to think it’s inconsiderate to leave a lifetime of clutter for your kids to deal with when you die?

[wirey]

My parents are in their 70s, both in good health, fully capable, still active. This isn’t about illness, frailty or anything like that.

They have a 5-bedroom house absolutely rammed with stuff. I’m talking decades of things such as old paperwork, clothes, random items, things they haven’t used in years (some of it honestly feels like it’s been there 30–40 years untouched).

I’ve gently raised it a few times and offered to help them sort through it. Not in a pushy way, just suggesting we could do a bit at a time. Every time the response is basically “you can deal with it when we’re gone.”

I find that really unfair. It’s not even about the physical effort (although that will be huge), it’s the emotional side too. Having to go through a whole house of someone else’s lifetime possessions while grieving is a lot. Plus trying to work out what’s important, what isn’t, what can be thrown away without guilt.
I get that it’s their house and their stuff, and they can live how they want. I’m not trying to control that. But equally, it feels like they’re knowingly leaving a massive job for someone else when they don’t have to.

I’m not expecting minimalism or a spotless house, just a bit of consideration in not leaving everything untouched for decades and then handing it over as a problem later.

AIBU to think that’s selfish?

I have reduced my own possessions by 75% as not to leave a mess behind for DH and my DC.

Just pay someone to clear it all out. Job done.

If you start going through every item to clear the house yourself, that will very much be your choice.

YABU.

I feel exactly the same, @wirey and am in a similar position. My father is in his 90s (currently still healthy and independent) and lives in an old large 4 bedroomed house with enough in it to kit out 2 or 3 more houses. He is a hoarder but not in the sense of old newspapers, a lot of the things could be very useful to someone else. He has a deep-rooted fear of not having enough, instilled by the extreme poverty he experienced as a child. My mother died when I was in my 30s (I am now late 60s) and things spiralled a bit from there. for him, things = control and safety and letting them go is terrifying.

I have been helping him declutter for nearly 30 years. I have been trying to convince him to downsize into a flat in a retirement building to make his life easier and more enjoyable. He spends a lot of time and energy keeping his house clean and organised. He no longer brings items into the house but also won't let things go anymore. He now says that I can deal with it once he's gone.

I had the energy to help him more when I was in my 40s and 50s, now that I'm at retirement age myself the thought of having to go through all of it while I am grieving is overwhelming. There are many important family items in with the mess, so it all needs to be gone through carefully rather than throwing it all in a skip or having a house clearance company deal with it.

I don't have any advice, I just wanted you to know you aren't alone. I do resent that my father feels it is fine to put this burden on me. He has had decades to do something about it but hasn't. I am in the process of decluttering my own things - keeping what I feel is important and asking my children what they actually want when I am gone. I don't want them to ever be in the situation I will be facing.

If you're not careful, you'll spend more time dreading it than the time it'll take to clear it all out!

YANBU but some people like to keep their life’s belongings for sentimental reasons. Clearly you are not sentimental so you don’t understand those who are.
It really doesn’t take too long to engage house clearance. Within a few hours your parent’s house will be empty. However, it may surprise you that they have kept little items that you made or drew many years ago.
After the clearance comes the big clean. Again a team of workers will scrub the house from top to bottom, ready for sale if applicable.
If you are fortunate you may get an inheritance. The house clearance & cleaners fee can be utilised from this.
Rather than spend time trying to organise your DP death issues, why not put it out of your mind & spend more happy times. Who knows, you may pass first!

You've probably thought of this, but how would they respond to you getting rid of the broken, dusty appliances or arranging someone to do it? So for example if they have say 5 old toasters in the garage that you know of, would you be allowed to go in and get them? If it's an old tumbledryer that hasn't worked since 2004, would they tolerate you saying dad I've found a service who'll come and collect it for X amount on Tuesday 20th, shall I book it? I appreciate that this is still them making it your problem, but at least would mean not having to do it while you're grieving. It sounds like the issue for them is the process of organising to get rid of it rather than an attachment to the objects.

Do ignore me if this is completely unfeasible or has already been tried and refused. I'm working on the premise that there's at least some obvious crap that could be easily identified, but I realise that may not be so.

It is a selfish thing to actually SAY that it'll be your problem to deal with. However, you don't actually need to worry about it. When my uncle died, who was an actual hoarder, we hired a company to deal with it. The Estate paid for it, we left them to it, and they kept to one side anything that looked important/valuable for us to take a look at. It was absolutely, completely stress free in the moment.

@OtterlyAstounding have you ever been in a cluttered house? You don’t just pop in and say “ooh which box are the photos in Mum”. You walk in, tripping on months of junk mail, and have to step over boxes of old newspapers just to get into the living room, which is small but has 2 settees, 3 arm chairs, several bookshelves and a piano in it, as well as about 20 more boxes containing old bills and newspapers. Upstairs a couple of rooms can’t even be accessed at all, because as soon as you open the door you are faced with multiple items of furniture , piles of clothes, and more boxes blocking your entrance. In the garage the boxes are stacked to the ceiling, so you’d need a ladder to get to them.

