to think it’s inconsiderate to leave a lifetime of clutter for your kids to deal with when you die?

[wirey]

My parents are in their 70s, both in good health, fully capable, still active. This isn’t about illness, frailty or anything like that.

They have a 5-bedroom house absolutely rammed with stuff. I’m talking decades of things such as old paperwork, clothes, random items, things they haven’t used in years (some of it honestly feels like it’s been there 30–40 years untouched).

I’ve gently raised it a few times and offered to help them sort through it. Not in a pushy way, just suggesting we could do a bit at a time. Every time the response is basically “you can deal with it when we’re gone.”

I find that really unfair. It’s not even about the physical effort (although that will be huge), it’s the emotional side too. Having to go through a whole house of someone else’s lifetime possessions while grieving is a lot. Plus trying to work out what’s important, what isn’t, what can be thrown away without guilt.
I get that it’s their house and their stuff, and they can live how they want. I’m not trying to control that. But equally, it feels like they’re knowingly leaving a massive job for someone else when they don’t have to.

I’m not expecting minimalism or a spotless house, just a bit of consideration in not leaving everything untouched for decades and then handing it over as a problem later.

AIBU to think that’s selfish?

I have reduced my own possessions by 75% as not to leave a mess behind for DH and my DC.

No idea why my post was hidden. It was about probate solicitors.

Meanwhile I'm sure your dad would have paid £80 to not be tripping over it every day 😅

Some people have very illogical attitudes to things like this.

YANBU op
My DP’s downsized years ago and got rid of lots of things, a lot of things that they had inherited, as in kept, not valuable, from their own parents houses and vowed they did not want me to have to do the same.
On the other hand my in-laws have got years of clutter and keep saying they are going to clear it it. Both of their children say that when the time comes they will just hire a skip, and tbf the in-laws are happy with this

It is inconsiderate but it sounds as if you have made your feelings known so not sure what your choices are here - it's their stuff after all. I wonder if their clutter bothers you more now that you're a minimalist?

As an older person myself, I agree with this. I actually have a lot of craft stuff, and I mean a LOT, but while I don't use it every day, due to being disabled and stuck in bed a lot of the time, I do still use it when I can get up, and my grown up grandchildren, still turn to me for resources when they want to make something, so I don't want to get rid of any of that yet.

I also have a lot of ornaments and things, which I don't display all of the time, but I do still swap things around, so stuff I have on display now, will likely be replaced with other things that are currently stored away, within the next few months.

My paperwork is pretty up to date, and I do try to keep it that way, but throwing away stuff that I still feel I might use, almost feels like saying the rest of my life is pretty much over.

Also, we may still move again before we die, as we're not completely settled where we are, having moved here 2 1/2 years ago, so don't want to get rid of stuff that we might need. So it's actually pretty difficult to pick out a point in our lives where we feel it's the right time get rid of stuff that still means something to us.

However, once we're gone, we won't care about any of it, so if our family decide to bin the lot, that's up to them. Of course, having lost my own parents, and having gone through the process of getting rid of their stuff, I do know how hard it is on those left behind, but just because the OP, is happy to live with minimal stuff, it doesn't mean that her parents should be forced to, just to save her having to sort out their things after they die.

My parents house is like this. Every time I go to the tip I ask if there's anything they'd like me to take (there's loads, even they say there is) but they always say they can't be bothered or don't have time to sort it out. They actually just need to tell me what to take and I'd load up my car.

My mum will shut the door to the room so she doesn't see the piles of stuff (the multiple air fryers, old laptops, broken chairs) instead of clearing it out. There's our old dolls house, I'm 48, haven't played with it since I was 7, was 16 when they moved into that house, not sure why it even came with us.

The garden is the same, there's old compost bins, recycling kerbside boxes etc just piled up.

My grandparents house was never like that.

Ime of people who collect stuff like this, they attribute a far higher monetary value to their collections than they actually have. My ex FIL is convinced that his cigarette card collections are worth hundres, maybe thousands. Some collections do fetch that but they are the super rare ones, his are not. Ex did some research and found that he would be lucky to get £50 for them, but he is convinced that Ex will be glad of them when he sells them.

OMG why did I not think of that?! I would have bought the fucking thing off her if I had thought of it, I might still do that actually!

I enjoy my possessions. Their monetary value doesnt relate to the amount of my enjoyment - my most precious possession is my silver engagement ring which my husband bought in 1980 for £17.50 and which I never took off until I inherited my Mum’s engagement ring, which I now wear instead because it makes me feel closer to her. I certainly don’t only appreciate things because of their value - I have only ever bought things because I love them. I don’t need most of the things that I own at all, but I enjoy everything I have, Ive got them now, and Im not going to start getting rid of my belongings to make life easier for my daughter when I die, which hopefully won’t be for a long time yet.

Unfortunately I think you will have to suck it up and hire the skip. Maybe they see the inheritance you will get as some kind of 'payment' for being left with all the clutter. I totally sympathise though. My siblings and I had to clear my Dad's house after his death last year. We roped in the the grandchildren as well, so it wasn't too bad. I think he would have started getting rid of stuff himself, but his health failed rapidly. I am in early 60's and after the experience with Dad,I will definitely be decluttering while I still can, so the my DC don't have too much to deal with.

