AIBU? This is affecting my marriage & mental health & I don’t know what to do 🥺💔

[Aintgottimeforthat]

Hi guys,

THANK YOU, straight away, for taking the time to read this….🥹
I really need your thoughts/advice….. please 🙏🏻

I’ll try to keep it as short as possible.

2nd marriage.

I have a G15 (Autistic - high functioning) and a B12 from my first marriage (Dad and I were together for over 12yrs)
50/50% shared custody.

Met the 2nd Husband.
Met Jan 2020, married December 2023.
He has a 22yr old son from his 1st marriage.
Mom wasn’t really in the picture (more interested in work and friends) so hubby near enough “raised” his son on his own (His ex wife had done this with previous kids too - some being given up for adoption etc) #redflag

My husband left her because she just couldn’t be bothered with him or the son basically. She left the marital home, and I don’t even know if she’s kept in contact with her son….

So I met “Jake” the Stepson (Let’s use that name) when he was about 16yrs old.

NEVER left his room. Wasn’t able to fully complete school coz he was caught doing final exams during Covid.
Games 24/7.
Only comes out his room for food, etc.
Wont say hello or acknowledge anyone unless you speak first. And then it’s a grunt or “Yo!”
Really tried for 6 years to engage - but no change. He does the same with my kids - regardless of how much they try to interact with him.
Yes, I think he has Depression and his Dad has acknowledged too that something is probs going on.(BTW - it took about 5yrs for dad to accept this observation too, with my constant feedback) Jake refuses to have therapy - doesn’t think he needs it even though he’s admitted he has severe social anxiety and agoraphobia.
He cannot do his shopping on his own as this challenges/scares him too much.
We've only just gotten over the hurdle of his personal care and BO. I used to be able to smell it from OUTSIDE his bedroom.
Theres a lot going on there (I appreciate that - I have depression too, so can relate) and I’ve tried to be patient/kind with him - but he is lazy, rude, thoughtless and self entitled.
He is not innately malicious, or unkind…. - it’s just how he’s been “raised” by his Dad.
Thoughtless and entirely self absorbed (he lives in his own bubble) and Dad, my hubby, is his Enabler.

Won’t/Can’t discipline him, because he’s “an adult now” even though he’s still living under our roof.
Hadn’t been able to/refused to get a job up until 6 months ago when dad “created” a role for him within his company. Dad drives him in and brings him home, but miraculously he is able to function on his own at work to do whatever job it is they have him doing - I think it’s CAD (computer aided design)
Back home, and back into his room. Gaming. Every day.
I’ve spoken to the hubby about how my kids probably look up to him, and it would be wonderful if he was a good example for them. See what it means to “adult” be responsible etc.

I expect Jake, at 22yrs old, to tidy up after himself & be responsible for himself. An important lesson for when he hopefully moves out and lives on his own/or with a partner/friend.
These habits of being clean, tidying up after himself, helping around the house should already be in place/the norm, because he is 22 now.

If they’re not - he’s behind, and Dad must encourage/teach him this.

So, if I mention that his son is being untidy, won’t load/unload the dishwasher etc the hubby then says my kids “do the same”

Or we do (the parents of the house)
Yes, this is true sometimes, but

1. we’re the parents & it’s something we have asked Jake to do (also because out of all of us he is home the most of the time!)
2. my kids are still CHILDREN, one with a diagnosed neurological difference and they are still learning. They are also only here 50% of the time because of the shared custody agreement.

The hubby thinks that anything I expect of his 22yr old son - I must expect the same from my two kids.

I appreciate, and know that I can’t let my kids get away with stuff just because of their age/autism, but I think at times they can have more grace than his son, who should know/act better, and is just lazy/thoughtless

Hubby thinks there is no difference.

I disagree.

Your thoughts?

He just makes excuses for his son, and continues enabling him. He’s confessed he wasn’t the best/isn’t the best Dad, and that guilt has made him mentally and emotionally impotent with regards to parenting his son.

He have been having the same argument, round and round, for 6 years!
I no longer speak to my Mom because I defended my husband regarding an issue with his son (my mom WAS is the wrong - she was very disrespectful to hubby) so I CHOSE my husband.
I supported him. And I no longer have a mom because of that - she disowned me.

And it’s like hubby’s forgotten that.

I have no one in my life now. No family. Nothing.

Yet the hubby refuses to side with ME. Stand with ME, even though 90% of the issues his son has, the hubby has agreed with me on.

The final straw the other day - arguing about the same thing - he says, “ I’m not helping you raise your kids” and he said that because he feels I don’t listen to his perspective regarding them. He appreciates that’s my prerogative as their Mother, but wtf does he think he’s been doing with us for the last six years?? 🥺😣💔💔💔
(Kids care for him very much, and he has been very good to them)

I burst into tears when he said that, and had to cover my mouth to stop crying out loud.Normally I’d just walk away (that’s what I’ve always done - but I want to change/be better) and I calmed myself down to try continue the conversation. He didn’t move. No words, no hug. Nothing.
Broke my heart.

