to think it’s inconsiderate to leave a lifetime of clutter for your kids to deal with when you die?

[wirey]

My parents are in their 70s, both in good health, fully capable, still active. This isn’t about illness, frailty or anything like that.

They have a 5-bedroom house absolutely rammed with stuff. I’m talking decades of things such as old paperwork, clothes, random items, things they haven’t used in years (some of it honestly feels like it’s been there 30–40 years untouched).

I’ve gently raised it a few times and offered to help them sort through it. Not in a pushy way, just suggesting we could do a bit at a time. Every time the response is basically “you can deal with it when we’re gone.”

I find that really unfair. It’s not even about the physical effort (although that will be huge), it’s the emotional side too. Having to go through a whole house of someone else’s lifetime possessions while grieving is a lot. Plus trying to work out what’s important, what isn’t, what can be thrown away without guilt.
I get that it’s their house and their stuff, and they can live how they want. I’m not trying to control that. But equally, it feels like they’re knowingly leaving a massive job for someone else when they don’t have to.

I’m not expecting minimalism or a spotless house, just a bit of consideration in not leaving everything untouched for decades and then handing it over as a problem later.

AIBU to think that’s selfish?

I have reduced my own possessions by 75% as not to leave a mess behind for DH and my DC.

Who said I am fretting? I have mentioned the dusty broken appliances because they hold no emotional attachment and I have offered to take them away.

If that is cold, so be it.

Just ask them to put their affairs in order

I didn't realise it was that easy 😂

I think for the sake of people's sanity this is the way you have to look at it. They won't do it themselves. They could pay someone to sort it all out now, but they won't do that either. Instead they have effectively made the decision by default that if (and it does appear to be if, as not everybody has access to house clearance companies) their children can find a house clearance company they will have to pay them out of whatever's left.

It's a bit akin to a parent who lets their house go to rack and ruin or fails to keep it clean and in good decorative order. They could put the work in while they are alive, or pay someone else to do it, but they don't, so in the end either their children put the time in before selling or they pay someone else to do it, or they accept a much reduced sale price for the house.

All much easier to accept if you have a good relationship with your parent(s) and they are in all/most other respects good parents and grandparents.

Having cleared my parents and in laws houses I am determined not to leave a similar job but you can't force people.
To be honest I didn't find it at all emotional just time consuming. We found a small local charity who were happy to take all the furniture. We kept very little. It makes you realise that stuff that has sentimental value for you has none for your offspring. I wasn't interested in mum's collection of ornaments or millions of photos of dogs. I kept very old family photos and not much else, one small box.

My DC in their 20s now both have their own houses and I'm on a mission to make them take all the stuff from my loft to theirs that belongs to them.

Is there a backstory of your mother being a cold mother? She threw your childhood drawings immediately just after you put them on the wall??

Agree. The thread is incorrectly titled. The OP is struggling with her parents' mental illness (hoarding disorder). She is frustrated that she feels at least that she will have to take on the task of clearing the house at some point in the future when she already feels burnt out. It's not clutter, it's a hoard. That's my take on it anyway.

If that's all there is then house clearance will take it and your parents estate will pay for it. It's not really a big deal.

We just chucked it all out but we are not sentimental, it was our parents stuff not ours. The important paperwork was kept in a case.

You wouldn't be unreasonable to ask for a document detailing the important stuff. For instance, what bank accounts do they have? Any investments? Who would you like told about your death? How do I get in touch with them? Where's the jewellery kept? Is there a heap of ready cash anywhere? Where at sentimental items like photos, cards and letters? Any particular wishes for their funerals?

If you have that stuff, beyond any particular knick-knacks you might want to keep, you can guilt free give the rest of the house over to a clearance company.

It’s nice to have some things I agree. But collecting multiple items is often because you need more items to feel good about yourself.

High earners - money can buy your way out of stress, abuse, disease, bad food, unstable housing.

Holidays - are memories and bonding experiences vital to strong relationships?

Why do you need so many material items? I’m not being pedantic. It’s actually very freeing when you realise that the reason you want the dopamine hit from repeat buying items you don’t NEED, is because society and commercialisation have brainwashed us over decades to attribute our self worth to material items. Honestly - give them up. You might feel a weight lifting.

When my nan died we counted all her Jesus related artefacts (pictures, keyrings, statues) and in her home she had over 90. To us they were crap but to her they were her treasured possessions of her lord and saviour. I still have the Jesus keyring, and one particularly comical Jesus statue but we did manage to get rid of the rest.

Pro tip: My dad is 70 and smokes like it’s going out of fashion (he is in pretty good nick tho, he just looks bloody rough). In preparation for the inevitable we have introduced him to vinted. This has significantly cut down on the volume of crap BUT it has flooded the family group chat with him posting screenshots with captions like “money in the bank” and “can’t believe some mug paid for this!”… ironic as he was the original “mug”.