Do the house clearance company sort out all the paperwork and the identity documents as well?

My father is similar. Always on about how much money this and that will fetch. Go and fetch it yourself then! And if you do some basic research, you find out he's talking nonsense. But he has a degree of hoarding disorder - financial and material things but not real rubbish. Nothing anyone can do until he goes and then there will be a mammoth task at hand. But other than the admin/legal stuff I'm not worried about finding and keeping things of sentimental value because his memories don't align with anybody else's!

I can definitely relate to this! My mum died 10 years ago now, but I remember once when I had to call an ambulance for her, the paramedic said to me that I should remove some of the clutter that was piled up on all the stairs to make it safer for her. I had to tell him that i was absolutely forbidden from moving anything, vacuuming, dusting, opening a window or binning very out of date food from the kitchen! My mum was not into health and safety!

I never said make things easier for me when you die.

I want things to be easier for them. They have so much clutter they struggle to find things. I have offered help in organising and decluttering, they refuse.

I said I would take away the broken appliances, they said no.

I want my parents to live however they want to live while they’re still here. Their house is full to the brim with all sorts of stuff.

I intend to take what I’d like to keep and then pay for clearance to make the rest. There is enough money in their estate to cover those costs.

The exception to this would be if they leave an awful mess and no money to pay to dispose of it.

When I was clearing my Mum’s house and was traumatised and exhausted by the process (even when using a clearance company) I remember saying to my husband that I couldn’t believe how there could be so much junk in a 2-bed house. And he pointed out that when I’d organised the whole move for her ten years ago, from a large 3-bed house with garage, that the only thing she’d agreed to let go of was one wardrobe and one chair. His words were “Because she insisted on cramming a 3-bed house into a 2-bed one” 🤦‍♀️

The broken dusty appliances bother me. When they ask me to find something in all the mess, that bothers me. I do think it could be easier for them but ultimately it is upto them.

I do know how hard it is on those left behind, but just because the OP, is happy to live with minimal stuff, it doesn't mean that her parents should be forced to, just to save her having to sort out their things after they die.

No force is involved.

No if they go into a home and home needs to be sold to pay for the home fees, then the elderly parents will also need to pay someone to get rid of or store all their possessions if they have left it too late to do the sorting out themselves . Op doesn’t have to get involved at all if she doesn’t want.

Just pay someone to come in and take everything to charity once they’ve passed away. Ask your parents for the money now to cover it

But you’ve repeatedly mentioned how much you think all the silver, china, records and more are worth. Why do you need so many possessions?

I think the title of your post suggests your main concern is whether you’ll have to deal with things after they die. You’d have got a lot more helpful and supportive responses if you’d mentioned wanting to help them now. (Don’t tell me- it was the AI title.)

Honestly I think you have to mentally file this under accepting the things you cannot change. Your parents clearly aren’t going to do anything, they’re not obligated to do anything and getting annoyed about it achieves nothing other than potentially damaging your relationship.

One thing they might be willing to do is create a financial master list- a list of all their accounts, insurances, etc etc. Honestly that’s all you’ll really need when they die. Original documents can be replaced. You can appoint a solicitor to do all the admin. Once that’s done a house clearing company will be a great help- it’s not a complete solution but that combined with the solicitor will take 99% of the burden off you.

My parents left it all to me and it was a nightmare - I have a disability and have limited mobility so it was an arduous task.
Most of it ended up in the tip.
I know a lot of people sell stuff but it was so tiring I just wanted it gone.
One thing I did find, which I have never forgotten, is an old chip pan and I mean ancient and it still had the chip fat on it. Must have been there years.
I think at some point it becomes too much. I think my parents thought we are leaving you the house, you can have the job.

Sorry that all you got from my post was that ‘it was lovely I found it comforting’. You’re coming across as very cold OP. My dad’s sudden death was the most horrendous time in my life. This is you parents death you’re talking about and you’re fretting over some dusty appliances?

Just ask them to put their affairs in order, like you have for them, and call in a clearance company when the time comes.

You’ve said you’re not sentimental so I really don’t don’t know why you’re even thinking about the clearing you may never even need to do. Once one of your parents dies everything will change. And when they’re both dead it’ll change again. Just forget about it until it actually happens. And in the meantime, enjoy their company, stories and memories.

@seriousspicey267many people on this thread have been talking about clearing out rubbish such as old bills, newspapers, broken appliances etc from parents’ houses. Ive mentioned the value that I know some of my possessions are worth as my way of differentiating between hoarding junk and having a lot of possessions that are not rubbish, some of which have been collected as an investment. Of course I don’t NEED so many possessions, but I enjoy having them. We are all different and have different priorities - I could ask someone who is a high earner why they need to earn so much money, or why some people need to go on several holidays each year, or why some people choose to go to a hairdresser regularly or get their legs waxed - it’s the same principle and holidays, hairdressers etc aren’t necessary. I do none of those things and choose to spend what money I have spare on buying things that I think are lovely and give me pleasure. It wouldn’t give me pleasure to spend loads of money in a hairdresser for a couple of hours or to go to a gym and I spend my money on things I enjoy.