to think it’s inconsiderate to leave a lifetime of clutter for your kids to deal with when you die?

[wirey]

My parents are in their 70s, both in good health, fully capable, still active. This isn’t about illness, frailty or anything like that.

They have a 5-bedroom house absolutely rammed with stuff. I’m talking decades of things such as old paperwork, clothes, random items, things they haven’t used in years (some of it honestly feels like it’s been there 30–40 years untouched).

I’ve gently raised it a few times and offered to help them sort through it. Not in a pushy way, just suggesting we could do a bit at a time. Every time the response is basically “you can deal with it when we’re gone.”

I find that really unfair. It’s not even about the physical effort (although that will be huge), it’s the emotional side too. Having to go through a whole house of someone else’s lifetime possessions while grieving is a lot. Plus trying to work out what’s important, what isn’t, what can be thrown away without guilt.
I get that it’s their house and their stuff, and they can live how they want. I’m not trying to control that. But equally, it feels like they’re knowingly leaving a massive job for someone else when they don’t have to.

I’m not expecting minimalism or a spotless house, just a bit of consideration in not leaving everything untouched for decades and then handing it over as a problem later.

AIBU to think that’s selfish?

I have reduced my own possessions by 75% as not to leave a mess behind for DH and my DC.

Lovely it was stress but a lot of people have not had that experience,

My parents said it is my problem to deal with. Does that make them selfish?

I hope they will leave it all to some animal or people charity, and appoint someone else as an executor, so you would not be inconvenienced.
I also think the world has gone mad when they started coercing people to pay for their own funerals - perish the thought our little darlings will have to spend £2.20 on the parents' funeral, and yes, it is £2.50 compared to the investment of the parents in their children during their lifetime, plus inheritance thereafter.
Why stop at de-cluttering? I think we should started pointing our parents towards euthanasia at the first sign of ill health, I mean, it is so upsetting driving them to doctors' appointments, visit them in hospitals, and then discussing end of life care. We are so sensitive, us, so touchy.

If you dont inherit you will have no obligation to sort anything. If you do then you will have plenty to pay someone to sort it. I would disinherit my child if they had your views.

@OtterlyAstounding as I’ve said before, the OP, who started this thread, isn’t talking about a few too many ornaments and saucepans. She’s talking about serious room-blocking stuff. And parents who refuse to allow her to intervene. That’s why I responded, because I can relate. Other posters, you included, don’t seem to get it. And why would you, if you’ve never experienced it.

Aww - let them have their stuff. When you get to that age some people don't like to throw away stuff that represents their life and all their memories. When they pass you can just a hire a big skip and chuck everything in it...its a tax deductible expense on the estate so won't cost you any time or money.

They obviously cant cope with change and dont want things got rid of and that is their prerogative.

Totally agree with you, OP.

this is how I like it. A student room, why do we need more eh?

Because when I left I went to university abroad, so my stuff was left there, as is normal. I never went back there to live. I didn’t really give it a thought until they started handing me bags. I’m grateful they kept some things but why on earth they kept so much I’ll never know. My parents aren’t one or the other, they aren’t hoarders, neither are they minimalists.

This thread makes me think of those Rightmove properties where you see the outside of a house and think - oh it’s quite nice. Then you flick to the internal shots and it’s like - holy shit shudder. I remember one house with maybe 200 creepy dolls in their plastic packaging all lined up around the outskirts of the living room. Every room was filled to the rafters. Collectibles. China. Pottery. It was neat and orderly but still hoarding. I need air just thinking about it. Some poor adult child is going to be whizzing 200 creepy dolls into a skip one day 😂

Good grief this thread's revolting

Well, what advice is there? There are only two options - sort through it all, or don't.

Ultimately, one can always just have a quick hunt for any important documents (although in that kind of serious, hoarding mess, I'd think it quite likely any documents were forever lost/ruined anyway, although what vitally important documents would be kept at home anyway, and not have copies elsewhere/digitised?) and then throw the rest of it out. It's as difficult as a person wants it to be, for the most part.

I’m so grateful my parents were not hoarders. I don’t think people realise that even clearing a house that is not cluttered with useless crap is quite a big job. My parents had a 5 bedroom house with a garage and several outbuildings. Just clearing beds and furniture was a task. But their loft contained only 4 suitcases and a box of Christmas decorations. Pretty impressive. I’m the youngest of 4 and the house clearance fell to me for various reasons. Luckily, I’m the least sentimental, so being completely ruthless came easy to me.

I’d anticipated what lay ahead a few years back and started death cleaning for them. I threw out things like tablecloths that would never be used again, huge serving dishes and platters, stemware, canteens of cutlery…their dinner party hosting days were over.

I've found this thread interesting. If I ever inherit such a situation, I'll pick out what I want or anything of value, allow others to do the same, perhaps in a thought through sequence, then get a house clearance for the rest. There's absolutely no need to have to take it on personally.

honestly- your sort of home will be harder to deal with. There's still a huge volume of stuff & it clearly has some (likely low) value so harder to just skip it. Getting rid of nice stuff isn't any easier than getting rid of rubbish - it's actually harder in my personal experience.

I am 60 this year, we have started a big declutter, it’s hopefully far too early but DH had far too much stuff in the loft. So every bank statement from when he got his first account in the 1980’s is now gone. His Mothers house is dreadful, she is a hoarder. No one needs to keep every Christmas card list they have ever written. I think about 7 to 8 skips will be needed, they are around £300 each.

60s isn’t old. My parents died within 16 months of each recently. They had lived in their home since they got married in the 60s and I’m a LO. My mother lived shopping. It’s loads. But also what you do.

I'm an anti hoarder but have read enough to know how difficult people find dealing with their clutter. For me the bigger issue is older people staying in large houses which eventually become too much to manage. People end up living in a single room, surrounded by all this stuff. I can get why people don't declutter for other people's sakes but not for their own.

So you don’t want to just skip everything? You expect them to get rid of everything however ? Even though the stuff means something to them and not to you ?

get a house clearance company in - you don’t have to touch any of it.

You sound sensitive touchy and blowing it out of all proportion because I suggested some broken dusty appliances should be got rid of.

You would disinherit your child because they suggested clearing items they no longer need?

😂

How revolting to suggest getting rid of broken dusty appliances.

Crikey this thread has gone crazy, lol

It’s not hoarding at all. It’s collecting. I have always associated hoarding with saving old newspapers, broken equipment, multiple plastic buckets, old shoes, worn out and torn clothes etc. That’s very different to collecting valuable silver items and one off pieces of china, which are an investment - or are all collectors automatically hoarders in your eyes? Another example - We’ve kept every record album we bought since the 1960s because we still enjoy them and still play them; we have several hundred, most are in pristine condition and some of them are now worth several hundred pounds. I don’t consider that hoarding at all - they enrich our lives and just because some of them are approaching 60 years old doesn’t mean that we should get rid of them now when we are retired to make our daughter’s life a bit easier in 20 years time when she has to clear our house.

Do the house clearance people sort out all the paperwork as well? There are no wills in place, no idea where the identity documents are.

If the house clearance people will sort all of that out then you are right I do not need to take it on personally.