If they own the home or have savings then any clearance costs can come out of the estate. The problem arises is the property is rented and no savings as you also have to clear it pretty quickly so the landlord or council get it back and any costs will fall on you.

Yes she was cold but I accepted she didn't like the walls messy with my drawings. I am over that.

I am remembering her own difficulties and the struggle she had in clearing her DM's flat. But that seems to be forgotten now.

I don't have any of these details.

Surely this is an inter generational rite of passage. My parents have clutter beyond imagination passed down for literally centuries.

I don’t need anything to make me feel good about myself 🤣. I am very content with my life and with myself.

I think we both know that many of the high earners who brag about their income on Mumsnet dont need the amount they supposedly earn.

We've had many wonderful holidays in the past, but because of a health issue with my husband, they are now a thing of the past. They were lovely and yes, we have great memories, but they’re not essential. if you’re with the right person, you really don’t need to go away on holiday to build memories and bond. Ive been with my husband for over 50 years and we have a lifetime of happy memories.

As Ive said, I don’t NEED lots of possessions. I choose to have them and I enjoy them. Many of the things I have are an investment and will either be sold when we get older and our pensions aren’t adequate, or they will add to my daughter’s inheritance. I really don’t have any weight that I need to lift 🤣🤣🤣

Yes she was cold but I accepted she didn't like the walls messy with my drawings. I am over that.

I would suggest you may not be. About the drawings maybe but not about having a cold mother. You seem caught up in the injustice of what they are doing/planning on doing or rather not doing, rather than finding a solution. Or just accepting it and taking the easiest route available when the time comes.

As for helping to find things now, just say no, there's too much dust and too much clutter. Difficult maybe but not impossible.

YANBU. My DPs in their 80s are hoarders of the ‘clutter’ variety. 4 bedroom house and double garage chock full of clothes going back to the 1980s, 3 big bureaux stuffed full of paperwork going back 30 years, at least 2000 books, about 400 Knick-knacks ranging from Daily Mail figurines to expensive glassware. Every drawer, under the beds, every shelf is rammed with stuff. Some of it is still in boxes as it was bought as an ‘investment’, usually to do with a Royal event. In the kitchen about 40 mugs, 6 teapots…the list goes on. There would be even more of it but they moved about 10 years ago so had to get rid of a whole loft full of stuff (or rather I had to do it).

They did clear some of the paperwork a while back after an incident where they couldn’t find something important, in amongst electric bills from 1998. But they are mentally incapable of letting go of the rest, I think because they grew up poor plus are sentimental. I’m just hoping I’m retired by the time it comes to clearing the house, it makes me panic when I look around at the sheer amount of stuff. I get over my anxiety over it by thinking I can do a combo of skip, house clearance, and maybe a specialist antiques person for the expensive stuff.

@wirey I 100% agree with you. I have similar issues with my husband... we have his stuff from years ago, plus some of his deceased parents. I know his children won't want it. I don't want it now let alone if something happens to him! But I have managed to get the important stuff in one place thank goodness.

No, they won’t fall to you. You can walk away. If there are no savings and no value in the belongings then the estate is insolvent.

If it’s a 5 bed house, it’ll be worth a bit. Just get house clearance in. Sorted. ✔️

@wirey "Do the house clearance people sort out all the paperwork as well? There are no wills in place, no idea where the identity documents are."

Why don't you ask your parents to put the house deeds, insurance documents etc in a box and place it, say, on top of a wardrobe. At least you will know where important documents are. I did this with my mum. I'd bought her a vanity case when I was in my teens which she was very fond of. I encouraged her to put all that sort of thing in it and we did it together one afternoon. Beyond that, I'm sure you'll be able to identify anything you really want to keep when they're dead and the rest can be taken by a house clearance. Do tell them to get wills in place though. To be fair, nobody wants to think about their own mortality and getting rid of a house full of stuff is very daunting in your 70's. They probably don't know where to start and just can't face it. Old age and the lack of a future does suddenly creep up on you. And they probably think that, if you're going to inherit the house, then it would be sufficient trade off. If you aren't inheriting the house, then it isn't your problem.

And I guess they are not.

Stop telling them how to live their life unless you're prepared to also do what they tell you to.

They don't care if you junk the lot.
So hire a house emptier. The only thing that will cost is money. It won't cost you or them any time, and time is precious

What absolute lunacy. People should live their lives for themselves, not to reduce the admin burden of their loved ones after their death. Its their house and their things.

You don't have to go through anything. You could just pay a house clearance firm to deal with everything.

Hence why I said to ask for them.

My mum is a similar age and gave my sister and I a document with all that stuff on about 3 years ago.

I can see you are in full denial. I wish your daughter well. She’s going to need it.