their death.

It was all taken from the estate and cost a good 30k+ including the house sale.

I am very aware that I need to start clearing out my house.

As someone not that much younger than the OP's parents, with a husband who might be their age, I can state with confidence that most people in their 70s are perfectly capable of sorting through their belongings without finding it an emotional rollercoaster. If anyone of any age finds it overwhelming to keep their belongings in an orderly state and to dispose of things that are no longer useful or nice to have around, they have a mental health problem. Yes, this is one facet of being human. It's not a good one. And yes, it is selfish not to try to sort problems like that out and leave your loved ones to deal with the results.

I sorted all my parents’ stuff when they were 80. They were a bit uncomfortable with it to start with, but they could see the advantage and now like their clutter free house.

At the same time we decluttered our house and sorted out all our finances.

You can buy a ‘life book’ from Age UK and we used that as an idea to create an Excel spreadsheet with all our different banks, subscriptions, important contacts and information about funerals etc to make it easier for our kids even though we are only mid 50s. We password protected it and have sent it to our young adult children.

OP you didn’t mention the paperwork / lack of wills / no idea where identity documents for ages and ages. All your posts for the first few hours were about old disintegrating clothes and broken toasters etc, which while infuriating aren’t hard to sort after death - they can obviously be chucked and this is why everyone is recommending clearance companies or skips - your first few hours of posting made it sound like all the annoying stuff was “obviously easy to bin” and you said you’d plan to just get a skip.

The bigger issues are the buried / non existent paperwork, and the stress for you and your parents around them not being able to find anything amongst the clutter. I agree that this is a much bigger issue and perhaps start another thread focussing on that as I think you’d get a lot more useful support. Good luck xx

. . . and really not good for the planet. Very wasteful.

Sorry OP, I don’t agree.

I don’t think anyone has the right to expect someone to get rid of stuff just because it might be inconvenient to others in the future.

It’s not easy to contemplate death creeping ever closer, and getting rid of stuff in advance just reeks of sitting and waiting for the inevitable.

I wouldn’t expect a 30 yr old to keep their house clear in case they die and I think it’s unreasonable to hold older people to a different standard.

The items may or may not have any importance but the implication is that you want to start getting the house ready for their death now. I know it’s not what you mean but it almost feels like their existence is just an inconvenience.

Obviously it’s a contentious subject but I’d be devastated if I thought my parents believed they had to clear out their lives just to make things more convenient to me after they die. I want my DM to enjoy the familiar things she has around her for as long as she wants.

And I say this as someone who’s already done it - my DF died unexpectedly and I cleared his place single-handedly.

It just feels as if it’s typical of the way society views older people: an inconvenience, a nuisance. Not suggesting that’s how you view your parents OP but as a wider principle, it’s just how it feels.

It's none of your business what they do with their stuff or what they fill their house with, and conversations with them about their death are also in very poor taste. Why is it that when people get old, their children suddenly think they have the right to run their lives for them?