to think it’s inconsiderate to leave a lifetime of clutter for your kids to deal with when you die?

[wirey]

My parents are in their 70s, both in good health, fully capable, still active. This isn’t about illness, frailty or anything like that.

They have a 5-bedroom house absolutely rammed with stuff. I’m talking decades of things such as old paperwork, clothes, random items, things they haven’t used in years (some of it honestly feels like it’s been there 30–40 years untouched).

I’ve gently raised it a few times and offered to help them sort through it. Not in a pushy way, just suggesting we could do a bit at a time. Every time the response is basically “you can deal with it when we’re gone.”

I find that really unfair. It’s not even about the physical effort (although that will be huge), it’s the emotional side too. Having to go through a whole house of someone else’s lifetime possessions while grieving is a lot. Plus trying to work out what’s important, what isn’t, what can be thrown away without guilt.
I get that it’s their house and their stuff, and they can live how they want. I’m not trying to control that. But equally, it feels like they’re knowingly leaving a massive job for someone else when they don’t have to.

I’m not expecting minimalism or a spotless house, just a bit of consideration in not leaving everything untouched for decades and then handing it over as a problem later.

AIBU to think that’s selfish?

I have reduced my own possessions by 75% as not to leave a mess behind for DH and my DC.

Im not in denial at all. I’ve had a very happy and fulfilling life so far, and intend to enjoy my remaining years surrounded by the people and things that I love. ☺️

I wish your daughter well. She’s going to need it.

Haven’t followed this mini-spat but this is a massively dickish thing to say, made quite funny by the fact that you mangled it.

That would take cooperation from the parents though and they don't sound like they are being very cooperative. They also don't sound like they particularly want to make things easy for the OP. I think people have a problem with putting things like that in order because they don't want to face the inevitable but also they feel like they are losing control.
Also, I can see why the OP is annoyed. The mother didn't want her walls messed up by her child's drawings but now lives in a house full of broken old appliances and dust.
I think that is the real issue here: relationship between mother and daugher.

I agree. If OP were my daughter not only would I not be doing what she's nagging me to do I'd be rethinking what I'd leave to her.

I’ve no doubt you have lived a happy life and will continue to enjoy it. Most people, who don’t care how their actions impact others, do. My mum was/is just the same.

No I think it’s literally clearance. I think paperwork you’d have to remove and go through.

I’m going to get an industrial shredding company to take the lot once I’ve checked it.

We all have too much stuff!

Yabu. Just get someone to clear it out when they die. It’s their life

I can empathise with you, when I suggested disposing of damaged goods, that my parents see value in, they asked - do you want to throw us out as well?

I've been straight with my parents and asked why they thought it should be my problem to sort out after they've gone and I was then allowed to organise a skip.

I think as things build up, it can be very overwhelming to start the clearing process. You could ask to borrow some of the electrical items, discover they are broken and recycle them. As things reduce around them and they see space, they may become more open to letting things go.

My parents decided what went and I've tried to organise what's left. Probably two more skips worth and a few months sorting is left to do but it's less of a worry for me now.

My elderly father has filled his house with that much crap you cannot sit down and is actively adding to it.

He regularly goes to the auctions to buy more shit for his “museum” as he calls it.

I have resigned myself to just getting in a house clearance company, the chances of there being anything of actual value are pretty low anyway.

I've been straight with my parents and asked why they thought it should be my problem to sort out after they've gone and I was then allowed to organise a skip

Well strictly speaking it isn't. Even if you were named as executor you can refuse.

It's not really a problem is it? You and the OP can hire a clearance company and a shredding company. If it's all worthless rubbish they will take it all.

The OP's parents own a 5 bedroom house. Depending on where, that's worth roughly between £500,000 to a few million.

I have considered various solutions. But they just don't want to. It will have to stay as it is.

They get upset if I say I struggle to find things because of the clutter.

It wasn't for my MIL. She wanted to make it easy for her DC and she did. She ordered and cleared things.

It is lunacy that no one knows where the identity and other important documents are. Oh well, the house clearance people deal with all that anyway so its fine. They clear houses and sort the paperwork. Job done!

You know you can pay people to do this for you once they die.

If they have money to leave to you - just take some of that and pay people. I really don't see the issue. Unless of course they have nothing to leave you and you'll have to pay out of your own pocket and things are tight etc.

House clearance will sort out all the paperwork too. Job done ✔

The problem is waste and clutter bring pests and it was making it difficult for me to help clean and care for my parents and help them to maintain their home.

Not everything comes down to inheritance and money. Sometimes you want the people you love to live in safe and comfortable conditions when they are no longer able to do that for themselves.

It can be hard to accept the help and see that the mounting broken or damaged goods are an issue. That's why the Op has written her thread.

You really are very bitter, aren’t you! 🤣🤣

I mention it barely once a year.

I have focused on broken dusty appliances and things they have no attachment to. The best go NC with me 😂

Oh wait a minute, they can't because I help them out with so much stuff.

The most important thing is to get LPA sorted out. If you they refuse, things may go badly for him in future, but you can't make them do it.
Next most important is for each of them make a will and tell you how to find it.
After that is putting their passports, birth certificates, life insurance policies, funeral plan if any, in a safe place where you will be able to find them. Also a note of bank account details and which institutions they have savings in.
These are things that are going to make your job easier when the time comes. So long as you have the information to wind up their estate, you can limit the amount of sorting out you have to do. After handing over any items that appear in the will, you could spend a couple of hours picking out things you want to keep, invite other family members, friends and neighbours to do the same, then hand over the rest to a house clearance company.
It must be infuriating to be told that sorting out their mess is 'your problem' but they may really be saying that they can't bear to think about a time when they are not alive in their family home with all their memories. It's really hard looking decline and death in the face.

You are right. The people who clear out sort out all the paperwork too so its all good.

I've reduced my things significantly and I'm not buying new things now. Dh is older than me and I'm having a hell of a job to get him to clear things out. The attic is full, a bedroom is full, the garage is full and he also has a shed full. That's in addition to his things around the house. All his stuff. I've explained again and again that the dcs will struggle (both nd), but he's selfish and says that hoarding runs in his family. If I wasn't around, it'd be even worse. I think it's very selfish.

I have asked in the past. They got offended and said no.

I have considered various solutions. But they just don't want to. It will have to stay as it is.
They get upset if I say I struggle to find things because of the clutter.

@wirey I mean a solution for you. Don't involve them, just settle it in your own mind.
As for finding things, let them get upset.
You can only change what you do, how you react. You can't change other people even when it would be in their best interests.

There's a difference between important documents being together in an easy to find place, and being expected to throw away all your belongings because someone else wants you to.

The OP's thread title and opening post is about the inconvenience it will cause her after they're dead.

I'm sure she can spare something out of the sale price of a 5 bedroom house to pay for a clearance.