Friend’s awful dress and my reaction

[SummerFate]

A friend is mine is quite heavily into fashion and spends a lot on clothes. Some of her choices are quite bold and not necessarily what I would pick, but she has a good figure and is quite distinctive looking, so can generally pull off something a bit more “out there”.

However, yesterday she showed me the dress she has spent a fortune on for an event - and it’s hideous. Not “not to my taste” - objectively hideous. And my face reacted before my brain could tell it to keep quiet.

She could tell immediately that I thought it was awful and she looked really upset. She said straight out, “You hate it, don’t you?”, and while I tried to say it just wasn’t my personal cup of tea, it was too late. It was obvious I hated it. I said we all have different tastes, what suits her wouldn’t suit me and that I’ve seen things look amazing on her that I could never wear, but the rest of the evening was really awkward.

I’ve messaged this morning saying I’m sorry if I upset her and that I didn’t mean to, and that she shouldn’t let what I think affect her choice. She hasn’t replied.

How do I fix this? Do I just hope it blows over? I know I should have tried to hide my thoughts, but when she said she’d spent twice what I pay a month for my mortgage, I was expecting something amazing - I just couldn’t hide my reaction when I saw this monstrosity.

Most people would look ridiculous yes, but I think a small select few can pull this type of outfit off and look amazing (different shoes tho!). Would have to see her in jt to make a proper judgement.

Ah yes, this old chestnut again. How dare some people not be poor. We should all be eating bird seed off the floor. I'm sure OPs friend pays her tax so rest easy Sergeant.

I can understand your reaction OP

I think this styling makes it look good

😂😂

It’s very Muriel

@SummerFate i think the problem is that a dress can’t be “objectively hideous” because fashion isn’t objective. And that is where you went wrong IMO. But now you have to give her time to process.

That really is a hideous dress - I can't imagine any of my friends wearing that, but if they did, I wouldn't be able to keep a straight face.

Ask yourself this, "is this friend someone who expects me to manage her feelings about whatever it is (in this case, a look on your face before you had time to catch yourself)"? If so, it might be time to re-train her into managing her own feelings by not overdoing the apology.

The dress is dreadful. I could not have hidden my horror at that!

I'm thinking your friend might have had some reservations about the dress herself, and your negative facial reaction to it confirmed her self-doubts and that made her angry? She might have shown the dress to others before you saw it and they maybe weren't as diplomatic about their words as you were.
Either that or you hid well your previous opinions about your friend's "out there" taste in clothes and she thought you would react this time similarly?

It’s not hard to just keep your facial expression under control to spare someone else’s feelings. Especially when you’ll pay a high price for showing them. How is not hiding your facial expressions a mark of true friendship? It isn’t when it’s going to really hurt your friend.

OP’s friend is very upset because of this - is it worth throwing away a good friendship because of OP not being to hide her feelings over something that doesn’t affect her? (I’m presuming OP is a woman).

And how is is relevant that the dress cost twice the OP’s monthly mortgage payments? Did OP pay for the dress? Surely the friend can choose what she wants to spend the money on.

I also don’t see how the OP’s self-esteem was affected by this.

Well she wouldn’t be my friend either based on my reaction. I don’t want her ever to come on here and have people slate her taste but even Carrie Bradshaw got a few wrong over the years.

Unless the event is an eighties wedding party then I am with you.

How was OP being diplomatic?

Could be adapted.

1. make into a skirt with a very simple black top.
2. take off top flounce - make spaghetti straps - take off wrist flounce anc]d add cuffs to match belt

Oh Christ that dress isn’t fashion. It looks like a dress your Nan would make you wear in the 70s or 80s. People will laugh at her if she wears that out.

I hate to change my vote once I’d seen the frightful dress!

Unfortunately some people have zero poker face (I am one of them), so it's impossible to hide your thoughts when you're not prepared for something.

No, I do get that, but the reality is that the OP has opened her friend up to having a whole bunch of strangers essentially shit on her taste.

I don't love the dress, I wouldn't have bought it, and if the friend had posted it asking for opinions, then all comments are fair game. But she didn't, and I think someone who was genuinely concerned about her friend's feelings would have more sensitivity than that.

Yes, I'm struggling to find anything to compliment.

Generally speaking, I tend to be a bit dishonest IRL and work very hard never to let my face or tone betray dislike of someone's choice unless they really want an opinion and have made that VERY clear. I am a bit more honest on here 😁because people come asking for opinions and I think there comes a point when you owe it someone to be honest.

In this situation, it sounds as though she is very attention-seeking confident and you probably could have left her in her bubble of self-assurance without getting yourself involved. You probably need to practice and perfect your poker face! But, more generally, I do find it annoying when people ask for opinions and you give it, and then they get angry. You see it all the time on here in AIBU: "Do you like this name for my baby." "No". "Well screw YOU: I'm using it anyway cos I don't even CARE what any of you think."

I said we all have different tastes, what suits her wouldn’t suit me and that I’ve seen things look amazing on her that I could never wear.
I’m sorry if I upset her and that I didn’t mean to, and that she shouldn’t let what I think affect her choice.

Just two quote examples of, what I'd call being more diplomatic than not, from OP's first post ( there may be more examples).

Would OP be as horrified if the dress hadn't cost as much as it did, I wonder?

Afterall, it wasn't her choice and she didn't have to wear it, but initial facial reactions are sometimes difficult to control.

Friend was being unreasonable to think every item of clothing she showed her friend had to be approved of by her!

Amen to that!

Wow! I hope there’s no naked flames wherever she’s going!!
also - that material, it reminds me of cheap funfair dollys clothes, will be hot as hell if the sun is out … if it’s not caught fire by then

Indeed, who knew! 😂

OK. So you're able to hide your emotions at all times. You never look sad, shocked, horrified, amused, bemused or confused? The OP's reaction was only momentary and these two are supposedly very good friends. If you can't take the most minor and rare bit of critique from a good friend, then what is friendship actually worth? What's the point? And this was merely a facial expression which the OP couldn't hide because, you know, she's an actual human being. But you are obviously rather super human in that respect and your face is always able to belie your true emotions. Fair play. You must be one in a billion.