I now feel there is no point talking to him or confiding in him. It’s just me and my kids.
There is a massive void, and I don’t know if it’s repairable.
I love him, but I just don’t understand his mentality. And he is clearly unable and unwilling to step up mentally/emotionally where I need him.

We haven’t been speaking for about two weeks now. He asked me once if I wanted company or to be left alone. Another time he asked if I was still angry with him. I said no - not angry (just fecking heartbroken and disappointed!!!)

I cant continue like this - my mental health is on the floor as I feel completely alone. Alone, and very, very sad….
If I didn’t have my kids - I’d be gone.

He is a good man, he just cannot/wont step up, and/or grow WITH me as a person/man/couple….

AIBU? Am I the problem? 🥺😣😢
Thank you for your thoughts xxxx 💖💖💖💖💖

If I didn’t have my kids - I’d be gone.

Please explain this. Why are the better off living with an overgrown 24/7 gaming man child and his useless, enabling father?

Is the issue finances?

I can’t begin to understand why you pursued a relationship with him knowing what he was like with his son never mind moved in - moved your kids in fgs - then married him. What did you think the three of you were gaining by all of it? Your son was 6!

Leave them to rot in a shit hole. Get a divorce and go give your kids the best life you can. No one’s forcing you to stay there being miserable. That alone is making your children’s lives awful never mind giving them this pitiful role model.

So… ummm I think what you’re saying is that your husband lets his 22 year old son do nothing around the house and isn’t encouraging him to be an adult. But then says you’re not insisting your children do stuff around the house either? He expects you to treat your kids how he treats his? Or does he expect you to let him parent as he sees fit and you to parent as you see fit?

It sounds like you could do with going to couple counselling to have a safe space to explore this as you say yourself you’re going round in circles. Whilst you said initially Jake spends all day in bedroom or gaming, you then describe several fairly significant changes- in personal hygiene and in him having a job, so have there been some positive steps? And maybe you’re coming across as being naggy as you’re not acknowledging the changes?

Maybe as a couple you could sit down and agree some age appropriate chores or expectations of everyone? Including each other? Maybe Jake needs a 5 year plan? And your husband needs to see he is holding his son back by enabling him quite so much… but it sounds like you might need help exploring that together.

If you've not been speaking to him for 2 weeks that's an awful way to live. Can you reach out to a friend for a bit of support, do something you enjoy, have a break away with your kids, see your doctor for your mental health? If Jake has made a bit of progress with hygiene and the job, he could make more. It's not unreasonable to expect an adult to do a few chores.

Check your Post. Did you accidentally put Jake's real name in there? I will report it just in case so it can be changed.

Thank you for your honesty guys 🥺

I hoped he’d change/mature with me…. For me/us, as a couple? 🥹 or want to do/be better for his son…?

He was there for me after my nasty divorce. I bled all over him, but he stuck around - even though I pushed him away countless times….I don’t know how many men would do that…
Im sure my ex is a Narc, so meeting 2nd hubby was a breath of fresh air…

Hubby doesn’t think therapy works, and is a waste of money.

Yes, finances are a big issue. I have absolutely no one else to lean on for any help/support. Had my mom - but that’s gone now.

Also don’t want to upheave my kids again. They weren’t unscathed by the divorce 🥺

I also love him. This is the only thing we argue about. If stepson wasn’t around - I’m sure there would never be any issues….

If stepson wasn’t around - I’m sure there would never be any issues….

But he is. And he’s quite clearly not going anywhere, ever. He’s not going to wake up one morning and get a fantastic job and move to his own place and leave you and his dad to a life of blissful happiness. He’s never going to move out. Your kids will and he’ll still be there.

Who is Nick?
You may need to report your post and ask for it to be deleted, if you mentioned this name by mistake.

That's his son so the "if he wasn't around we would have no issues" is pointless. It doesn't sound like he's going anywhere, I don't think you're unreasonable for wanting him to help out / tidy after himself but it sounds like maybe there's quite a lot going on, if it's severe anxiety or something else.

If your issues with step son are about him doing chores, tidying up after himself etc, then your DH is right and the same should be expected of your kids. They're both old enough to do chores and load/unload the dishwasher.

It might sound petty but can you fully explain the dishwasher point amd your expectations around that. Are you expecting the 22yo to put all the dishes in it? Like, are your kids leaving stuff out for him to out away?

I could be way off base but maybe he's hiding in his room to avoid you all? What is a typical evening and weekend like?

I get it as I have a similar issue but lucky as they don't live at home no more, it's so hard blended family as one parent can not agree with other parent and vice versa tbh I'd leave said son to do whatever he wants let him stink live in a shit hole in his room don't feed him don't do his washing say nothing let daddy get on with it and concentrate on your kids believe me your relationship will improve and u will stop stressing so long as his mess confuses to his room cracj the hell on and buy plenty of air freshener 😘

In terms of age and ability, yes your kids should be able to do what his son does.

