to think it’s inconsiderate to leave a lifetime of clutter for your kids to deal with when you die?

[wirey]

My parents are in their 70s, both in good health, fully capable, still active. This isn’t about illness, frailty or anything like that.

They have a 5-bedroom house absolutely rammed with stuff. I’m talking decades of things such as old paperwork, clothes, random items, things they haven’t used in years (some of it honestly feels like it’s been there 30–40 years untouched).

I’ve gently raised it a few times and offered to help them sort through it. Not in a pushy way, just suggesting we could do a bit at a time. Every time the response is basically “you can deal with it when we’re gone.”

I find that really unfair. It’s not even about the physical effort (although that will be huge), it’s the emotional side too. Having to go through a whole house of someone else’s lifetime possessions while grieving is a lot. Plus trying to work out what’s important, what isn’t, what can be thrown away without guilt.
I get that it’s their house and their stuff, and they can live how they want. I’m not trying to control that. But equally, it feels like they’re knowingly leaving a massive job for someone else when they don’t have to.

I’m not expecting minimalism or a spotless house, just a bit of consideration in not leaving everything untouched for decades and then handing it over as a problem later.

AIBU to think that’s selfish?

I have reduced my own possessions by 75% as not to leave a mess behind for DH and my DC.

but why big houses are still a thing if kids want nothing in them...why now in this day and age people still buy big houses with number of bedrooms they don't need? Why people collect stuff they don't need? Is it not a time to stop collectively buying anything big and expensive and go back to communist blocks types of lives?

It is a bit much to be eyeing up your parents belongings when they're still alive.

Yes I expect them to get rid of everything. That is exactly what I meant in my OP. Even the clothes they wear and the food in the kitchen.

No but I would disinherit a child if they started a post on MN about their parents saying they couldnt be bothered to clear out and were selfish and were treating you unfairly etc etc. I wouldnt be leaving them a 5 bed house when you were so critical and showed such lack of compassion.

What is weird is that my parents born in the 1940s were the worst for keeping stuff for years that they never used, did not need. Refused all care. Refused to downsize. Refused to prepare in any way for old age.

Yet my grandparents, born in the 1920s, were the complete opposite. Both downsized and de cluttered in their sixties. Moved to easy to maintain properties when they were still healthy and mobile. Reduced the amount of stuff in the attic etc. Happily employed a gardener for a small front garden lawn and small bedding area etc. They were brilliant. It was so easy to empty their houses.

Good thing it is anonymous then!

😂

My parents said they were clearing everything out - they hadn’t - it was tough clearing most of it into a skip with DH and 2 kids in tow 5 hours from our own home . All they had got rid of was everything of mine and all my dad’s books ( some of which I’d really wanted ) . There was so much to do I didn’t really have time to think about whether I wanted things and there are items I regret not keeping

I won’t leave the same mess for my own DC - they are still at home - studying for GCSes and A levels - DH and I are tackling the garage this weekend .

I can understand why people get too old and too tired to have a clear out but it’s a balance and they could let you help them now

Yes I am eyeing up the broken dusty appliances, my grandmothers disintegrated clothes, condiments from the 1960s, tins of paint from 40 years ago.

If you dont inherit you dont need to sort through their stuff to find paperwork, leave it to whoever inherits. They may recognize themselves here!!

You talk about the emotional impact of clearing through someone’s possessions after they’ve gone without seeming to recognise that it would be even more of an emotional rollercoaster for your elderly parents to do the job.
You don’t need to keep any of their junk. When the time comes just throw the whole lot in a skip.
They are not being selfish. They are being human.

I would be amazed if they recognised themselves. They refuse to use the internet!

Rather than get a house clearance service, some pp might be better off using a specialist hoarding clearance and cleaning company.

I have offered to help and only focused on things that have no value such as broken dusty appliances, disintegrating clothes, condiments decades old.

I would take these items away. I just need their permission.

When my eldest moved out, we were able to set up her kitchen from the stuff I had, from nice cookware to plates and silverware and utensils.

Having 2 kitchens worth of stuff was a real eye opener.

I emptied my attic and had room to set up a nice workout space. I have some of her stuff stored there, but there's still plenty of room and it will be easy to clear out. I went through the basement. It's pretty clear, but could use another run through.

The funny thing is, clear outs are kind of contagious. Two of my neighbours have gotten the clear out bug once they knew I was doing it.

Its selfish. My parents sold there 2 bed house and moved into a 2 bed flat and got rid of most of their possessions - I thank them for this.

My in laws however had a 4 bed double garage stuffed full of stuff. They had a crisis both diagnosed with dementia and moved into assisted living. My husband was diagnosed with advanced prostate cancer at the time and the stress of clearing their house - I will never forgive. He was going through radiotherapy and I don't know how we got through it. I was ruthless and just binned, tipped and skipped it. You have no idea what you children will be going through so just sort your shit out and don't burden them.

Well you may think that its fine to be so critical of them then if they dont do the internet. However it seems like they are not typical 70 year olds and they are really struggling with change and modern life if they wont use the internet so not surprising they are hoarding and clinging to a past life and broken gadgets and your grandmothers clothes. Hopefully other relatives or friends wont recognize them. It takes nothing to show compassion.

Why do you think you attribute such value to so many materials items? Because you mention many different kinds of things you have in abundance. I can count on one hand the number of things I might attribute value to from my parents house - maybe a couple of rings which were my grandma’s and my Mums engagement ring. Have you ever really unpacked why you need material items to feel good in life? Many hoarders label it collecting.

I’m doing a sort and reduce session as we speak; with the purpose of organising various things after a house move that I’m not ready to get rid of yet and am setting aside to be ready to start reducing over the next few years. Or if needed it will be easier to know which boxes could be quickly shifted (books) or need more thoughtful time (photos, letters, cards )

YANBU - my alcoholic parent passed away and I had to clear their house which was absolutely filthy and full of rubbish, dirty clothes and general junk. It was quite traumatic.

Exactly that. Appoint a house clearance company, job done.

They probably don't particularly want to think about you coming and clearing out their stuff so things are easier when they die!

Honestly, I understand why you're worried about it, but to your parents it probably comes across a bit like "You'll be gone soon so we might as well get this out of the way now". It's really not pleasant.

Why not just ask them if they'd like some general help decluttering/ organising instead of framing it as being about making your life easier when they die?

No. A probate solicitor would do that, even without paperwork. They send details to all the major financial institutions to identify the accounts, and there are other search databases for property etc. So unless the deceased held a fortune in crypto that’s all that is needed. You don’t even need identity documents other than the death certificate.

I will have this problem. My father just hangs on to "stuff" but my mother is tighter than a camels arse in a sandstorm and will not get rid of anything she spent money on.

Last year she refused to get rid of the rug in the lounge despite my very wobbly father tripping up on it and really hurting himself. When I asked why she said "It cost £80!!" , so in her eyes it was totally justified to keep it. I lost my rag a bit and said "Oh well now we know how much dad's well being is worth to you...less than £80". She was fuming with me, but in the end dad rolled it up and said "nope, it is going" and she rarely argues with him when he gets like that. Then it turned up under the sofa where she had put it, as "it is worth £80, I am not just throwing £80 away" that really is her logic and will not accept that it is now worth nothing. The fact that it will never be used again is not the point apparently.

Most of her stuff will end up in a skip but I am not telling her that as she would probably drop dead from the shock that all her "expensive" stuff is junk.

There's also financial hoarding. That has obvious monetary value but it's still hoarding.