Clearing my Mum’s house, when the time comes, will take literally weeks.

With respect @OtterlyAstounding , I’m not sure why you feel a need to comment repeatedly on a thread the subject of which you are woefully ill-informed.

@CoffeeTime4583922 read the thread perhaps.

There’s a Scandinavian concept called Swedish Death Cleaning which is exactly this - the practice is to clear out your crap before you die so your loved ones don’t have to

@user7463246787 you have clearly never been in a cluttered house! Would it help you understand if you thought of the needle in a haystack analogy? Or are you still struggling? I can send you photos if you like!

Both my DM and MIL died in their 70s. And both gave away stuff whilst still alive, both left uncluttered and organised homes. Still it was hard to deal with everything - grief, funeral, solicitors etc. It’s monumentally selfish to make it harder. I’m nearly 50 and starting the process of getting the house totally organised, nothing useless or broken, everything in good condition/order etc as when me and DH die I don’t want my kids to struggle more than necessary.

That doesn't sound 'cluttered', it sounds like a proper full-blown hoarder! All the more reason to look for the sentimental things now, so when the time comes you can just get rid of the rest.

And just because I have a different opinion to yours doesn't mean I'm ill-informed. With respect 🙄

@BerryTwisterBut there are different types of clutter. There is a huge difference between what you’re describing and someone who has a lot of loved possessions which are well cared for, and certainly my mum fell into the second category .Many people would say my house is cluttered, but all my paperwork is immaculately ordered, there are no old newspapers, bills, junk mail, or broken appliances, no manky old towels or clothes, and no broken furniture. But my house IS full of collectable china, pottery, Crystal, ornaments, silver, and loads of clothes and shoes, as well as linen, books, paintings etc.. which is all very well organised and in pristine condition. While much of it is probably not to many Mumsnetters’ tastes, I can’t think of anything that I have which could be described as junk.

Well in my case it’s my solicitor who will be executor (paid from the estate).

On her advice there are instructions in my will for a house clearance company, then cleaner, then decorator, so all family would need to do is market the house. There are funds earmarked to pay for these, although according to the solicitor she has previously used companies who were paid for from the deceased’s estate.

Obviously all of this means less inheritance (by about £20k), but having seen the sheer hatred some people feel for their parents after clearing their belongings, it’s worth it for me for my peace of mind. My descendants will still get a fair chunk from me!

(Disclaimer, I’m not expecting to go any time soon, and if I pre-decease my husband then he gets to do what he wants with it. But I’m not having my adult kids moaning that I didn’t tidy the kitchen cabinets before I croaked.)

I will have to go through everything to find the paperwork to sort things out or do the magical house clearance do all that as well?

This is just called organised hoarding. But it’s still hoarding.

@OtterlyAstounding talk me through how I sort through a room which I can barely get into because of boxes and furniture, with my Mum behind me getting upset and begging me to leave it? Because it upsets her, and she’s terrified I’ll throw out an old egg box or empty cotton reel.

If you can’t relate to this situation, then you don’t know about elderly people and clutter.

I best watch out!

Sometimes when your older, the thought of tidying & throwing things away, just feels like a massive job and overwhelming

Not everybody wants to confront death, which is what you're asking them to do. I do understand the whole Swedish death cleaning, but it's not for everyone. I found the days of sorting through my parents possessions cathartic and helped with the grief.

@Growlybear83 OP, who started this thread, isn’t talking about a house with a few too many ornaments on the shelves!

They haven't kept anything that I drew or made years ago. I remember putting my drawings on the wall and she would throw them out the same day.

I may indeed pass first which is why I have sorted everything out to make it easier for DH and DC, It wouldn't be fair to tell my parents to clear stuff if I had not done it myself first!

I couldn't agree more with you. My pil's house was filled with stuff, and as they progressed further and needed more aides/walkers/commodes etc we had to literally throw out most of their things. We had little to no time to actually sort thru anything it all went to the tip.

I've been telling my DH he has to start getting rid of some of his things, for context he's a collector and basically has 3 rooms and a loft full of all his things. His argument is that it is all sorted and stored nearly in plastic tubs. He thinks our kids will take the time to sort thru it all to sell or keep. But I know they probably won't as they'll be adults with their own lives. I'm scared it'll be left to me to sort. And if I'm in old age and decline if I won't care and things that are potentially worth money will end up going to the tip like his parents things did.

I have volunteered to take the broken dusty appliances to Currys and get them recycled. Whenever I suggest clearing old broken items, they say we have the space, leave it there, It is not getting in the way. Then they get upset because they can't find what they are looking for.

I asked if you thought she'd be alright with it. If not, then don't. But that's not clutter, it's hoarding rubbish. Clutter is (for example) having a full house with loads of ornaments and wardrobes full of things that are potentially useful, not empty egg cartons and whole rooms inaccessible.

Frankly, despite being a lover of sentimental things, I'd probably just bin the lot in your situation. If I've spent all my adult life without photos etc, why put myself through such stress for them now? Especially when no one would care once I was dead. It's a difficult situation for you though, I'm sure.