But this is about waaaay more than that.

I would very seriously consider this relationship, it's not going to get any easier. What will you do when he's 30 and the same?

The son will never move out. Are you prepared to have him live with you intil his father dies? And then after as well as he is so crippled by poor parenting that he will never be independent?

I dont understand your choices or his.

On his side
the way his son "chooses" to live isnt acceptable to me. I wouldnt allow it but i wouldnt have brought a random woman and 2 kids into my damaged son's life at a time it was at an all time liw post covid

On your side
There is no way I would have dragged my children at the ages you describe into this inappropriate situation off the back off covid.

Amazed that the hill this is seemingly dying on is the dishwasher (which is NOT the problem)

However with regards to that your DH is 💯 right.
let's be real....a 12 and 15 can and should / can do that.
Lord my 2 and 4 yr old help load and unload the dishwasher.

Edit saw the update.
Okayyyyyy
You are "the loved" he is "the lover". He is meeting most /all of your needs (was an emotional crutch to you) and is now paying for/ funding both your lifestyle and your kids. .. in return you want his problematic son to just "go away".
Mmmm.... Lovely.....

Cant you meet in the middle and go from there? Basic chores and rules for all 3 kids - yes DSS is older and should be doing this stuff instead but if he’s never been encouraged to go it then go back to basics. Agree between you a couple of basic things you both agree ALL the kids have to do daily and stick to it. Something as simple as making their bed, putting their own stuff in the dishwasher and they take turns emptying it, and do a load of laundry a week. Whatever you think is right, it almost doesn’t matter, it’s about consistency for them all and you and DH being on the same page. I feel your frustration I do but if you’re saying you can’t or won’t leave then you need to see yourselves as a family and have a level of expectation for all 3 kids.

You mention you depend on him financially, do you work? Can you focus on building some financial independence to either enable you to seperate or at least give you some breathing room and goals for yourself?

You moved yourself and two kids in with and then married a man and his DS when the DS has pretty significant mental health needs and you disagree with the way your DH parents, but you expect him to fund your lifestyle and change so that you aren't frustrated?

I mean, I understand why you're concerned about the son's situation and behaviour. But I really think you should look at the way you conduct your own life and sort that out, not focus on your DH's faults.

Yes this, and i really dont understand why you think any of this os good for your children what do they get out of it?

"I now feel there is no point talking to him or confiding in him. It’s just me and my kids"

This is a quote from your OP, you already know what to do. Leave and let your kids grow in an environment where they are loved, listened to and respected. Fuck these two incompetent stunted men. Why waste your one singular life on this? Why waste your one chance to love and parent your kids by choosing to allow it to be so shit?

It all sounds so messy that all I can think is your poor kids.

I think I'd hide in my room gaming if three more people moved in and all this drama came with them.

Can’t you just accept that DSS is there and always will be and just don’t let it affect you? I think you seem to want him to be someone different to who he is. If he’s in his room all the time, leave him to it. He’s an adult. It’s not like he’s violent or abusive.

Your mum disowning you sounds weird and why can’t you financially support yourself and your kids if you only have them half the time and they’re older?

You sound very dependent on others and like you went straight from your marriage to this relationship and he’s now funding you and your kids while you spend your time moaning about what a shit dad he is and how awful his son is. Stand on your own two feet and get your own place then.

Does your dh ultimately want his ds to stand on his own two feet? To take over the business?

I think first things first, I would admit to him what you want for your dcs. To become autonomous adults, who can budget, forward plan and take care of themselves in a more general way. Then say he is right, your kids should be doing things too, else they could end up living at home for a very long time with no basic life skills and not equipped to look after themselves.

I think I’d go for expecting everyone to do the same amount of stuff, but on the basis of how much they are around. For example, start off with everyone does the dishwasher 2 times a week. And to reflect that your dss is there all the time, he also does his own washing. He may well need to be shown and shadowed in the start for that. And this is fine. He sounds a lot less mature than his age. Perhaps pretend to yourself he is 16/18 or something. Then do what you’d do with a teen that age.

Do you work and contribute to the family finances?

His son sounds like he has really serious issues, and I don’t think they are trumped by an autism diagnosis. The impression I get is you think his needs are less valid than your daughters because he doesn’t have a diagnosis…

What you gain from this marriage. Sounds like Jake won't leave ever so he is very much part of the your live and this won't change. What do your child think of Jake and is this situation effecting them?

You need to build up some financial independence as quickly as you can.

It's really unreasonable to expect young teenagers to do the same as a 22 year old round the house. Anyone who does not get this as their step dad and will always put his own adult kids first would not be someone I would want to share my life with for long.

You might have a chance with the marriage if the 22 year old moves out but that seems like a big if and I would not hold my breath so in the meantime building up your finances is an essential thing to do.