To have wanted it to be a child free evening?

[Flowers876]

Ive planned an evening cinema trip with the work girls. In the group chat one of them asked if she could bring her daughter (7 year old) I didnt know how to say I would rather she didn't but I was surprised she even asked tbh. Now it turns out another girl is bringing her 9 year old. I just wanted a grown up girls evening. I know I had the opportunity to say no but how would I have phrased it without sounding rude and offending her? How would you have said it? I'm not looking forward to it as much now as I dont know either child. I know I can be a people pleaser.

Unless you had plans for food and drink afterwards it makes no difference you can't chat at the cinema

Did you say 'ok yes' to the 7 year old? Or not reply?

I'd say: sorry, I thought I was organising an evening out for colleagues, not a family event. Anyone else interested in going for a drink after the show?

And maybe next time we make it colleagues only event.

“I’d rather not this time, let’s keep it just adults”.

I think it's okay to say "I was planning on leaving my child at home and was looking forward to an adults only catch up"

It might not be the same but I kind of think some people rely on others being too polite to say no. The number of siblings at a birthday party we went to today was surprising. One of them even ruined the cake! One of the attendees has two children and she almost always asks to take both of them even though there are two parents in the house as well. They rely on people being too nice to say no.

Why can't they go for drinks after? Presumably those with kids will go home but the others can go for drinks.

If they are watching a film suitable for a 7 year old there will be other kids there. If all they are doing is watching a film, they won't be chatting. It makes no difference.

I only have an adult step child so couldnt use this one, it would have been perfect otherwise.

I'd pull out on the day claiming to be ill to be honest. If you were looking forward to an adult evening, I wouldn't want to put up with other peoples kids.

Oh dear, we used to have a night out as a small group of female work friends, usually to a pizza place or bistro. One of the group asked if we'd be ok if she brought her daughter (age 8) as she was unexpectedly left without childcare. We agreed as a one off.
The DD dominated the conversation and we couldn't be frank and open as usual. Unfortunately, the girl enjoyed it so much that her mum asked the next and the next time if she could come. I was the lone dissenting voice and made to feel bad. It totally ruins the dynamics.
I'd try to nip this in the bud pretty sharp ISH @Flowers876 .

make sure the film is certified a 15 or 18?

Dinner out it would be annoying, but you can't chat in a cinema anyway so it makes no odds if they bring kids.

Yeah, I’m with you and wouldn’t like it.

I’d pull out - and message to say ‘ sorry, something has come up, and I’ll leave you two with the kids to enjoy the film - have a lovely time’

Me too.

She should use her words.

'No!'

I can't see it making much difference, it's not like I'd be looking after the child at all.

What film is it? I have an 8 year old who definitely wouldn’t tolerate an evening trip to the cinema, assuming we’re talking 7-9pm or 8-10pm and not 4:30-6:30pm? He’d be jacked up on sugar and then overstimulated and exhausted and in tears by the end. Especially if not a children’s film.

I'd have said "oh are you not able to get childcare? We can arrange for a different date that suits you if not?"

It will if the group wants to see anything above a PG rating.

Are you just going to meet at the cinema, watch a film, and go home? That seems like an odd thing to do TBH, but if that's the plan then I expect the children won't really affect anything (assuming they remain quiet during the film). Or will you have a meal or drinks together either before or after the film? If that is the case, I would probably just send my regrets and not go. The presence of children can definitely change the dynamics of a group.

As an aside, which film were you planning to see? I can't imagine there are many films that would interest adults but also be suitable for a 7-year-old.

This is a great response! I’d say something like this.

Sorry this is a adults only evening or event.
No children.
Let her know and plan another.

But what is the film OP? Surely the children aren't even old enough to go?

I’ve been both sides of this… kinda. On one occasion someone pulled out and as I had booked and paid for their ticket I brought my son along instead - group of 5/6 mums. But we literally met at the cinema door, bought snacks, watched the film and then all headed home. It did change the dynamic and would not have done it again.
on another occasion someone else brought along a daughter. She was 12 ish and she came to see sex and the city! She just turned up with her and said “she wanted to hang out with the “girlies””. Was not appropriate for her age - we basically had to hide her in the group. and we were all drunk. Even the mum. We don’t see her anymore… it was a tipping point.
Basically what I am saying is… there are levels of how this could be.

I know it's a bit late now but I actually find chat gpt really useful for wording difficult or awkward responses in this type of situation.

Of course there is such a thing as a people pleaser. Some people go into therapy about it.